Baby + Independence. Does that even work?

Kaytleen

New member
Hi together,

I have tried to find some advice in various relationship/baby forums but always got the same answers, from standard couples, that simply didnt help in any way, until I stumbled across this forum.

I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship:
I have a main partner (male), and another (female). My main partner has another (female). It all works incredibly harmonic between all of us. Now my main partner and me want a baby together. We are both at a good point in our careers, live stable lives, have our own flats, etc.
Now the only problem is I'm suddenly afraid to loose my independence. Which has always been very important to me. Now he says that we will figure it out, that he will support me. That's nice, but I don't want to be dependent of him, or anyone for that matter. Even when it comes to paying dinner, we always have discussions, because I feel uncomfortable being invited (except if we take turns), but he defines himself as being old-school...
Even though I know, I have him, my family, my friends, I kinda need the feeling of being able to do it on my own with a baby, and I don't have that right now.

little sidenote: my second partner has a child, and his second partner aswell - not from him though.

Anyone here had similar experiences/feelings?
I'm grateful for any advice..

Kaytleen
 
In what way will you be dependent on him? You have a job so I'm assuming maternity leave. A place of your own to live and ate have stable so there isn't a reason for you to be dependent other than relying on him to do his share of childcare so you can have a social life and career.

It sounds like Co-parenting isn't a good option for you. Perhaps have a baby alone with no other Co-parent. Or wait to have a baby as I believe if you were ready you wouldn't have these doubts.
 
Hi,

Thank you for your reply.

Unfortunately I live in a country where you don't get Maternity leave in terms of, you get the same income. What you get is kind of a benefit from social welfare, which is less than half of my salary, that would be enough for rent, bills and food. But for things like transport, medical care, and basically everything else it wouldnt suffice. - So I'm most of all worried of being financially dependent, which I can't stand.

The thought of having a baby with him, and together raising is a wonderful thought and is something that I really look forward to. A family in a polyamorous relationship is something that I was dreaming of for some time. And even the other two partners, his and mine, are looking forward to it. We are already a family, and we support each other and I have only that one single doubt.

I didnt have an easy life when it came to financial Independence and Ive worked very hard to get, where I am today. The thought of getting back into certain situations, or history repeating itself is what scares me.
 
The thought of getting back into certain situations, or history repeating itself is what scares me.

Sounds like your fears are very present right now and I'd also encourage you to wait until you are more at peace with the notion of DEPENDENCE. The truth is, when you have babies and young children, you are very dependent on people. Whether you pay them or co-parent with them or look upon them as beloved family, you are dependent upon others to help. Nobody can bear and raise children truly on her own. If you want a harmonious experience, you have to make peace with dependence first. Otherwise, you'll be bumping up against your fear of it all along the way.

Children bring out every single solitary unresolved fear and issue in their parents. You can't shore up enough assurances of independence to make your fears of needing others go away. Our "issues" come roaring to the forefront and swirl all around our child rearing experiences - that is one reason the parent-child relationship is so intense. Do all the internal work you can to settle and come to peace with your fears of dependence before you have children.
 
Here's what I am hearing. Please correct me if I am wrong:

  • I would like to have a baby with my partner one day.
  • I am open to coparenting and all that with him.
  • But I also need to know I could do it on my own with a baby if I have to so I can have peace of mind about it. I value my independence and I don't want to be financially independent on him in the pregnancy/early childhood window.
  • And I don't have that kind of financial security right now.
Is that it? If so? Save money up. Then have baby later. Then whether partner can help like he thinks or if it turns out the reality of it is more like you are doing it "single mom" style... you are prepared either way financially and you get the peace of mind you are craving on that front.

There's other issues to sort out for complete peace of mind -- but start with finances. Then you can sort out social support -- family, friends, babysitters, etc. And so on down the line. Thinking about it all at once sounds like it is overwhelming you.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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@FallenAngelina: Thank you, your advice helped me out very much. I think this might be even something good, to face my fears, learn to grow in them. Thank you very much!

@MightyMax: Valid point.

@GalaGirl: Youve summed it up perfectly ^^

Thank you all for your input. I think I need to find my balance between creating security, as in save up money, and grow/learn in my fear of dependence. Don't feel that overwhelmed by those fears anymore. long way to go, but feeling more relaxed about it now. Thanks again :)
 
Regarding the concern about financial security.... you said that the welfare type funding would be enough for rent and food, etc. but not medical bills too. But would it be enough for rent, food, and HALF of the medical bills? While I realize you don't want to depend on your partner financially, don't you think that if that person plans to be the parent of your child that half of the financial responsibility is actually their obligation? If you wanted to have the child completely on your own and not share parenting, sure, the burden is yours. But 2 parents means 2 people with obligations. So I'm not sure why you would be concerned about not being able to handle the financial part unless you have some concern that the relationship will end before the baby is born and you'll be stuck with the bills. In which case, I'm not sure what the legal rules are where you live about who would be responsible and if you could hold the other person accountable for part of the cost.
 
I personally don't see the financial aspect as being the main one. A child needs more than financial back-up. A child needs more than one adult to have a healthy life. I don't mean (more than one) adult: I mean (more than) (one adult), if you understand the mathematical use of brackets. Put simply, one adult and lots of RESPONSIBLE minors would do. (Although this might cause financial problems.)

In short, a child needs more than one person to love, and more than one person to love them. Children AREN'T independent, and you shouldn't have a goal of your child being dependent ONLY on you.

Worst case scenario. You have a child who in some way dissatisfies your partner (wrong sex, "ugly"*, mental problems, physical handicap, Down's Syndrome, autism...) who "gives it a [feeble] go", then retires, defeated. Then again, he might just get bored... of you and/or the child. He can either wish to continue a relationship with you but disassociate himself from the child or (more commonly) abandon you as well. It can happen and has done (many times).

If you're not ready for admitting that you need others, you are in NO way ready for this scenario.

Best case scenario. You have the child, all your partners (and their partners) fall in love with him/her, not to mention everybody you ever come across. You have NO trouble finding a [free] babysitter ANY time that you want, because everybody considers the child as part of their family. And yet that never makes you feel jealous or possessive. It can happen and has done (not so often, but, HEY!, let's shoot for the moon).

Your reality is likely to be somewhere between those 2 possibilities. How close to one or the other depends largely on YOU. You can't make somebody love your child. but you CAN choose to have a child with the kind of people who can't help but love children... whatever difficulties might arise.

As others have written: if in doubt, don't do it (yet).

* Ugliness is in the mind of the arseholes who judge people's worth by looks.
 
When you mention independence, do you just mean financial, or legal as well? Do you want to be the sole legal guardian of a child, so you don't have to share decisions? (And custody, if the relationship ends)?

The path of the intentionally single mama is not an easy one, but it is valid.
 
Unfortunately, independence costs money. The more money you have, the more independent you can be. Babies cost money too, a lot of money. So, to have a baby and a lot of independence as well, you'd have to have a major source of income from somewhere. This might mean spending most of your time at work, away from your baby. Assuming your job pays well.

I know, I'm being a wet blanket. Sorry ...
 
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