Introverts and Poly prospects?

GingerAvenger77

New member
Have there been any discussions of how introverts cope with the poly lifestyle? I want to explore the idea, but am terrified of meeting new people. It's not my comfort zone. I have only a few select friends and am very slow to make new ones. One of the beauties of being married has been the fact that I don't have to worry about dating again. During one of my conversations with my wife about adding more characters to our love story, I actually told her "I don't know what's wrong with me. Why would I want the drama of dating again!?!" (That's a paraphrase).

Has anyone else conquered this hurdle? It goes deeper than romance and intimacy of course, but I'm just focus on this aspect of it here.

Thanks!
 
One of the beauties of being married has been the fact that I don't have to worry about dating again.....Has anyone else conquered this hurdle?

I have! I was married for 17 years and one of the things I loved most about it was that I did not have to date or even socialize if I didn't feel like it. I felt a lot of social anxiety all of my life, but then decided that I didn't want to accept it as a fact of life, so I decided to take on my fears - an entire mack truck full of them. Life is VERY different for me now, three years later. I'm happily social and dating. Not sure that you want to follow my lead, though. I'm separated and although it's a great step for me and my husband, it's not where most people want to go when they decide to break out of their shell. But it happens.

My thoughts are that introversion is very much a DNA thing, but you can do a great deal to change your feelings about making friends and free yourself of all social anxiety. The two are not the same at all. Introversion means that you need a lot of alone time and that you recharge in solitude. Social anxiety is the terror of meeting new people (and more) that you mentioned. You can definitely work to change your social approach into one that is much more pleasant for you.
 
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Hi GingerAvenger77,

Possibly the thing to do is get to know people online first? or maybe that's just chickening out; I'm something of an introvert, and I pretty much live online (on this forum yet). Still, it might be a place to start ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think of myself and introverted. I need a lot of time alone to hear and understand my own thoughts and feelings. I have to have a lot of social interactions from my work and rarely feel like spending time with new people.

Because of that I don't date. Dating sounds awful.

I don't like very many people and I'm attracted to even fewer. But because I work in a social field I often have to meet new folks for work and my close friends and partners have kept bringing lovely people into my life. I have four partners and a lot of lovely folks in my life but it means I need to pay attention to my energy levels, know who drains them in which ways, plan in advance for being socially burnt out and actively take care of my needs.

I know what kind of alone time heals me the best and I build my life around making sure I get that time.

For me it's being outside, in nature, getting some sunshine and exercise but two out of the four will do in a pinch. And learning this stuff has taken time. It takes took a lot of introspection and self examination to find a balance and I still don't always get it right. I can just recognize it now.

"Oh, this is the feeling of me not having enough alone time"
"Oh, this is the feeling of being overwhelmed by to many people"
"Oh, this is the feeling about being anxious in new social settings"

It's really helped me create a balance I'm proud of. And one that allows for a lot of love, connection, desire and play. Because even though I need a lot of time alone these connections are the most beautiful and heart opening things in my life. The magic that exists between people is awe inspiring and exploring it is one of the most amazing ways I get to explore existence... and wow that ended in a lot of hippie.

What I'm trying to say is, so far, I've found that work to be worth it.
 
Introversion varieties

It's important to realize that people clump all sorts of things under the word 'introversion'. Social anxiety - or anxiety in general - is often said to be introversion. Introversion at its most basic just means that being around other people drains one of energy instead of building it up (which is extroversion).

(OP, this is not a complaint about you or anyone in particular. It is not meant personally at all.)

I have a pet peeve when people are discussing anxiety but designate it as introversion. It's totally possible to be anxious and introverted - lots of people are. But I am introverted and not anxious. So the things people talk about when discussing introversion - when they mean anxiety - are not my experience at all. That doesn't make them (or me) wrong but I do feel that calling anxiety introversion both hides my experience and makes all introverts anxious, or unsocial or misanthropic. I don't want to label anxious introverts as not 'real' introverts because that's stupid as well as just wrong. But I am frustrated that introversion seems more and more limited in the popular arena to being anxious. Anxiety is a real issue and I can see the struggles my friends have in dealing with it. But anxiety is not the whole of introversion.

This article talks about types of introversion http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/06/apparently-there-are-four-kinds-of-introversion.html

I don't fully agree with the article - I think clumping these things together is not correct. Some are different enough from each other not to match up well at all. I think an anxious person experiences introversion differently than someone who is not anxious but introverted.

And to actually answer the OP's question, introversion has not been an impediment to 'doing' poly for me. It is true that there are fewer people I am attracted to and compatible with but I think that is because of my overall personality and needs rather than being a function of introversion. I find that dating sucks for everyone, even the most extroverted of extroverts. Meeting people is rather a necessary evil to sex and romance in general.

I have had to learn to notice my energy levels and when I can be social and when I need to be on my own. I used to get worn down since I wanted to be around partners and friends - cause they are awesome. And then I would 'crash' and hide in my house for a week. And I'm still learning to manage better juggling spending time with my girlfriend, FWB and play partners, family and friends with my own needs for time alone (and with my pets!). That's hard and I have yet to get a good handle on that.
 
I am very much an introvert, as is my husband/partner. Being alone recharges us. Being in a group, both of us can extend ourselves and socialize but at the end, its an energy drain. For us, we meet people through activities. Like gaming and going to cons. Its not easy meeting compatible people, not to mention but meeting other poly minded people is even more of a challenge. We try.

The way I look at it is, I keep myself out there. I stay open. It happened once, it can happen again but I may not be able to create it or maybe depending on the person. But I have to meet them first. So, my goal, meet people and see where that goes.
 
I want to explore the idea
Why?

I'm not trying to back you down. Rather, my first thought is to wonder what it is about polyamory that would make you even consider leaving a rut that you find rather comfy.

I'm in my late 50s, & I still have no idea how to do the "dating" thing. It just somehow sorta happens.

I consider myself introverted... but you'd have to know how garrulous (well, voluble, anyway) the rest of my family is. We're natural storytellers, perpetually curious about stuff, so we store up all sorts of observatuions & experiences, & when we get together can happily chatter away on toward sunrise.

And being accomplished talkers from an early age, we sorta come across as charming & intelligent. Most of my lovers became interested in me because they overheard me chatting with friends at a party or convention or show.

If you have access to poly-friendly events, just go - don't worry about having a script or game plan or whatever. Smile & nod, maybe say "hi" once in a while.
 
I...am terrified of meeting new people.

This is what you'd want to focus on overcoming - your social anxiety, your critical self-talk and your fear of judgement. The facts that you're introverted and have a small circle of friends are not in and of themselves impediments to dating and socializing.
 
I agree that the OPs description is not really introversion, it is social anxiety.
I don't like meeting new people, mostly because of the energy drain. I far prefer meeting my friends 1 to 1. I tried the small group things but don't enjoy it anywhere near as much.
I actually have a high level of social and conversational skills. I give presentations to large groups with no worries at all...etc
What is the stronger desire? To meet someone to have fun with or sit home and wonder about meeting people to have fun with.
 
Thanks for all the really good responses! I'm going to let them all soak in and probably re-read a few.

I guess I should give more thought into the difference between introversion and social anxiety. I certainly think I am affected by both after reading the responses. I am uneasy meeting new people and being in a situation where I do not know very many people. I avoid big gatherings and gravitate towards the few people I know if I am in that situation. But I do feel drained after small social functions where I know everyone too.

Someone asked why I'm interested in moving away from the comfortable known entity of a monogomus marriage. And honestly, it was ignited by a spark of one-sided romance towards a neighbor who quickly became a friend (who I grew quite fond of). I know it is only one-sided, but it opened my eyes to the possibility of being able to love more than one person.

I was able to put it into words last night to explain the urge: seeking a source for more affection. My wife isn't exactly the best at showing affection and I can't force her to be someone she's not. But I've been craving more affection lately for whatever reason. So I think that's part of it.

And there is asked a physical desire to experience certain things before I no longer am able. So there are two sides to this coin.

I like the encouragement to break out of my shell of it's something I truly want to explore. Rather than live with the regret of not even trying. I may not ever make the jump to, as I put it to my wife the other day, "add extra characters to our story." But I'm 100% convinced that it is an acceptable option and part of who I am.

Thanks for being a supportive bunch of like-minded folks :)
 
My wife isn't exactly the best at showing affection and I can't force her to be someone she's not.
Is there something in your history where you'd see only the choice to force her to change? What likelihood is there that the two of you have simply fallen into comfortable behavior patterns... including minimalistic communication? If you are making unwonted assumptions about her, then maybe she is as well -- like that your "introversion" means you don't WANT much affectional display.

Leaving aside how you'd go about "becoming poly," how do you feel about the thought of your wife looking for new lovers? How will you feel when she meets someone who brings out all the warmth (even passion) that you presently feel isn't part of her "natural" metier?
 
Have there been any discussions of how introverts cope with the poly lifestyle? I want to explore the idea, but am terrified of meeting new people. It's not my comfort zone. I have only a few select friends and am very slow to make new ones. One of the beauties of being married has been the fact that I don't have to worry about dating again. During one of my conversations with my wife about adding more characters to our love story, I actually told her "I don't know what's wrong with me. Why would I want the drama of dating again!?!" (That's a paraphrase).

Has anyone else conquered this hurdle? It goes deeper than romance and intimacy of course, but I'm just focus on this aspect of it here.

Thanks!
I find that polyfidility suits me as an introvert very well. I have never really dated (noone does in my country, unless they find people online). My husband was a close friend before we started dating. My boyfriend of 2,5 years I met when I was on holiday, we just happened to like each other and I am his first proper girlfriend. I have my hands full with the two of them and the prospect of future kids.

I used to be like you and only have very few friends. What I did was, I started engaging myself in different subjects that caught my interest. I did NGO work, potlucks, different things. Some things I tried did not work out, but many did. Just by being out there, I got friendship offers. I now have a wide social circle and many close friends. I find that being social is a little bit like a game; at some point you start to get good at it, and then things just add on. And you no longer fear rejection or not getting along, things just happen organically if you meet someone you get along with.

However, I find that getting friends and lovers are two different hats (yes, I married my friend, but he was smitten with me when we met and I dated someone else and was not into poly). It is much easier to get a lover than a friend - I met my sort-of-ex lover just because he was my yoga teacher; the upside of introverts is that we can get really close to people without speaking a whole lot (the guy said I am the first person he met who communicated interest just by being present and ooze my energy). Still you want to get a GOOD lover, and also want to be the best version of yourself.

So if you want to become more social (and deal with social anxiety if you are affected by it); work on yourself. Do whatever you need to do. Then you are a "better package" for the person you meet, as well. I personally have benifited a lot from the Non Violent Communication, I mean the book but also courses I have taken on the subject. It really says a lot on how to express yourself clearly without hurting other people. It might take a while to get into it, and I am by no means perfect with it, but my boyfriend says he can tell that I know something about communication and it is helpful for him too. Also, there are many good books on introversion now, if you have not read them, I especially like "The introvert advantage", because it offers many practical tips: http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-People-Extrovert/dp/0761123695
 
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Hi!
This resonates with me, because I am quite introverted and find it exhausting to be surrounded by people, the more people, and the fewer of them I know personally, the more exhausting it gets for me.
I have always had few, but close friends, and it takes a long time for me to add somebody to that list. In fact, nobody has been added in several years.
I thrive on my own, left to my own thoughts or just quietly joining an activity with others.

I'm not shy at all, don't have social anxiety and can easily keep up with extroverts for a while (until I'm drained) which is why most people who know me superficially don't recognize me as an introvert. Many of them probably think I'm moody or simply don't like them, although in fact I do like most people and even enjoy their company, in very small doses and only one or two humans at a time, for a short time.

Having only one person around me who wants to be "entertained" all the time is equally exhausting. This is the rare exception when I do prefer to have more people around: It leaves me free to sit back and relax while those people entertain each other, I'm happy to feel included by just being there and listening.

As you can already guess, I need a lot of stability and don't do well with a constant change of faces, new people added, people leaving after I got to know them (which takes effort)...the prospect makes me want to curl up and listen to some music.

So yeah, I guess I am definitely one for very stable relationships with people who intend to make long-term efforts.
 
hi- new here [apr 2016]. this is the 2nd thread to catch my eye while browsing this site. i am 63 and more introvert than extr. people have misidentified me as extrovert & are always surprised i am an intovert when i take the myers-briggs test [3x now?].

i NEED recharge time away from people, esp strangers/crowds. yes i can be sociable & charming, but i need my solitude to get my balance back, thank you. more solitare pursuits [oil painting, reading/studying, stamps & coins] than people oriented activities. altho i would like more people in my life [read friends], it is hard.

i have had poly philosophy since teens & now have poly husband. he finds me so supportive. what can i say? old hippie love & hugs for everybody!! then back into my hole to hibernate ...
 
Is there something in your history where you'd see only the choice to force her to change? What likelihood is there that the two of you have simply fallen into comfortable behavior patterns... including minimalistic communication? If you are making unwonted assumptions about her, then maybe she is as well -- like that your "introversion" means you don't WANT much affectional display.

Leaving aside how you'd go about "becoming poly," how do you feel about the thought of your wife looking for new lovers? How will you feel when she meets someone who brings out all the warmth (even passion) that you presently feel isn't part of her "natural" metier?

What I meant by that is that it is not right for me to force her to behave in a way that is outside of her comfort zone. She is more of an introvert than I am and works at a job where she has to interact with lots of different people all day. So when she gets home, she needs to "recharge" from that and needs space. She has switch to a part time schedule recently, so maybe that will change how much recharging she needs. She is also borderline depressed, but again, I think the lighter work load will help with that.

We are open and honest with each other about what we need and how much attention we need (emotional and intimate), but sometimes we're either not fully honest with ourselves or it's not something that can really be communicated.

I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking it all. Maybe I just need to accept the path we have chosen and steer clear of any potential hazards along the path.

Still a little confused and conflicted though :(
 
Hi GingerAvenger77,

Can you articulate specifically what you're still confused/conflicted about? I hope to help, but I think maybe I'm not understanding. Help!
 
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