Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

I spent the morning being in a really good mood. My daughter and I had lunch together, and I did the grocery shopping that was needed. I had meant to take a return back to Home Depot, but I had left it at the house. Lucky me, this meant that after grocery shopping I went home to snag it and actually then it had allowed enough time for PunkRock to text me when I arrived there. So when I went to make the return, I also got to stop in with a vanilla milkshake and give PunkRock some kisses. It was hot out and he seemed appreciative of both. :)

In the afternoon, my daughter, DarkKnight and I went to the YMCA and signed up for a 3 month membership. The lady that was supposed to get us set up with the weight machines decided she didn't have enough time in her schedule to help us, so we spent our time on the treadmills. Unfortunately for me, I hadn't worn sneakers made for walking, so I now have terribly painful blisters on the balls of my feet. So I am kinda peeved about that. I am supposed to go in tomorrow for my 1-on-1 session with the trainer, but I am fairly sure I will be canceling it. Fuck a duck.

This evening was a bit of a bummer. I wasn't feeling like I had any of WarMan's attention at all when I went to talk to him after 5 pm, and when I went to take a shower we had a misunderstanding. After the shower, I was sitting on the couch and I was watching a TV show and the main character was having this incredibly intense make out session. WarMan had come downstairs to sit next to me and I told him that no one had kissed me like that in a long time. I said it playfully, while I was moving over to kiss him. He was annoyed and told me that well, maybe I should find someone else that wasn't a crummy person who would make out like I wanted. I shrunk back, and told him I had just wanted a kiss. Then - I shit you not - he told me that I shouldn't have called him a crummy boyfriend! I was seriously flabbergasted and made him repeat himself. Of course I pointed out immediately that I had said NOTHING like that, and he had said it!

He looked at ME like I was crazy and told me he couldn't really remember who said what, but that it was not a good feeling to always hear how he isn't measuring up.

At that point, DarkKnight popped in and said it was dinner time, and I was so upset and hurt that I told WarMan that I had no idea why I even bothered sometime. Then I got up and left the room to eat. When I came back, he hadn't moved, and when I asked him about eating he just said since I had stomped off, he didn't feel like he would be comfortable at the table.

Later my two hubbies and him watched Red State (WarMan's suggestion) with me and then we all went to bed. I cried for a while after WarMan started snoring in his chair. I don't do well in bed alone on good nights, and I felt pretty abandoned by everyone. I ended up masturbating, because I was really needing some sort of physical positive feelings, but as always, it didn't leave me refreshed or happy. WarMan had tried to lay down next to me but he was in a lot of pain due to his bad back and he couldn't stop groaning and moving around, so that wasn't conducive to anything. I hadn't expected he'd be in a sexual mood - but I was hurt when I asked him if he could at least finger me and he said no. He has always said to me he'd always be up to at least help me out, but apparently he wasn't tonight. He did tell me he wouldn't mind if I went downstairs or down the hall to get relief from one of my husbands, but instead of sounding understanding, to me it just sounded like he didn't care about me.

I am trying - oh how I am trying - I am trying really hard to believe that he loves me still and that his back really was just hurting something terrible tonight. When I am laying here feeling alone though, it's really difficult to let that positive narrative be loud enough to matter.
 
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Ugh. I feel gross. I have one pair of men's sport shorts that I wear to work out in, and of course I wore them yesterday. DarkKnight had taken them to wash them with his stuff last night, but he left early this morning and they aren't anywhere I scoped out. So, I am now wearing a black Boba Fett tshirt that I stole from PunkRock and a pair of black yoga pants. I am not normally a pants-wearing sort of girl so on a day when I am feeling beautiful, I wouldn't normally feel like myself if I had pants on, and today is not a gorgeous-me day. So, ugh.

Also, going to work out means that I am wearing zero bracelets, which means I am not myself.

Since everyone left this morning, I had to walk to the YMCA, which really - having to work out to go work out is just cruel, don't you think?

Plus, I really need to color my hair. I hadn't noticed before, but looking in the mirror this morning - yeah, I am old.

And fat. Oh geez, I am all sorts of squishy in places that should not be. Which is why I find myself at the gym on a Saturday morning, I suppose. I have to do something. That said, I had forgotten to eat anything this morning, so I fueled up with a handful of Funyuns before I left. Sigh. I did bring a bottle of water with me though. Yay?

So far my feet feel ok from the blisters I gave them yesterday by wearing the wrong shoes. I am wearing my New Balance black-and-hot pink sneakers today, so hopefully things will be better.
 
It's so difficult when expressing a desire is taken as an insult. Sonetimes people seem determined to assume the worst whenever we open our mouths and I'm not sure what you can do about that if they don't see what they're doing.
 
Bluebird, you know what has occurred to me since reading your last several posts about WarMan? I hope you won't take this badly, but with DK and PRAS, you were often the one who struggled with lower self-esteem from time to time and they often lifted you up. But now with WM, he generally seems to have very low self-esteem, possibly more often than you do and in a more fatalistic way, and you are now challenged because he is in a total funk about himself all the time. Not saying that you don't or can't lift up others -- you do that on a regular basis in your life and are a master at it -- nor that your two husbands never have their low points, because all of you are human. But as far as the loves of your life go, he's different that way.

It's a shame though, that he has no idea how to lift himself up or stop seeing himself as irreparably and hopelessly damaged. It's like he has the very strong belief that he will always be unable to have love relationships because he sucks. I just hope he doesn't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy and alienate himself from you, and wind up stuck with nothing except his dysfunctional so-called friendship with Monkey. As long as he lets her have full reign over his personal life, he'll NEVER have a functional love relationship with anyone else. Again, whenever he gets testy and pissy with you, I blame her. I hope you guys address this shit in therapy.
 
Yeah, I don't know that he has time right now for more therapy. He has been proactive this weekend looking and applying for jobs. He has a meeting with his boss this morning, and we will see where he is at. Having to start a new job is stressful.

Father's Day was ok, I suppose. I thought it might be difficult for me, with my dad being dead and all, but it wasn't. DarkKnight spent the morning at the cemetery, visiting his dad's grave and he was teary about it. I didn't go with him because I was concerned about my own mental health, but in hindsight I would probably had been ok. My daughter in NY called DarkKnight and they had a nice chat, and my son came over and gifted him a TMNT hardcover book. Our daughter who is still at home gifted him a new set of BlueTooth headphones he had on his Amazon wish list, and gave PunkRock a homemade card that said "you're not a stepdad, but a bonus dad" and bought him a blue tardigrade tshirt that says "Water bear don't care." We had KFC in for dinner, at their request.

Yesterday was also a pretty good day for WarMan and I. I think we were both trying to be pleasant to the other and it went really well. When we aren't making each other sad, we do make each other happy. His tire was still flat on his car, so we spent most of the day running errands and me driving him places while it got replaced. Our mutual WarMachine friend had been chatting with me the night prior and all morning, so he came over and visited PunkRock, me and WarMan and we discussed his new Cygnar army - he wanted my help identifying some of the stuff. So that was fun.

I finished watching Fuller House. I thought the ending of the season REALLY could have been awesome with a poly V forming, but of course a "family friendly" show couldn't end with that sort of inappropriate option. Sigh. But I really, really wanted it to be a choice. It would be amazing to see the main character struggle to make her new V work in the next season. Someday!

Yesterday was pretty amazing for PunkRock and I. We didn't spend loads of time with each other, but when we had minutes here and there, he was crazy snuggly and kissy faced. We talked a bit about our moving plans, and what might happen if WarMan has to move someplace we hadn't anticipated, and what if we just rent neighboring apartments in a building. Like, townhouses. That way we'd get to know the area before we buy a house, and see how things shake out. We also talked about his credit and what still needs to happen to make our mortgage broker visit easy and not painful. :) I will be ordering more credit reports in July, and we'll have a meeting about stuff with DarkKnight in August. I think everything is still on track with plans and finances on our side.

Though, holy crap - everything this month ended up costing $100 more. My daughter's plane ticket, her senior pictures...and I have a lot of worry surrounding her trade school bill coming due in August. I think we will be able to swing it, but it will be close.

Anyway, back to PunkRock. Lately, just looking into his eyes - there is no doubt that he is my soulmate. I love him so very much, and I just feel so safe and loved back when I am in his arms. We seemed to be at cross-purposes when it came to sex this past weekend, meaning we didn't have any, but I still felt content just to be near him. His kisses are amazeballs.

That said, I haven't had sex since Thursday, when I was with DarkKnight. So I am really starting to get antsy. When I finish up writing this, I am going to pop downstairs since PunkRock doesn't have to be at work until 1 pm. Maybe we can straighten out those cross purposes. :)
 
Finally finished collecting all the Bobbleheads in Fallout 3 this morning, so I went ahead and finished the final quest and completed the game. Skyrim time!

I need to pop in the shower in a minute, so DarkKnight and I can go out to lunch together. I need to kiss him lots today - he fell asleep in the middle of our date night on the couch and I ended up sleeping down with PunkRock since DarkKnight was OUT. Lol Can't say that I'm sorry because I had crazy sexy fun times with PunkRock just after midnight. He is so very good at turning me on and keeping me revved up. I didn't think he'd be up for sex again since I gave him a blowjob yesterday morning, but boy, was he ever! He's off to work already today or else I'd prolly go pay him another visit right now - once my drive kicks into gear - I can't seem to shut it down. Heh

I am teaching today though - and ugh, that's the last thing I want to do! I spent a good amount of time yesterday organizing my minis and taking inventory of what bits I need to order and what new models I want. I was hoping to get painting time in yesterday but the inventory took a while and then I had to go get my cardio in with DarkKnight. So maybe today! Though, if I shower now and go to lunch with DarkKnight, I will get back in time to prep for class, and only have an hour or so break before DarkKnight is done with work, and this afternoon we are scheduled for circuit training. My muscles are sore as hell all ready, but I am determined to keep going with our workouts. Anyway, that leaves this evening for WarMachine stuff. WarMan said he would be up for painting, so that's good for me!

So, yeah - shower time.
 
Heh, congrats on finishing Fallout 3--I never did. When I can I've been retrying Fallout 4. Honestly I don't like it as much as 3 or NV, but it's starting to grow on me. I'm a long, long way from getting all the bobbleheads.
 
I was pretty focused on it for a long while! :) Today I spent a couple hours on Skyrim, and about an hour last night. Ugh, there goes my life!

Right now I am trying to get into a routine. I finally weighed myself - and it was WAY worse than I expected. I haven't been so overweight in years! I gained an additional 11 pounds this last month - I definitely eat my feelings! I have been working out everyday with DarkKnight now, at the YMCA, at 3:30 when he gets off of work. Tuesdays and Thursdays are strength training on the circuit - and oh boy do my muscles feel like jelly! M-W-F is supposed to be Aqua Zumba at 8 am for cardio, but I have yet to wake up in time, so instead I go with DarkKnight at 3:30 to walk the treadmill or do the recumbent stationary bike. I absolutely hate going to the gym but having DarkKnight there shames me into actually doing it and afterward I do feel accomplished.

I have been messaging with my best friend in NY everyday - we send each other photos of everything we eat, and give each other levels of where our huger is at - 10 being starving. That has been helpful because I now realize that I spend a lot of time at a 2, not hungry at all, to all of a sudden ramping up to a 9 and then overeating. I don't recognize that I am really hungry until I am desperate to eat. That is definitely something I never noticed before and that I need to work on, for sure.

I started back with MyFitnessPal too, logging all of my food intake but I haven't made a lot of major changes to my diet yet. My calories are not where they should be, obviously, but just putting them down helps me be more aware.

Right at this moment, PunkRock is being fitted for his CPAP machine. I am so relieved he will finally have this! I have been worried about him for a while. It is kind of funny that he is getting it today though, since I will be with him tonight for its first use! When he gets finished with that we are going to go grab lunch and then he is making dinner tonight - homemade chicken salad sammies!
 
I haven't updated in a short bit because I've been down and sad. WarMan is still stressed like crazy and depressed, and neither of us are handling things well. It feels like he has emotionally withdrawn from me, so that has me pulling back as well. All of our alone time this week hasn't worked out because he's on call, and he actually missed an overnight because he was up on the phone until after 3 am. I managed to fall asleep all by myself, but I was really dismayed the next morning when I had to ask for some hugs and physical touch. He went to Monkey's after that, and then messaged me later in the evening, telling me he wanted to cancel our date day today so he could have time to himself.

It's like, the more I need him to show up and reassure me that we're ok, he is instead doing the opposite of reassurance. I was actually going to cancel my Iron Kingdoms campaign today so we could have time alone! I guess it doesn't really matter much though - Iron Kingdoms got cancelled for other reasons, and he's been on the phone for work nonstop. He says we can have a regular date night at 6 pm, but instead of being excited to spend time with him, I just feel restless and unhappy.

The work stuff - the overtime and stress - I totally get. DarkKnight goes through that garbage as well. So I totally get needing time to pull back and want some quiet and time minus distractions. However, this need only seems to be requested of ME. Not anyone else. He didn't cancel his time with Monkey, and in fact, left for her house super early on Friday morning to help her with some scheduling issues she was having, while she was out with her son. It's just me that seems like not a priority, and I do not deal well with feeling like I am least important and not loved.

My two love languages are physical touch and quality time, and both are lacking right now. Because of that, I have really started trying to be more cautious and less emotionally fragile around WarMan. My attachment issues are making me feel dejected and I don't want to spend my days in this funk. I DO have worth.

He continues to tell me he loves me, but him making choices that leave me feeling like the least important part of his life is not loving behavior. I think it would be easier if he was allowing me to help - but he doesn't talk to me about anything and so all I can do is react to his surface stuff. If he'd actually treat me like a partner, rather than a distraction, I think I'd do much better. I can't understand the choices he is making if he just does them and then withdraws from me.

I did have fun yesterday afternoon with my daughter. My friend and I took her and 5 other kids to Alexandria, VA to a Sherlock-themed Escape Room there. We didn't solve it, but the kids had fun. They all want to go again, but I can't afford to keep dropping $225 left and right. :) However, I do want to plan a trip to one with all 3 of my guys. I think that would be loads of fun.

I have stuff coming up with PunkRock - he really has been a rock lately - and I am looking forward to visiting an exotic animal sanctuary with him in a couple of weeks. We still haven't made it to Hershey Park yet, but that's looking more like the end of July. I have the tickets already! :) And of course, our camping/beach trip in August.

DarkKnight is as steady as always. I smile whenever I think of him - he's just so snuggly! He brewed beer in the kitchen yesterday, so my house smells yeasty right now, so that isn't the best. Lol

I have to go wash the dye out of my hair right now - I finally had time to color it! After doing that and showering, I'm going to take my daughter out to lunch.
 
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WarMan and I broke up two nights ago, but then we decided to stay together and get counseling. We have agreed that he needs to move out, so the plan for that is he will start looking in September; until then, it's kind of silly to consider moving until his job stuff shakes out. So the counseling will act as a bridge for us between now and then. If he does get a job offer, he will move out sooner to relocate to that location.

Since this fight, I have been making a list of pros and cons and putting together some questions that I have for him. He cried a bit and was dismayed, I think, that I didn't. He said I was more angry than anything, and I told him that was because he was breaking my heart. My tears come later.

I spent a huge swath of time yesterday hanging out with a mutual friend. He knows my entire polycule, and it was good for me to be alone with him and get his input on the situation. How he reads each of my guys was interesting.

He said that he was shocked that WarMan and I have even lasted this long - he said that I am so extroverted and happy, and all he has seen from WarMan is depression and unhappiness. He says that even when they are focused on gaming, WarMan's outlook is generally negative. He says he considers WarMan a great person, a decent guy, but very down on life in general. He says he thinks we have a serious mismatch in how we relate with the world and others. He says that WarMan really needs to work on that about himself, but that I shouldn't make myself responsible for WarMan not taking ownership of his skewed way of relating. That probably WarMan needs to work on his issues before he dates anyone seriously, ever.

He said that PunkRock and I, we are different too, but that PunkRock just hates everybody and is cheerful about that fact. This cheerfulness is what makes us work. Our relationship isn't negatively affected by his assholishness, because PunkRock is just so damn open about it.

This was interesting because last night WarMan was saying to me how he wishes he could be more like PunkRock in how he has things that he is passionate about and gets excited about - hobbies and interests and stuff. WarMan doesn't have anything like that.

Anyway, our friend also said that he likes DarkKnight, though out of the three guys, he knows him less. He said that when you spend time with DarkKnight though, you can't help but like him and want to be his friend. He's a big nerd but just an all-around nice guy. He said it is clear that he's crazy in love with me.

Then he went on to say that when I am with DarkKnight or PunkRock, the attraction between us is apparent, and just so real. He said the love is a visible, tangible thing. He said he has never sensed that or seen that between WarMan and I. WarMan is always just broody and wrapped up in his own negativity - he's not enjoying me, but just sort of wallowing in this cloud of unhappiness.

I can certainly say I have felt this for the last few weeks, at least.

Anyway, he asked me some questions about poly, and how I balance 3 guys and their needs, and he said his wife would never go for it. He said that was ok though, because he doesn't feel like he needs other relationships. He said it was interesting to see how it works for me and my guys, and to see where the issues were. I told him I was glad my life could serve as a warning for others. Lol

Before anyone wonders - this is a good friend and not someone I would be interested in dating! I actually see this guy as more of a kid brother (though he isn't THAT much younger than me) and we have a great back-and-forth bullshitting sort of friendship. I really appreciated him inviting me over and his willingness to give me input.

That said, we actually spent the majority of time gossiping about mutual acquaintances and then having heated discussions about politics and issues facing our nation. We didn't solve all of the country's problems, unfortunately.

So, there are more things I want to write about the fight but I have to shower and then get ready for my class.
 
Bluebird, you sound so much more upbeat in this post—even with mention of a breakup!—than you have in any post about WarMan in a long time. The jokey bit at the end about not solving all the country's problems, especially. I think that perhaps seeing some kind of light at the end of the tunnel (even if you don't know where it spits you out) and getting some outside perspective is doing you good! I'm glad. :)
 
It was really good to get an outside perspective from someone who knows all of us - that is very true. I don't know if I am super upbeat, but I do have some times when I am feeling more optimistic. I do still have a lot of reservations though.

I called this afternoon and made a month's worth of weekly appointments with my therapist. It's interesting because it turns out, he's my regular guy. He apparently has a Master's in couples counseling. 🙂🙂
 
I think long term mormonism would be a big factor here for warman. That religion can really make you self guilt a lot, and really fuck up your perception of self if you don't fit the cookie cutter mold of mormonism. Especially if it divides you from friends and family. Just my two cents from my own mormonism background.

I am so glad you're feeling better, and I am sorry about the break up, but I hope you two are able to work through things in Counselling. :)
 
Warman got a call this morning from his pain doctor about his MRI, and apparently there are some changes and they want to see him immediately. like, this afternoon. This comes on the heels of what happened yesterday afternoon - he was unable to stand and had to take a ton of muscle relaxers and pain medication to be able to get out of his work chair and go to the rest room. He needed a cane to hobble across the hall. We ended up eating in and painting for our date night (which was absolutely fine) but he canceled our sleepover because there was no way he was getting into a bed feeling like that. He is better this morning, so far.

I slept down with PunkRock last night and I cried a bit. When I realized that our sleepover was going to be off the schedule, I was really dismayed. I really need that closeness to feel better about things. He seemed sort of relieved to me that he had an excuse to not sleep with me, and I was anxious about that. I asked him if that were the case and he was really angry with me. He said some not so nice things. He accused me of saying that I thought he was faking his back pain, which I absolutely would never do. I told him if I even thought he was doing that, then we had problems that were unrepairable and we'd be done. He fell asleep in his chair almost immediately after that, so at least things didn't turn into a full fledged fight.

I was really distraught at how bad his pain had increased and when he won't let me help him with it, I just feel powerless. I want to just snuggle up with him and make it better. I told him rather than cancel last night, I'd just switch it on the calendar to tonight instead, which was scheduled for PunkRock. Hopefully the day progresses well and his back will be ok. He's already said he doesn't want me going to the doctor with him, which has me feeling out of sorts. I want to help in some way.

All I know right now is that the doctor said there has been some movement in his spine since his back surgery. Things have definitely gotten worse for him since we started dating and I am glad I was a big nag. He had put off his MRI for over 6 months!
 
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When your posts started becoming more unhappy, I wondered if Warman moving out would help things. It may be just too soon to live together. I know you stated that moving out was not an option and continue the relationship but you seem to have rethought that. I'm glad. I think it may give you all a chance to re-organize the romantic relationship into something that works better.

Now the whole Monkey situation will be difficult no matter where Warman lives. However, it will be less in your face if he does not live with you. I hope he can come to some healthy peace about that relationship. It does seem dangerously co-dependent. Unfortunately, that's not really something you can help him with.

When you read the next part, please know that I do not intend this to mean in any way that you are wrong, broken or need to change. This observation comes from my own life and from reading your posts here. If it doesn't seem true or helpful to you, ignore it as irrelevant internet rambling.

From your posts, you have needs that are fairly upfront and demanding. You need time, attention, sex and so on. If those need aren't met by other people, you tend to spiral down, into denigrating your body, your life, etc. You struggle to meet your needs on your own. Self-soothing is a work in progress for you. (And I have seen you grow immensely better about this here on the forum by the way.)

I know that if I am in pain, the last thing I want is another person in need, wanting me to fill those needs. When I'm in pain, I have limited ability to meet other people's perceived or actual needs. Libido goes away entirely; kink is entirely uninteresting. Sometimes even just snuggling feels too potentially painful to even contemplate. I turn very inward looking. I'm not saying this is always a healthy thing to do but it it is what I tend to do. I have very limited bandwidth to deal with anything emotionally, mentally or physically demanding. I wish it was otherwise and I wasn't such a delicate fucking flower, but I am. Now some of this may be because I'm pretty introverted. Some of it is just how I deal (not always well) with pain.

I wonder if Warman may be experiencing something similar. Back pain is awful. I wonder if he sees you having your needs, that he promised to meet, and he is just unable to, which starts his own shame spiral. And then you react to his reaction, maybe doing some spiraling of your own, and then there is mutually reinforcing spiraling.

That's very concerning about the MRI news. I hope it is something easily managed. I hope the pain goes away soon.
 
I wonder if Warman may be experiencing something similar. Back pain is awful. I wonder if he sees you having your needs, that he promised to meet, and he is just unable to, which starts his own shame spiral. And then you react to his reaction, maybe doing some spiraling of your own, and then there is mutually reinforcing spiraling.

This is ABSOLUTELY it. Whenever he sees me being needy, or sad, or upset, he sees it as a reflection of his own inability to fix me, and starts his "shame spiral" as you called it. We were calling it a feedback loop when we were discussing things a few days ago. The more unhappy I am, the more guilty and inadequate he feels, which causes him to withdraw, which then makes me more unhappy. We can't seem to get out of it.

I had recognized this on my own and had thought in my head that I was willing to be miserable until September, hoping that his job situation would stabilize and we'd be able to get back on track. Right now, with everything, having any care for me is just too much. My anxiety and attachment issues aren't new or something that I hid from him, but that doesn't mean he is capable of giving attention to them when he is stressed out. Now add in this back problem pain and he's just woefully incapable. This triggers his depression, because he feels he is a failure, and yeah, the loop is terrible.

Which is why I am trying really hard to improve. I always have been, but its a slow process. I'm not on any medication for anxiety, because for the most part I cope well. But that's because my partners are excellent at reassuring me when I get wonky. Right now, instead of being able to do that anymore, WarMan is getting angry and it's causing the death of our relationship.

It sucks. Both of us are broken. Unfortunately, our pieces just aren't broken in a way that mesh together. Instead of co-dependent, we're grating on each other. :(

He told me the other day that he thinks it's crappy that my husbands are effectively propping up our relationship. I had to disagree there - for me, that is part of the greatness of poly. Not everyone is capable of dealing with tough times in their lives. When PunkRock was drinking and I discovered it unexpectedly, I was a fucking basket case. Having both WarMan and DarkKnight there to offer advice, calming words and touches made everything much more bearable. If it weren't for them, I may have completely split with PunkRock and not had the strength to deal with his issues. And here we are now, stronger than ever. And when DarkKnight's dad passed away, both PunkRock and I did everything we could to make things ok so he could have a safe space to spiral down in. So the fact that WarMan and I are having issues - my guys are there to help me cope with my anxiety, so when I am with WarMan, he'll see less of it. That is a good thing. I can't make it disappear, but I can cope better, and then WarMan can focus more on himself.

I hope that makes sense!
 
Hi BB,
I'm hoping that this immediacy re. Warman's MRI means that maybe something will be found that can lead to some relief. It's extremely worrying to hear "come in NOW" from your doctor, but I'm hopeful that it leads to a better result than the chronic pain he's dealing with now.

That said, I wanted to just preface this next bit with the fact that I mean this kindly...

I want to just snuggle up with him and make it better.

Sometimes, you can't make it better.

I have dealt with awful pain from two separate situations in my life. The first was gall bladder pain. I distinctly remember that I couldn't handle being touched, period, when I was experiencing the worst of the pain, to the point of vomiting when I *was* touched. Boy, *that* makes the other person feel good. Not. :rolleyes:

More lately, I've been dealing with back pain of my own. While it's muscular and not a disc issue, I had found myself unable to cuddle with Chops at night because I end up sleeping in one position that throws my back out of whack, and I pay for it in the middle of the night and the next day. For a time, I was at my wits' end trying to figure out if I needed to get a new mattress, sleep elsewhere, or what. Luckily, I don't have it as badly as WarMan does, and PT helped quite a bit.

When I'm in pain, it drains my bucket very quickly. I have very little to give someone whose bucket is also getting drained, because I'm at the point where I'm just trying to get through it... there's nothing extra to give. Your question as to whether or not he felt relieved to have an excuse to not sleep with you probably would have put me on the defensive as well. Would I be relieved to not have to sleep in a position that hurts me? Yes. Would I be relieved to cocoon myself off in a detached place so I can wall off the pain? Yes. Would I be relieved to know it hurt the person I loved? No. But can I do anything about it? No. And therein lies the frustration.

He *has* to get his bucket filled in order to just proceed out of the "physical needs" state of Maslow's hierarchy. He cannot go further until his physical pain is taken care of, and right now, it seems as though the doctors are working on it, but that may be a ways away.

You need to get *your* bucket filled as well, but he's unable to do it right now.

Can you find a compromise in there somewhere?

Edited to add: Ah, I just saw your response above. The "shame spiral" makes an awful lot of sense. It sucks when the broken pieces don't mesh that well. :( I truly do feel for you both.
 
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I hope that makes sense!

It makes perfect sense to me. It's like you said, sometimes we're broken in ways that don't work together...sometimes we can work on those pieces to allow them to mesh...sometimes they're just incompatible. Your description of how your relationships work is beautiful and a great example of what a good poly network looks like. It's what I hope to build one day.

((Hugs)) to you and WarMan. I hope he gets relief soon.
 
Thanks for your input guys - it is always welcomed!

Unfortunately, WarMan showed up only to have the doctor have to reschedule him for tomorrow afternoon. Bogus.

He was using a cane again today but carrying his gaming computer by a strap on his hip. I gave him shit for that. Way too heavy.
 
As someone who spent close to a year in excruciating pain.

When you hurt that bad the last thing you want to do is touch anyone, be touched, or etc. I once ended up in hysterical tears just from my and nephew just running through the house. The vibrations of them running across the floor at 3 yrs old hurt so bad I wanted to vomit. I hurt so bad 24/7. I hated the world and everyone in it.

My mother has a neck problem from being rear ended by a drunk driver 20 years ago so bad that they fused and put a plate in her neck. My mother is not the same loving woman I grew up with. She is a hateful bitter woman who I have had to cut out of my life.

I get you have needs but right now Warman needs some compassion. I am sure he would like to meet your needs. But he can't. It is selfish to expect him to cause himself more pain. If his MRI is that bad that they are calling him in NOW, it is very serious. As in you could become paralyzed serious.
 
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