New poly couple going slowly,somewhat.

jrrmjr820

New member
Hello everyone,

Well, as some background, hubby, let's call him M and I are embarking on our first foray into poly. We have always discussed bringing in another man to our relationship. M is bisexual but not biamorous and I am straight and polyamorous. We just figured that being married with two young children, lets call them B and Q, we could only just talk about it.

Well my sister, N, came to us 2 months ago and told us that she is entering a polyfi mff triad with a husband and wife who also have 2 young children. So we realized that it didn't have to be just talk so we began our search for an at least bicurious man to enter our relationship. Well, we have found a potential partner, let's call him D.

We have met him in person once so far and have determined that we do have some chemistry. We have been emailing and messaging and texting for going on two weeks. We will be seeing him again on Wed for some more getting to know you time. He is also married with two young children and a mono wife, we'll call her L. She knows that he is poly and is supportive but doesn't want details. We have hope that if this works out that she will at least meet us and possibly become a good friend as we all have a lot in common.

I asked both M and D if they would mind my starting a thread about this on here as a way for me to get out the joys and any sorrows or frustrations that this process dishes out. We plan to take the bedroom activities slowly and see how things go. M is a sub and so he is not very take charge in bed and that is okay with me some of the time. D is an alpha personality so he likes to take charge in bed and that appeals to my equally sub side.

I am a true switch when it comes to that stuff. It just depends on my mood. M and I are into some BDSM and have recently joined a group for that side of us. D has no experience in that area but has said he is willing to explore it as he becomes more comfortable. The things that I like require my partner to take charge and M will do so if asked but it is not his preference.

Labels aren't that important to me but I am not sure if we would be a triad as the 3 of us will have sexual contact with each other or a quad as he is married but she won't be having sex with either M or me. Any suggestions on that? Well, I will be adding to this as things progress.

Jrrmjr820
 
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Sorry about that, I didn't realize that it was quite that long and the iPad isn't letting me scroll through it to fix things. Is that better? I ran upstairs and fixed it on the computer. It should flow much better now.
 
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Well, I am getting excited for our get together with D tomorrow. We will do more talking and getting to know each other and he will meet my sister and the kids. N will take B and Q down to play Lego in the playroom so we can have adult conversation without the kids around as we are introducing D as a new friend of ours. I have hope that things will continue to progress and that this will turn into something mutually beneficial and longterm. We shall see how it unfolds.
 
Well, it seems like this journey may end before it even starts. :( D says that he is not sure if he is ready yet due to things that he is still carrying from the past. He is concerned that we will head down this path and he will end up pulling out and hurting us. I told him that we all have baggage and that I think that we need to at least try. It is my choice to risk being hurt and I am willing to risk it. Even without our collective baggage, there is the risk of all of us being hurt down the road if this doesn't work out. We are going to talk more later and I will let you guys know how it goes.
 
Well, D is not coming over tonight. :( He is going to take a couple of days and think and decide if he really wants to try with us or not. I am willing to be hurt if he is willing to try as there are never guarantees in life and especially love.

However, if he just wants to chat with me and exchange naughty words and pictures and set up future meetings that he will then back out of like tonight, I want a clean break.

We have too much chemistry and I don't think that I can be "just friends" with someone when there is this much chemistry as evidenced on our first meet up and never be able to act on it. It's too hard and not fair to me.

He agrees with me but has asked for a few days where we both think things over. I have let him know that the ball is in his court. If he is wiling to try to make things work then I am all in but if he just can't then a clean break is best for all of us especially considering we both have 2 small children to think of in addition to his wife.
 
Well, apparently, my post has upset D and so he said he no longer needs a couple of days. I guess he took my venting as portraying him as an asshole which I guess I can see but wasn't my intention.

He did tell me he might not be ready but I asked him to try so he kept on even though he was still having a hard time. I wish that after that first time and he felt that way that when I asked him to try he would have just said no and ended it then.

I thought that I could just be friends with him as a like minded person if he truly didn't have an interest but i got more attached than i realized and i just can't do that and be fair to any of us.

He says that he was trying not to dwell on it so,that he could try to get to a place to move forward since that is what I seemed to want which is true. I did, however, tell him on more than one occasion that if he felt he couldn't so it to tell me and he kept on keeping on all the while telling me that he was coming over tonight for talking and play time.

Of course, I was disappointed today when found out that he was not coming for sure. I needed to vent and start putting up walls in preparation of rejection. I was honest with him before starting this thread that sometimes I would be venting on here and that if he read anything that he didn't like to come to me and ask about it. Instead, I think that he grasped at what I wrote as the catalyst to do what he wanted and needed to do anyway, end it with me before we went any further.

I can respect that but it doesn't make the last two weeks disappear. I guess that I am making rookie mistakes. I will you guys know how things go on our journey to add more love to our lives.
 
Well, another day has gone by and we aren't much closer on our journey into the poly world. I know that you shouldn't rush things but it feels like I failed myself by pushing my square peg too hard into D's round hole of a life.

M has been super busy the past year or so and I am lonely. I am hoping that with finally exploring my poly side that I can find someone to connect with that M gets along with and possibly also connects with.

I hope that eventually, we can get to a point that when M is gone a lot the new guy can help me by giving me adult interaction, love and cuddles and of course adult play time. That when M is home, we can all interact and enjoy time spent together.

B has what is either ringworm or a bad spider bite, I will know better tomorrow. I hope that whatever it is that it heals quickly and that she doesn't get too sick from it. Q is hilarious and frustrating. Tonight, M had an event to attend and Q kept coming up to me and saying, "Mommy, my need to talk to you por a min," me..."what do you need budbud?" him..."When is my daddy coming home and is he coming in his twuck? Whewe is his twuck?", lol. That went on for an hour.

Well, I will keep this updated as we continue on.
 
We have had ups and downs as well. Just hopefully coming down the hill of our last hump. Hubs and I also have 2 kids. Wait till you find a square hole for your square peg ;) I think my peg is a octagon lolol. And finding another octagon takes time
Good luck!
Chris
 
Thanks, Chris. I guess I am just feeling discouraged is all. B seems to have a bug bite but I am not sure. We are going to watch it for today and will call the doc tomorrow if it isn't improving as she says that it really hurts. :( On an excited note, we are doing a virtual academy with her and her books and supplies will be here today. The only thing they still need to send is her hardware and that should come in a few weeks.
 
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I homeschooled for a few years. Never used the VA. (would have been a heck of a lot cheaper thats for sure!) Mine just went back to PS in January. Mainly because oldest wanted to join band.. 7th grade this year... sigh..

Add on the oldest is also going through allergen immunotherapy. I have to give him shots at home every other day for the next year.

:( poor kid on the bug bite. Sometimes those can get nasty.

Sometimes being discouraged happens. Even when things are going better theres still moments. :) It get better Im sure
chris
 
B is going into full-time Kinder this year. We are very excited. The VA provides 90% of everything that she needs including the art and science supplies. The only thing we have to supply are the basic school supplies and common household items and some books that we can get at the library. They will also place her in the right levels for math and reading/language arts. Since she is already reading,writing and adding, subtracting, etc., we think that she will place out of K for those two subjects.

The other cool thing about this particular curriculum is that it is mastery based for K-8 so she can move ahead at her own pace in all subjects. I don't want to put the name of the VA or the curriculum since these forums are searchable and I wouldn't want someone searching for them to stumble across this blog.

As to our search for the one, I guess that I just need to learn patience. Although, at the age of almost 30, it might be hard to change that trait, lol. I guess that I just got excited that it was so easy to find D and that he and M had so much in common that I was blinded to the problems. He contacted us and seemed so right.

Then, he said he wasn't ready emotionally and so we discussed having playtime NSA for awhile and he didn't mention any problems for the next week until Wed when he informed me he wasn't coming, that he couldn't do NSA after all. That upset me because if he hadn't led me to believe that he could, I wouldn't have continued down that path with him. I could have done just friends before that week of sharing and messaging and apparently growing more and more attached to the idea of him in my life in a different capacity.

Oh well, I need to move on and realize that it was better to truly know he wasn't the one even just for playtime with us and possibly more in the future.
 
Well another day is coming to a close and it was long. We got B's school books and materials and now I need to go and buy her basic school supplies soon. I will be spending the weekend rearranging the house to store her school stuff away from brother's little fingers and the art supplies away from both of them so that they don't get used when they shouldn't. M has another event tomorrow and N is heading off to a relative's house for the week to get a break.

She will be back next Sat until the 2nd and then she's going to FL to see her sweeties and see how they all do as a family unit with her and the kids in the same house and they've decided to add on a fourth member so they may be a polfi quad instead. I wish her luck. I guess that if I was bi like she is things would be easier but I'm just not. Oh well, we'll find the right guy when it's the right time.
 
Well, she def had a bug bite, it's a lot better now. M had a great event today and B has her next reading class tomorrow. I will be doing a lot of rearranging tomorrow to make room for B's school stuff and N's dresser that our cousin gave her. Once N moves to FL, we will give the dresser to Q and get rid of e changing table provided that he is finally potty trained by then. We are stronger than ever in our marriage and I know that when we find the right man to add we'll be stronger and closer than now.
 
Had an okay weekend. I didn't get to rearrange as M had to go help a friend and when he got home, I had to leave to take B for her reading class. The teacher told me that B is one of his strongest readers and he teaches through 3rd graders. :) We are so proud of her. We think that she does great but it is nice to hear it from an unbiased source. No progress on the poly front but we are working on it. Q is working on his use of the word I and that is going okay. M is annoying me in that he had 2 events in a row and then chose to,be gone today too. I really need to get the house set up for schooling B in the next few weeks. I would like for it to be set up ASAP so that I won't have to worry about it once we start.
 
Another day and feeling down. :( I just don't know what to think or feel right now. M's friend is back in he states for the summer and he goes to him at every beck and call. All I wanted from him was a couple of hours to get the school area set up and, he didn't have time. This is really part of why having another man around will be nice, if we can ever find one. I just wish that M wanted to spend time with me when it wasn't about sex or something that he wants to do. I am lonely darn it and I need to feel needed and respected. I don't know if this is me or the pmdd talking though, lol. B is getting more and more excited about starting school and Q is growing and learning everyday. Grrr, we are hungry why couldn't he help with this stuff after dinner? Or, how about he should have gotten everything at he needed from his storage unit yesterday when M took him. Well, I'll check in later.
 
I am either very stressed or something is up. My cycle is weird and I feel pregnant but it's highly unlikely as M had a vasectomy 3 years ago next week. As we have only talked about looking into poly, he would be the only possible father if there is a baby coming. I am going to go with stress or af being especially nice or even saving it all for one big whammy of a day where I won't be able to get out of bed or something. If it doesn't straighten out by Friday, I'll go get a test and go from there. I am not going to complain if stress has caused me to have an almost nonexistent period. I almost wish that M would read this blog so that he knew what I have been thinking and feeling lately as I haven't had time to talk to him about it not to mention that he would just get angry with me. *sigh *
 
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I have had a few times where I was super late. And I didnt even feel stressed. After 8 days I finally tested lol. Finally started on the 10th day. In the past few years mine has become super erratic. Im going to the doc on the 2nd and getting on birth control. Which is something I havent used in almost 8 years(hubs is snipped also lol) Its a good idea to have when your in poly relationships as well. lol
Chris
 
I am not late, it started on time but it is only super light pink/brown intermittent spotting and this is the 4th day of that. My period usually starts light and then by day 2 or 3 is super heavy for 3 or 4 days and lasts about 8 days total. I am not getting on any bc until we actually find a compatible person as we have a high deductible plan for insurance and will have to pay everything until we hit $2400 in costs and after that we still pay 10% until we hit $4k. We did buy a lot of the kind of condom that I have to use and I am really good at tracking my cycle. I am wondering if it's pregnancy because we had sex the day that I ovulated and I have been reading that sometimes, vasectomies fail and hubby has a thing that he does that could make that more likely that we didn't think of that when he had it done. My first guess is stress though as we have had a lot of stress lately with all that has been going on. Thanks for your words though, Chris, it helps to know that someone is actually reading my posts.
 
I have worried multiple times about vasectomy failing lolAnd honestly hubby and I have sex almost every day so its a sure bet we hit ovulation time every single month.
You have been stressing alot with the school planning etc. It takes a toll sometimes. ANd as you age it will be different. Since I hit 30 things have been crazy in the hormone department. Dont worry to much because as you age things change. (things Im finding out month by month) Doc explained that the hormonal changes will mess with the cycle a lot more than you realize. :) Good luck :D
Chris
 
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