Im not sure what to title this..

tecklemino

New member
Actually, im not even sure what my question is. Maybe i just need to organize my thoughts...

So, i am in the military. I am combat arms, in a position that deploys half of every year. During the time that i am home, i am usually away on TDY in training. I end up being home about two months a year when you put it all together.

I am barely a husband to my wife because of how much i am gone. I talk to her as often as i can when i am gone, but its not the same as being here. I love my wife, she is amazing. We have been married for over ten years, and i have been gone, fighting in wars for most of those ten years.

Im thinking about trying to find a couple for my wife. I know there are a lot of "unicorn hunters" out there... so, im sure we would have plenty if takers. My wife would prefer a couple anyway. Especially if they are willing to get her out of the house every once in a while when i am gone.

Its hard on her. For half the year, every year, she worries that i might not come home. It is not unfounded fear... 8 of my friends have died in just the last year. And that is not counting the 40 or so that preceded them over the years.

We are thinking about trying to find a couple that might learn to love her and be willing to invest time in her. As long as they treat her well and dont try to disrespect me, i would have no issues with it. Better yet if i can share some hobbies with them.

Does this sound like a bad idea? My wife is bisexual, so she could love both parties in a couple romantically so long as she clicks with them.

I wont get out of the army. I have lost a lot of friends, but i have also saved a lot. I keep deploying to hot spots because i am one of the best at what i do, and i am really good at bringing my guys home. To date, i have not lost a single soldier who is subordinate to me, and i get requests all the time from various ODA's for support because of my track record. It is not in me to say no to them. Last year a team decided not to bring me for some reason. Four of them died, and i believe i could have prevented it had i been there.

I dont expect anyone to understand where i am coming from. But i would like to hear other peoples experiences, if it relates.

It would be much easier for me to do what i do if i KNOW that there are people who care about my wife and daughter enough to take care of them while i am gone. I would feel indebted to them...

We have been doing this all on our own for a long time. It has been hard, but very rewarding.

So what do you think? I would be fine with my wife taking a "second husband" too, so long as he is not an ass...
 
My only advice would be to let her take the lead in exploring new, potential connections, and don't make it your project. If this is something she wants and you support it, wonderful. Let her take the lead. Offer support from the sidelines.
 
My only advice would be to let her take the lead in exploring new, potential connections, and don't make it your project. If this is something she wants and you support it, wonderful. Let her take the lead. Offer support from the sidelines.

My wife is the one who brought it up. To be honest, i likely won't even be around when she meets someone she clicks with.
 
I have a job in which I was gone two months at a time. My wife and I were poly. She was more into a casual fwb booty call type thing. It worked out fine even though I did have some jealousy issues at first. Be prepared for that.

I agree with River that you should just let her explore at her own pace.
 
Military career is one of those tricky things.

If this came out -- that you guys are practicing poly -- would you or your family take dings from the military itself or your military community?

If all that is ok enough and you feel safe enough?

Im thinking about trying to find a couple for my wife. I know there are a lot of "unicorn hunters" out there... so, im sure we would have plenty if takers. My wife would prefer a couple anyway. Especially if they are willing to get her out of the house every once in a while when i am gone.

Let wife take the lead. It's not really your job to find her people to date. She's the one spending the most time with them.

Hopefully everyone gets along ok in the way that you hope. But as with all dating -- remember that not everyone one dates is a long haul runner. That's what dating is FOR -- to find the compatible ones.

Be prepared for this to end in ways you don't expect -- even down to everyone single. Hopefully not. But going in having made peace with that already makes it a bit easier if the cards do happen to fall that way.

Like hope for the best, but plan for the worst. (In military life you probably already know that in other ways and scenarios.)

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi tecklemino,

I would think it would not be hard for your wife to find a couple, there are many couples out there who are looking for a "third." Just make sure they treat your wife with respect, and let her have a fair say in how things will be conducted. Sometimes unicorn hunters forget that their "unicorn" is a person and not just a toy. Usually the biggest issue with a couple is that the wife of the couple gets jealous. In other words, that wife, the other wife, would get jealous of your wife. That other wife would get jealous of your wife's relationship with the other wife's husband. And then the other husband (the husband of the couple) would back his wife, and would kick your wife to the curb. Or your wife would get so tired of putting up with the jealousy, and the increasing restrictions, that she would leave voluntarily, having taken a lot of emotional damage. I'm not saying this is what would happen, but it is a common scenario so watch out for it.

Keep us posted as your situation evolves, and we can give updated feedback/advice.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
The poly unicorn concept, either women (or occasionally men) presenting themselves as a unicorn, or couples on the hunt for one, rarely work out long term.

I understand you think a nice settled couple might be best, for your wife, to allow her to have her sexual needs met. And to be cared for. And to have support as she raises your daughter. And she likes men and women, being bi. But there's no guarantee she'd meet a stable MF couple who really know how to share and respect a new female partner. Usually unicorn hunters are naive and new to polyamory and have lots of unrealistic ideas. And you have unrealistic expectations as well.

Do a search here for unicorn to see how many horrible experiences people have had trying to do the unicorn thing.

A single person, either male or female, is probably more capable of being sexually satisfying, and being able to care for your wife. This person could be polyamorous, with a spouse or another partner already (whom they do not plan to share). Or they could be monogamous but poly friendly, especially since you're so seldom home.

Your wife may be much more likely to end up with a girlfriend and a boyfriend, who are NOT in relationship with each other, than to find a couple with whom she has chemistry for both, and they both have desire for her.

And the obvious question is, if your wife is having new hot sex with a new hot partner or two, how will you feel? Will you be envious? Jealous? And are you interested in another partner? What do you do for sex 10 months of the year? You've been getting by with masturbation all these years?

I recommend you check out the website morethantwo.com, to learn more about polyamory basics, rather than going with an idealized dream of a perfect stable poly couple to take care of your wife for 10 months a year, forever. Like Gala said, it could take a long time to find even one other significant other who is compatible. Dating is hard. Mistakes are made, hearts are nicked. People let you down. People seem compatible during infatuation and then disappoint. There are also sociopathic narcissists out there who present as the perfect person until they hook you and start to abuse you. Etc.

Look into it well for a year or two before she jumps into dating sites and the wild and woolly world of poly dating. And yes, it's her job to scope out potential partners, date them, see how it goes. It's not your job to do that. That's called hot-wifing and is not going to get you the kind of person you seem to want for your wife. Or that she seems to want. I guess you think it would be fun to get on dating sites on your down time overseas and do this? Well, your wife can show you profiles she's looking at. But it's not a good idea for her to share too much information. It's betraying the privacy of her dating partners to share every detail with you.

Anyway, all this and more is on morethantwo.com.
 
I have a job in which I was gone two months at a time. My wife and I were poly. She was more into a casual fwb booty call type thing. It worked out fine even though I did have some jealousy issues at first. Be prepared for that.

I agree with River that you should just let her explore at her own pace.

How difficult was it to initially handle the jealousy issues? Was it overwhelming? How did you conquer or contain your jealousy? Did you ever had feelings of compersion in regards to her booty call? This compersion is very similar to swinging relationships where both partners enjoy hearing and/or watching one another have sex.
 
Did you ever had feelings of compersion in regards to her booty call? This compersion is very similar to swinging relationships where both partners enjoy hearing and/or watching one another have sex.

No, compersion is really nothing like the arousal a swinger might get watching or hearing their SO have sex with another.

Compersion does not include becoming sexually aroused. Compersion is vicarious pleasure. When my gf tells me something about sexual things she and her bf do, I feel the same as when she tells me they went to a nursery and enjoyed picking out plants, and later setting them in the ground. Or that they watched a certain movie or football game and had fun doing it. I am glad she had fun. I am not aroused by imagining it.

When I feel joy seeing a 5 year old jumping on a trampoline and laughing, I feel vicarious pleasure. It's a joy to me to see that kid having lots of fun. Especially if it's a kid I like or love. But I don't wish to join them on the trampoline, or even imagine myself jumping.

I love my nesting partner and I want her to be happy. Whether that happiness entails a certain sex or kink act, or just going for a canoe trip, it doesn't matter. I am merely happy for her either way. I rarely even feel envy. If she watches football with her bf, I think, oh, I don't like football, I'm glad I don't need to watch it with her. If she gets sushi (my favorite food) I might feel a twinge of envy, but I know I can get sushi with her, or just for myself, soon anyway, so it's not a problem.
 
Well, my wife ended up finding someone who seems to have his shit together. She had to get a little tipsy to respond to his first message(social anxiety), but they have been talking for almost a month now and have gone on a few dates. They were intimate on their last date and she came back home horny as hell lol. She was worried about how i would react, but it made no difference to me. I was just glad she was happy. We shall see how things progress, but so far it looks good.

We have been poly for a while now, i probably should have mentioned that. In fact, my girlfriend lives with us.
 
How difficult was it to initially handle the jealousy issues? Was it overwhelming? How did you conquer or contain your jealousy? Did you ever had feelings of compersion in regards to her booty call? This compersion is very similar to swinging relationships where both partners enjoy hearing and/or watching one another have sex.

The most difficult part was keeping it to myself...lol. All it took to get over it was a little reassurance from her and some intraspection. I did feel compersion because I was happy that she was happy. No, I don't derive any pleasure from hearing, watching, or imagining my partner with another man.
 
Hi tecklemino,

Thanks for posting that update, it is great to hear that things are going well with your wife and the new guy. My take is that she should continue seeing him, while keeping you posted on how things are going. Can I ask, are you at home right now, or are you currently deployed (or on TDY)? and are things going well with your girlfriend? Post again when you can.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I am at home right now. Im always bouncing in and out though, ill be gone again soon.

Things are going well with my girlfriend. She is quite a bit younger than my wife, but is better able to handle finances and take care of animals. My wife and girlfriend get along great. We would not be able to have most pets of it weren't for my girlfriend.

To be honest, my girlfriend is probably the main reason i can deploy right now and not have everything go sideways at home. That said, my wife loves her like a sister. They cuddle, even share a bed when i am gone, but they are not romantically interested in each other.
 
Sounds like a V configuration, you as the hinge, your wife and girlfriend as the ends of the V. Well actually maybe it's an N, now that your wife is seeing the new guy. In any case you have a situation that works for the three/four of you, and that's what counts.
 
Way to bury the lead, Tecklemino!!!

I'll say! I'm so confused. Why would there be 2 women committed to the same guy, who is only there in the flesh 2 months a year? I've never understood the psyches of military wives, much less a poly gf who makes do like this, instead of getting a boyfriend/husband who she can actually hang out with and sleep with every night.

Maybe they are just very very patriotic and put their perception of the military keeping our country "free" over their own comfort and personal security.
 
I see your point

No, compersion is really nothing like the arousal a swinger might get watching or hearing their SO have sex with another.

Compersion does not include becoming sexually aroused. Compersion is vicarious pleasure.
In many ways I see your point. The compersion-like sentiment in sex I am talking about is the fact that you enjoy your wife getting pleased by another man. Very often, you do not want to join in. It is not necessary for you to join in. BTW it is possible that you are not aroused by your wife having sex with another man, and still enjoy watching her or telling you about it. In some ways, the man is empathizing with his wife how good the sex is even though he is not a woman. As a straight man, he would want an equivalent sexual experience with a woman and as a bi-man he would have greater empathy with her having sex with a man who he's (bi man) is also attracted to.:):)

Now if you are saying that compersion must include non-sexual things I could agree with you but enjoying your wife having sex because she fundamentally enjoys it and she is expressing this emotion the very least must be considered one aspect of compersion. Poly people of course enjoy compersion concerning non-sexual and also sexual activities.
 
I'll say! I'm so confused. Why would there be 2 women committed to the same guy, who is only there in the flesh 2 months a year? I've never understood the psyches of military wives, much less a poly gf who makes do like this, instead of getting a boyfriend/husband who she can actually hang out with and sleep with every night.

Maybe they are just very very patriotic and put their perception of the military keeping our country "free" over their own comfort and personal security.

Maybe i just make it worth it to them? Whatever the case, they don't stay with me out of a sense of patriotism. That notion is kinda absurd. They both know they are free to live as they want, and that is exactly what they are doing.
 
In many ways I see your point. The compersion-like sentiment in sex I am talking about is the fact that you enjoy your wife getting pleased by another man. Very often, you do not want to join in. It is not necessary for you to join in. BTW it is possible that you are not aroused by your wife having sex with another man, and still enjoy watching her or telling you about it. In some ways, the man is empathizing with his wife how good the sex is even though he is not a woman. As a straight man, he would want an equivalent sexual experience with a woman and as a bi-man he would have greater empathy with her having sex with a man who he's (bi man) is also attracted to.:):)

Now if you are saying that compersion must include non-sexual things I could agree with you but enjoying your wife having sex because she fundamentally enjoys it and she is expressing this emotion the very least must be considered one aspect of compersion. Poly people of course enjoy compersion concerning non-sexual and also sexual activities.

For me, i just like seeing my wife and girlfriend happy. My thoughts dont really go any farther than that. I wouldnt try to pin any of it to sex specifically. I feel no emotional difference between my partners being happy because they just had sex versus them being happy because they just got a new puppy.

All i really care about when it comes to them is that they are happy with who they are and how they are living.
 
The poly unicorn concept, either women (or occasionally men) presenting themselves as a unicorn, or couples on the hunt for one, rarely work out long term.

I understand you think a nice settled couple might be best, for your wife, to allow her to have her sexual needs met. And to be cared for. And to have support as she raises your daughter. And she likes men and women, being bi. But there's no guarantee she'd meet a stable MF couple who really know how to share and respect a new female partner. Usually unicorn hunters are naive and new to polyamory and have lots of unrealistic ideas. And you have unrealistic expectations as well.

Do a search here for unicorn to see how many horrible experiences people have had trying to do the unicorn thing.

A single person, either male or female, is probably more capable of being sexually satisfying, and being able to care for your wife. This person could be polyamorous, with a spouse or another partner already (whom they do not plan to share). Or they could be monogamous but poly friendly, especially since you're so seldom home.

Your wife may be much more likely to end up with a girlfriend and a boyfriend, who are NOT in relationship with each other, than to find a couple with whom she has chemistry for both, and they both have desire for her.

And the obvious question is, if your wife is having new hot sex with a new hot partner or two, how will you feel? Will you be envious? Jealous? And are you interested in another partner? What do you do for sex 10 months of the year? You've been getting by with masturbation all these years?

I recommend you check out the website morethantwo.com, to learn more about polyamory basics, rather than going with an idealized dream of a perfect stable poly couple to take care of your wife for 10 months a year, forever. Like Gala said, it could take a long time to find even one other significant other who is compatible. Dating is hard. Mistakes are made, hearts are nicked. People let you down. People seem compatible during infatuation and then disappoint. There are also sociopathic narcissists out there who present as the perfect person until they hook you and start to abuse you. Etc.

Look into it well for a year or two before she jumps into dating sites and the wild and woolly world of poly dating. And yes, it's her job to scope out potential partners, date them, see how it goes. It's not your job to do that. That's called hot-wifing and is not going to get you the kind of person you seem to want for your wife. Or that she seems to want. I guess you think it would be fun to get on dating sites on your down time overseas and do this? Well, your wife can show you profiles she's looking at. But it's not a good idea for her to share too much information. It's betraying the privacy of her dating partners to share every detail with you.

Anyway, all this and more is on morethantwo.com.


I probably should have responded to this sooner. Sorry, i live a very busy life. If i were deployed or TDY, i probably would have already responded to it.

Anyway, i have been polyamorous for most of my marriage. Im aware of how i will emotionally respond to situations. My wife suffers social anxiety, so if i am helping her meet people, it is in that context. I am helping her get past the panic of first contact. Its not a hotwife thing. I am trying to help her learn better coping skills for her social anxiety. Basically, help her develop memories in which she benefited from confronting and accepting those fears, but acting anyway.

As for my wife having sex with people, i already know how i will respond to that emotionally. About the same as if she tried a new icecream and really liked it. Falling in love is a bit different... that feels more like seeing her finish a degree she has been working toward.

As for what i do when i am deployed or TDY, yes, i get by with masturbation, or simply focusing on my work. That might not make sense to most people, but there are more pressing matters on deployment than getting laid.
Sometimes i do take my team out, pay for a good night, and party a bit, if i get the chance. I have on rare occasions danced with a few girls while deployed during such times, but that's about it.

I am demisexual, so i dont really connect with anyone that i know will not be in my life for a long time. I am simply not interested in other people when i am away. I would much rather communicate with my current partners and help them achieve whatever it is they want to do in life. The biggest reason both of them are still with me is because i do whatever i can to help them achieve what they want in life. Nearly a decade ago, i decided that my goal would be to make sure that i could prepare my wife to be happy without me. That meant i had find a way to make sure she knew she could do anything and everything in the event of my death.

It is no different for my girlfriend. Employment, education, life goals, planning, self development, resilience... i want to help her with all of it. I am good at planning those kinds of things so that goals are actually met.

That is why they stay with me. That is why they are committed to me. I do not restrict them from having other lovers. They are free to date and love others as they please. I find ways to either give them what they want in life, or help them get it themselves. That is what I get out of it. The knowledge that i am doing something positive in the lives of those i love.

Plus, they keep me pretty sexed up while i am home. :D
 
Back
Top