Bluebird
Well-known member
I spent the morning being in a really good mood. My daughter and I had lunch together, and I did the grocery shopping that was needed. I had meant to take a return back to Home Depot, but I had left it at the house. Lucky me, this meant that after grocery shopping I went home to snag it and actually then it had allowed enough time for PunkRock to text me when I arrived there. So when I went to make the return, I also got to stop in with a vanilla milkshake and give PunkRock some kisses. It was hot out and he seemed appreciative of both.
In the afternoon, my daughter, DarkKnight and I went to the YMCA and signed up for a 3 month membership. The lady that was supposed to get us set up with the weight machines decided she didn't have enough time in her schedule to help us, so we spent our time on the treadmills. Unfortunately for me, I hadn't worn sneakers made for walking, so I now have terribly painful blisters on the balls of my feet. So I am kinda peeved about that. I am supposed to go in tomorrow for my 1-on-1 session with the trainer, but I am fairly sure I will be canceling it. Fuck a duck.
This evening was a bit of a bummer. I wasn't feeling like I had any of WarMan's attention at all when I went to talk to him after 5 pm, and when I went to take a shower we had a misunderstanding. After the shower, I was sitting on the couch and I was watching a TV show and the main character was having this incredibly intense make out session. WarMan had come downstairs to sit next to me and I told him that no one had kissed me like that in a long time. I said it playfully, while I was moving over to kiss him. He was annoyed and told me that well, maybe I should find someone else that wasn't a crummy person who would make out like I wanted. I shrunk back, and told him I had just wanted a kiss. Then - I shit you not - he told me that I shouldn't have called him a crummy boyfriend! I was seriously flabbergasted and made him repeat himself. Of course I pointed out immediately that I had said NOTHING like that, and he had said it!
He looked at ME like I was crazy and told me he couldn't really remember who said what, but that it was not a good feeling to always hear how he isn't measuring up.
At that point, DarkKnight popped in and said it was dinner time, and I was so upset and hurt that I told WarMan that I had no idea why I even bothered sometime. Then I got up and left the room to eat. When I came back, he hadn't moved, and when I asked him about eating he just said since I had stomped off, he didn't feel like he would be comfortable at the table.
Later my two hubbies and him watched Red State (WarMan's suggestion) with me and then we all went to bed. I cried for a while after WarMan started snoring in his chair. I don't do well in bed alone on good nights, and I felt pretty abandoned by everyone. I ended up masturbating, because I was really needing some sort of physical positive feelings, but as always, it didn't leave me refreshed or happy. WarMan had tried to lay down next to me but he was in a lot of pain due to his bad back and he couldn't stop groaning and moving around, so that wasn't conducive to anything. I hadn't expected he'd be in a sexual mood - but I was hurt when I asked him if he could at least finger me and he said no. He has always said to me he'd always be up to at least help me out, but apparently he wasn't tonight. He did tell me he wouldn't mind if I went downstairs or down the hall to get relief from one of my husbands, but instead of sounding understanding, to me it just sounded like he didn't care about me.
I am trying - oh how I am trying - I am trying really hard to believe that he loves me still and that his back really was just hurting something terrible tonight. When I am laying here feeling alone though, it's really difficult to let that positive narrative be loud enough to matter.
In the afternoon, my daughter, DarkKnight and I went to the YMCA and signed up for a 3 month membership. The lady that was supposed to get us set up with the weight machines decided she didn't have enough time in her schedule to help us, so we spent our time on the treadmills. Unfortunately for me, I hadn't worn sneakers made for walking, so I now have terribly painful blisters on the balls of my feet. So I am kinda peeved about that. I am supposed to go in tomorrow for my 1-on-1 session with the trainer, but I am fairly sure I will be canceling it. Fuck a duck.
This evening was a bit of a bummer. I wasn't feeling like I had any of WarMan's attention at all when I went to talk to him after 5 pm, and when I went to take a shower we had a misunderstanding. After the shower, I was sitting on the couch and I was watching a TV show and the main character was having this incredibly intense make out session. WarMan had come downstairs to sit next to me and I told him that no one had kissed me like that in a long time. I said it playfully, while I was moving over to kiss him. He was annoyed and told me that well, maybe I should find someone else that wasn't a crummy person who would make out like I wanted. I shrunk back, and told him I had just wanted a kiss. Then - I shit you not - he told me that I shouldn't have called him a crummy boyfriend! I was seriously flabbergasted and made him repeat himself. Of course I pointed out immediately that I had said NOTHING like that, and he had said it!
He looked at ME like I was crazy and told me he couldn't really remember who said what, but that it was not a good feeling to always hear how he isn't measuring up.
At that point, DarkKnight popped in and said it was dinner time, and I was so upset and hurt that I told WarMan that I had no idea why I even bothered sometime. Then I got up and left the room to eat. When I came back, he hadn't moved, and when I asked him about eating he just said since I had stomped off, he didn't feel like he would be comfortable at the table.
Later my two hubbies and him watched Red State (WarMan's suggestion) with me and then we all went to bed. I cried for a while after WarMan started snoring in his chair. I don't do well in bed alone on good nights, and I felt pretty abandoned by everyone. I ended up masturbating, because I was really needing some sort of physical positive feelings, but as always, it didn't leave me refreshed or happy. WarMan had tried to lay down next to me but he was in a lot of pain due to his bad back and he couldn't stop groaning and moving around, so that wasn't conducive to anything. I hadn't expected he'd be in a sexual mood - but I was hurt when I asked him if he could at least finger me and he said no. He has always said to me he'd always be up to at least help me out, but apparently he wasn't tonight. He did tell me he wouldn't mind if I went downstairs or down the hall to get relief from one of my husbands, but instead of sounding understanding, to me it just sounded like he didn't care about me.
I am trying - oh how I am trying - I am trying really hard to believe that he loves me still and that his back really was just hurting something terrible tonight. When I am laying here feeling alone though, it's really difficult to let that positive narrative be loud enough to matter.
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