Smelling the flowers

Pinch me!

Liebherr makes great fridges, too!

Yes, I've heard that's a great brand. :) We had planned on getting an all-refrigerator and they don't offer it in 36", so I didn't pursue Liebherr any further. Turns out we ended up with a refrigerator/freezer, so I probably could have keep them in the running.

I hadn't seriously considered freezer or refrigerator drawers, because they seem so ridiculously high priced for the cubic feet, but then Bond brought it up as an option. This really creates a fantastic shift, because of the ovens. By getting freezer drawers, it's possible to do wall ovens in a column. Woot! I'm gunning for a steam oven and a convection oven instead of two convection ovens, but we'll see. Either will be sweet!

We were about to buy a Sub-Zero 36" integrated over-and-under all-refrigerator - panel ready and 30" dual freezer drawers when Bond realized that we'd get more cubic feet in both refrigerator and freezer space if we bought the 36" built-in over-under refrigerator and a set of refrigerator drawers instead. For some reason the freezer in the over-under is larger than in the freezer drawers and the refrigerator drawers have more space than the freezer drawers. AND the floor model was on sale (something Sub-Zero never does - absolutely no negotiation) because it was last season's model and the store wanted it off their display floor. The first time we visited the store the saleslady told us that it was 10% off, but she'd let us have it for 15% off. This time she offered up 20% off. :D

Now we'll have a beverage center in the second island instead of the convection oven.

Added bonus: the compressors are in the top of the built-in models instead of the bottom like they are in the integrated which means I won't have to tippy-toe to reach things at the back of the top shelf.

Additional bonus: Sub-Zero is manufactured where we live which means there are many service technicians in our area.

We're going to the Sub-Zero and Wolf cooking demonstration dinner on the 30th. I'm ready to be dazzled. They have fancy-smanchy chefs that prepare food for you. I am really interested in seeing what their steam oven can do.

Here is our new baby. It'll be stripped of the panels and handles and we'll have our cabinet maker panel it and we'll get hardware to match the pulls used on the cabinetry.

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Interior:
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Refrigerator Drawers (top):
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(bottom)
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I don't think I slept a wink that night. The next morning I told Bond that I can't go from buying a Sub-Zero and totally changing up the kitchen floorplan to sleeping a few hours later. (I didn't say that I was also reeling from the immense size of the budget he said we had for this reno (he had checked his stocks earlier that day.) He dropped that on me before we left to go shopping and I don't think I've stopped grinning since. Holy, holy shit!)

He said, "Same." LOL, neither of us slept!
 
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Last night we were at a Healthy Happy Hour that a friend of ours threw and we got to talk to a friend of her's who is an interior designer. She used to do residential, but is now doing commercial interior design. She sent me the name of a General Contractor that she says is fantastic. I think Bond contacted him today.

The past day or so, Bond has been researching appliances and seems to really be gearing up to get this ball rolling. I thought I was totally ready to turn the design over to someone and have them get started, but now I'm full of questions about a mirade of things. Like, countertops. He is pro-Corian and our design friend says that Corian is not what it used to be and even the professionals aren't using it in commercial properties anymore. She thought we should consider quartz or granite. I will need to talk to Bond about this as I was already beginning to feel less warm fuzzies over the Corian. I'm just not sure we'll like the coldness of stone. And some of it seems like a lot of work. I think if we get honed and accept that we'll have etching that will be visible from certain angles we'll be just fine with granite. It feels like we need to know what all we want for appliances, counters, and backsplash right this very minute. I know we don't really need to, but we do have to make some decisions, because they impact others. I think we want a focal point backsplash. The tile that Bond has indicated he likes is blue/green. If we go with that, then we need to coordinate the color of the islands so that they don't clash. The design friend said she'd start with the backsplash and pick things from there. Lots to discuss with Bond.
 
I feel like such a rube—I had no idea you could make a fridge match your cabinets! That is some next-level fancy!
 
I feel like such a rube—I had no idea you could make a fridge match your cabinets! That is some next-level fancy!

Total crazy pants, huh? Maybe if I can't find the fridge I'll drop a size or two. LOL
 
We worked in the yard this morning until the sun started to zap our stamina and make us feel ill. There is so much more to do. It's a little frustrating because neither Bond or Golden are much for projects or physical labor. They'll work on things if I'm right there with them, but they're not self-motivated. I should have appreciated that about Twitch more. He was always busy with one project or another.

Bond is taking the boys, including my grandson, to a new arcade in a few minutes. I'm going to run to the grocery for drink items and snacks to add to the taco stuff B is making for everyone. Today is Shake the Lake. We're staying early with lake stuff and doing the event stuff in late afternoon. Fireworks will happen around 10pm. B's house is on a little bay and the big lake where they set off the fireworks is just beyond. We'll have a fantastic spot for viewing fireworks.

I'm almost too tired to do anything more today. Tomorrow morning and tomorrow evening it'll be more yard work for us. We absolutely need to get the mulch down. But first we party family style.
 
Today is my boss' last day. I was tasked with her retirement party at work. She's having a friends, family, and coworker party after work today. I have no illusions of getting much work done today. I need to run to the grocery store at noon to pick up the sheet cake and ice. I kept it simple with a Mojito Fruit Salad (non-alcoholic) and two varieties of infused water. Another co-worker brought little pretzels.

For the past 18-24 months she has been highly involved with a project called STAR. I ordered star decorations and wrote a bit for my work partner and I to do as part of the presentation. It's a total play on the word, STAR. Lots of STAR-related questions, but not the State's STAR PeopleSoft program. Instead STAR WARS and STAR TREK, and Dancing with the Stars, and Reagan's Star Wars initiative, etc. I hope I nail the delivery and that people find it funny. My co-worker thinks it quite good, let's hope the others do, too.
 
I got my tattoo six days ago. It hurt. I survived. :) It was actually all very manageable. It's healing very well. I started peeling a couple of days ago. I woke up one morning and it was like I was a snake shedding my skin. I've keep it gooed up with Aquaphor Healing Ointment, so it's all good. Yesterday it started feeling a bit itchy and this morning before I was truly awake I scratched it about three times back and forth until I realized I was scratching my tattoo. Eeek.

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Overall I'm very happy with it. On Day Two or so, I had to will my mind away from going down the path of "Oh, my god, what have I done? I'll have this artwork with me forever!" It's pretty. I've gotten a ton of favorable feedback from people. And it suits me. (I think it's the perspective of me attempting to take a picture of my own arm, but it really doesn't appear to have such a blank spot at the top on my bicep.)
 
It's lovely! I got one 7 days ago myself, and OMG yes the itching right now! very little peeling though...

I should post a picture over on my thread.
 
It's lovely! I got one 7 days ago myself, and OMG yes the itching right now! very little peeling though...

I should post a picture over on my thread.

Very cool! Yes, you should post a picture. I'd love to see it. :)
 
Last night was Polycocktails. We had to get dinner over with and then set up Son #2 with ice cream making before we could get out the door. It was well after 7:30 before we arrived. As is typical of summertime, there weren't all that many people in attendance.

B was already there by the time we arrived. She was holding a baby...in a bar. He's the son of two ladies that Bond has a connection with. For a time they were trying to conceive and Bond was their sperm donor. They were unable to become pregnant, so they chose another route - this time both egg and sperm donation - that did not involve Bond. Baby O was passed from B to Bond and he fell asleep in Bond's arm. He's four months old and such a good baby. I think Bond is kind of sad that he's not a mini-Bond, but he is very happy for the moms and really enjoyed holding him.

Afterwards we went over to B's. B invited another friend over that I think she's tempted to start something with. It was weird, because it wasn't totally obvious that she was getting her flirt on. I think Bond is hurt on some levels that she isn't taking advantage of opportunities when she could be intimate with us or stay over with us. Geez, did I mention that we finally advanced this triad to being sexual? Yeah, that happened...once. It was fun and didn't feel awkward. No jealousies or feeling like a third wheel on anyone's part.

We are moving along with the kitchen remodel. Monday our cabinets guy who is also a Kitchen Designer, sent us two plans, our original and one that he came up with. My plan is far better than his hands down - and I posted it to a forum of kitchen gurus to get their input, so it's not just my opinion. Anyway, it's pretty exciting. Thursday morning we're meeting with a remodeler. We're trying to set up a follow-up meeting with the cabinets guy for the same afternoon. I have a dentist appointment at 11:00, so I should be free by 1:00 PM. I hope he can fit us in. Bond is tempted to take on the GC himself. That kind of makes me nervous. I can just see this project dragging out indefinitely, because what I've heard is that subs tend to prioritize their steady work with contractors over miscellaneous jobs from independents.

We have booked family camping for 27-28th with Ginge and his little girl, and B and her two kids. It's a really fun campground that has tons of stuff for the kids to do. We went last year and the kids loved it. We're doing an adults-only camping trip in August. That will be really fun.
 
Our lives are going by so smoothly that it seems there isn't much to post about. Poly life is calm and good. Bea moved to Big City by the Lake last weekend. Bond and I helped her pack one evening and he helped with loading the moving van on the big day. It's rather unknown what their dating life will be going forward. Her new city is 1.5 hours away so that makes weeknight dates near impossible. Weekends this first month she'll have her little girl. Once school starts she'll have her during the week and will be kid-free on the weekends, but her other boyfriend isn't really poly and he gets a her time if he's not working. He just finished State Patrol schooling and it's possible he's pulling a lot of weekend shifts, but that's all speculation at this point.

Our triad with B is going well. Sex has been really good and very comfortable. No angst. I find that remarkable. It makes my heart happy.

Mostly Bond and I have been kitchen obsessed. We are up to our eyeballs in all things kitchen. Our GC requires that we have everything selected prior to the work beginning. Yesterday the subcontractors did their walk through. They have 5-10 business days to get their numbers in. We still need to select countertops, backsplash, hardware and settle on a window. Tomorrow morning we're going to the granite yard and in the afternoon we're going to see a similar window to what we're contemplating that our GC did for another client.

It's kind of frustrating to get all of these things selected because most of these places are only open during our work hours and they close on Saturdays at 2pm if they're open at all. I've been using vacation time for appointments. We have an appointment for tile on Wednesday. I hope that all the components come together after that. It's a bit daunting to have to select everything beforehand without having the actual colors of the islands. We have a Walnut cabinet door, but the sample for the blue islands isn't the right shade. Guess work. Arg.

I hope you all are doing well.
 
We knocked it out the park on kitchen remodel decisions this weekend. Saturday morning we met an interior designer friend at a stone yard. It was so nice having her along. She doesn't do residential anymore (currently doing commercial properties), but she's well versed in this stuff and it added a sense of comfort for Bond and me. Our favorite granite was called Blue Ray and it's very vibrant. If we go with it, it will change a lot about our kitchen design. Mainly, we will not be doing blue islands. And it would lend a modern flair, so we're even reconsidering the 5-panel cabinet doors and may switch it up to slabs. While we like the modern look, we can't really imagine living with it in our home, so maybe not. The big worry for me about the Blue Ray is that it's a dyed granite. I have a query out on a kitchen forum asking about the concerns related to dyed granites. Hopefully I'll have some information on that yet today. IF it's a go both budget and durability-wise, we plan on using a black/gray for the perimeter counters.

After the stone yard we parted ways with our designer friend and stopped at a Verlo window retailer. We got a few answers, so that was progress.

We made home for lunch and then hurried to a cabinet hardware store that is close by. That was super easy. In less than 45 minutes we had a decision. And to add to the fun the hardware we selected is really economical. I think we'll be $200 under budget.

When we got home we had a short window of time before our next appointment, so Bond took the boys to Toys R' Us and I stayed home where I celebrated a few minutes of quiet. :)

At four o'clock we had to be out the door to go see a window that our GC had put in another client's home. It was a wide awning kitchen window. We want to go wider than an awning comes in and he wanted us to see this window to see if we'd be happy with that width. Our other windows in the house are all awning-style, so our GC is really pushing for another awning. The window was lovely and it was kind of fun to see Bond catapult to the fact that all white kitchens aren't necessarily boring. Sigh. Now he has me on board for a non-white kitchen, but gawd, it took me months to swing my taste away from white. But overall, we have wide expanses of windows in all the rooms. They're just done in sets of three. We're going to depart from that look with the kitchen window. It'll be deeper, because we're going from counter height and it'll be bumped out 6". These difference almost dictate that it needs to break away from the awning style. When we got home that night Bond poured over the window catalogs and found one that will work beautifully for us. It's a 25/50 split which means that 50% of the width will be the center, stationary pane, and the side panes will be 25% of the width each and will slide to open. It'll be 8' x 4'. Decision made. :)

I also feel fairly settled with my idea for the backsplash tile - if we do the Blue Ray granite on the islands. The design would be to use several shades of white tile with different finishes, 40% matte and 60% glossy. I passed my idea by our designer friend and she thought it sounded great. She said it would echo the glossy surface of the Blue Ray on the islands and the matte surface of the perimeter without adding more visual movement. We meet with the designer for flooring/tile on Wednesday.

Sunday Bond took the boys to the movies and I stayed home. As soon as he was out the door I booked it the big hardware chain in our area and bought three big ass shelving units for the garage and some additional hooks to hang things and totes to organize things. By the time he returned I had the garage pulled apart and two shelving units completed. He was so surprised and delighted and proud of me. He had to leave right away for Beatdown, but he got the boys to help support the cabinets I was removing from the wall before he left. By the time he got home two hours later I had made so much progress. He jumped in and helped me for the next four hours. It looks GREAT. We even have spare room on the shelves.

Part of the impetus to doing this was that our GC wants to put a mudroom-style bench in there, plus the mess and disorder has driven me crazy ever since Bond and I started dating. By the time we were done, Bond and I started voicing our concerns about having a bench in there. Basically, it was never our idea and neither one of us want it. We can take the hook rack that we use now and put it to one side of the door into the house and we have a shelf unit there now (a heavy-duty plastic one that he had from before) and use that for shoes if we feel the need. Any other overflow of coats, jackets, and shoes can go into one of the closets in the house - lord knows we have enough of them. Another decision made. Yay, us!

On other news: my youngest son, Taylor, spent the night last night and I dropped him off at the airport this morning. He's going to Massachusetts for 13 days to Air Assault school. It was fun to catch up with him. He's been doing an internship this summer. He's an Environmental Sciences major. He will start his thesis this next year and someone he came in contact with through the internship has given him an idea and is willing to fund it. He's amazed and excited. He declined competing for Soldier of the Year for this coming year, because he said he needs to concentrate on school, but he'll become a sergeant in January and will compete for NCO of the Year for the following year. He also let me know that he is writing his application to do active duty following graduation. He feels it'll be safer to be with career Army soldiers than the National Guard, so that's the direction he wants to go. The fact that he'll have a lot of salary banked by the time his tour is done is also a big incentive. He's always forward facing in life.
 
In the past week or so, Ginge, has declared his love for B and his dissatisfaction with how much of her time he is getting (he gets SO much of her time) and the lack of other intimacies he desires. They're best friends. They've had multiple discussions over time that clearly defines the fact that she'll never want a different type of relationship with him. He is trying to quit smoking and is taking Chantix. We're all pretty certain that it's really messing with his emotions. It has not been a secret that he's very envious of our triad and wishes very much to be included. He was maintaining and dealing before the Chantix, but is now totally raw and hurting. He started seeing B's therapist this past week. I wish he had found a totally unrelated therapist and quite frankly, I can't believe she took him on as a client seeing as she's already B's therapist and much of his current emotional distress revolves around B. Tonight we're all going out to dinner and stargazing afterwards. I hope the night isn't full of tension and I hope I can stay awake. LOL

We picked out flooring and backsplash tile yesterday. Of course, all selections are tentative until we see the overall project costs (on the 19th) and if we decide upon the Blue Ray (which I think we're going to do.)

Backsplash: We'd use the glossy blue, not the matte. Just one little row of blue one tile up from the counter, the rest in the 4" x 12" white - I thought it was 3" x 18"...hmm.
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Granite:

Blue Ray Granite, dyed, polished. On the two islands.
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One of these black suede finished granites for the perimeter countertops.

Virginia Black Granite, suede
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or

American Black Granite, suede
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Our cabinets will be similar to these walnut cabinets.
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The big question now is which flooring to go with. We know we want luxury vinyl, we just don't know if we're going with tile or sheet vinyl. I think the tile is much nicer, but it may be more than Bond is willing to spend. I suspect, though, that he'll end up going with it, because this morning he already voiced that he's concerned that the sheet vinyl is going to be a mistake and look too cheap and not fit with the other elements in the room and that we'll regret it. I guess we'll wait to see how the numbers go.

This is the one I expect we'll go with. Although, I think we'd mix it up with a combination of the 6" x 48" and 12" x 24" planks.
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It's coming together. :)
 
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We canceled last night's meteor shower viewing. Both Bond and I were too tired to have another night outside of the house. (Ended up having too much cloud cover anyway.) Another factor was that I needed to get a decent night's sleep, because I'm going north to see my parents this weekend. My sister called me yesterday to let me know that our mother was hospitalized the night before, but she was going home. The doctor doesn't expect her to have a heart attack in the next week - blood work and medication she is on kind of eliminate that risk, but overall, her heart is very weak and enlarged. We are on borrowed time with her and have been for some time. I've been so wrapped up in my life with Bond that I haven't given much time to my parents in the past year or so. I feel guilty as heck. Going home is stressful and I avoid going which causes a lot of guilt. But I'm heading there directly from work today. It's close to a four hour drive with the potty breaks added.

Ginge and I bought tickets to see Alton Brown in May. We had talked about it before tickets were on sale, so today when I saw they were available I contacted Ginge and he called the box office.

Ginge is really depressed. So much of what he says reminds me of where I was after Twitch and I separated. He's tired of himself and his thought cycles. I remember being so sick of myself during that time. I hated how my thoughts were relentless and how they circled round and round over the same subject matter and the pain never ceased. Thankfully he's started seeing a therapist and he's determined to work through his problems.

Yesterday he really laid things on B. It was rather alarming the stuff he was putting onto her. She shared some of the texts. Basically she let him know that she can be supportive, but he has to do the work himself. It's a raw situation and it hurts seeing him in such pain.

Speaking of Twitch, he's taken a new job in Chicago and is moving in with Shasti and their baby. I wish he'd let himself be free of the past and really allow himself to enjoy this new phase, but from the little we've communicated I think he's still holding back and feeling like shit about how things went with us. I have wished him the best and told him I hope he loves it there. In my heart, though, I feel twinges of pain and a bit of panic that he's slipping further away both physically and emotionally. It's odd to feel both a desire for him to release himself from his past and to feel sad that he's leaving me in his past. We rarely communicate and we're living totally separate lives, so it's time. It's just hard when he was someone I loved so very, very much.

He is giving my daughter, Megan, a lot of his furniture and Taylor the pro-style tool chest and tools.

Oh, here's another big one, Bond is taking steps to file for legal separation from his wife. He learned that it's just as much work, paperwork-wise, as filing for divorce, and that after 4 or 6 months, can't recall, one of them can ask to have the separation converted to a divorce. I asked him why he didn't just divorce then, and he said that it basically comes down to taxes. That once they're divorced the money she receives will not be tax deductible so he'll take a hit. And then he added on, besides, he's not planning on getting married. Ouch. Maybe someday he'll feel differently.
 
My trip up north was great on the emotional scale. My parents were so happy to see me. The actual drive up there was difficult, because the sciatic nerve in my right leg was really causing pain; peaking in intensity at my knee and continuing down my leg. It was raining pretty hard for the second half of the trip so I didn't feel comfortable setting cruise control, which meant that I couldn't stretch out my leg to see if that would ease the pain. Instead I rubbed my leg for miles. The return trip was better, with only minor nerve pain, thank goodness.

I helped my mom weed a flower garden that runs the length of their sidewalk. I had weeded it earlier this summer and my aunt has been weeding it, too, but weeds are relentless in their growth and they'd gotten a good hold and were quite established. Thankfully the rain had softened the ground and we were able to pull them, roots and all, without breaking them off. I kept telling my mom she should pull up a lawn chair and just visit with me, but she insisted she wasn't overexerting herself and kept right in there with me. Stubborn lady.

I helped her find her wagon in the barn, someone had set it in the manger and it wasn't easy to spot. She was happy to get it out where she can use it again. She loads it with things and pulls it around the yard to whatever project she's tackling, so it's a handy little thing. After that my dad joined us in raspberry picking. They are just coming into season, so there wasn't much to pick - only about a small mixing bowl's worth. Soon, though, they'll have scads and will be very tired of the chore before the season is done.

My sister has a new job running the county historical museum. I hadn't been there in many years, so I asked if they'd be up to visiting her. When we arrived she was in the process of giving volunteers their breaks, so she had each of us take over a person's post while they took their break, thus speeding up the process so we could spend time with her. It was fun. They've added a lot to the grounds since I had been there last, including a saloon. (That doesn't serve alcohol.) We each had a soda in a glass bottle, my sister's treat. I had a sarsaparilla. :)

The guy that my dad stood in for was an interesting man. He is two years older than my dad and I swear they could have been cut from the same cloth. The two of them started telling stories of their youth and both of them had gone on "adventures" starting at young ages. Both of them hitchhiked out west and worked on farms and such starting around ages 14-15. Actually, I think my dad started running away from home at an earlier age. Those were different times. I wish we'd have been video taping them, because it flowed so well and wasn't rehearsed.

Once the grounds were locked tight we met my sister and brother-in-law for dinner at a restaurant in town and afterwards they treated us to a pontoon ride on the chain of lakes. My brother-in-law's pontoon is old, but it's functional. Being on the water is so wonderful. It feels good through and through, especially at that time of day when the sun isn't bright overhead, but instead is low in the sky. Its light bright, but softer and less harsh that earlier in the day. I think it's my mother's favorite thing in all the world to do. We turned toward home before reaching the Long Bridge, timing the sun dipping lower than the trees just as we docked back at their place.

That night before bed my father started in on the dinar and general conspiracy theories related to our government. I just couldn't even. Ugh. I went to bed. His crazy talk drains me. I think it ushered in "crazy parent" for the next day.

Here are my posts on Facebook as I tried to capture their quirkiness, and also the fun of parents off the rails and how sweet they can be. :)

Sweeping your parents' floor: suddenly your parents can't stop themselves from "helping". Equally as helpful as having a three-year-old assist. Back off. I got this. (Remember when you taught me how to do this 40 some years ago?)




And now my parents are taking the scenic way home and they're "introducing" me to all the things as if I didn't spend 30 years here. Oiy vey! Yes, I remember City View farm. Yes, I know where Cowleys live. Yes, that's Vicki's.
WTF?!!




I'm a bad influence on my parents. They skipped church so I could get my dad's new computer set up.

They just got a call from a congregation member; twenty questions is commencing. Considering my mother's heart condition it's rather sweet. ‪#‎smallcommunities‬

It was a great visit. I returned home with five dozen eggs, two hostas, and an astilbe. It was nice to return to my family and they do feel like family now. The boys and Bond were starving, but waited for me to arrive, and then we all went to World Buffet. The kids were chatty and in good spirits. We sat a long while after everyone finished eating just enjoying time with each other.
 
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Oh, I forgot to mention that neither my mom or my dad mentioned my tattoo. I wondered if they would remain silent or if they'd finally break. It made me smile as I'm sure they were keeping to, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all." My sister didn't start off with a tattoo comment, but eventually she complimented me on it and said, "I don't like tattoos, but I think yours is pretty." And then my parents both chimed in.

Sunday morning when we met my aunt and uncle for breakfast they expressed that tattoos are crazy and what is this world coming to?! I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to tattoo them. I mean, why else would they feel the need to share that tidbit otherwise? So, now I've removed their names from my list of people I'm going to force into getting tattoos. :D
 
I took this picture of my mother on our pontoon ride. She looks amazing for 81 years of age.

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I spent a long time messaging with Ginge today. I feel totally inadequate at dishing out advice. I told him that upfront, but he still wanted to talk to me about his feelings for B.

Ok so here is my biggest frustration.

I have overstepped a boundary that I don't know what it was. And have asked. As a recourse I am not allowed any one on one friend time with B until October.
After therapy on Monday I see the dependence pattern that has grown over the last few months in me.
And that is not healthy. At all.

It's not easy to change the pattern when you are not allowed any practice time


I didn't know she had instituted a no one on one time moratorium until October.

I haven't had any time just her and me since before Jun 30th
It's either with you and Bond or kids or Ashly or Amalia.


I'm not sure practice time is needed. I think giving yourself time to shift your mentality and emotional dependency is the goal and that's not something one can practice per say.

And none of that time is copasetic to discussion.

Are you excluding time when you guys had your kids?

Yes.
That is few and far between too.
I understand your point.
But that is not how I learn.
Or change.


Ginge, from where I am standing it seemed like you two saw each other every day darn near.

Yes. Yes we did.
And that is part of the problem.
I was grasping for time instead of trying to improve the quality of time.


"But that is not how I learn.
Or change."

That kind of sounds like you want to play the system so you can have it your way.


Good point.
Maybe.
I have not thought of that.
I guess I am trying to get these other points of view.


As a friend, best friend, do you feel alone time is required? Are you seeing your friendship with B as more than that? Can you accept fully that is all she's offering?

Which you are providing. (Re: points of view)

Yes it is required. And encouraged and as soon as I processed the initial nudge out of the nest. I have been doing that.
At least that is the way I feel.
As for the second question.
I am working on that one. Very hard.


So this is a requirement you impose on all your close friendships then?

I think there was a misunderstanding?
Clarify please...
Back to second point
I am inlove with B in addition to loving her.
That is my feelings and I have to be ok with those not being her feelings.
That is what I am working on.

I am uncomfortable with this conversation.
Just letting you know.
That didn't mean to imply I would not continue.
I am seeing through you filter.
And that is good extra data.


Yes, I'm glad we established that.
That's a hard spot to be in. It's hard to not feel like there are certain things we "need". It’s even harder to not push for them or make demands, even unspoken ones, of the person we want so badly. I lived this with Twitch.


Yes.
I believe I did not do a good job of communicating wants.
And did use words needs.

If I cannot communicate openly wants and those are truly not believed to be destructive and well within reach.
But I am not allowed to voice them. I feel that is not ok.


I hear you. I'm not sure how to express this and it gets tangled up on me, but you have expressed your love and what you wish for. B has told you that she can't offer you that. Now you need to figure out if you can continue as a friend or if that will be a miserable situation for you to live with.
You cannot control anyone besides yourself.
It has to do with expectations.


Well when you put it that way....
Puzzle pieces are solidifying.
Give me a moment...


Just so you know, I really feel for you with this. I've lived it and I know it's painful. I would love to make this go away for you.

Where you in B's place or my place?

Your place, with Twitch. I loved him so much and he just couldn't love me anymore. He was so wrapped up in love with Shasti, but I was still madly in love with him.
I wanted a relationship that he didn't.
I had to let my expectations go. Ones I didn't even realize I was harboring.
Things as simple as expecting a reply to a text saying good morning. It got to the point where I had to be okay with not expecting a reply. To feel perfectly fine with sending him a good morning without a thought of what I might receive in return. It's hard to divorce oneself from expectations.


Can we have a face to face conversation on this sometime soon. I think it would really help me.

Sure. :)

I know you are extremely busy.

I can make time. :)
For you. :)


Thank you.
I have toots tonight and tomorrow.
Next week would be m,t,f,s,sun
Let me know what you think for time.
Please


Tuesday would be the best for me. 🙂
Hopefully I'm getting Bond out of town for two days sometime after Tuesday. I just don't know which days yet.


Well with toots on Tuesday its a no go for me.
Good for you two!


Oh, I messed that up. Sorry.

You deserve a break.
Both


Oh, I thought you were listing the days you were free next week. Gotcha.
So, Wed and Thursday are your free days next week?


Yes.
Sorry that just seems like an eternity at this moment.
Aargh. So frustrated with my brain!
Stupid Chantex is amplifying everything too.


Friday night this week?

That would work for me. 😊
Okay then! 🙂

Thank you!
Are you thinking after work or later?


I was thinking after work, which for me is 6ish. We could grab something at Ramen Station if that sounds good to you and then go to your place to talk, or we could order pizza or whatever. I'm open to whatever you want to do and whatever time.

That time will work for me.
I will noodle on noodles
We will get something.
I would like to say I feel better; but I don't.
I do feel like there will be more hope soon.


{{{hugs}}}
Catch you later. I need to accomplish some work unfortunately.


Thank you for your time.
I was not expecting this; but thank you.


You're welcome. I wish I was better at this stuff.

I wish I were better too and didn't need help.
HoHum. Reality is a bitch!
Lol


Well, then you'd be super human. We all struggle with stuff at different points in our lives.
Reality is such a bitch!!!
LOL


*******************
I wish I was better at playing therapist. I worry that my viewpoint is off or not helpful.

Exciting news: our bedroom set is scheduled for delivery tomorrow afternoon. Finally. It was a custom order and we've been waiting 12 weeks. Tonight we need to get our bedroom ready for the new furniture. Not sure exactly how to do that considering we need to use most everything tonight and will not have places for things until the new set is installed.

We met with our cabinets guy last night for nearly two hours. I scraped a few specialty things I wanted in order to bring the price down. By doing so on two cabinets I dropped the price over $1,500. Hopefully that'll help make way for the granite countertops. We're so far down the design path with the blue granite that I can't imagine how hard it will be if we have to go with another countertop material. We modified the design for the bench and cubbies. I feel like we improved the design, plus it should be less expensive. Win. Win.

Tomorrow afternoon the designer from the flooring and tile store will be dropping off the LVT we picked out so we can see it in our space. Friday we meet with the GC to go over the budget and contract.

After our meeting we had a date with B. We went to a new restaurant that we've been hearing about. It was quite nice. We loved that the booths had long benches so we could all three sit on one side. I'm sure the waitstaff wondered what was up, but quite frankly we don't give a fuck. We were partway through dinner when B mentioned that we hadn't seen Ricky, a bartender we enjoy, in a long time. I called the bar to see if he was working and he was, so that's where we went after dinner. OMG, B and Ricky are such flirts. I can't even tell you the things that girl did while we were there. Let's just say that Ricky now has more for his spank bank on his phone. We left there around 10:30 and went back to B's. It was after midnight when we left for home.

We had so much sexy fun. Much to my surprise Bond wanted to fuck again when we got home. And this from a man who just a year ago thought having sex once a day was his max. Ah, you've come a long way, Bond! :D

Last night Bond told B and me that he feels that this is the happiest time in his life.
 
The delivery people broke our headboard at previous delivery. :mad: It fell over in truck. Cracked beyond help. It's a platform bed, so it can't be set up without the headboard. Bond told them to bring the dresser anyway.

So disappointing. We've been waiting 12 weeks for this. Bond is awaiting a call from the store manager. I am hoping it'll only take a couple of weeks to get a replacement headboard.
 
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