Next chapter

Oh, I should add I felt a little nervous and insecure in the first part of the date, since it was my first meeting with a new guy since losing my hair! I mean, people tell me I look great this way, but still... it wasn't my choice to be mostly bald, it was forced on me. I am not entirely thrilled with it, one is so used to having hair! But I took my hat off before sex, and Nature didn't say anything one way or the other. So, I got that hurdle out of the way.
 
I have sex-with-new-boy envy.

That is all.

Carry on :D
 
Yay, nature! Boo, phone!
(But yay, Nature! :D )
 
Yay for rocking the no hair look! And being your awesome confident self. :)
 
Thanks for being my cheerleaders!

Yeah, the date with Nature went well. He definitely just wants to be FWBs, and he is far away. He said he will be up this way next week. His parents live in a neighboring town. He grew up there. They are moving to Florida, and he is going to help them pack their moving van. He seemed about to offer to visit me again, but then he remembered my next chemo session is next Monday. So I won't be up for much.

So yesterday also went as planned. I felt good, practically normal. Pixi and I went to the phone store. She had even found one closer to us, in a regular strip mall, not a big shopping mall. So no long walks inside a mall were necessary.

We spent over an hour there going over my options and I chose a phone.
The clerk was very helpful and explained everything well. We even got a good discount on my new phone. Pixi began setting it up for me when we got home, with my contacts, so I could take it on my date, which was imminent.

Ach, now I have to think of another nickname! ... ... ... Can't do it yet. So, I'll keep saying the 50something guy for now.

He had told me if he got to the pub before me, he'd buy me a drink, what did I want? I said an IPA. So I made sure to get to the restaurant 5 mins late so my drink would be on the table! And it was. :eek: He was at a tall table in the bar, and asked if I was OK there or should we go get a booth? I requested moving to a booth.

He was another very nice guy! OK, he's nearly 60 but looked much younger. Articulate, progressive, well spoken, not model handsome but nice looking, cute sculpted beard, with tons of experience in the art field as an illustrator and graphic designer, as well as having worked in education. Now he's combined both doing communications for a school.

He seemed very sincere, open and honest. He was drinking too, 7 and 7. We each had 2 drinks in the course of the date. He also ordered us a couple appetisers to share.

He told me about himself, and vice versa, the usual getting to know you first date stuff. Finally after we'd covered some ground with the basics, we chatted of various things, art, kids, politics, and my former jobs. It was all very interesting and nice. I rarely date men my age, because they can tend to be old fashioned and boring, but he was anything but boring!

So after 2 1/2 hours we decided we should each be getting home. We hadn't discussed sex much... I was wondering if I'd get a kiss at my car. Well, I did! Not a big makeout kiss, several small experimental kisses as he grasped my arms.

So I guess I will be seeing him as well, maybe in a couple weeks when my chemo effects lessen. Something to look forward to.

When I got home I made sure to text Steve, since we had been out of touch when my phone died. He didn't have much to say other than that he missed me. I think he's very bored in Ohio! I'm sure he will be glad to be back to Mass soon.
 
Oh I also told 50something about my current health problems. Got that out of the way. It's funny, everyone has health problems, really. No one is perfect. Whether it's physical issues with this or that body part, or mental illness either well or poorly managed, no one is perfect. I guess one wants to come across as perfect, healthy, ready for anything, a hike up a mountain, wild sex for hours, sky diving, lol. But even young people can have health problems that can prevent being up for anything and everything.

I am glad though, that my chemo will be done in a couple months. After this next session, I will be half done!

Then I will start to recover and regain strength and energy... and my libido. I enjoyed the sex with Nature, but we only did it for an hour. He could've gone another half hour, it seems. I had to apologise for being worn out!

Of course, once I get over the chemo, I will still have this bad back to deal with... oh well! What can you do? I hope I will then be able to strengthen my back by joining a gym and doing water exercise.
 
As someone who is bananas for a fellow closer to 60 than not, who sounds quite a bit like your 50-something right down to the bit of well trimmed facial hair and graphic design background... Gotta say, I love how humans just plain come in so many kinds, and you never know what you are going to find. I have known young people who embraced an "old fashioned and boring" lifestyle, and I have known older people that I cannot keep up with, who are more interesting, dynamic, openminded or free spirited than I could ever imagine.

It's hard for me to explain why I like older people aside from what I say about having older caregivers as a kid, which is a legit enough reason... But there is just something about a person who really knows themselves and has had a lifetime to become comfortable in their own skin. It's not something that every older person attains, but when I see it, it's usually an older person who has the trait. ("Older" relative to me, someone at least close to 50 if not older, late 40s to 60s to my 37.) I just see people my own age going through a lot of growing pains still and I would like to skip ahead through those phases with my partners...I've felt like Zen knows himself really well, and now he's ready, willing, and able to get to know ME. A lack of self centeredness is there. It's lovely.

I have a mostly theoretical appreciation for older women, too. (I rarely have a female lover, but there have been a few...but I get little crushes and infatuations with women all the time.) There is this lady astrologer I like, not just because she can be kind of uncanny in her woo woo readings and such, but I love to look at her. She is just a beautiful human. Her name is Cal Garrison. If I had to guess she is at least in her 60s if not older.

Anyhow. I hear about people giving those who are older than what they usually prefer a shot, and it makes me smile. There is treasure there, in my opinion, that's all. :) I hope that both new interests continue to be fun, and wish you strength in getting through the ongoing treatments.
 
I hear what you are saying about older people being more self aware and confident, Spork. That is sometimes the case with women I know... I think big changes happen after 40. You get over your childhood patterns, you accept your faults, you tend to like yourself more. I see Pixi, on the cusp of 40, having grown so much in the almost 8 years we've been together.

Artist, the 50something woman I dated a year or so ago, though, was not in this place enough. She was only just out of a 30 year emotionally abusive marriage, and while I knew her, was dating 2 inappropriate men who took advantage of her extreme passivity. I had to bail, even though I liked her a lot and we had art and gardening and a love of vintage in common, and she was super gorgeous and sexy.

Ginger, who was 2 years older than me, seemed self aware, but he turned out to be a Don Juan Narcissist, and idealised and then devalued me. Also not good. Terrible in fact.

I had my 3rd chemo yesterday. Wouldn't it just snow in the night? And I had to be to the dr in Worcester at 8:15. A half hour drive on a good day. And such an early appointment put me in the heart of rush hour. Pixi offered to come along to drive me. There are hills in Worcester and I had no idea how it would be getting from my surgeon's office (for my checkup) and then driving the hills to the hospital's other campus for the chemo.

Well it turned out I could have handled it. The drive from my town to Worcester was pretty messy. We were both so sleepy though, we missed a turn and it added 15 minutes to our trip. Then we did see a car completely on its roof in a ditch on an exit ramp! But the actual road was OK, the snow had turned to rain and it was just very wet and puddly.

After my checkup, the precip had stopped so the hills were fairly dry and OK. The sun even came out around 2:00.

So, first I get Benadryl, then a steroid, put into my IV. It take about a half hour to do each one of those. The Benadryl made me sleepy and after the nurse got the first actual chemo medicine into me, we both took a 2 hour nap! It really helped kill the time. The nurse changed my IV to the 2nd med while I was asleep with the needle in my arm. heh

The steroid makes me hyper, and I'd also had the nice nap, so after I dropped Pixi home, I ran to Savers and the grocery store. Then I still felt good. We ate leftover Chinese food and watched DVRed Walking Dead. Spoilerish: all season has been so upsetting and grief stricken, but the main group is finally getting its shit together to start planning how to fight its latest foe. So it was heartwarming.

Then I actually felt up to a walk around the block with the dog. I felt a little clumsy so I held onto Pixi's arm. The wet roads had turned a bit icy. We had fun though, the moon was huge and full, a lot of the neighbors had put up lights I hadn't seen yet, and when we walked on the snow it made a really neat crunching sound.

We put up our Xmas lights, and the vintage blow molds we collected all year, out very early, day after Thanksgiving, since Son was here to help. Our across the street neighbors put their blow molds and lights up on Saturday so now we have similar retro displays! I love it.

Then we watched Talking Dead and Norman Reedus was one of the guests. Be still my heart! I got sleepy towards the end, and I went to bed. Steroid was still in effect though. I woke at 2AM and have been up since! I am just trying to enjoy the lift it gives me, because I bet by the end of the day the extreme tiredness and weakness will begin to kick in.
 
Hey! So that's what that thing is, a blow mold. OK. My Mom gave me something only known as "The Christmas Mouse." She says it's from when she was a kid, she's got no idea when exactly it was bought or who bought it or where it came from, but it's just been around as long as she can remember.

It looks like this one (I searched Google for similar stuff, the pic below was on somebody's Pinterest) only mine has striped pajamas:

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/fc/b9/04/fcb904562d6b6bb2cc07d32cc1d12853.jpg

The ones I found on Ebay weren't selling for much, so like most of my old family stuff it is more sentimental than materially valuable. I actually like that, it removes the temptation to part with things in times of economic trouble...and gives us something neat and old to hang on to, and connect with out family history a bit. I've got an old steamer trunk full of odds and ends that my ancestors left behind...wallets, political pins, a random old spoon...hey, I like that stuff. There is even a doll that my Great Grandma made to look like me as a baby, she sculpted and molded porcelain dolls and this one she used a photo of me as a model. Of course, I don't remember her, she passed when I was very small, but it's neat that I have that sort of thing, don't you think?

I love sentimental vintage whatnots. Things with stories. They're the best.

I'd love to see pictures of your decorations, if you feel up to taking any or would be willing to do that sometime. Just saying. :)
 
Too many men and too sick to date!

Steve is back from Ohio and wants to see me. I miss him too. He told me the best Christmas present would be my presence. But he doesn't have a car, and he's still not recovered fully from his own chemo, so I doubt he'd want to drive here if he did have a car. He's an hour away right now in temporary housing til he finds an apartment.

The older art teacher guy I had a first date with a couple weeks ago wants to come visit this week. We haven't set a day yet.

2 young guys from OKC started chatting me... one is kinky and funny and endearing and full of enthusiasm (also cute, and from his FL pix, well equipped!). The other looks like a Botticelli angel and is so intelligent, and a poet.

It's been 2 weeks since my last chemo and I got sicker and more wiped out this time. I thought I'd be feeling better this week than I am.

Gah!
 
So... yeah. Christmas is done! I enjoyed the whole month leading up to it, listening to swing-style and baroque Christmas music, decorating with all my vintage crap, etc. The actual Christmas Eve and Day were fun but tiring.

Xmas Eve my friend K came by late morning to help me make peanut butter cookies with Hershey Kisses on top. That's my favorite kind of cookie to bake, but I wasn't feeling up to it. So I was glad she offered to come by. She did most of the work. She's not much of a cook so she was kinda happy with the results.

She left around 1:30 to go see some friends in NH for a children's Nativity play at their (welcoming) church, and dinner. She came back here late to spend the night and Xmas Day with us.

My ex h and his gf dropped off my Son in the early evening. We had a pleasant visit, it's always nice to chat with them. They all had a cup of Baileys, and brought a bottle of red wine as a gift. They stayed about an hour and a half.

Pixi and Son then made dinner. I would've liked to have had it around the table, but there was a bunch of stuff piled on it, and I was too tired to do it, and they didn't offer, so we just went to the media room and watched a movie. Dinner was great, pork chops with mushroom sauce.

I went to bed pretty early. Having all these people in and out tired me. Not to mention the dogs. Our dog, K's 2 dogs (we kept them when she went out for dinner), and my ex's huge Newfoundland mix dog! We all barely fit in my little living room. K got back after I was already asleep.

Xmas morning I was up early, and K got up soon after. We chatted, she told me how her night went. She normally hates Xmas because of bad family memories (she has no contact with most of them since she came out as transgender). But she is getting over it! Just the fact she came here to do something as Xmassy as baking cookies, and went to a Nativity play (she's pagan), big improvements. Oh, also, her friends gave her a cute Xmas tree brooch, it looked vintage. I said I had one too, from my grandmother, and if she wore hers later that night, I would wear mine too.

So we chatted for a couple hours and then she took her dogs and went home to shower and nap and change clothes. She came back late afternoon to join us for our evening plans.

Pixi and Son got up around 11 and we opened presents. :) Then I took my usual afternoon nap.

The evening plan was to do our traditional thing, movie in the theater, which was to be Rogue One, and then Chinese restaurant for dinner. I had told Pixi I didn't think I was up to all that this year, but she found a theater that has a restaurant attached, and serves food (pub food) right at your seat. So I thought I could handle that. However, when I got up from my nap I felt all weak and out of it. I knew the stimulation of the crowds would be too much for me. So I asked Pixi to cancel my ticket, and went back to bed to languish.

They were sad I wasn't up to the excursion, but went. I kept feeling sick, but finally took a range of meds for my symptoms and started feeling some better. I was reading a good book when they came back much too early! Turns out when Pixi ordered the tickets on Xmas Eve, she mistakenly ordered them for that night, not for Dec 25! So they got 4 rain checks so we can all go to a movie some other time. LOL. They went to TGIFridays for dinner and had a good enough time. Good thing I didn't go!

Yesterday, Boxing Day, I put Pixi and Son to work. We were out of dog food and her biscuits, we had a lot of returnable bottles to go back (usually my job so they had stacked up, mostly Pixi's Poland Spring sparkling water that she likes), and the dog needed a run, and we needed a few groceries.

So in the afternoon they went off to do that, and I had a lovely nap. I have been sleeping well lately. But when I got up I was nauseated! Now? 2 weeks after my chemo? Bummer. We started watching a very enjoyable movie. We actually sprung for a rental of a newer movie since we'd missed out on Rogue One. We chose Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. It's a Tim Burton film and I love his style, always. After watching 15 mins or so, we paused and Pixi got dinner in the oven, and I took meds. By the time dinner was ready, I felt OK enough to eat a little. The movie was very good.

So that brings me up to today. I wonder if "50something" will message me about getting together... He's not as chatty in text as I expected, but I know he's very busy since his school just moved location, and then the holidays were upon us. We will see. I'm not feeling all that motivated to date anyone anyway, as I said in the previous post.
 
I never did hear more from 50something. And both young guys on okc stopped talking too. Normally I'd message people when they drop the ball, but in my condition, if they aren't motivated enough to keep the ball in the air, I'm not gonna do it.

I recall 50something was fairly new to poly. He has a gf of 4 years. He told me she has depression and no sex drive. He says she feels inadequate for her lack of libido, even though he assures her it doesn't matter and he can masturbate (or find another person for sex). I am wondering if some shit went down between them after our date. Maybe he told her it went well and she freaked out. I don't want to be involved with him if this is so, but otoh I am mildly curious what happened to him.

But in better news, I finally saw Steve yesterday. :) Pixi had gone to her bf's for 2 nights, Saturday and Sunday night. (Yes, that means I was home alone for New Years, but I didnt mind a bit. It's not my favorite holiday. After all the bustle of Xmas I am done partying. I loved my alone time.) She got home Monday (yesterday) around 11am. We talked a little, then I left for Steve's place.

Pixi and I miss each other. What with Xmas and family and friends visiting, and then a plumbing issue, a toilet overflowing on Dec 27, and the ensuing plumbers and carpet cleaners and landlord and landlady in and out, we've had quite the home invasion! We need some catch up time.

But I had a very nice time with Steve nonetheless! It was easier to get to his new place than his old place, a straighter shot on highways than navigating little streets in Boston. So, a nice calming forty minute no-brainer of a drive.

I was there for four hours and the time just flew. We started off just talking and catching up for at least an hour. Then he wanted to play the newest song he wrote. I swear, this guy is such a talented singer songwriter! He could be the next Ed Sheeran. Beautiful insightful lyrics, deep and yet catchy. And he has such a pretty tenor voice. Damn. I insisted he perform another song for me as well, even though he seemed kinda shy about it. He mostly keeps his talent to himself so far, but I hope he ends up sharing it publically someday, at least on youtube! I'm sure he'd have lots of fans.

After that it was finally time to cuddle and have kinky sex. Which was great. Best sex he and I had had yet, imo. He was well aware of my tiredness and vulnerabilities... he pleased me but didn't wear me out. Pleased me very well, and I was able to be giving to him too. Mmm, it was very very good. I can't help but think about the other times we had sex/kink, and the sex with Nature, and think, no, this sex was the best sex I've had with a guy since my threesome with Punk and Arjun.

So glad Steve is back. I hope to see him again as soon as I am able. That will be a couple weeks. My next chemo session is today! #4 out of 6, here I come.
 
Had my chemo yesterday and so far i feel pretty good. Stomach was a little upset, but I took my anti nausea meds and they are working ok so far.

While Pixi was gone for NYE, I had time to sit and watch Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper on CNN. Normally I forget to watch them and catch some of Dick Clark/Ryan Seacrest instead. Silly Mags. I really prefer Kathy and Anderson's snarky women/straight (gay) man routine. I set it to record starting at 8, and then took a nap in late afternoon so I could stay up late.

Last night I was finally alone with Pixi and so we sat and watched the show again. She was hesitant, since she's sometimes uncomfortable with Kathy's snarking about other celebrities. But she was drawn in and ended up enjoying it very much! We both have minor crushes on Cooper, and Kathy makes him giggle so adorably. We also FFed through much of the other teams they would cut to as some of them were boring.

So when the ball dropped, even though we were 3 days late, we kissed and kissed and kissed. :)

It was great to reconnect since we were both thinking about our bfs a lot the last couple days. Pixi because she had a rare 2 night date, and me because Steve had been gone for about 3 months and doing the LDR texting thing was less than satisfying. Reconnecting with him was so reassuring, fun and hot!

So Pixi and I needed to reconnect too, after not just her 2 night date, but also after all the company we had over the holidays. Some fun Xmas stuff, and some not so fun plumbing crisis. I am glad I was up to it. I even had 2 glasses of wine, so it really felt New Years Eve-ish.
 
Had my chemo yesterday and so far i feel pretty good. Stomach was a little upset, but I took my anti nausea meds and they are working ok so far.

While Pixi was gone for NYE, I had time to sit and watch Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper on CNN. Normally I forget to watch them and catch some of Dick Clark/Ryan Seacrest instead. Silly Mags. I really prefer Kathy and Anderson's snarky women/straight (gay) man routine. I set it to record starting at 8, and then took a nap in late afternoon so I could stay up late.

Last night I was finally alone with Pixi and so we sat and watched the show again. She was hesitant, since she's sometimes uncomfortable with Kathy's snarking about other celebrities. But she was drawn in and ended up enjoying it very much! We both have minor crushes on Cooper, and Kathy makes him giggle so adorably. We also FFed through much of the other teams they would cut to as some of them were boring.

So when the ball dropped, even though we were 3 days late, we kissed and kissed and kissed. :)

It was great to reconnect since we were both thinking about our bfs a lot the last couple days. Pixi because she had a rare 2 night date, and me because Steve had been gone for about 3 months and doing the LDR texting thing was less than satisfying. Reconnecting with him was so reassuring, fun and hot!

So Pixi and I needed to reconnect too, after not just her 2 night date, but also after all the company we had over the holidays. Some fun Xmas stuff, and some not so fun plumbing crisis. I am glad I was up to it. I even had 2 glasses of wine, so it really felt New Years Eve-ish.

I love this whole idea of celebrating it together, just later! :D
 
I love this whole idea of celebrating it together, just later! :D

Yeah, it ended up being quite a fun event. :eek:

I am still thinking about my date with Steve and feeling all warm inside and smiley when I do. We've had such a stop-start relationship. 4 dates in 2009, then a long break of just occasional online chat, as he "grew up" and expanded his interests (he was only 27 when we met, now he's 34). Then 4 dates this past fall, then almost 3 months apart, just texting, and now finally, he is back for good and I feel we are finally getting to really know each other.

He is really very nice. Definitely a sapiosexual man, in case Spork was wondering. And oh boy does he love to give head. A man can't give head to a porn actress on his computer screen. lol. I can't blow a guy on a computer screen for that matter! I guess some men don't want to really actually feel or taste a woman, squish her, lick her, kiss her, suck her tits, pull on her hair, spank her (if you're into that), finger her til she gushes like a geyser, hear her breath and moans right in their ear. Maybe too many men and boys these days make do with an image on a screen. I really feel sorry for them. Fucking and sucking are great. Better than just using one's hand on one's lonely dick to some 2D image! And then you get to snuggle and cuddle under the covers and talk and share your deepest thoughts... some men (Steve for one), like that too!
 
Ok...now I'm horny! lol Thanks. :)
 
Ok...now I'm horny! lol Thanks. :)

I was just so weirded out by Spork insisting that all men prefer porn to actual sex with an actual real human being! She feels she can't be "all the things" that the infinite porn can. But good grief, porn isn't real. It's a fucking video. It's you, in a room, alone, looking at 2D moving pictures and masturbating. So what if it's some wild kinky sex you're looking at? It's odd because Spork IS kinky, and yet she imagines all men prefer looking at 2D porn kink to actually DOING it.

I know she was scarred by 18 years with an abusive narcissist... But one man isn't all men. I dated a narcissist for 2 years. He did not make me think all men were like him. I guess Spork was young and naive when she met her ex husband, so imprinted somehow that all men were like him. She bought into his idea, hook, line and sinker, that porn sex was superior to anything she could offer, and that she wasn't as pretty as a typical porn pro. That is just ridiculous emotional abuse.

My ex h had his issues to be sure, but he loved and desired me when I was a young skinny 19 year old, and even when our love faded, he still madly desired me after 2 decades, 3 kids and weight gain. (psst... he gained weight too.) When we split we were still having sex one to five times a day. Seriously!

Since we separated when I was 54, I have found lots and lots of men (and 3 women) who find me beautiful and desirable also, despite my age and my non-model figure. I shouldn't say "despite." My maturity and curvy figure are part of my charm. Right now, my partners are 39 and 34... they appreciate me for who I am, inside and out.

Remember, us women do not need to be perfect looking! Don't compare yourself to models in mainstream media or in porn. Fantasy is just fantasy. It's all just shit to make you spend your money on porn and diets and beauty products, chasing some impossible ideal. No man that actually prefers fantasy and jerking off to real life sex is worth another moment of our thoughts. They are losers, imo.

Remember, confidence is the sexiest thing there is. An average looking person full of personality, charisma, warmth and self-confidence will charm the pants off of many. (Bill Clinton for example...) (Angelina and Brad, arguably the prettiest couple in the world, just broke up! Model good looks are no guarantee of great sex or great love.)
 
I know it's weird. It's hard for me to try and spell out why I've got such a discomfort. I try though.

That's just the thing, I know I would probably find you extremely sexy. And I am certain that your partners do.

I just have a hard time with an individual who would point to a computer full of porn and say, "This is my sexuality, it's how I am wired" and somehow supposedly want a real human. The phrase, "men are visual" bothers me. Like, sure ok you've got a lifetime of achievements and a whole story, nice, whatever...but liking what they see with their eyes, now THAT is what matters.

Why bother being real? And our culture is full of stories...the whole Westworld thing...what a glorious fantasy, convincing and sexy but not human robots, that a man might do anything he wanted to. Brutalize them, who cares! They aren't people. There is a part of me deep down that is wounded and saying, "you would like that, wouldn't you?" to the men of the world. Do they really harbor such a desire to cause hurt and harm? A wish to express sexuality upon an object, or a wish to dehumanize a woman until she IS one...and he need not concern himself with morals then, or compassion. It's all tied together in my mind. With the core concept being that men don't value women (me) as PEOPLE in the way that I value people as people.

There are these narratives, that are popular, that people...at least enough to fuel interest in such stories...enjoy contemplating. So they exist, they are there, and it's...it's a thing. I can't pretend it isn't.

And then there is, pushing hard back again at those frightening and threatening concepts, there is my every memory of Zen's eyes looking into mine, his laugh, his hands on me, his mouth on me, his body squished against and into mine. He does like porn, and he does like hurting me, but I do not for one moment feel dehumanized or objectified by him.

And again, this is probably why I find it safe to crack open my discomforts and try to figure out what in the hell is going on there, why, and how to battle it and hopefully lay it to rest, with his help. I don't like feeling so diminished and threatened by anything, and I don't like feeling so negative about anything sexual, whether it's part of my own sexuality or being judgmental about that of others.

Oh, and yes, it has a lot to do with being age 18-36, growing up and living so much, with someone like my ex. And he did love me in ways more complex than just defined by his sexuality, but I was only ever a cardboard cutout defined by his needs. His need for a surrogate mother is a big part of that, too. And I think there is more to it, too, that I won't get into here. It's complicated me stuff. Interestingly, my ex is hurt by the fact that I am NOT so shallow in my attractions and sexuality! He wanted to be wanted in a "you are hot and I wanna bang you" way, and keeps expressing confusion along the lines of why and how I didn't leave him for a "hotter" man. The only thing that makes sense to him is that I'd "trade him in for a younger, hotter model." I don't work that way. I've never worked that way.
 
Last night I had another date with Steve. Oh, every date is better than the one before. I find him so intelligent and thought provoking. He is easy to talk to. He's philosophical. He's musical. He is sincere and honest and questing. He appreciates the beauty of vintage things. He reads biographies and historical books. He is just as depressed and scared of Trump as any sane person should be. And dammit, the sex just keeps getting better. He is so good at "foreplay" and kink, and last night he fucked my brains out. OMG.

I even got properly spanked. He seemed surprised when I told him I'd like to be spanked. I know I've mentioned it before, but the beginning of our 2nd try at relationship was such a whirlwind. It didn't seem to stick in his mind. But as soon as I re-mentioned it last night, he was all over the idea. He has another gf (5 year relationship, but he calls her his friend), a young woman with problems, it sounds like. (She hasn't even managed to visit him since he's been back!) But she loves spanking, and so he's had lots of practice. He's never tried a flogger, and seemed open to the idea I bring one next time. :) Not that I don't like good old fashioned bare handed. Whew, so hot.

Reconnecting after so many years. His cancer, my cancer, him losing his apartment and needing to move away for 3 months. I am just very excited to have the opportunity for a relationship with this man, now that he is getting settled again.

He hasn't had many deep relationships. The poor guy had a terrible childhood. His mom died from drugs when he was 11. His dad, who wasn't a bad dad, held down a job, was a songwriter, functioning, had a secret addiction to oxycontin. He died suddenly when Steve was 16. Then Steve spent time in foster care, and ended up in the care of his elderly very Catholic grandparents. He spent time in a homeless shelter as a young adult. What a terrible adolescence! He is now working to repair the damage and keep building a healthy life. I so admire people that work to rise above trauma and not let it bury them.

So this was my last time having to visit him in his hotel. This weekend he and his buddy are moving into an apartment. Next time I see him he will be all settled in his space, with his 2 cats and all. :)

I admit I don't love driving to see him, but on the other hand, it's been a while since I've had a bf who was willing to host me. It makes things less complicated in a way. At my place, well, of course I have my partner Pixi usually home. Not a big deal, but it can be a distraction. The worse distraction is our darn barky dog. She can really dampen a date with her noise and need to be let out, fed, petted, reassured this guy is not a threat. If Pixi is not home to take her downstairs to the family room, she has been known to lie outside the bedroom door when I am trying to get laid, and whine and grump.

So... yeah. A super fun date. Steve has told me he loves and adores me. He seems determined to treat me well. It seems he treasures me quite a bit.

I feel a bit more... reserved. I do like him a lot. I guess, I am holding back because of my experience letting Ginger and Punk into my heart, only to be hurt in one way or another by both. I'd like a relationship that develops with true sincerity and caring this time! I really would.

When Steve says I love you, my damaged psyche is suspicious. Is he a narcissist like Ginger? Is this the idealisation, love bombing stage?

I'd prefer to think Steve is sincere and this is normal good stuff and NRE! There's no way to find out except to do it. I don't feel narcissist red flags coming from him though. I hope it's just my own paranoia/hangups.

My previous chemo treatment was on the 3rd. On the 12th, the worst of the side effect symptoms receded. So I had energy for my date, and despite the extreme vigor of the sex, plus the driving, I feel fine today. Enjoying my NRE too!
 
I'm so glad things are going well for you and Pixi and Steve! Can you feel compersion for someone you don't really know IRL? Because I feel like I'm compersioning all over the place lol Even your chemo sounds like it's going okay, as much as chemo ever does.

Thanks for posting these stories. I think about the people I've gotten to know on here a lot, and I appreciate being able to catch up when I can.
 
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