Jill's Journal

Middlegirl

New member
my Saturday morning

good morning everyone.. I wanted to like give everyone an idea about my day to day life. I also had a conversation with R about anonymity. I found this site yesterday (a close friend I go to school with told me about it, she posts from time to time) back to Saturday morning, I have a soccer tournament today our first game is at 10:30 so I have alittle time.

First R is happy that I have found a forum to like talk about my feelings, she also said that she would not post or even join the site. She thinks if I like use this site like a journal or whatever I will temper myself if I think she is going to read what I wrote.

So alittle about me and us, I am 23 in college. R is married in her late 30' and my lover. M is her husband in his mid 40's he is not dating anyone at the moment. He just ended a 5 month relationship with another man. Both R and M are bi. I however am not, I am a lesbian. They have 2 boys #1 and #2. #1 is 9 and #2 is 7...

So I got up early about 6:00 and did some cleaning. Last night was R and M's date night, so there was an empty bottle of wine on the deck and 2 wine glasses and like 6 beer bottles (must have been one of the neighbors)

The boys were up at like 6:30 (they are going fishing with one of the neighbors and their children. I got them some breakfast, and R came down as they were finishing and running out the door.

I got her a cup of coffee and sat on her lap and thanked her for coming to my game last night (we won and that's why we are playing today and if we keep winning we will play tomorrow) She told me it was M's idea, he is so thoughtful (but lets be honest 22 women running up and down a field, what man would not like that idea) I asked her about dinner and stuff like that. She took me downstairs to my room (their house is (can I say our house?? it feels a little strange) a two story with a finished basement, I have like an apartment with a full bathroom down there. It helps to have 2 locked doors between us with the boys lol) we took a shower together (I showered last night but I am not going to say no to a shower with a pretty woman lol.) She picked out my jersey, shorts, and socks for today. Well 3 different jerseys (I love it when she does that) She also said if we win the first game to text her because she is going to try to come to the second game (the boys have their games today at 1:00 and 3:00 so M is going to take them. That made me smile, she is pretty busy on weekends but she is making time to come watch me play.

Tonight is the subdivision Halloween (don't get me started on how silly I think that is.. really the Saturday before Halloween? Is candy that expensive you cant share it with all the kids) I am dressing up like a witch she and M are not dressing up. It should be fun, and I will get to meet more of their neighbors. That's always hard just because of the questions. They are not like hiding anything from anyone, but they are not wearing signs either so I usually tell people as much of the truth as I can. I'm a college student, living with them helping out with the house and whatever else they need. So far that is working but the boys being 9 and 7 its not always easy to be like discrete about us and they have friends they talk to, but so far so good on that end.

well that's sort of my morning so far... wish me luck at my game (games I hope)

Jill
 
Well that was more work than it should have been

We won the first game. 4 to 3 wow close one.. I have like 2 and a half hours before my next game... Send me a message and say hello. I would love to hear from anyone!
 
Subdivision Halloween party & sunday morning

good morning everyone...

Wow I have to say these people know how to party. I still don't like the idea of not celebrating Halloween on Halloween but I do like to have fun. It really is an all subdivision party.

R and M took the boys trick or treating, I hung out at the house and handed out candy, and made sure any of the grown ups had drinks, access to a bathroom all of that stuff. I was surprised at the lack of like how do you know R and M. I got very few of those, and the questions I did get were satisfied with simple statements about being in college and needing a place to say and R and M being busy and needing help around the house.

After about 9:00 the trick or treating was done, and all the grown ups (picturing myself as a grown up lol) went 3 houses down to one of the neighbors, he is like an internet guy and had the baseball game playing on his garage door, (now that is something I would never think to do.) Its an interesting dynamic about this series, while I am happy to see the Royals doing so well, a few people are really bitter about that team.

My friends started showing up after 9:00 (that's good because that's when I told them to be here) It was good to see all of them. My school friends I see almost everyday, and sometimes away from school, parties, nights when I am out (I am not like a kept girl, I have a social life.) My soccer friends we spend a lot of time together during these tournaments, and after games during the week. I am wondering what I am going to see this morning, one of them was in pretty rare form as she was leaving last night (not driving, he boyfriend was doing that, and I know he was drinking Pepsi all night, I hope she is ready to play.. just like saying)

About the middle of the 6th inning R pulled me aside and said they were going back to their house to hang out on the deck with a few neighbors and their friends. I found my friends and we all went back, I made a bunch of like Costco appetizers. we talked and hung out. As the night went on their circle of friends got smaller but the friends were closer (maybe that's how it works in the real world of grown up parties) by like 11:30 the people there were like asking to help clean up, it was really nice but the kitchen and the deck were not in too bad of shape.

Once the crowd had thinned out R patted her lap, a sign that she wanted me to sit on her lap (or a sign that everyone here knew about our relationship and I was free to she her affection, oaky that just sounds silly but we have looks and stuff like between us. I got myself my first and only glass of wine (todays games are really serious to me, maybe not to some of my teammates lol) I sat in R's lap and she told me M had a date and was getting ready to leave. Not a major surprise and not a bad thing at all. When I got up this morning his car was not in the garage. R and I slept in their bedroom (the boys were spending the night at a one of their friends (she does not want the boys like seeing us together in their bed. so a lot of times even when M is gone we are still in my bedroom. We talked about the party and like compared notes about who we talked to (it sucks we have to do that, but we do it. Nothing was spilled... so no drama sorry, well not really, less drama is always better)

It was nice to be around a table without having to hide, I told a few stories about growing up, on the farm and I made a point to say I was not a fan of having Halloween the week before Halloween, you can argue security and whatever else. I grew up going house to house in a car to see my parents friends until we got into town, then we could go door to door. (sorry it really annoys me that all these houses will be dark on Halloween because a few people don't want to share) At one point I felt R's hand on my lower back (she was like stop beating the dead horse)

So I let someone ask me about my coming out. I was 19 but I knew way before, In high school I really played the game and I tried to like boys, it just didn't work. When I 10 I knew it was girls, when I was 11 I knew it was oaky in my mind (no one else felt that way) when was 13 I was having full blown crushes on girls my age teachers, and oaky a few of my friend's mom's. I never acted on any of these and nothing ever happened. Now in my mind everything happened. (I did a few things maybe I should not have done. If your like interested, you can message me and I might share... I don't know what the line is on this site and I don't want to pole vault over it. I came out when I was 19 and living here. My family took it way better than I expected (the lesbian part... I have not explained this relationship to my Dad or anyone else, other than to say I am seeing a more mature woman. My Dad just wants me to be happy and does not ask a lot of questions. But he never asked questions when I dated boy either lol) so I shared a few stories about that. R got to find out a few things she didn't know.

About 12:30 everyone was gone or about to be gone, R went upstairs to get ready for bed (I don't know why but I always get such a rush when I get to sleep in their bed, its like across between that feeling you get when your someplace you should not be. Am I the only person who gets excited about the idea of being with R in the bed she and M share? I walked the last couple out said good night to them, I cleaned up everything else and started the dishwasher and went upstairs to R's bed.

I got up this morning to a clean quiet house, R had gotten up. I remember her telling me to sleep in alittle. I found her on the deck with the paper (really the paper) and a cigar, that's a pretty common Sunday morning site. Her on the deck with a cup of coffee and a cigar. I got a bowl of cereal and sat with her. It was nice just us listening to the birds and each other...

Oaky now its time to focus on soccer... wish me whatever but I have to go..

Jill
 
Second place finish

wow, it was a great tournament, we didn't win, but congratulation's to the girls that did. They played really well. To my friends and teammates. (I hope a few of you create accounts. If for no other reason than to learn a little more about how some really wonderful people live) Thank you all for a wonderful weekend, I had almost as much fun hanging out with you in between games as I did winning. The last game was a tough beat, but we did win 4 out of 5. I am walking away with my head up high. I landed funny on my shoulder so my back might not be so straight lol..

Date night with R tonight, we just talked and pizza and Netflix downstairs is our plan, I promised to wear something she would like. I hope she likes the bra and panty set she got for me last weekend, because comfort, and maybe a bag of frozen peas (for my ankle, but if someone has a better idea for a bag of frozen peas I am all ears) are in my future...

how was everyone else's Sunday? Did you do something fun?

Jill
 
I worked on my lil garden, it's got a gravel covering and I had to clean all the gravel. What a job! and then I worked in between trying to get an IT system to work at home.
 
All very interesting

Growing up on a cattle farm, I spent a lot of time working in the hay in the summers. That is a lot of work... I hope you garden is in better shape. I don't know much about IT projects, but I do hope it worked out..
 
Monday Morning, getting everyone off to school and work

Good morning everyone..

First a question. Should I just make like one post and call it like Jill Journal, or keep posting as I have. I noticed people sort of do it both ways. So tell me what you think..

My gosh I am sore I don't know if it's the new toy R used with me last night or the fact that I played 5 soccer games in 3 days but wow I am sore all over.

R had to get up early as her shift changed at work to days. She was not happy to have to get up early, but I did make it easer for her. While she was getting ready I packed her a lunch, and wrote her a note telling her how nice our date was.

Then it was time to get the boys up and ready for the bus. M helped with that, while I got all the laundry going. I walked them to the bus stop (such a pretty day, to bad I will spend most of the day in class) The little guys were pretty excited because Mondays they go to the Science Center (older) and Zoo (younger) I wish I got to go to the Zoo. I got to spend a few minutes chatting with the other Moms about the Halloween party and stuff like that. (It's times like this where I wonder what these women think of me. Do they like think I am like the nanny, or something like that? Someone once asked if I was their niece, I was as honest as I felt comfortable being. I told her no, I am not their niece, I am a girl trying to make my way through college and R and M were kind enough to offer me a job and a place to live. What I wanted to say was. No I am not their niece, I fell in love with R and she and M were kind enough to embrace my love for her and let me be part of their lives. They do pay me for the work I do around the the house, but that's not why I do it. My gosh I sound like such a whiney girl today what's wrong with me today)
 
Sorry

Typing that out made me a little more emotional than I usually get. More about Monday, in between my classes.
 
Less emotional now

Once the boys were on the bus. I walked back to the house, and tried not to cry. I went up to R and M's bedroom. M had left for work by this time I cuddled with her pillow and got myself in a better frame of mind. I sent R a text and asked for her permission to do something, she gave it. (Plus I knew it would turn her on) after I took a long shower in their shower, and wanting to feel close to her I put on the tshirt she wore to my soccer game on Saturday, and something else of hers. I went downstairs and finished getting dressed.

I met some friends before class and it was nice to get to hang out with them. Talking about what they did this weekend, and stuff like that.

My last class of the day starts soon then it will be home, it's nice enough maybe we can grill for dinner, it might be the last day it's nice enough to eat outside on the deck...

What is everyone else doing for dinner?
 
In the blog section here, usually people start one thread and update it with posts as they wish.

People do post elsewhere on the forum with new threads for advice, and sometimes if someone's life circumstances change, they start a new blog, but from what I've seen, people don't generally start a new thread each time they want to make a blog post.
 
Well, it took me 3 days nearly to install the software that my company's software connects to! Finally got it working tonight. Now I have to install it for real the the Customer next week.
 
good advice... I will follow it

I hope I didn't annoy anyone..
 
If you want I can merge the threads for you, just post a list of the ones you would like consolidated.
 
I guess I am sort of starting a blog, I don't know if I will post everyday, I have been posting a lot but I just found this site and it's still new. I wanted to go back to be beginning and sort of tell everyone how I got where I am..

part 1 as it turns out

R and I met last November, at a mutual friends wedding. She knew I was a lesbian because I made a joke with one of my friends. I said something like I wish I was straight because boys are so easy to figure out. Women not so much. (that was not word for word but it's close) Lol R heard that. She was there with her husband, but she was paying a lot of attention to me, we talked almost the whole night. About nothing serious, the food, school, soccer, her family, about her boy's their playing soccer. I think I offered to like coach them on the side, or something like that. Open bar and I was feeling pretty good. She asked me about dating and I was honest I told her I was seeing a more mature women but it was not serious and I was pretty sure it was about to end, it was nothing either of us did it had just run its course and both of us were like afraid to really end it. She had me wondering because she was really like touchy, even when her husband was like sitting right next to her. I mean like nothing too forward, but at one point she said her hands were cold and wanted me to warm them up. Now to be honest, I have in the past gravitated to more mature women. In school it was teachers, one of my friends Mothers. Nothing ever happened, not even close. I tried really hard to play the game in high school, I grew up in a really small town, just not the place for a girl to come out, well not in high school at least. I was 22 when I met R (I turned 23 in July) she is in her late 30s M is in his mid 40's. Well after a night of sort of flirting between us she asked if she could call me, and maybe get coffee. She did this right in front of M. I was like oaky is guess sort of. In my mind I thought she wanted to like hook up with me at my place or something like that. I was not going to be oaky with that. But coffee could not hurt.

She called me the next day, it's the fall and I was busy with a soccer tournament (club not for school, I tore my mcl acl trying to walk on my freshman year) she asked if she could and watch, I was like sure, I don't get much of a cheering section. She came out and we lost the first game so the rest of my Sunday was free. We ended up having lunch and going for a walk in the park. She took my hand and then I was like.... I have to know what are you looking for, your married? We talked she told me about her "open relationship" I was like I have heard of marriages like that but what does that mean really? Then she used the word Polyamory (also a word I had heard but hearing it is one thing meeting someone, not that common and this was like our first meeting, I just didn't know what to say) She explained about her relationship with M worked, he is also bisexual and that he had his own relationships. R has never been interested in one nightstands or short relationships, she needs to be in love with someone. Those words resonated with me (maybe with any girl, I cant be that different)

She asked me what I thought, and like I said before I was like wow, I really don't know. It sounds like your happy your husband is happy. My first question was how do the boys deal with all of this. She explained that at their ages right now (they were 6 and 8 at the time)relationships have not been explained and that M's relationships are always outside of the house. She also told me about her and Stephanie (she was R's previous lover, also in college. They had been together for two years and when she graduated after a few months she got a job offer in New York, and for a girl from the Midwest that is a really big deal, so their relationship ended) That relationship was explained as Stephanie working for her and M and helping around the house in whatever way was needed. Now I am not naïve, I see the pattern here. I was still intrigued. She had me at the words I need to be in love with someone. Still another part of me was like you're crazy, no way could I be in love with a woman who is married to a man, and all of that stuff rolling through my head. She asked me two things..

Frist, to give the idea some thought, (us seeing each other) she said I could call her anytime if I had questions. She explained that she was very interested in me and that she didn't want to hide anything and in her mind explain all this had to happen. I remember thinking this whole thing is crazy...

The second was, to promise to call her in two weeks even if it was to tell her I was not interested in a relationship like this.

When I gave her a hug good bye my head was spinning, like crazy thoughts.

It was all I thought about like not even school, plus the holidays were just around the corner, so that was going to be busy holidays at home, family looking at me funny because I didn't have a date (I came out when I was 19 so pretty everyone in my family knows) I called her on a Sunday afternoon (I had lasted one whole week. I told her the idea was a lot of things, and I had a lot of questions, and a lot of stuff on my mind, but I knew my answer was not no. She told me to calm down and take it slow.

I met her for dinner and we talked about a lot of stuff, pretty much all my issues. She explained that she wanted to take things very slowly, with the holidays coming up she would make as much time for me as I needed or give me all the space I wanted. I had no idea what I really wanted or needed, but when we walked to our cars I had to fight with myself not to cry. I was crushing pretty hard. Just a lot of things I guess.

She asked me to call her when I got back to my place, just so she knew I was home safe. I did that and we ended up talking on the phone for like 4 hours, about everything. She ended the call by asking me if I would like to join her and M for dinner on Friday night, I agreed to that.

We had dinner the three of us, M was amazing very mellow, and reassuring telling me about his life and how the most important thing to him was to make sure R is happy. He left us after dinner and the two of us sat at that table in the restaurant and just talked about what I wanted out of my life and what I needed to do to get there. We talked about my family, and we talked about the things that scared me about the next steps in this relationship. She told me that we could go as fast or as slow as I wanted. With the it being the middle of the holidays now winter break coming up (my plans were to go home for winter break) I needed slow. She drove me home and we kissed in the car for a very long time, then she told me good night. When I got upstairs to my apartment, I called her and said I had made it home safe, she talked to me all the way home, and for another few hours.

I went home for winter break as planned, I had my old winter job lined up and I didn't want to be the person who agreed to something and then not show up. I talked to R almost daily, just about my day and listened to her telling me about her day. I got back right after new years, and she was the first person who knew I was home.

I guess then the courtship sort of started for real, invites to dinner with the family. Me offering to cook (I love like bring domestic cooking, I love children I was an education major, I could not deal with the parents as a whole, I don't mind cleaning. I love like kicking the soccer ball in the back yard with the boys, playing video games all of that) I February, R asked me if I wanted to spend a weekend at their lake house (the lake in the middle of winter, really I wonder what she wants to do ;) I agreed and we spent 3 days pretty much locked in their lake house learning all about each other. Now in my daily life I can be as assertive as I need to be. That being said with all the stress of school, (at the time I worked two jobs) work, and everything else. I felt so natural to let R take the her lead, her being in control. Now if that makes me a submissive and R a Domme then I guess that's what it makes me.

Over spring break we went away together, she took me out west, we flew into Las Vegas and rented a car and drove out to Bryce Canyon and stayed there in a cabin for two days, the to Zion for three days (that might be the most amazing place on earth, we spent our time hiking (up to Angles Landing) the last two days we spent at the Grand Canyon. I didn't want to leave Zion but she insisted telling me I would regret not seeing the Grand Canyon, she was right but when I go back I will only want to see Zion. I fell totally in love with her on that trip head over heals. I told her as much, and she reciprocated. I had never told anyone that I loved them ever before, and really knew what I was talking about.
 
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Part 2

now I know there is a text limit lol...

We got back home and I continued living in my apartment but spending more and more time at her house, she and M suggested that, I leave my jobs because they felt that me being helping around the house was worth something and that if I moved in I could have the basement apartment. (their basement is finished with a full bathroom, I was ready to say yes. The thing was I had a lot of questions (I should have asked more, I just sort of assumed a lot of stuff.) They both warned me that it would not be sex all the time as that was pretty much impossible with two children and her marriage. M offered to give us a much space as he could. That was back in May, and finals were coming up, so we all agreed I need to focus on that.

On the last day of finals M and I packed up all of my things in my apartment and he helped me move the important stuff to their house. The rest of my stuff I didn't need I took back home. Now this is the sort of dishonest part, I told my Dad that I had found a job with a married couple working as a house keeper, nanny, whatever they needed. I still have not explained the relationship to him. He has met them both on a few occasions. I'm his only child and he is only two hours away, so he does like to come up. Both R and M understand. They really don't talk about their outside relationships with their family members. R's sister does know, and has been very supportive and also very kind to me, we try to hang out a few times a month. She is older than R and happily married with four children. She has been a wonderful friend. Slowly over time I have told a few of my friends who I thought would get it. Some has accepted it, others have told me I am crazy (lol I once felt that way, sometimes I sill do. lol) I have told about 9 people and no one has taken me out of their phones, so that's a pretty good sign.

What I would tell Jill the 22 year old is, you should have asked more questions. I would have said your going to do great in this but don't go into this with any assumptions ask first. Communication is very important and its a two way street, if your assuming something and not asking your feeling could be hurt when things don't go the way you assumed they would. I would also tell her to not focus on R when she is not with you she is married and you knew that going in, she is going to make love to her husband. (I am getting better about being jealous, (getting better) I still do but I have found that only makes me want her more, and I try harder to please her when we are together. Like last night I was so tired, she slept upstairs in her bed with M I knew it was coming (we had been together the last two nights) it still stung and I was a little sad (I am selfish so like, for me to find happiness in her happiness has not happened for me. I love that idea and maybe someday I will get there.) The last thing I would tell the 22 year me is talk about those feelings. I have done that and its something the three of us are working on. Me spending more time with M is part of it, I do like the man, and liking him does make it a little better. I didn't think it would but it really does.


Well here I am 4 almost 5 months later here I am, still a work in progress, still with a few things I need to get better at, just like everything else in life, there will always be something to get better at.

Well that's the back story....

I welcome all of your feedback...

Jill
 
Emm that would be so great

thank you for offering that, I just posted a really long story about how I ended up with R but feel free to do that for me.. Its very kind.. (and I will feel like I am not annoying people)
 
An unexpected consonance of this relationship

I was talking to a friend about my relationship with R and her family. This girl can be really judgemental.. So I was really surprised when she looked at me and said.

"So your not like going to the campus bars inbetween classes, or after class to drink? You actually are going to help take care of your girlfriends children? Wow Jill it seems like maybe you have learned a lot about responsibility this past summer. I don't need to know the how or why, I am just happy your happy."

That made me feel really good to hear her say that. Because at first I had no idea where she was taking this. I was alittle bit proud of my self.

On the way home (I am almost comfortable saying that) I thought about, like what if.. What if I said no to coffee last year. Would I still be the same party girl, doing too much of everything, and never being happy. I think that is where I would still be.

A person I know pretty well once told me I sound like an Au Pair who is at R's beck and call for lesbian love, that really hurt. I don't call that person a friend any more...

So I wanted to take a look at all intangible things I have gained from this relationship. First I have finally learned what true love really is. Second I have learned what it means to be counted on, not on a soccer field, or to put together a power point presentation. But like Jill if you not there to pick up our child he is going to worry and be scared. So real responsablilty... I have learned I am stronger and smarter that I ever thought. Because R is always telling me to sit up straight like the lady I am, my posture is better.. (That's me letting you know I am smiling as I type this.) I know what it really means to help take care of 4 other humans, it's not as easy as I thought...

I have learned all of this and a lot more because I said yes to having coffee with a married woman...
 
I scared myself this morning

R&M both had to be out of the house early this morning. So it was just me and the boys. I got them up and ready for school. Made breakfast, oatmeal before you give me a hard time I made it yummy with brown sugar and cinnamon, I made it the old fashioned way.

We got to talk about school and about my classes, they found it odd that I don't have recess.. I agreed.. I loved hearing that the 7 year old likes to play soccer with "the big kids".. We talked about Halloween tomorrow night, nothing major trunk or treat... R got me a different costume. I guess sexy witch might be too much for this. I get to be not so sexy zombie. With her and M. Soccer this weekend but not tomorrow night. I have to be honest I am sort of looking forward to a tame Halloween, in the past my halloweens have been filled with too much alcohol and whatever else I could put into my body to have "fun"

Sorry way off track.. I scared my self as we were about to walk to the bus stop. I said "You both need to put your hoods up and zip up your jackets." Mom thank you for telling me that for the first 13 years of my life.. I will continue the tradition....
 
Jill note to self

When you leave your soccer bag open with 4 pairs of goalie gloves, 2 dirty sports bras, 2 pairs of sliders, and 3 jerseys, in the back seat of your closed car for 4 days it's really going to smell bad.

My goodness, I will never do that again.. I was in a hurry when I got home on Sunday, it was datenignt.. I drove one of the other cars all week..
 
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