Finally, there is clarity? Then and now with OnceAndFuture

The Signal has asked me, since I first said I wasn't ready to be in another relationship, how I would know when I was ready. It's a good question. After my divorce, I thought I would be ready right away but I wasn't. Then about nine months afterwards, I met a charming lady at work who loved to come around to my office to talk about everything and nothing, and I felt myself wanting a further relationship with her. It was only then that I felt comfortable enough with saying I was ready. (I went on one date with the charming lady, where she told me all about her boyfriend. If only I'd known more about polyamory then.)

I should have realized now that I would be ready through experience rather than some kind of mental breakthrough. After all our mind doesn't really work that way--we react to experiences, we process those experiences, and we change our minds based on our thought processes. At some level I realized this. I had said to The Signal that maybe even if I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, I might meet someone, and I would want to get to know that person more, and then I'd decide that I was ready.

And I guess I'm saying this because that has already happened to me. I was just too determined to say I wasn't ready to see it.

All this time now when I've been saying that I wasn't ready for a third-party relationship, I've been corresponding with a beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful woman who I had very strong feelings for. And all the while I'd been denying those feelings, even as her feelings towards me evolved. Even The Signal knew intuitively what was going on, and, despite her fears, encouraged me to go on. But I was afraid of hurting her and myself and the other woman. I tried to squeeze my feelings into a box marked "friendship" while still saying out loud that I wasn't ready for a relationship. And the beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful woman rightly called me out on that.

So, I've now likely lost that relationship. We have, in life, so few chances at emotional connections. We don't open our hearts to just anyone because we're scared. Someone offered to do that for me, and I made a right mess of it.

WhatHappened, you are right, you are right, you are right. I should not formulate rules and boundaries and regulations that will hurt a theoretical new relationship. Especially when, my word, there was nothing actually theoretical about it. I've learned a lesson but at a serious cost, to her and to me. The Signal and I have some thinking to do now about where our boundaries should stand, but I realize that again I'm preparing for the last thing that happened.

I'm sorry. All I can do now is to be more honest about myself in the future. However far away that may be.
 
When I was a teenager I used to collect coins. As I started getting interested in living in the UK, I started collecting coins from Victorian England. One day at the mall (this was back in the day when the mall was pretty much the only place to hang out), there was a "sidewalk sale" run by local merchants, and a coin shop had a few things for sale. I bought an 1861 shilling for $1. The reason it was so cheap, I found when I got home, was that there was a small hole in it. I decided to take it out of its card and I bought a cheap chain, and started wearing it as a necklace.

My Victoria necklace and I went through life together, through college, depression, a first girlfriend, a first marriage, fulfilling my dream of living in England and my nightmare of having to leave, life bouncing around the US for a while, and then meeting and marrying The Signal. One day The Star took my necklace off for me and asked me about its story. After I told her about it, she kissed the coin before she put it down on the nightstand.

A couple of weeks later The Star had a present for me--a cord with a star pendant. It matched her nickname and how I felt about her, and I wanted to start wearing it. "But," I said, "I can't wear two necklaces." And with that I took the coin necklace from my neck and placed it around hers. Then I put the star necklace around mine. Tears dripped from our eyes as we held each other.

The Star kept my necklace after we split up. And The Signal and I decided to dispose of the symbols of our poly relationship, so the star necklace disappeared somewhere on the road between Virginia and here. Since then I haven't had a necklace and haven't really thought about wearing one.

Signs and symbols are very important to The Signal. Although on one hand she is very logical (and my name for her here actually reflects that), at the same time she takes omens quite seriously. If something bad happens to her the first time she tries something, this is often a "sign" to her that she should not do it again. Seeing a symbol when we're out somewhere can change her mood depending on what that symbol means to her.

This last month, with my decision to identify as poly, has been very hard for The Signal. Although it wasn't totally a surprise to her, it's been difficult for her to come to terms with it. We've fought a lot. But especially over the last week things have calmed. She has started to recognize that although her herself might never be wired to be polyamorous, that not only I am but also that this admission has changed me. She says that I am a different person now--calmer, somehow a little more careful with my words and actions, less quick to be upset about things. Also a lot less inhibited, both in obvious and less-obvious ways. She said when we woke up this morning, "I am starting to like this new person."

She wanted to demonstrate that she was starting to accept who I was. With who she is and who I am, she wanted to give me a tangible symbol which I could have with me at all times. And so now I am wearing this necklace.

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There have been some evolutions of late. Tomorrow starts a dramatic change in my job, so much so that I will all but have a new job as one of my co-workers changes department and I take up most of his responsibilities. They say they're going to start hiring a secretary to help me soon. I'm going to need a lot of help. I'll then have to supervise four people, but I'll also have to be monitoring up to 30 others. People in the "normal world" get bent out of shape when you say you are wired to handle two or more relationships, but 34 work relationships is just par for the course!

The Signal is evolving too. She has been open about her fear of rejection. I think this will cause her to step away from her consideration of non-monogamy for herself. She wants to be part of that world one day, but she is far too afraid of being rejected and not wanted. She's working with her counselor on that but I don't think her heart is in changing right now. That's OK of course. We're also reconsidering a couple of boundaries. That's OK too, although it will lead to conflict. I think we feel a little stronger about things. She's even considering attending an upcoming poly social event with me. Don't know if she's planning to go as a partner or as a chaperone yet (I'm not planning to look there), but that is a big step for her.

The relationship I thought I lost is slowly returning, perhaps in a slightly different form. Again now I smile when I see a notification from her. I am grateful that I am hearing from her again. I don't know how to characterize our connection. Right now I am content to be the coleslaw to her macaroni and cheese (long story). Like a photographer, I will wait to see what develops.
 
The radio man says it's happening
We're staring out the window of the car
It's looking like we're going to be snowed in..." -- Joel Plaskett Emergency, "Snowed In"


The hardest part about living in this part of the world is that the weather is unpredictable and occasionally dangerous. An ice storm was predicted for tonight, and in preparation I decided to stay in a hotel tonight closer to where I was working today and tomorrow. The ice storm never came (though it might tomorrow). So for the night I'm away from friends and family with not a lot to do. At least I've got time to write and time to sleep.

As expected today I got saddled with about 2/3rds of my former co-worker's responsibilities. I ain't even mad. I'll start working with the first of my 30 new best friends tomorrow, and I have my first meeting with the two new people I supervise. One of them is probably going to apply to be my secretary (she looks nothing like Maggie Gyllenhaal, I stress). Everyone at work has been super friendly to me lately, which has helped a lot. I'm so much happier here than I was at my last job. I'm feeling like a much stronger person.

I just had a great conversation with The Signal. She and I worked through a lot of issues. There was a thread in here about mono partners which said that the average mono partner comes to terms with a poly partner after a year. The Signal is almost to terms with everything after only five weeks. Granted we'd been through a poly relationship before and she learned a lot then, but I give her so much credit. Now she's not ready for me to go out speed dating or come home with a new partner yet (and neither am I), but I'm grateful for her acceptance. And she's more optimistic about me than I am about myself.

I'm going to have to do something soon that's going to be about as comfortable for me as cutting off my own arm. I'm sure it would be easier for most people here, but for me this is new. I wouldn't have been strong enough to think about doing it if I hadn't had this place to write in, and people here who have been encouraging. Gratefulness abounds.
 
The thing I feared would happen, didn't happen. As I make my journey in life I should be mindful that my fear didn't have any effect on the outcome of what I feared. So I would have had a much better night's sleep, and enjoyed my evening much more, if I had just not been fearful. I'm getting better at realizing this, but I do have a long way to go.

So I am concentrating on positivity. I signed up to go to three social events over the next month, which is a nice step forward towards making friends in this community. I am looking forward tonight to playing boardgames with new friends. And I was happy to receive a message from the woman I have talked about here. One of the things she has said that resonates with me is that sometimes we spend too much time worrying about where we are or how we relate to others, and not enough time just enjoying each other's presence or words. She is right. I am enjoying just being in the present now.
 
After I wrote the last post an evil migraine started. Yesterday it was really bad and it probably led to my babbling in different threads here. I've often thought that I never need to drink: my migraines cause me to stagger, act inappropriately, lay in bed for long periods of time, and cause searing, "let me never do this again"-type headaches. They're also free and I don't have to go to a bar or liquor store to get one. And it's perfectly acceptable to be a migraneur at work. Aren't you all sold yet?

Tonight The Signal and I are going to an art exhibit put on by one of her friends, then partaking in the local Lenten activity of " finding a fish fry restaurant with less than an hour's wait for a table." Despite my illness it's been a good last few days.
 
Migraine: day four, somehow. Ugh.

Yesterday was blissful but somehow also a little nerve-racking. I had a fairly good day at work, with a good meeting with my boss, and a number of good interactions with the new people I'm working for. Somewhere in the middle of that the woman I've mentioned here sent me a Skype message. I'd forgotten I'd logged into Skype on my phone. I wrote back and we had a very sweet conversation while I ran reports and waited for my boss to get out of her meeting. It was wonderful to chat that way. It felt a little like walking a tightrope doing that at work, but she makes situations seem lighter.

After I drove home (and unfortunately my migraine got worse on the long drive) we dropped The Actress at her friend's house then went to see The Signal's friend at her art exhibition. Amusingly we first went to the wrong gallery. Somehow the invitation had the wrong address and there was a different gallery exhibition at that address! All those paintings were of somewhat explicit nudes, which made it even more embarrassing. But we found the right place and we were impressed that her friend's exhibition was much more crowded. Afterwards we found a place to get a fish fry--local delicacy here on Fridays during Lent--that wasn't overcrowded. And The Signal ran into another friend there.

Afterwards we talked about a lot of things. Next month there is a poly social at one of our favorite restaurants, and The Signal has surprised me by saying she wanted to go along. I said that in the past she'd felt that she would be "bait" if she went to any poly event with me, and I wondered why she had changed her mind. She feels now that it would be good to support at events like this, that I am usually shy and that having her there would be helpful. I still don't plan on dating anyone there. But, she said, maybe having her there to voice approval would be good if I found someone. I also thought having her there might help someone else who was poly with a mono partner feel better about being in that situation, and she agreed.

I asked her how she'd feel if someone hit on her there, and she said, oh, I'm not worried, that never happens. She underestimates herself. I am a little bothered that the invitation I got had to go out of its way to say "vanilla poly people welcome." I have felt a little out of place in the local meetups, not being part of the kink community. Outreach could be a little better.

Looking forward to the weekend and hoping to be migraine-free by the end of the day.
 
I am sorry for your sad situation and The Signal's feeling of betrayal. It sounds like you will not be back any time soon to answer, but are you leaving due to sharing information here that you should not?

Leetah
 
This has been a really hard thing to write. I don’t like people who leave somewhere abruptly then come back out of shame or embarrassment. Now I’m one of those people. I don’t like it but here I am. Honestly this message took over a week to write. Then things happened that made me throw away what I wrote and start over again.

First I need to say a few things here.

I can’t start writing this without first thanking someone I now consider a friend, someone who encouraged me to come back here. Thank you, Claire. I know you have been going through tough times yourself and yet you took time out to ask me how I was and to keep up a conversation. Thank you so much. You helped me realize this is a good place to come back to.

Now I think I need to address the obvious. I’ve been writing about someone that I had been writing to. I didn’t want to say who it was, because she requested privacy about it. I want to honor that even after I told her that I didn’t want to write to her anymore. I am aware that she has decided to be open here about writing to me, and named me specifically. I’m surprised and disappointed that she did that after first requesting privacy from me. I don’t profess to understand why she decided to do that, but that’s her decision. At this point I don’t think I can say anything more about it.

I suppose until yesterday I was preparing to come back here. I was intending to talk to a couple of meetup groups over the long weekend about some of the issues I had, compose something, and then move on from there. Then I read what she had posted, and I was reconsidering my decision. I talked about what I was going through at yesterday’s meetup, and there ended up being a really lively discussion about it. At the end of it the general consensus was that I should come back here. This forum is important to me. So many of the people there were in relationships where only they, their partners, and possibly a mono friend or two were aware of what they’re doing, and as a result they really didn’t have anybody to talk to about their situation who would be understanding or dispassionate. I suppose coming back here would be a help to me that I should be happy to have. Though it might not be easy to come back, and I will probably face some uncomfortable truths, the alternative is that I reject something which may help me in the long run.

So I am ready to face what waits for me here.
 
Part one

There is a real danger in me coming back here, which you will understand in a bit. I have been scared to come back. I suppose it’s natural that when one is frightened about something, the initial reaction is to hesitate. This hasn’t done well for me and it’s something I’m working on.

Now where do I begin. OK, this hasn’t been the greatest last two weeks, which you probably gathered by reading this blog. It certainly looked like everything was going well up until March 5. I thought it was on the day before. The Signal seemed OK with what I was doing, and I was learning more about polyamory and who I am. I was writing back and forth with a very nice woman, and although our conversations seemed more friendly I was very happy with that. It all seemed rather good. If my language about it seems flat and out of character, it’s because I didn’t feel like anything was out of the ordinary. I had had my skype messaging conversation with the nice woman, and I did feel happy about that, as I did about going out to dinner with The Signal. A couple of times The Signal asked me why I was so happy, and I told her that I was happy to be doing something with her, which was true. She did seem very suspicious.

The next morning The Signal went on her run and I spent the morning writing about “not being a creep” (I will eventually post that here I think, if I can). After she got back we sat and talked about that blog post—I sometimes pass on my “longer posts” to her as she feels that she gets a sense of where I am. She thought it rambled a bit, as I guess I am doing here. She seemed a bit troubled by things and she suggested I sit with her while she took her shower-then-bath (this is becoming a Saturday ritual for her). While we were in there we started talking about the woman I was writing to. I’m not going to get into details about what we talked about but the gist was that she was a little nervous about that. She started suggesting that maybe I was going too fast by talking to someone so soon after I’d identified as poly to her. That surprised me, as I had been letting her know what was going on throughout. She thought that “possibly” I had been dishonest about the nature of the relationship. That bothered me a lot. I wasn’t able to resolve her concerns, but she got out of her bath and we hugged and things seemed OK. I talked to her about what I could do about some of her concerns (without going into details, again, about that, as it concerns someone else and I do not want to disclose that now) and she seemed relieved about that.

Soon afterwards she had to go somewhere with The Actress. The Actress has been a little bit of a handful lately—grumpier than usual, not her joking self, and The Signal and I are struggling to figure out what’s changed other than typical teenagerhood. I figured they would go out, and she’d come back and everything would be OK. Instead while they were out I started getting texts that were more and more troubling, and it seemed that her mental state was not good. As soon as they got back The Signal wanted to talk. Then she started in on a lot of things that bothered her. “You have somewhere to talk about your polyamory, but I don’t and I feel really isolated.” “You haven’t given me a lot of time to think about who you are. You’ve had five years to think about things and I’ve only had six weeks.” “You have meetup groups and I know you’re looking for women there.” (The truth is, as I am painfully aware these days, I am just not making friends at meetup groups, let alone potential partners, so if I actually was looking for someone I’d be pretty down right now.) “You haven’t given me enough time to prepare for you being poly before you started writing to this woman. It’s not fair, you blindsided me.”

With all of this, I said to her, I’ve been very specific in asking if all of these things were OK. And not only were you saying they were OK, you were giving me advice and talking about polyamory and learning about it and giving every indication that you were both actively and passively OK with what I was doing. Although I didn’t say it frankly I felt like I was the one who was being blindsided. I mean if I wasn’t OK with her doing something—let’s say I felt like her running was taking a lot of time away from our time together—one would think the last thing I’d feel comfortable doing would be to read everything I could about running in my spare time, talk with her about how she was feeling after her runs, encourage her to sign up for marathons and running groups, encourage her to find running partners, and accompany her on trips to the shoe store and even try running with her. If I wasn’t comfortable with her running I’d certainly talk to her about it, but the last thing I’d do would be to actively encourage her to do the thing I felt uncomfortable with…especially if all that time she was asking me “Is it really OK if I go out running tonight? Maybe I should only go twice a week? Are you OK with this?” and generally giving the impression that she was worried that I really wasn’t OK with things. It felt like she had been constructing this really elaborate façade of being OK with what I was doing, then blaming me because I hadn’t been able to do see through her façade. I was just taken aback really.

Then she started accusing me of lying about what I was writing about with the woman I’d been writing to. Now, she was aware that we were communicating, but she didn’t know about the skype messaging the day before. Honestly I just wasn’t aware that it was that big of a deal. It was just another way of communicating. Kind of like the difference between writing an e-mail or writing a letter. And The Signal did know that we’d had a skype call a couple of weeks before and had been OK with it. Well, I thought she was, though now she was going back on that too.

Long story short because I just don’t want to go into details in the argument, to protect everyone’s privacy. She finally confessed that she’d come on here and read my blog. This was after weeks and weeks of telling me that this blog was my private space, that I could write here what I wanted to write and that she wasn’t going to bother me here. I was just absolutely furious with her. I couldn’t believe that after over 11 years of being with each other, when I’d let her have many private spaces to write online, plus her own written journal, and her conversations with friends, that the one time I asked for a private space for myself she decided to violate it. “Well, I was just so sure you were lying to me and you were.” Apparently the fact that I’d skype messaged the woman the day before was “lying” to her because although it was OK to communicate, it was not OK to communicate in that way. Even though we had before and even though we were sending messages to each other close to daily, this type of communication was not OK—even though we had not agreed that it was not OK. So apparently this made me a lying cheating cheater. And now she was the one who was threatening to leave me over this, because it was perfectly OK to majorly break my trust over a minor infraction. I tried to get away from her. She pulled on the infinity heart necklace I had and broke it. I couldn’t even find the pieces.

So in order to save our marriage I felt I had to tell the woman I was writing that I would never be able to write to her again and that I did not want her writing back. And I felt had to say that I was leaving the forums. I did that and we went to bed angry, probably for the first time in our entire marriage. It was a long next day.

The last two weeks have been tense, although there have been some breakthroughs I suppose. Over time The Signal has started to understand that she made a huge mistake by reading my blog. She understands that she has places she can go and friends she can talk to where I am not going to interfere. I know she says things there about me that I wouldn’t want to hear. I don’t mind that. But she does. She has been very concerned about what I write even in private and has often asked to see things. She will also say things like “I don’t like it when you go into another room to write in your journal.” She says she’s not trying to see what I say…but if I start writing anything, either on my phone or on my laptop, the first words out of her mouth are “What are you writing? Who are you writing to?” So I’m starting to feel like no space is truly safe anymore. (By the way I was writing a lot at work but now my boss is really pushing me to work through my lunch hour, so that avenue is gone now.)

I realize too in writing that paragraph that she might come on her and read that too. I honestly think if she does that would end our marriage. She’s talked about ending our marriage a lot since I came out as poly, that she just doesn’t think we can stay together so we should just end things. Most of that is her trying to get me to concede points. But this would be different. She has said over and over again during the last two weeks that she isn’t going to read my blog here. But she said exactly the same thing before, and she felt it was OK to go back on that because she “thought I might be lying.” So what happens the next time she thinks I’m lying? She’s offered to block this domain on her devices…but as I’m very aware if she can block a domain she can unblock it too. So writing this down is scary. I don’t know if she’s going to read this and I have no way of knowing if she is going to try to.
 
Because The Signal has been aware that she violated my trust she has been putting down a lot of olive branches—well, they look like olive branches but I don’t think they are. She’s still not ready for me to date in person…neither am I. But lately she has made noises to suggest that she is ready for me to date. She’s started talking about time management and what kinds of venues I could meet someone in. She’s talked about going with me to a meetup group or a social and saying that if I was interested in someone there she could talk to them there, and then she would be OK with me dating that person. At times it seems she’s really encouraging me to date. But I realize this is part of a façade that she is putting down, to pretend she is OK with more than she is. For example, at yesterday’s meetup originally the attendee list was mostly male, and she wanted to see it. (I wouldn’t let her—it is a private group and it is REALLY discouraged to let non-group members know who is part of the group.) Then when I told her after repeated questioning that some men dropped out and some women signed up, she started getting antsy about me attending. In the end a lot of those women dropped out, but she was still visibly nervous about it. Now I’m going to another meetup tomorrow night, and she is relieved that the attendee list is all male except for two girlfriends of two of the male attendees. I mean, if she was truly OK with me dating, why would she care who showed up for the meetup groups—especially when I’ve been vocal about not being ready to date in person? It’s been difficult for me to try to understand which clues I should be paying attention to.

So, even more than usual, I don’t know where I stand with The Signal. I’ve confronted her about this problem, that if she’s not OK with something I need her to tell me she’s not OK, instead of either pretending to be OK or saying she’s OK when she’s not because she “wants” to be OK with things because she doesn’t want to let me down in her mind. And her response is, basically, “tough shit.” “Don’t I have a right to change my mind about things?” she asked me. “These are my feelings and I don’t want you to deny that I have a right to change them.” “I haven’t had enough time to think about this so of course I’m not going to be as ready although I’m trying to be.” Well firstly, I’m going to be a lot more let down if she is dishonest about her feelings and saying she’s OK with something only to find out later that not only that she wasn’t, but she’s mad that I even thought she was going to be OK. Secondly—and a lot more crucially—this involves other people. If we’re halfway through painting a room and she says, “You know, I was never really sure about wanting this room painted blue. I think green would be a better color”, then we just go out and get green paint and start over. Sure we might have wasted a can of blue paint and a couple of hours’ work, but nobody else gets hurt. But for this there are other people involved. And they have the right not to be hurt by someone who says repeatedly that they’re OK with a relationship happening, only six weeks later to turn around and say, “No, this happened too fast, I was never OK with it.” Or by someone who says “I’m not going to be part of the relationship…but I do reserve the right to start interfering with it at any time and in any way I see fit.” And someone else did get hurt. I’ve been agonizing about that for two weeks now.

So I don’t know where I stand at the moment. The Signal says she’s OK with me being poly. She found the pieces of my necklace and was able to get another chain for it. And she repeatedly says she loves me for who I am. But it’s clear to me that she doesn’t trust me for who I am. She doesn’t trust me to tell the truth about any relationship I have been in, or might be in in the future. She says she trusts me to go to meetups, but she worries about who I might be seeing or what I might be doing and wants me to talk about everything. She says she wants me to come back here but at the same time she is constantly asking me what I am writing (even when I told her I wasn’t here and even offered to show her the timestamp of when I’d last logged in), and now I’m not sure I trust that she won’t snoop on me here again.

And obviously too, I realize that I hurt someone here. I apologize for that. I know that’s not enough when someone gets hurt. I don’t like being in this situation but I know that—in a phrase I’ve now heard at two different meetups from several people—I have to “own my shit.” I’m going to have to take responsibility and do what I can, within the boundaries I have agreed to, to rectify the situation.

There’s a lot of other things to say but I just can’t write any more now. It used to be a lot easier to write.
 
This is going to sound mean, but this is the second time you've written about a blow-up The Signal had where I thought to myself, "That beeyotch be crazy!" But seriously, it would seem there are some deeper mental health issues The Signal has going on that make her flip-flop back and forth so drastically. Such highs and lows -- and justification of everything she does, yet vilification of everything you do. I could not live with someone if I was under suspicion all the time. She is also a hypocrite.

There is no way you can make her trust you. You can jump through hoops trying to earn her trust, doing all sorts of things she tells you to do, but she has to let go of this sick and twisted game-playing if she wants to heal and trust you.

I hope somehow you can encourage her to look at her issues and see if she's possibly got some kind of mental hang-up or disorder because she is flying off the handle out of the blue, like someone who is just not well in themselves. I'd say she needs therapy, at the very least.
 
Autonomy?

One of the biggest reasons I chose polyamory is that it offers more autonomy to the participants than monogamy. I just cannot imagine having a partner that would go this berzerk over a Skype. I run my own life, am friends with people I choose, and communicate with them as I see fit. Curtailing communication with outsiders is one mark of an abusive relationship, poly or not.
 
Welcome back :)

When I read about The Signal, I don't see a crazy or abusive person, just someone with incredibly low self esteem. Someone who thinks so little of herself that she doesn't feel she can set boundaries or have needs. Someone who believes she's of so little value that she will be tossed aside if she's not "easy" and "agreeable".

But none of us are easy or agreeable 24/7, about everything. And trying to fake it leads to resentment, exhaustion, and, in this case, angry meltdowns :(

OnceAndFuture, I don't know that there's anything you can do to "fix" your wife's issues. There's a reason it's called *self* esteem. But you can encourage and support her if she wants to work on them. That's really all any of us can do for the people we love - be on their team, cheer them on as they grow and learn and change. I know you're trying to do that for your wife. I believe she wants to do that for you, too. I'm sorry it's so hard for her to do it well.
 
You know what it seems like to me, is that you two are playing out two different emotional scripts. Is it possible that when she spends time discussing how OK she is with everything she is expecting/hoping for a different response than "Cool! I will go ahead with poly things then!"? Perhaps something like "Oh honey, You are so amazing to try to give me this but it truly is not something I want."? The only thing is, that by making it clear that it IS something you would like you have made the script into nonsense. She keeps trying to play out the scene she has engrained from her past because that is all she has, you reply with what makes sense to you and the two of you end up hurt and angry that the other person is willfully going off script. Unfortunately even the idea that you do not have the same script can be upsetting during a crisis because following the same storyline gives comfort and security that you understand each other on a deep level.

Leetah
 
I am sorry things have been so hard. It is difficult to rearrange a long term relationship to include polyamory. I remember reading upthread where you said rather proudly, that most mono couples take a year to adjust to polyamory, but your wife was good with it after only 5 weeks.

Welcome to the poly rollercoaster, my friend.

I do recall, back in 1999-2000, when my ex husband and I first Opened, it was difficult for me when poly went from me getting to explore my bi side, to my husband instead finding someone who was into him, and whom I had thought was going to be interested in a relationship with me too (as she first said), but instead, the 2 of them fell deeply in love, declared themselves soul mates, andthen, after just a month or so, my ex suggested we move her in as my sister wife (!).

I tried so hard to be accepting of their relationship. I thought and behaved in ways similar to what the Signal is doing now. I didn't exactly lie, or pretend to be OK with their relationship (that excluded me), but I tried to be positive about the arrangement as long as I could, until I just fell apart and couldn't take it anymore.

I don't think the Signal necessarily has super low self esteem. I do think it's wrong of her to have read your blog. That is inexcusable. But yet, at the same time, desperately unhappy people do desperate, out of character things.

She just has a huge fear of losing you. That is the most common pitfall in newly poly couples' dynamics. I don't recall if you two have read any of the poly books or websites out there, together? There are guidelines for new people. (The only guideline I had back in 2000 was the book The Ethical Slut, which was not a perfect book.)

Also, if the Signal feels she doesn't have anyone to talk to about opening your marriage, I hope she can find someone from your poly group who is in a mono/poly relationship, to talk to. I'd suggest she come here and start a blog of her own, or ask questions in the Poly Relationships section, but since you and evie have blogs here, I know the Signal would be too tempted to read your blog and share space with your "other woman."

Rest assured you are not alone in your struggles. Many, if not most, formerly mono couples have gone through exactly what you are going through, and what your wife is going through. Some poly people struggle with jealousy issues and fears for years, in fact. Poly is not for the faint of heart.

Good luck!
 
I'm going to keep this short as I can.

The Signal did read this blog a second time. We agreed that I am going to step away from things, including this forum, for a while. I can't say how long that's going to be for, or if I'll come back, but I know it will be longer than two weeks this time. I'm prepared to wait however long I have to wait--and by that I mean for anything to do with poly--or, I'm prepared to step away forever if that's what I have to do.

I miss posting here and I miss reading what you all have to say. Thank you for providing advice. It has helped. I have to go through my own journey too and I'm going to carry that advice with me. I miss writing too. There was a freedom in putting one's thoughts down, whether or not someone else could see them. I am going to find another outlet for that. (I commute for work for three hours a day so I've written two novels and about 25 blog entries in my head. Now, as Iris Murdoch said, I just have to write them down.)

Goodbye for now, friends. If and when I come back I will come back as a different person in a different situation. Just as the past is a different country, so too is the future. I hope it will be a better one for everybody.
 
Wow, cutting off someone's support network like that just isn't right. He was asking advice from an anonymous group of strangers on the internet, not going to her parents with their marital issues. I wouldn't dream of doing this to my husband, nor would he do it to me. It's a shame. Insecure is one thing, but this is another. . . .
 
”To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I’m doing.” – Sloan, “Loosens”

Seriously. I’m not sure why I’ve come back here. I don’t know from day to day where I stand with The Signal. I don’t know if she’s going to read this. I’m not particularly sure I want anyone else to read what I’m writing either. I make decisions and suggestions and I’m not quite sure why I’ve made them or understand the consequences of them. Perhaps I’m not sure I know who I am any more.

”Put me back into the same place, how you found me, when you came in here.” – Sloan, “Loosens”

(So yeah, there was a time when Sloan wrote a song that sounded like something Ben Gibbard might have come up with. But anyway.)

It’s not exactly true I’m writing here because I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. The Signal and I had already kind of decided that if we found anywhere else safe and sane to write about polyamory, she’d have the right to go there. She tried posting on Reddit but got overwhelmed by trolls and haters (can’t say she’s wrong in feeling that). Since we haven’t found a second place to go yet, it’s unlikely we’d ever find a third place.

Having said that, I really wanted to come back. Earlier this week, I was thinking to myself that in the 12 years I’ve known The Signal, I’ve tried to feel a part of something. That came so easily to me before, that I would meet a group of people, find something in common, and start making connections like I used to pick up memories. Something happened afterward, and my attempts to get to know people became more labored until I felt a stranger to all. My decision to start identifying as polyamorous happened before I started posting here. But being here really reinforced that decision for me. This is the first place I’ve been in years where I read what people were writing and I immediately thought, “I understand where they’re coming from.” And, at the same time, I felt what like what I had to say was being listened to. I felt like I’d belonged here from the first two or three weeks on. Like I was reconnecting with something I hadn’t connected with in the first place.

And so my path was always going to lead me back here, and to the meetup groups where I felt the same way. Although there are perhaps reasons why I should stay away, and perhaps those reasons are blindingly obvious, at the same time I realize I have found my own level. Maybe being actively polyamorous is not possible for me, perhaps for a long time. But there is no sense in putting myself where I don’t belong. 12 years of trying that hasn’t worked. It’s time to try something else.

That said—well, I am not coming back to the same place I started in. I’ll state the obvious. There’s someone here that The Signal doesn’t want me to communicate with. That’s her right to say. It’s not the fault of the person who’s here, and this is too small of a place to tell her “don’t post anywhere I might post.” Not that I could feel like I had a right to do that anyway. So for the time being I am restricting my return to this blog. I am starting to realize in any event that while I’ve got a lot of opinions about polyamory that might be interesting and not exactly like that of many people here, I haven’t got a lot to talk about in terms of past experience or present activity. I realize, too, that I probably shouldn’t say too much about The Signal unless I absolutely have to; this is neither her blog nor our blog, but simply mine.

This blog, then, will be going forward about one person and his attempts to figure out who he is. Other blogs have, as I did, a signature which includes the people with whom the blogger is involved with. I don’t feel I can have that anymore. It’s not just that I identify as poly but am effectively mono, both by my own circumstances and through my own current intent. Right now there’s just nobody else to talk about.

”It fell around you like the stars,
You picked up everything they dropped.
And though it breaks you like a song,
You add some secrets of your own.” -- Low, “California”


I’ve been lucky in my life to know a number of very creative people. My first girlfriend is carving out a good living for herself lecturing on, among other things, young adult fan-fiction. A university friend of mine is now an accomplished playwright. My ex-wife’s best friend from university is a published poet. Another friend of mine (and one who, admittedly, I had a major crush on but could never bring myself to tell her) has written award-winning novels in two languages. Here I am stuck borrowing from Sloan and Low to try to set the mood because I can’t think of the right words to say. I’ve picked up everything they’ve dropped.

So, to the point. I wanted to start writing again. And, quietly, I did. I was considering starting a private blog and I’d written or thought of several posts. I had a name for the thing (“How I Learned to Live Backwards”), and I considered issues like whether to keep the blog read-only, or whether to just talk about polyamory or to include other subjects like hiking or gaming. I actually have about five or six posts ready to go. Then…I just couldn’t pull the trigger. Every time I thought about going to Wordpress to launch the blog I felt mentally drained. I didn’t want to go there. I wanted to come back here. There was something invigorating about sitting down and typing an entry, then posting it and knowing that it would be seen—that my words mattered. To someone. To the people who come here, never post, never join, but needed to know, “Look, there’s another person who identifies as poly but has a mono spouse who’s going through difficult times in coming to terms with it.” To those of you who’ve written to me and who I’ve been lax in writing back to.

I guess the main problem I’m going to have going forward is that, to put it bluntly, I don’t have a lot to write about now. One day in the future, I could go to meetup groups and write about that, but I don’t want to write too much about what other people are going through (and, at some groups, talking to outsiders about what is spoken about in the group is expressly forbidden). But for the moment The Signal doesn't want me to go to those groups and I will respect that request. I can read books on polyamory and write about those, but anyone can read those books. I could write about what The Signal and I are discussing, but so much of that is private, or should be. I could write about what I’m thinking, but that would get boring fast, and sooner or later I’m going to figure out who I am.

So from time to time I will add some secrets of my own, as the song goes. I can’t guarantee that will be a lot of the time, but I can guarantee there will be times.
 
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