A little confused - some help please

NoClue

New member
So quick intro to my current situation -

Married for 10+ years monogamous up until recently - healthy loving relationship, 2 kids.
My wife and I always talked about a threesome as a fantasy, then about 4 months ago we were at a party - we both noticed the same girl, we got introduced through a mutual friend, and by the morning a threesome had been agreed upon
The girl lived some way away (single mum) so everything was arranged by phone - we all were equally involved in every step.

We've had three meetings now. Originally it was to be a threesome, no strings - but I guess inevitably feeling were born for all of us, our third loved our 1st meet as did my wife and I - it was all our first time and it was such a powerful experience.

The high that followed was immense followed by an even bigger crash. After a week our third seemed to pull back, then came on full blown for another meet.

This seems to be the pattern - my wife and I have made it clear we want more commitment, though we realize this is unfair and not really possible considering our situations and locations - but we let her know our feelings - she says she is in love with us, but she also trying to find her life partner.

So here I am - brand new to all this - struggling to come to terms with the new dynamics - trying to understand having feeling for two women - my wife is in love with her and loves that I have feelings for our third - she would love a full on poly relationship with this girl. the girl has hinted the same.
It all seems so natural when we're all together, and when were apart, my wife and seem to second guess everything and get paranoid that she's pulling away, then out of the blue, its back on in full swing!

I can only imagine how difficult it is for our third being involved with us but also being alone for most of the time - maybe this is why she pulls away.

So why the post - I guess I just want to understand my feelings - I'm not sure if this is damaging our marriage, when we think things are ending, my wife is distraught as am I. In my mind I'm 100% this has a finite time before it ends. I'm not sure how we'll be (my wife and I) when this ends? Will we be enough for each other?
How do you cope being in love with a third, when they seems so fickle yet so full on.
Is all this normal?
Should I feel so shit most of the time wondering If were going to see her again?
Should we cut our losses?
Is this behavior normal?
She quite the one in a million - and we both adore her, the feelings seem to be mutual, but on her terms and when it suits.
wtf is going on lol

Sorry for the long winded post - I was really just hoping for experienced input.
I feel like this is my first ever girlfriend and all my teenage insecurities are flooding back lol
Ind I'm getting jealous thinking about her seeing other people.

I never really considered myself poly, until it came and hit me in the face.

Thank you for your time
 
You might get a face full of "unicorn hunter" talk here, and some of it might be relevant, I'd proactively suggest you do a forum search for the term and read some because you can at least see some of the issues to watch out for, k?

So getting past that stuff to YOUR situation.

I would say that personally I don't believe that most relationships are designed, built, meant, fated, to last FOREVER. Endings happen. Change happens.

But life is the journey, not the destination. You want it to be a beautiful and meaningful journey. Think of it this way...you ride a train through the most beautiful landscape you've ever seen. Mind blowing. You take lots of pics, but then you leave and never return. Are you mad that you didn't get to stay? To the point you wish you'd never seen it at all, so you couldn't miss it? No. You're glad you got to go there, and you cherish your memories. And there isn't much point in throwing a kicking screaming fit as the train rolls down the tracks away from the beautiful place, now is there?

So. Right now you have a good thing, but you and your wife (and your girlfriend probably too) are dealing with the NRE rollercoaster. Whee! That includes some drops, mostly I'm guessing because in a new and deep and intimate connection, everyone has to confront the fact that they are vulnerable. It can be scary. But realize. That even if hearts get broken, it really is NOT the end of the world. You have to ask yourself if this thing you have is worth having for a time, even if it doesn't last forever, to the point that you'll accept the risk of how it might feel when it ends.

And frankly in my opinion, that is a mature approach to relationships in general. Because people just love to assume that a "successful" relationship is the good ol' "till death do us part" but in reality...that is not a guarantee. What is wrong with NOT taking today and tomorrow for granted? The end could come one way or another for any of us at any time.

So when you are feeling vulnerable, and scared, reach out to each other for comfort. Drop is normal, part of being human, it happens, and it's ok. Talk to each other. Enjoy what you have without demanding more of it than what there is right now. Don't try and push or shove this into a container. Just relax and go with it. Let it be what it is. Why not, if it makes the three of you happy?
 
I feel like this is my first ever girlfriend and all my teenage insecurities are flooding back lol
I think they may be :) And since you've handled them once just fine, you will again.

Well, my thoughts:
You chose this girl for a threesome, not for a relationship. If you now happen to feel like you want a relationship, you should still re-evaluate the situation with your head. That is 1) gather the information you need about poly to decide if it's even viable for you from the practical point of view (I know you can't know your feeling on it well yet). Also read up on NRE and couple priviledge. Decide if you're into a poly relationship. Then 2) evaluate, if the girl is really a relationship-compatible partner for you, and 3) find out everyones willingness to participate, discuss the open model you want to practice, find out if all of you are on the same page.

So far it seems you're demanding some commitment pretty fast (in one month! you've seen her how many times?), and she's reluctant to offer anything, because a) she's reluctant about poly in general, and b) she may be ruluctant about you in particular since she doesn't quite know you.

I know it's hard, but just ... be patient and take your time to evaluate the situation.
 
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Hi NoClue,

It seems to me that you have two main possible roads you can travel. One is to break up with your third, sooner rather than later, and the other is to be present in the here and now and be glad with what you have. Maybe you'll have it long into the future and maybe not, but you just wouldn't worry about that right now.

If you keep seeing your third, it might be a good idea to try and communicate with her some more, find out how she feels about things, if poly is a long-term thing for her or if she thinks she might end it when she finds her life partner. At least then you'll know what to expect, and maybe then you'll know what you want to do.

It probably all seems crazy right now, but poly relationships can be normal just like mono relationships. Keep us posted here, and we will continue to try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You both need to get real about these feelings you're having. After a few threesomes, you actually think it's love? Very likely not. Infatuation and lust, yes, but love happens over time, when you know someone well and have developed deep intimacy. Face it, you three are just fucking, and enjoying it, but you all need to get your heads out of the clouds and your feet back on the ground to be present and see things clearly. THAT is the only way you will be able to identify and manage your feelings.
 
You both need to get real about these feelings you're having. After a few threesomes, you actually think it's love? Very likely not. Infatuation and lust, yes, but love happens over time, when you know someone well and have developed deep intimacy. Face it, you three are just fucking, and enjoying it, but you all need to get your heads out of the clouds and your feet back on the ground to be present and see things clearly. THAT is the only way you will be able to identify and manage your feelings.

NRE, new poster..."New Relationship Energy."

Personally, I love it! It's a blast! I often push back against those who say it is "only" infatuation and lust...though that might be correct... I think it's a form of love, and as such is it glorious.

But I define love very broadly.

What's important to know about NRE, infatuation, lust, or puppy love, or any sort of whatever that you want to call that intensity in the beginning...is that it's not a very good basis for making big decisions.

Don't pick out china patterns just yet, is what I'm saying.

In fact I have often said that it can be a mistake to make big life decisions while under the influence of big emotions, just in general.

Seriously, I think you should all sit down and talk and say, "You know, this thing is fun. I'm enjoying it. Can we keep doing it, and just let each other know if something changes in any significant way? Discuss life options later once the bonfire burns down a bit?" And just give it some time. But that is just my 2 cents.
 
NoClue, it is recommended you choose nicknames for people in your story. Calling your new crush "girl" and "our third" seems rather disrespectful.

You will find, if you stick around here, that polyamory is much larger of a relationship than a long term married couple wanting some kicks, and finding a "girl" (hopefully actually an adult), for a threeway sex scene.

Believe it or not, most poly people, coupled or not, date independently. (Like myself, I have a longterm partner and we both date our own OSOs... we don't share.)

Taking on a triad, where you expect everyone of the three to love everyone else exactly the same, is complicated, and almost guaranteed to fail. You had some fun sex. Great! Don't expect your crush to drop everything and commit to you and your wife after 3 sex dates. You're not in love. You're in lust, you're crushing, just like a teenager. It's hormones. Step back and think with your big head, the one up there on your shoulders.

Do a tag search here for terms, unicorn hunter, triad, unicorn, Vee.

And read this: So Someone Called you a Unicorn Hunterhttp://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html
 
Also, to build on the backs of the posts of others:

Poly is no different than mono relationships. If you wouldn't have thought you were in love after the third date with a woman when you were single, the same applies now. If you wouldn't have asked for a total commitment from someone after three dates when you were single, same applies now.

And, frankly, why should she? You and your wife have all the societal privilege and safety net...she gains exactly what by becoming exclusive to you two after three dates, except a guarantee that she misses out on the opportunity to have the same safety net and privilege for herself? That is a lot to ask of a person you barely know. Your new sex partner is totally justified in not jumping into a committed relationship with anyone after three dates, sex or not. Definitely read the article Mags linked, and do the tag search.

Also, if you already know that asking her to commit like this is unfair, WHY ARE YOU DOING IT? That is not a loving action.

If you two are questioning your relationship after just three sex dates, you likely have a lot more on your plate that needs working through before you try a triad.

Step back, stop having sex with her, and figure out your current relationship. If you want poly later, once this fog has cleared and you and your wife have had time to realign yourselves and solve existing issues (because poly will make existing relationships issues worse, not better), then figure out what relationship style(s) and shape(s) work fairly for all involved. Or, if you just like hot threesome sex (there's nothing wrong with that--I certainly like it!), then perhaps start swinging instead.
 
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Wow,

Thank you so much for all the advice and feedback.

Sorry I've been slow to respond - I've processing all that's been written, and also going through a long "down"

Our third - or so not to show any disrespect, I will call her china, went off the map for some time, which left us guessing and second guessing her feelings, to where I came to the decisions that it just wasn't worth the head fu**.
I just couldnt see the purpose of what we were doing if it made you feel that shi**y. So i went through a spell of acceptance where I decided it was over and that she (china) had decided she wanted something different - which at the same time piss** me off for her lack of consideration.

So anyway china got back in touch and thought that we'd changed our minds because of our silence, and that she disappears sometimes because she feels guilty when she goes on dates and doesnt want to uspet us.
This was a good opener as it gave us a lot to talk about, and with all your advice I had a far better idea of what to expect and how to handle the situation.

I basically said that I/we (my wife and I) understood that we were putting too much pressure on her and expecting too much, at the end of the day she was free and single, we are married and for us to expect any commitment is ridiculous.
We love her to pieces, and feeling is reciprocated but at the same time, we need to understand and respect her freedom and need for her own space and also that we should support her going on dates instead of making her feel guilty with out jealousy.
So to do this we need to really understand our feelings and keep them in check.
Everything thats been said here re the NRE is sooooooo true. But to look back and understand it is a breath of fresh air that I'm not going mad.
Is also good for my own sanity, and the realization that I need to put more effort and thought into my wife rather than chasing an illusion.
Is almost given me a certain power/inner peace where I'm no longer trying to keep china all to ourselves, I dont feel I need to commit the same amount of effort.
Its almost like understanding your feelings and not letting them rule you. Very valuable lesson indeed.

So as things stand - were all cool and I believe now on the same page. We've pulled back and chilled, china is doing her thing and were meeting in the middle.

I do appreciate all your help and advice - with the nature and complexities of these relationships, I have no doubt I will need further help and guidence lol.

If you dont mind I'll keep this thread posted with the good and the bad, and hopefully you can help guide me in my future times of need?

Thanks again - I will keep you all informed of our progress.

For now I'm enjoying a certain peace in my head, and excitement in my life.
 
Glad to see you've applied a little rationality to the situation, NoClue! I'm glad China is dating others too.

I hope it all continues happily, if possible, for the 3 of you.

Btw it's OK to curse around here. Shit fuck cocksucker tits godammit!
 
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