Husband with ED

Cakefog

New member
Hi, I was in a relationship with about three guys for the past five years. I broke up with all of them and is now living peacefully with my new boyfriend. He is really a nice guy and has a good heart compared to all other guys I have dated. He has a little problem in his sex life. He has got erectile dysfunction and is seeking treatment from men’s sexual health clinic and is improving a lot. I think this won't be a barrier between the love we have for one another. Is there anything you guys have to suggest to improve the relationship between each other?
 
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A little more information on what it is that you feel/ what bothers you would help. There is a reason for your question, but it's really not obvious from your short sketch; so I guess being more specific would be help, when not with us but with yourself, would help.
 
Hi Cakefog,

I guess my advice is to look for common interests between you and this guy, and share time together doing those things. This way you aren't relying entirely on sex. Of course I do think he should continue to seek help for the ED, but the two of you should have quality time together in the meantime.

Does that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I would say that most people should really rethink what their definition of sex is. You know what is amazing? When two people are deeply intimate and want to make one another feel good, and it's not about wet ladybits and hard willies, it's about the luxury of touching and being touched. There's a myth I've heard that a woman's whole body is an erogenous zone but with guys you just grab his junk and have a go. Nonsense! A man has an entire body, a whole skin, and a brain, and you can please his senses in many ways, and he can take enjoyment from pleasing you, and none of this has to rely on the old standard of "stick it in and work it til he finishes." First, let go of the concept of orgasm seeking as the end all, be all. Get clear with one another that you'll have a session of intimacy that is meant to feel good, there is not a goal you're driving towards. There is no pressure on anyone. Get creative. Light, music, food, scents, massage, etc. Think of all the ways you can stimulate one another.

I'll be honest enough to say I've had partners whose bodies didn't always cooperate. If we both have a deep, true desire to explore intimacy, though, we will. ED won't stop us. I've played with soft flesh just because it felt good for him and I enjoyed it, and I've been worked over for hours without ever being allowed to so much as touch his junk, in such a situation.

I hear many people say that they aren't having sex because the man has ED. That makes me sad, because I suspect they are generally neglecting sexual intimacy because they've put all the pressure of the whole thing on the state of his dick, and I'm thinking that can't be good for the mental part of ED, either, all that pressure to "perform." And neglecting intimacy is not good for a relationship either. For some of us, touch is a very important love language, and sexual intimacy is critical to feeling really bonded.

So I'd tell any couple dealing with that, relax...take the pressure off...don't stop being sexual to one another, and just have the goal of making one another feel good, nothing more than that.
 
I so much agree with you, Spork. I'm constantly surprised by how obsessed people are with a single notion of sex. I've always thought it seems really odd - like people are stuck in some kind of old fashioned teenage movie where 'going all the way' is what they need to do to prove themselves.
 
I so much agree with you, Spork. I'm constantly surprised by how obsessed people are with a single notion of sex. I've always thought it seems really odd - like people are stuck in some kind of old fashioned teenage movie where 'going all the way' is what they need to do to prove themselves.

Honestly? I didn't know how infinite the possibilities (see what I did there?) were until I started seeing kinksters after I got out of my marriage...our sex life had become a perfunctory act done only as often as I absolutely had to, and before that it was all really young guys I was with as a teenager, so of course we weren't really doing a lot of imaginative stuff. Hell, a lot of those boys were virgins.

But I can tell you, in the kink scene you can't throw a rock without hitting a massage therapist. Whether it's a sweet service submissive or a slightly sadistic top who will dig right into your most stubborn muscles with a relentless elbow until you cry, it's a whole business of all the things we can do with one another's bodies and minds. And it's expanded everything I thought I knew about sex a thousand-fold.

At this point I feel pretty confident that I could have a very fulfilling sex life with any person so long as we were both willing...good, giving, game, as Dan Savage says, and generally a good match. But not only would it not matter if he had ED, the person could be a woman and not even have that plumbing, we could be just fine. It all starts in the mind.
 
I would say that most people should really rethink what their definition of sex is. You know what is amazing? When two people are deeply intimate and want to make one another feel good, and it's not about wet ladybits and hard willies, it's about the luxury of touching and being touched. There's a myth I've heard that a woman's whole body is an erogenous zone but with guys you just grab his junk and have a go. Nonsense! A man has an entire body, a whole skin, and a brain, and you can please his senses in many ways, and he can take enjoyment from pleasing you, and none of this has to rely on the old standard of "stick it in and work it til he finishes." First, let go of the concept of orgasm seeking as the end all, be all. Get clear with one another that you'll have a session of intimacy that is meant to feel good, there is not a goal you're driving towards. There is no pressure on anyone. Get creative. Light, music, food, scents, massage, etc. Think of all the ways you can stimulate one another.

I'll be honest enough to say I've had partners whose bodies didn't always cooperate. If we both have a deep, true desire to explore intimacy, though, we will. ED won't stop us. I've played with soft flesh just because it felt good for him and I enjoyed it, and I've been worked over for hours without ever being allowed to so much as touch his junk, in such a situation.

I hear many people say that they aren't having sex because the man has ED. That makes me sad, because I suspect they are generally neglecting sexual intimacy because they've put all the pressure of the whole thing on the state of his dick, and I'm thinking that can't be good for the mental part of ED, either, all that pressure to "perform." And neglecting intimacy is not good for a relationship either. For some of us, touch is a very important love language, and sexual intimacy is critical to feeling really bonded.

So I'd tell any couple dealing with that, relax...take the pressure off...don't stop being sexual to one another, and just have the goal of making one another feel good, nothing more than that.

This is brilliant, Spork.

I've often wondered if our culture's new obsession with "erectile dysfunction" is just an indication of a collective shift away from the old race to the finish line onto this more Tantric way of having sex that you describe. There are an awful lot of male bodies that seem to want to be slowing down, refocusing and enjoying sex this way. So much of "good sex" is about the connection, the exploration and the luxury of quiet time with another person. I often think that all of those soft dicks really do know what they are doing.
 
But I can tell you, in the kink scene you can't throw a rock without hitting a massage therapist.
LOL, that's because you live in Colorado!

It's a state which has been known for a long, long time to have one of the highest, if not the highest, number of massage therapists per capita. So, it's likely that in any "scene" in Colorado, kink or non-kink, you will find massage therapists.

Just had to say that because, as a former trained bodyworker, your comment made me giggle.
 
...you can't throw a rock without hitting a massage therapist...

LOL, that's because you live in Colorado!

It's a state which has been known for a long, long time to have one of the highest, if not the highest, number of massage therapists per capita. So, it's likely that in any "scene" in Colorado, kink or non-kink, you will find massage therapists.

Just had to say that because, as a former trained bodyworker, your comment made me giggle.

We also have many rocks, in Colorado. :D

(Disclaimer: I do not in fact make a habit of throwing rocks at massage therapists. Or anyone. And I do not condone such activities. Have a nice day.)

Actually that doesn't surprise me at all, though I didn't know it. I would have guessed maybe California, or Oregon, or Washington. Though with all of the people here who are either military, or super outdoorsy, or both, probably needing sore muscles rubbed and willing to pay for it...yeah, shouldn't be any surprise at all.

I actually drove by a strip mall not long ago that housed a medical marijuana dispensary, a massage shop, and a bicycle repair shop, and I thought to myself, "There is Colorado in a nutshell, right there."
 
Just IMO, but it seems like most of the guys I know with Viagra/Cialis are liars, & use it to impress women -- who seem to get the impression that THEY somehow cause the rampant boneritis & are duly flattered.

Of the remainder, half the men I've talked to were clearly having emotional/stress/sleep problems before noting ED & were still not seeing a therapist. A few times, I voiced my concern that boner pills DON'T solve depression, & might maybe make it worse when they doesn't improve the sex/social life; similar for either SAD or SAD, work pressures, familial problems, etc.

And of the rest, I have to wonder how much of a placebo effect is in play.
 
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