Threesome that might evolve into something else

leafar

New member
Hi y'all

I don't know where to start and I'm new here, so please apologize if the story is a bit confusing or some therms are missing. I'll try to keep it as short as possible too.

So, I've been with my gf for 8 years now. I've always known that she was bi-curious, and I hate to admit that's one of the reasons I got into her in the first place. For the sake of keeping it short, we talked a lot about FFM threesomes and we did it for the first time 6 years into our relationship. After that we only had one other experience last month and it was really bad (no jealously or anything, the third person just didn't "click" with us)

The Polyamory part the day before yesterday, in our third try. We went on a day with a girl we met on tinder and things were amazing. We didn't even do anything, but it just felt like a "regular" two person date (sorry if that sounds offensive to anyone, but that's the only standard I have to compare it). Everyone was into everyone and yesterday we had sex, and things clicked even more.

So I'm now in a confusing, thrilling situation, because my gf really liked the girl, but she's kinda of holding off because she's scared that everyone fall in love with everyone. It's hard do describe, she's even scared that she falls in love with the girl. I wouldn't have a problem with that at all and I'm subtly assuring her that it's fine. She doesn't know about polyamory any more than I know, we kinda just heard about it a few times, but never ever considered it because we really fulfill each other. But we never expected that another girl would fit in with us so well, be it on the bed or out of it.

I'm not sure if I'm posing a question here or just wanted to vent with people that would understand that feeling. There's no problem with anything apparently. The three parts are liking each other equally (except obviously me and my gf share a stronger bond). The only minor problem is that my gf would be reluctant at first, but I talk to her a lot and she'd eventually be in peace with herself.

So... yeah, I don't know. Any opinions and tips are welcome :p
 
Hi leafar,

It sounds like you should go ahead and have a relationship with the girl, but your girlfriend is kind of blocking that with her fears. Maybe you should sit down and talk with your girlfriend, and let her know you really want to try poly with the other girl, and what can you do to ease your girlfriend's mind about the subject.

Hope that helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Why "subtly" tell her you're okay with it? Clearly and directly tell her! Poly will never work if you can't communicate!

Be that as it may, you're probably getting quite ahead of yourselves and need to get your heads out of the clouds and your feet back on the ground. You've had one nonsexual date and one fuck date with this new woman, and the three of you don't really know each other yet. If love develops, it will happen over time and certainly at a different pace for each of you. In other words, don't expect everyone to have the same intensity and depth of feelings for each of you all at the same time; it just won't/can't happen! So get back to reality and try not to let the heady excitement of your experience cloud your judgment.
 
Hi leafar,

It sounds like you should go ahead and have a relationship with the girl, but your girlfriend is kind of blocking that with her fears. Maybe you should sit down and talk with your girlfriend, and let her know you really want to try poly with the other girl, and what can you do to ease your girlfriend's mind about the subject.

Hope that helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Yes, that's actually exactly what I feel now. The issue for my gf is that she'll definitly get scared if I start talking about poly and having a relationship with that girl at our side. She's not prude or anything, but she has some self-esteem issues from being bullied as a kid. And I think she also struggles a bit from finding out how bi she is.

I've actually talked to her yesterday a bit more directly and it went way better than I'd expect. She admited she's grown some feelings for the girl and I've caught her "stalking" her facebook a few times and looking at pictures (which I found very cute tbh). We never said anything out loud, but since that girl might come live in our town next year (she currently doesn't), we kind of settled on keep going out with her and see where it takes us. It's just that liking a girl and having a poly relationship will probably scare my gf, even though if we let things happen naturally as they are now, it's probably gonna happen without more effort

Why "subtly" tell her you're okay with it? Clearly and directly tell her! Poly will never work if you can't communicate!

Be that as it may, you're probably getting quite ahead of yourselves and need to get your heads out of the clouds and your feet back on the ground. You've had one nonsexual date and one fuck date with this new woman, and the three of you don't really know each other yet. If love develops, it will happen over time and certainly at a different pace for each of you. In other words, don't expect everyone to have the same intensity and depth of feelings for each of you all at the same time; it just won't/can't happen! So get back to reality and try not to let the heady excitement of your experience cloud your judgment.

Like above, it might scare her of if I just say "hey I'm ok that you're in love with me and another girl". She doesn't cope as well with that because, before me, she have only kissed girls very occasionally, so I think she feels some guilt over developing feelings and sexual attraction to a woman.

And I agree with you, we're all getting ahead of ourselves, specially me. This other girl lives in another town as I said, and she had to leave on day earlier than planned, so we all missed a third date for "goodbye". None of us ever had experiences like that (the other girl never had a threesome, and both of them never dated woman exclusively or more than sexually), so I think we might be just excited for now and it might get old eventually. I just put things like I do, saying that it might lead to something else, because I want to be prepared for it in case it happens, but I also can't deny that I wish it did...
 
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Be careful because you are falling into the couple's privilege thing. the two of you are discussing this without the third already. You don't even know is the other girl is interested in falling in love. Decide for yourselves if you can handle a poly relationship. Then approach her with the idea and work from there with no expectations.

Here is something to think about. If you do this, you and your gf are no longer a couple. The two of you are part of a relationship of three. That is called a triad. In a triad there are actually 4 relationships going on. You and your current gf. You and the other gf. The other gf and your gf. Finally, you, your gf, and the other gf. There has to be time set aside for each dynamic. It won't work if it is the other girl dating a couple.

Then the three of you decide if you are going to see other people or whatever boundaries there needs to be.
 
Be careful because you are falling into the couple's privilege thing. the two of you are discussing this without the third already. You don't even know is the other girl is interested in falling in love. Decide for yourselves if you can handle a poly relationship. Then approach her with the idea and work from there with no expectations.

Here is something to think about. If you do this, you and your gf are no longer a couple. The two of you are part of a relationship of three. That is called a triad. In a triad there are actually 4 relationships going on. You and your current gf. You and the other gf. The other gf and your gf. Finally, you, your gf, and the other gf. There has to be time set aside for each dynamic. It won't work if it is the other girl dating a couple.

Then the three of you decide if you are going to see other people or whatever boundaries there needs to be.

We're not actually discussing anything directly, as how this should happen or how it would work out. For now that girl lives 300 miles away from us and she's only comming back next month, so there's a lot of time to see if it's just a rush from the experience or if we actually grew feelings mutually.

We're keeping in touch with the girl and she's definitly very excited about it all too and looking forward for the next time, even suggesting we go travel toghether to have some "us" time.

It's hard to say it's "love" because honestly we were very close minded about poly relationships. We (the original couple) had sorted out all the options and rules (barelly any tbh) for threesomes, but always as a purelly sexual experience, so I think all the three of us are trying to pinpoint exactly what this crazy feeling for each other is. Maybe it's a strong friendship with good sex involved. Since we're new to the experience it's hard to draw a line on where each feeling goes.

For now the only "rule" set is that my gf wouldn't like me sleeping with the girl without her. I'm not putting any pressure against it and am completly cool about it, even though I don't think it's 100% fair with her. It doesn't seem like a triad like you described (thanks for the rundown btw), but my gf has considered allowing me to sleep with another girl in the past, so she might change her mind on her own. Only time will tell.
 
For now the only "rule" set is that my gf wouldn't like me sleeping with the girl without her. I'm not putting any pressure against it and am completly cool about it, even though I don't think it's 100% fair with her. It doesn't seem like a triad like you described (thanks for the rundown btw), but my gf has considered allowing me to sleep with another girl in the past, so she might change her mind on her own. Only time will tell.

This is couple privilege, and it's terrible. Is the other girl allowed to ask you not to sleep with your girlfriend unless she is present? I doubt your girlfriend would react favorably about having the same limit placed on her.

This is a very lopsided arrangement for her. You are right, it absolutely isn't fair.
 
You're absolutely right bluebird. But that's one of the reasons I came here in the first place: to get opinions and know what the "options" are from here. And just to make it clear: when I meant "we", it's something me and my gf talked, but given that distance issue with our crush we're not talking about rules or boundaries with her. It's more something that we're working out as a couple first to set how far we're confortable going right now. We'll only be able to adapt if our crush really comes live in our town.

For now what I see drawing in the distance is not a triad per se. We have absolutly no intention to forbid her of going out with anyone else and looking for a person to call her own. I admire what you guys do, but you also know how hard it is sometimes, so we have don't want to make her pick between having a relationship exclusively with us or a "normal" monogamous relationship with a guy (normal by the eyes of society I mean).

It's more likely she'll be a great friend with benefits. Although we really liked her it's not something we really need as a couple to work. We jokingly said just between us that if she left, we'd go out have a few drinks to cure our "broken heart" and move on, but for now the feeling is more like a highschool crush than actual fairytale love
 
I'm brand new to the forums and poly relationships as well, but one thing I'm not at all new to is long-distance friendships and relationships, so my advice would be to take this month where the new woman is 300 miles away and see if it works for you and your girlfriend to build friendships with her through messaging/email/phone convos. The thing about interacting in these ways is that it literally can't happen without communicating. You can't have sex or sit silently watching a movie. You're forced to use words, constantly, and it'll get boring quickly if you're not communicating about things with depth/meaning.

Maybe you and/or your girlfriend will make a new long-term friend this way. Maybe you'll have started the foundation for something more than friendship, or maybe you'll all decide it was a fun sexy time you don't need to make more of. Seems to me like there's little to lose by opening up the communication and finding out, though.

The girl, the girl, the girl - ugh! What is she, 12 years old? Please give the people in your life aliases (and not just initials). It's much easier to follow someone's story if everybody has a name.
I agree this thread was kind of hard to follow (and that calling grown women "girls" gets old fast) but I used initials in my introduction. I saw a lot of others on the forum doing it and assumed it was normal/accepted. Sorry! :eek: I will try to come up with aliases which are more creative for future posts.
 
I've always known that she was bi-curious, and I hate to admit that's one of the reasons I got into her in the first place. ...she's kinda of holding off because she's scared that everyone fall in love with everyone. It's hard do describe, she's even scared that she falls in love with the girl.

I get the impression that there's not a lot of sex-positive support in the area where you live. In some places, bi-curious is just your average, everyday exploration that happens as life goes along and in other places, bi-curious is still a major taboo. You needn't feel sheepish about feeling attracted to a bisexual woman and your GF needn't live with fear of her own sexuality. Whether either or both of you pursue things with this long distance woman, her presence gives you both the opportunity to allow more than you had been previously. The internet is chock-o-block full of mentors, commentators and inspirational guidance in the realm of sex-positve exploration. Just a few of the many names to Google for more:

Dan Savage
Susie Bright
Barbara Carrellas
Sunny Megatron
Amy Jo Goddard
 
So let me call your present gf Eve, and your new crush, Crush.

One of the reasons you were attracted to Eve was her bisexuality?? Are you saying you liked that because it suggested someday you'd get to have two women in your bed for sex at once?

It is the most common male fantasy, a FMF. However, it is extraordinarily hard to do... Maybe one or two drunken hookups, which can go well, or badly, depending on the sexual skills of everyone in sharing so that everyone's needs are met.

But it is no basis for a relationship, a casual sexual hookup.

That said, sex does lead to attachment. It's biological. Just google "your brain on sex" and see that many things built into our brains and hormones leads to infatuation, if not love.

So it's no surprise that since the sex 3some (just one!) went well, you and Eve would start to feel attached to Crush.

Now, however, you say Eve is not comfortable with her own sexual, or emotional, feelings toward another woman. Yikes. Good luck, sounds like you're in for a rocky ride.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. If you know little to nothing about polyamory, or LGB feelings, there is plenty here to search for, or online in general. Read!

More Than Two (website and book) www.morethantwo.com
Opening Up (book)
 
You, Eve, and Crush had a date. Then shared threesome sex. Now are riding high from that. That's fine and normal. "Sex high" happens. It doens't mean it is love. There hasn't been enough time to develop that, and you guys don't really know each other all that well. So enjoy the feeling, but don't get all worked up over it. Understand that with any high, you will crave it again. Because nobody likes being in "withdrawal" -- you want another hit. But don't mistake "withdrawal" stuff for feelings of deep love.

My gf really liked the girl, but she's kinda of holding off because she's scared that everyone fall in love with everyone. It's hard do describe, she's even scared that she falls in love with the girl.

Sounds like she doesn't want to deal with love feelings at this time. Could not go there then.

The issue for my gf is that she'll definitly get scared if I start talking about poly and having a relationship with that girl at our side. She's not prude or anything, but she has some self-esteem issues from being bullied as a kid. And I think she also struggles a bit from finding out how bi she is.

Sounds like Eve doesn't want to deal in polyamorous relationships at this time. She's ok with casual hookups, but not that.

Additionally, sounds like Eve has some work to do on herself. Could do that work -- with or without a counselor.

It's just that liking a girl and having a poly relationship will probably scare my gf, even though if we let things happen naturally as they are now, it's probably gonna happen without more effort

If your GF is scared of being in a relationship with a woman and dealing with her bi side? And if she's scared of participating in a polyamorous relationship?

Maybe instead of “floating along into one” you guys could make a firm decision NOT to go there until Eve is both willing to poly and able to offer herself as a solid poly partner. No longer scared. Offering herself as a (frightened, reluctant, and wonky self esteem poly partner) doesn't sound great. She's got some baggage to unpack and sort out first.

Maybe she's monoamorous (wants only 1 sweetie -- you) and polysexual (wants more than 1 sex partner, as group sex or not as group sex). So even if she sorts out the self esteem and fear issues, she still won't be polyamorous. So she will not want to do polyamory with you and Crush.

Don't assume just because someone is up for sharing sex in threesomes, they are up for sharing love with more than 1.

A triad is essentially 3 V's stacked up together.

  • Eve + (you as the shared sweetie) + Crush
  • Eve + (Crush as the shared sweetie) + you
  • You + (Eve as the shared sweetie) + Crush

It is one of the hardest models to practice. It's INTENSE. If you can see from here that there's going to be a lot of potential problems because of Eve's issues, I def would not suggest just "letting it happen" right now.

I would suggest you agree not to go there at this time.

Perhaps even let go of more threesome sex with Crush if it is only going to inspire angsty feelings. Nothing wrong with being friends.

The only minor problem is that my gf would be reluctant at first, but I talk to her a lot and she'd eventually be in peace with herself.

Be careful you aren't trying to talk her into doing poly without her actually willing to or able to. If she's not at peace with herself NOW before entering into that, she likely not going to be later when the intensity ramps up.

Tread with caution. This isn't a "minor" problem.

Galagirl
 
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