I’ve been here so many times

Polytechnical

New member
Hi guys - I’ve just got to question why I keep falling down the same rabbit hole. I’m 46 and divorced and have quite a history of being attracted to attached men. I don’t go looking for them, but they certainly find me.

I have been the OW to two men. One of whom cheated with me in two consecutive relationship. The second time round he was dabbling with being poly. In the end he chose to keep the relationship closed and ghosted me after 2 years (that hurt) but in total we’d been off and on for 11 years.

So anyway,it’s taken a couple of years to get brave enough to even look again. This week I met a guy who is in an open relationship. He’s not poly, he’s very clear about that.

So my question is, as another partner, am I just a booty call or is it ok for me to make requests? What are the rule as the OP?

It’s early enough to get out if it’s bootycall central, I don’t want that. But I’m also not looking for hearts and flowers either.

Any help would be gratefully recieved. :0)
 
Hi guys - I’ve just got to question why I keep falling down the same rabbit hole. I’m 46 and divorced and have quite a history of being attracted to attached men. I don’t go looking for them, but they certainly find me.

I have been the OW to two men.


Hello and welcome to the forum.

I'm guessing that by OW you mean "other woman"? It's just a guess.

Why not simply type out "other woman" so folks have not got to guess what you're meaning to say? I notice you abbreviated at least one other thing with initials. Why not type out what you actually mean to say?

There are a billion abbreviations by way of strings of letters. I can't remember them all. Can anyone? Please just type out what you mean to say. Thanks.

Edit:

I read, "I’m 46 and divorced and have quite a history of being attracted to attached men."

That might have read, "46 D & H of B A M". How would I know?
 
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Let's stick to the question the OP asked, shall we, River?

as another partner, am I just a booty call or is it ok for me to make requests? What are the rules as the OP?

So, he's open but not poly, ie probably not looking for an emotional escalation. You obviously like each other enough to want to be sexual, but it's more an NSA thing.

So what are your rights/the rules?

I'm going to jot down just a few things that would be core to me.

1. it may be a booty call but I also expect conversation between that isn't just arranging the next sex date.
2. if we're having sex then he better move heaven and earth to see me if I'm in hospital because of something really unforseen.
3. I want to know someone will contact me because he's in hospital from something unforseen.
4. Every single one of my requests should be heard. That is, I should be able to say them without fear. The answer may be no, or an adaptation of the original request, but if I don't feel I can speak up for myself... no sex is that good.
5. The rule I impose on myself is to be courteous to his primary relationship. I'm not going to demand time that isn't mine. I expect his primary partner to not sabotage our time together, either.
6. I'll keep my own life ticking along thank you very much. He has NO say in who else I date.

This is some of the ways I roll, especially when I was single and they weren't.

Evie
 
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Welcome.

So my question is, as another partner, am I just a booty call or is it ok for me to make requests? What are the rule as the OP?

It’s early enough to get out if it’s bootycall central, I don’t want that. But I’m also not looking for hearts and flowers either.

Any help would be gratefully recieved. :0)

I guess I wonder why you don't have the confidence to simply state what it is YOU are looking for? And what you are NOT looking for? Doesn't it make dating easier to just say so up front?

You could tell your dating partner "Hey, I wanted to be sure we're both on the same page. Could we talk about that? (obtain consent.)

No judgement or anything. I myself am not looking for a bootycall situation. I do/do not care if you have someone else in your network for that.

I'm also not looking for hearts and flowers either. By that I mean things like ....(give examples.)

What I am looking for is something more like....(Describe it.)

It's fine if you want a booty call person or something more romantic hearts and flowers type. That's just isn't going to be a match with me though.

What is it you are up for? Not up for? "

And then get on with it.

Maybe this visual aid gives you ideas. Or just print it out and use it when you talk. Maybe some stuff is "No never" and other stuff is "could change over time."

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/eb/6...Mgy6EVZC2BeyTecRgyjA8NIx58StU5jQnsh8wiZNAiPmY

Just because you are dating a person who is in an open relationship? That doesn't mean you don't have to do the "dating things" like actually talk about what it is you are up for and not up for.

Just cuz they are a hinge doesn't automatically make them "the boss" of what happens between you and them. You both could make the "rules" or "agreements" you both want to abide by together.

To do that? You have to talk to find out if you are actually compatible. So go ahead and talk it out. Be a little more assertive.

That would be my suggestion.


He’s not poly, he’s very clear about that.

Could also ask...

"Ok, not into poly. You do open relationships. What's that mean to you? And what do you do if attachments DO happen? Maybe you fall in love with a dating partner... Do you break up with them? Renegotiate agreements? What?"

So you know what to expect before signing up for more here.

Galagirl
 
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Hello and welcome to the forum.

I'm guessing that by OW you mean "other woman"? It's just a guess.

Why not simply type out "other woman" so folks have not got to guess what you're meaning to say? I notice you abbreviated at least one other thing with initials. Why not type out what you actually mean to say?

There are a billion abbreviations by way of strings of letters. I can't remember them all. Can anyone? Please just type out what you mean to say. Thanks.

Edit:

I read, "I’m 46 and divorced and have quite a history of being attracted to attached men."

That might have read, "46 D & H of B A M". How would I know?
thanks for the welcome! OW is commonly used on the Internet! Sorry you find it so offensive. I assumed (naively) I’d be able to have an adult conversation about something that isn’t easily discussed. I was wrong, I shall leave this here and figure it out for myself if this is the level I’d be dealing with.
 
Nxre3f

Let's stick to the question the OP asked, shall we, River?



So, he's open but not poly, ie probably not looking for an emotional escalation. You obviously like each other enough to want to be sexual, but it's more an NSA thing.

So what are your rights/the rules?

I'm going to jot down just a few things that would be core to me.

1. it may be a booty call but I also expect conversation between that isn't just arranging the next sex date.
2. if we're having sex then he better move heaven and earth to see me if I'm in hospital because of something really unforseen.
3. I want to know someone will contact me because he's in hospital from something unforseen.
4. Every single one of my requests should be heard. That is, I should be able to say them without fear. The answer may be no, or an adaptation of the original request, but if I don't feel I can speak up for myself... no sex is that good.
5. The rule I impose on myself is to be courteous to his primary relationship. I'm not going to demand time that isn't mine. I expect his primary partner to not sabotage our time together, either.
6. I'll keep my own life ticking along thank you very much. He has NO say in who else I date.

This is some of the ways I roll, especially when I was single and they weren't.

Evie
Thank you Evie,


What I have established so far after talking to him last night is that it’s probs to NSA for what I’m looking for. What you described in you post is what I’m looking for. Just basic curtesy. Conversationin between and a generally taking some degree of interest in me as a person. He knows this, I have told him. That’s not forthcoming so I’m going to nip it in the bud.

You’ve made me feel better about what I want. And why I keep getting into the same type of relationships.thank you x
 
thanks for the welcome! OW is commonly used on the Internet! Sorry you find it so offensive. I assumed (naively) I’d be able to have an adult conversation about something that isn’t easily discussed. I was wrong, I shall leave this here and figure it out for myself if this is the level I’d be dealing with.

I honestly didn't know what you were saying. No need to fault me for not knowing. You chose the word "offensive". I'd choose the word "inquisitive".
 
I honestly didn't know what you were saying. No need to fault me for not knowing. You chose the word "offensive". I'd choose the word "inquisitive".
I can only assume you enjoy arguing... your tone was rude, argumentivative and very unwelcoming. I’m not going to engage with you further. If I wanted an argument I’d discuss this with people that have no insight into non-traditional relationships. But, way to go! You made me feel even more isolated than I did before I joined the forum. Good work, mate! Good work!
 
I can only assume you enjoy arguing... your tone was rude, argumentivative and very unwelcoming. I’m not going to engage with you further. If I wanted an argument I’d discuss this with people that have no insight into non-traditional relationships. But, way to go! You made me feel even more isolated than I did before I joined the forum. Good work, mate! Good work!

I simply made a reasonable request, which was to please use whole words rather than abbreviations which not everyone will understand. If you want to cut off all communication with me on this basis, that's fine. The "tone" thing was largely of your imagining, though I will admit that I do sometimes feel flustered by people talking in little acronyms and expecting that we all know what they mean.

But isn't that okay? Isn't it okay for me to express such frustration? Aren't you also human? Don't you ever express frustration at anything? Can you not be more forgiving and understanding of others? Maybe you could even try to understand my point of view or my experience? I REALLY didn't know what your acronym pointed to. And you basically told me that I SHOULD and that it's not acceptable to ask what it means or to ask for you to type out whole words for smoother communication.
 
I can only assume you enjoy arguing... your tone was rude, argumentivative and very unwelcoming. I’m not going to engage with you further. If I wanted an argument I’d discuss this with people that have no insight into non-traditional relationships. But, way to go! You made me feel even more isolated than I did before I joined the forum. Good work, mate! Good work!

I agree. River's pedantic style has often pissed me off. I'm sorry he dinged you. Please don't take him as a representative of the generally helpful atmosphere here.
 
I simply made a reasonable request, which was to please use whole words rather than abbreviations which not everyone will understand. If you want to cut off all communication with me on this basis, that's fine. The "tone" thing was largely of your imagining, though I will admit that I do sometimes feel flustered by people talking in little acronyms and expecting that we all know what they mean.

But isn't that okay? Isn't it okay for me to express such frustration? Aren't you also human? Don't you ever express frustration at anything? Can you not be more forgiving and understanding of others? Maybe you could even try to understand my point of view or my experience? I REALLY didn't know what your acronym pointed to. And you basically told me that I SHOULD and that it's not acceptable to ask what it means or to ask for you to type out whole words for smoother communication.

River, a quick google informed you of what OW means. We also have a glossary of poly acronyms here on the board. Please drop it. You're really derailing the thread.
 
I agree. River's pedantic style has often pissed me off. I'm sorry he dinged you. Please don't take him as a representative of the generally helpful atmosphere here.
Thank you for the support... I’m just going to ignore all further posts from him from here on. :)
 
I agree. River's pedantic style has often pissed me off. I'm sorry he dinged you. Please don't take him as a representative of the generally helpful atmosphere here.

Yeah, remind me never to make a simple, reasonable request again, lest I be treated like some kind of freaking monster.
 
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Yeah, remind me never to make a simple, reasonable request again, lest I be treated like some kind of freaking monster.

By the way, the terrible thing I'm held guilty of here is meta-communication. But I guess saying so is "pedantic". Sheesh.
in any other forum your posts would be considered flaming.

Pedantic is a very kind description of your posts. Would it not be better to concentrate on threads where you are interested in the discussion?
 
in any other forum your posts would be considered flaming.

Pedantic is a very kind description of your posts. Would it not be better to concentrate on threads where you are interested in the discussion?

I am NOT here to derail the thread. Nor am I here to be badmouthed and called names and ridiculed. I simply made a request that you please spell out words so I and others don't have to guess what you're trying to communicate.

You say I'm rude because I didn't know what OW meant and said so ... and requested that words be spelled out. Then Magdlyn and you decided to gang up on me. Now you say I'm "flaming". I find all of this ridiculous and unnecessary. I didn't do anything so terrible and evil as you say I did. I mean, fer gawd's sake, you decided you'd never read or respond to any of my future posts because of my terrible, terrible blunder of asking what OW meant and suggesting not using such abbreviations.

I find all of this accusation of me quite untrue and unfair and I'm done here with it all. It's RUDE and mean spirited.

I can't even believe this is happening, to be honest. It's plain ridiculous! I asked for information about a freaking acronym!!!!!

in any other forum your posts would be considered flaming.

Pedantic is a very kind description of your posts. Would it not be better to concentrate on threads where you are interested in the discussion?

This is an absurd, ridiculous and uncalled for accusation. I think you're the one doing the "flaming".

My question about OW was NOT rhetorical. I really did want to know. I was attempting to understand your post so that I could make an informed comment.
 
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Greetings Polytechnical,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Even though the guy you met this past week is not poly, I still think it is okay for you to make requests of him. He can say no, of course, but hopefully he would do so politely. Just figure out what you want in a relationship, and discuss that with him. And if you have more questions for us, don't hesitate to ask. I'm glad you're here, I hope your experience on Polyamory.com will be a pleasant one.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I am NOT here to derail the thread. Nor am I here to be badmouthed and called names and ridiculed. I simply made a request that you please spell out words so I and others don't have to guess what you're trying to communicate.

You say I'm rude because I didn't know what OW meant and said so ... and requested that words be spelled out. Then Magdlyn and you decided to gang up on me. Now you say I'm "flaming". I find all of this ridiculous and unnecessary. I didn't do anything so terrible and evil as you say I did. I mean, fer gawd's sake, you decided you'd never read or respond to any of my future posts because of my terrible, terrible blunder of asking what OW meant and suggesting not using such abbreviations.

I find all of this accusation of me quite untrue and unfair and I'm done here with it all. It's RUDE and mean spirited.

I can't even believe this is happening, to be honest. It's plain ridiculous! I asked for information about a freaking acronym!!!!!



This is an absurd, ridiculous and uncalled for accusation. I think you're the one doing the "flaming".
I’m confused! What are you hoping to gain? As previously stated, acronyms are in the forum glossary. If you are confused a polite request for clarification would have been responded to postively. I’ve made it clear I do not wish to converse with you, but you carry on. Why? Just post elsewhere. You have completely derailed the thread so let it die. I would have blocked you this morning had there been a facility to so so, but alas, there’s not.
 
Greetings Polytechnical,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Even though the guy you met this past week is not poly, I still think it is okay for you to make requests of him. He can say no, of course, but hopefully he would do so politely. Just figure out what you want in a relationship, and discuss that with him. And if you have more questions for us, don't hesitate to ask. I'm glad you're here, I hope your experience on Polyamory.com will be a pleasant one.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
thank you! Will block now

I have been here before but can’t remember my login. I’ve come to realise that it’s me that’s poly. It’s not going to work with him, but I’m going to use this forum as a resource to explore it, and understand myself a bit better.
 
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Hi Polytechnical,

I'm glad you're still okay with participating here, I know it's been a rough start.

If you have any trouble blocking River you can use the following link ... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/profile.php?do=addlist&userlist=ignore&u=111

If you want you can also turn to the mods for help ... Emm is probably your best bet.

Sorry your first experience on this thread has been problematic. :( FWIW I don't mind if you use abbreviations, I can always ask you what they mean.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Polytechnical,

I'm glad you're still okay with participating here, I know it's been a rough start.

If you have any trouble blocking River you can use the following link ... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/profile.php?do=addlist&userlist=ignore&u=111

If you want you can also turn to the mods for help ... Emm is probably your best bet.

Sorry your first experience on this thread has been problematic. :( FWIW I don't mind if you use abbreviations, I can always ask you what they mean.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
thank you, that’s really helpful, he’s now blocked.

FWIW: for what its worth
 
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