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Thanks for your input, Dagferi :) I know there are a lot of people who are just so busy they either don't have time to reach out, or they forget to. Even my boyfriend is sometimes horrible about remembering to answer my texts; he *reads* them, but he's in the middle of something and plans to reply later when he has more time/mental bandwidth, and by the time that happens, he's forgotten I texted. But he and I have discussed that, and he's made it clear that it has zero to do with whether he wants to talk to me, and everything to do with time being a finite thing and him sometimes having more to do than there's time for.

Likewise, with Hubby, I've had numerous discussions about his tendency not to spend time with me, and he's finally gotten it through my head that that's just the way he is, and has nothing to do with me. He loves me and wants me around; he just isn't good at being around people in general.

Presumably with the majority of the people I know who don't respond to messages and don't reach out to me, it has nothing to do with me. It's just who/how they are. But with people I don't know as well as I know Hubby and my boyfriend, I have trouble believing they like me or want to be around me anyway, and not getting responses to my messages or not hearing from them for months or years on end reinforces my fear that they *don't* like me.
 
I have an adorable grandson. That is all.

(Alt is now living with their boyfriend; the grandson is Alt's boyfriend's from another relationship. Which makes him Alt's stepson, and therefore my step-grandson, but it's shorter to just say grandson.)
 
And now for something completely different...

Sex positivity and body positivity.

I've been told I have a "complex and complicated relationship with my body." Which I guess is pretty much accurate. Between things that were done to me when I was young, the extremely sex-negative "lessons" my mother force-fed to me about sex, and the way my kids' father acted about sex, I gained a very negative impression of it. From early on, I fought to prove to people that I wasn't "dirty" or "nasty" or a "slut"...which meant avoiding guys, even guys I liked, and being extremely passive sexually.

It hasn't been that way a hundred percent of my life. There have been two or three brief periods of time when I've felt completely positive about sex and fully believed it was a healthy thing when done in a healthy way, and that there was nothing wrong with me wanting it or having it if I chose. But those times didn't last; two were before I met my kids' father, who completely destroyed all of it, and the third was between leaving him and meeting Hubby, and unfortunately some of the things Hubby said early in our relationship undid the progress I'd made before I met him.

I blogged about this a long while back, during my last relationship, that my extreme difficulty asking for anything to do with sex was negatively impacting me, because I wasn't enjoying sex with either partner (one partner was Hubby; the other was my ex who broke up with me over a year ago) and was afraid to tell either of them that I wanted something different. In part because I was afraid of what they would think of me, and in part because I wasn't entirely sure what "something different" might be, I just knew I wasn't getting what I needed.

I've come a long way since then, but still go through times when I struggle to even say I want to have sex, let alone go through with it or ask for anything specific. My current partners are loving, patient, encouraging, accepting, and a whole bunch of other positives, so this is not about any of them, it's purely my brain at war with itself against all the shit drilled into my head in the past.

All that is compounded by waves of body dysmorphia, which has also been an ongoing thing since childhood. Being told by my mother that my body wasn't something to enjoy or want to look at, told by my grandmother that I was fat and dirty and no one would ever want me, and bullied by various peers who said I was fat and ugly... yeah, that kinda fucked with my head. So I've always struggled with that, and now I'm in my 40s, getting wrinkles, have extra skin from weight loss but I'm about 25-30 pounds heavier than I was when I first lost the weight in 2005... Some days I can look in the mirror and be content with what I see, and other days I see a grotesque monster body and can't understand why any of my guys would want anything to do with me naked.

And again, this has nothing to do with my partners. All of them tell me I have a gorgeous body. I'm "smokin' hot". I don't see it. Not even on my "content" days. I know neither Hubby nor my boyfriend would say anything untrue just to make me feel better, so I know they're telling the truth when they say the positive things... I just can't *believe* them.

I'm studying Witchcraft, which is very sex-positive and holds the body sacred... but sometimes when I read a book that talks about sex being sacred, or mentions sex magic, I want to throw the thing across the room because the echoes of the past start up in my brain screaming "No" and telling me the book is lying, sex is a horrible thing, I shouldn't even be reading that kind of shit let alone believing it or doing anything about it. It's having a serious impact on my studies. And this is something I WANT to learn.

I am in therapy. I just started a few weeks ago with a new therapist, and I have brought this up with her, but we aren't at the point of working on it yet.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to let go of the bullshit from the past when I *know* it's bullshit. I know the things that were done to me weren't sex, they were abuse. I know the peers who bullied me were either complete assholes or, as a few have told me, were jealous of me. I know my mother and grandmother had their own mental illnesses and other issues, and so did my kids' father. I know Hubby had no malicious intent whatsoever, he just didn't consider the effect his phrasing would have on me, and he's worked hard to make up for that.

And I get angry with myself because I have times now, more and more often, when I feel completely comfortable and confident sexually. Powerful, even, in the sense of claiming my own power. (As a book I read put it "power within, not power over".) But every time I think "Hey, I'm feeling really good about this"... I regress and the bullshit reel starts playing in my brain again, made worse now because I know what it feels like to be positive about sex but I can't seem to hold onto it, and that makes me feel like I'm really messed up.
 
And I get angry with myself because I have times now, more and more often, when I feel completely comfortable and confident sexually. Powerful, even, in the sense of claiming my own power. (As a book I read put it "power within, not power over".) But every time I think "Hey, I'm feeling really good about this"... I regress and the bullshit reel starts playing in my brain again, made worse now because I know what it feels like to be positive about sex but I can't seem to hold onto it, and that makes me feel like I'm really messed up.
I don't think getting angry with yourself would be very beneficial or productive for you. While reading the last bit you posted, which I quoted, it occurred to me that perhaps you could try to accept that the process of moving forward in claiming your power, and feeling comfortable with your body and with sex, also happens to include taking a few steps backward. Taking a few steps forward and then a step backward is a natural part of the path, I think. So, instead of beating yourself up because you think you've "regressed" or failed in some way, you can say to yourself, "Oh, here I am in that phase where I feel like I'm moving backward again." And then ask yourself what kind of compassionate acts you can do to help yourself through this phase, instead of getting impatient with yourself.

In another forum I visit, someone started a thread about exercising self-compassion instead of self-criticism, and posted the following from a website on how to be more compassionate towards oneself :

From https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201206/20-uses-self-compassion:

(The exercise is at the end of the quote)

Compassion by Adriel Socrates.
Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/adriel_socrates/5587721593/ License: Creative Commons. Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)
Fellow PT blogger, Dr Kelly McGonigal, has an excellent phrase "Self-compassion beats self-criticism any day, and in every way."

In my therapy practice, clients often express that they want to try out self-compassion, but then strike a problem. When they're having "a moment of suffering," the self-compassion model doesn't get activated - they don't think at the time "Oh, this is a time I could use self compassion." To help you get started learning when to use self-compassion instead of self-criticism, here are 20 examples.

Here Are 20 Examples of When to Use Self-Compassion

1. When you're trying hard but what you're producing isn't as good as you'd like it to be. Try giving yourself compassion for the feelings of frustration and disappointment.

2. When you're comparing yourself unfavorably to someone else/other people.

3. When you've made a mistake and you're feeling guilt or shame.

4. When you would really like to be perfect and, in fact, aren't. Or, any other unattainable striving trap you're caught in (see number 17 on this list for more info about the trap of "unrelenting standards").

5. When you're stuck in traffic and feeling harassed and harangued because you know you're going to be late for an appointment. You're criticizing yourself for not leaving earlier.

6. When you're perceiving yourself to have a big weakness, flaw, inadequacy, or as unlovable.

7. When you're having a recurring problem and feel lost, confused, or overwhelmed about how to solve it. Try giving yourself compassion, understanding, and kindness for the lost, confused, overwhelmed feelings.

8. When you're having a problem of "doing what you know." There are two types of problems - knowing what to do and doing what you know. A "doing what you know" problem is when you know a strategy that would likely help you but aren't doing it. For example, you know exercise helps lift your mood, but you're not trying it even though you're feeling depressed.

9. When you find yourself trying to use self-criticism to motivate yourself to change your behavior even though you've read the research showing it's ineffective and usually has the opposite effect.

10. When you want to use self-compassion but you feel confused about how to do it. Yes, you can use self-compassion when you're struggling with self-compassion.

11. When you've broken one of your "rules" e.g., about eating.

12. When you've done avoidant coping and you're now suffering the negative consequences e.g., you've avoided having an awkward conversation and now the situation has turned into a bigger mess.

13. When you're feeling angry, jealous, envious, entitled, or selfish and you're criticizing yourself for having those feelings.

14. When you're thinking "should" thoughts e.g., "I should be over this problem already" or "I should have made more progress" Tip: You can try changing "should" to "could" or "prefer" e.g., I would prefer to have made more progress.

15. When anxiety, other emotions, or competing demands, are making it hard to enact a value (e.g., you want to leave work on time to see your family but you're anxious about leaving something unfinished).

16. When you've treated someone you care about badly and you're feeling guilty or ashamed about it.

17. When you're experiencing regret about a decision you made.

18. When you had an opportunity to learn a lesson previously and have repeated the same mistake.

19. When you want to do the right thing now but you're worried it's too late e.g., you've lost touch with a friend or relative you care about and you feel embarrassed about making contact.

20. When you're unsure about what decision to make (e.g., whether to leave a relationship) and you're criticizing yourself for feeling uncertain or ambivalent.

How to Be Self-Compassionate

Try a three minute writing exercise. Spend that time jotting down how you would talk to yourself if you were treating yourself in a kind and understanding way. Or, just talk to yourself. Self-compassion needs to include 3 components.

1. Mindfulness (Acknowledging that you're a having a moment of suffering)

2. Common Humanity (Acknowledging that suffering is part of life. You can also acknowledge that whatever type of suffering you're experiencing is probably something a lot of your fellow humans can relate to. Self-criticism tends to make us feel different from other people, isolated and lonely. Self-compassion involves a sense of common humanity).

3. Kindness (Acknowledging that your desire for yourself is to be free from suffering, regardless of how your own behavior might have contributed to your/others' suffering. You might also acknowledge your desire for any other people involved to be free from suffering, if applicable).

This 3 pronged model of self-compassion is from Dr Kristin Neff.

Learning to be self-compassionate is a skill. It might take awhile before you feel good at it. As previously mentioned, if you feel like you're "sucking" at it, you can give yourself compassion for this too :)

FWIW, I think even the most confident-seeming people periodically waver in their self-confidence. It is normal. Sometimes I feel sexy and attractive and other times I feel like a dumpy old lady no one would possibly want to fuck. I have been caught off-guard by seeing a reflection of myself and being shocked that I am as heavy as I am, when I was walking down the street feeling not fat at all. And what happens is my self-esteem plummets and I beat myself up, but then I make efforts not to head off in that direction. Sometimes it takes a long time to get out of the headspace of beating myself up, but I know that getting angry with myself for being me isn't going to get me anywhere. I think it's always most difficult to have compassion towards ourselves rather than others.

But I guess that what I mostly wanted to say is that even though you have those times that feel like you're back at Square One, you're not. Feelings aren't facts, and feeling like you lost your confidence and sex positivity doesn't actually mean that you haven't come a long way. Those feelings of defeat or bleakness don't negate all the work you've done to get past the messages from your past. So, I hope you find something in the above helpful in some way.
 
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But I guess that what I mostly wanted to say is that even though you have those times that feel like you're back at Square One, you're not.
Oh yes. I've been reading your blogging a little less then a year now. You're absolutelly not at square one - actually you've done an amazing journey in those few months. I think that's a nice thing to remember in self-doubt :)
 
Thanks, both of you :) Cyndie, I'll read that info and check out the link another time. (Borderline migraine; I can't read that much text on the computer screen today.)

To clarify, though: I don't beat myself up for the regressions. I am not so much angry with *myself* for them as I'm angry at my past and the circumstances that currently leave me unable to hold onto the progress. Most of the anger is toward my mother and grandmother and ex, and all the other people who've filled my head with bullshit... and even more than that, it's anger at the bullshit itself and at the knowledge that I CAN be strong and powerful and confident but some external shit that I've unknowingly internalized is fucking with that.

Toward myself, I do get a little upset, but mostly I know that healing and growth are not forward linear things. I've been on this journey for over a decade now. I know that I am going to regress, and I am going to struggle even when I think I've overcome something. I don't *like* it, but I recognize it as part of the progress. And I can see how far I've come, especially since I've been involved with my boyfriend, who even though I'm not sure he realizes it, has done more to help me in my trauma recovery and overcoming my past than any of the therapy I've had over the past decade. He and Hubby both make sure to regularly call that progress to my attention as well, especially at the times when I'm ranting and railing against the regressions.

When I do regress, it is never as far back as I was before I made the progress. And each time I regress, it's for a shorter amount of time, and I make more forward progress after I've gotten past it. It's sort of a two-or-three steps forward, one step back thing.

My boyfriend has pointed out to me a few times that it isn't entirely reasonable for me to expect others to love me if I don't love myself, and also that if I don't love myself, I might not notice that others love me. And he and Hubby have both told me they love me as close to unconditionally as is possible for a human; they accept my flaws, my difficulties, my struggles, my emotional wonkiness, etc. So if they can love me that unconditionally, I kind of owe it to them as well as myself to love myself the same way. I'm working on it.
 
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Depression is a dick, and anxiety is a bitch... I've spent the past few days fighting my way through PTSD flashbacks, condemning myself for having the audacity to even consider that sex might be a positive thing, and fearing that Hubby and my boyfriend will get tired of me never seeming to make progress and will eventually give up on me.

The self-condemnation is directly related to the flashbacks, since some of what caused the PTSD are also the primary factors in my difficulty dealing with sex in general and my own sexuality in particular. So fighting one helps combat the other, but since it's a dual attack, it's exponentially harder to fight sometimes.

The fear is complete bollocks, and I know this. Both of my guys tell me over and over that they understand I don't *choose* to have these problems, and that they love me as I am, struggles and all, and are happy to help me fight and to take care of me when I need them to. And as pointed out previously, I *am* making progress. It's just hard for me to notice or acknowledge the forward momentum at the times when I'm falling back.

I'm feeling a little better today, hence actually blogging; one of the side effects of the blog bullshit a few months ago is that I've become very wary of posting anything when I'm in a low mood, lest someone once again go behind my back to warn people that I'm "crazy" and "dangerous." Because some people are asswipes.
 
I was just reading Reverie's most recent posts. In one, she was talking about a woman who unfriended her on Facebook because Reverie was too busy to meet up, and the woman apparently doesn't consider someone a "real friend" if there's no regular in-person contact. I can see that woman's point. To me, "friend" equates to "regular contact". It doesn't necessarily have to be in person; I can consider someone a friend if I at least chat with them regularly and see them once in a while (geography permitting). But there are way too many people with whom I don't chat regularly if at all. They aren't my friends. They're just names on the sidebar of my Facebook feed.

Yesterday, my boyfriend asked me who I was going to reach out to this week. I don't know why he asked that; I met the goal I'd set, and given the results of it, I don't plan on reaching out to anyone else. And I'm pretty sure I had told him that when he asked me what the results were of trying to meet that goal. That was in the morning before I went to work. I had a crap day, so I called him when I got home and asked why he had asked me that; he couldn't remember, said it just made sense at the time in the context of our conversation.

(At the point when he asked me that, we were talking about the witchcraft book I'm currently studying... There was nothing I can remember at all in that discussion that had anything to do with reaching out to anyone.)

That was part of yesterday's struggle. His asking me that reminded me of how few people actually responded when I reached out, and of the fact that NONE have continued the conversation since then. Which left me feeling shitty, unwanted, and ignored. My boyfriend talks about being part of "communities" and seems to believe I'm part of at least one or two... I have no bloody clue why, because I don't feel like I'm part of ANYTHING other than my marriage and my relationship with my boyfriend, and sometimes I don't even feel like I'm part of those.

When I followed up with him last night after work to talk more about it, I told him I don't see any point whatsoever in continuing to reach out to people who didn't answer me the first time, or who talked to me for a few minutes and then stopped answering. All that does is reinforce my belief that they *don't* want to deal with me and that I *don't* belong to any frigging "communities," because if I did belong and people did like me, they would talk to me, wouldn't they?

My boyfriend said that he reaches out to people who don't respond, and he keeps reaching out. But he doesn't have my lack of confidence. As far as I can tell, he believes people like him unless they show otherwise. So to him, reaching out to them and not getting a response doesn't mean anything other than that they haven't responded yet.

But I believe people *don't* like me unless they show otherwise, so to me, reaching out to someone and not getting a response, at least within a few days, just proves they don't like me. To me, even typing "hi" on Facebook and clicking send is a waste of time if I don't believe I'm going to get a reply. And meanwhile, various people in my life either tell me flat out or heavily imply that the fact that people don't generally tend to actually act like friends toward me or even act like they like me is ENTIRELY MY FAULT because I don't act the way I'm apparently supposed to act.

I consider that bullshit. I own that I sometimes come across as stand-offish or shut down in groups. That's a side effect of the social anxiety and of the fact that I'm shy, but I don't expect people to know that if I haven't told them. But even when I think I'm coming across as open and friendly, my boyfriend or whoever I'm with invariably tells me later that the people I met thought I was stand-offish and didn't want to talk to them or didn't like them. Even if I think I'm acting the opposite of that. And even on the occasions when I am having a hard time acting "appropriately"... I am not the only person involved in the interactions, therefore it cannot be solely my fault if people decide they don't like me or don't want to continue contact with me.
 
Had another long discussion with my boyfriend last night about the friendship stuff, and how hard it is for me, and why it's hard for me, to believe people like me when they don't have contact with me.

Or that they like me at all, for that matter.

I'm feeling a little better. He said a lot of the people I've met through him, several of whom I would like to consider friends, are often really busy, but that some of them have said good things about me to him. I need to work on thinking differently about what "friendship" is and about myself as someone people might actually want to get to know and become friends with, I guess.

Meanwhile, I forgot to say that I saw Tie Guy on Friday, and told him I'm not in a head space right now where I can add another relationship to my life. Friendship, yes, but not relationship. He doesn't do FWB, as far as I could tell from our conversations, so we said we would stay in touch and that was that.

Site Guy messaged me last night to ask if I could see him tonight. I said yes, but this morning had second thoughts. The distance isn't a huge bother, but his only being available late at night is, especially when I haven't been sleeping well the past few days and have an early morning doctor appointment tomorrow. So I messaged Site Guy a little while ago to cancel. He said not to worry, we'll try another time, but since he's usually only able to make time on Wednesdays we can't get together for at least two weeks, since next Wednesday I'll be getting ready for the trip my boyfriend and I are taking.
 
My mom taught me that if you want to have a friend, be a friend. Also, that everyone is self conscious and wants to be liked. They might be just as self conscious as you, but are faking it.

Take an interest in them. Ask them questions about their lives. Everyone loves to talk about themselves. Also, after chatting a bit, ask the ones that live closeby if they want to get together for an activity. Even something very simple, that costs nothing or next to nothing. Go get a cup of coffee or whatever. Take a walk in nature. Those are just 2 suggestions, sky is the limit.
 
Thanks, Mags. Sorry for not responding sooner; I somehow missed that you had posted.

I do try to take that advice when meeting new people. My problem is that even if I have a successful first meeting with them, I don't believe they actually want to be my friends. Especially if, as often happens, we do say "Oh, yeah, let's get together again" and then that never happens.

The not happening is partly on my side; I don't want to bother them. Which is another thing I'm working on. But it's also partly on their side, because again, if two people are interacting, both are responsible for that interaction. (Or lack of.)

It's also more about the people I have met and have interacted with more than once; most of them, I hear from rarely if at all, even if they seem friendly toward me. To me, that means they aren't my friends. I have a hard time connecting with people, and if I don't hear from them for long stretches of time, whatever connection there is usually fades and disappears. But I know most people aren't like that. I realize that for most people, "keeping in touch" isn't required for a friendship. I can't understand how that's a thing; I have a block about it the way GFT has about understanding how a relationship is a relationship if there's no escalator.

But I don't *need* to understand it in order to accept it and try to change my thinking. On an intellectual level, I can recognize that most of the people I'd like to be friends with, with whom I don't have regular contact, probably do consider *me* a friend. The lack of contact doesn't mean they don't like me or don't want to be bothered with me; it simply means we don't have regular contact.

My boyfriend is working with me to help me build up my self-confidence, because a lack of that is behind many of the difficulties I have. I'm also working on changing how I think about some things, especially sex. Hubby's backing me on all this work as well. Mostly, if I can recognize why my thoughts about something aren't necessarily accurate, I can find a more accurate--and therefore more healthy--way of thinking about them, and then work to catch myself heading down the negative thought path and correct my thinking to the new, more positive way.

I have a lot of work ahead of me, but with Alt and Country both out of the house (other than Country coming back for occasional visits during weekends and breaks), I have the time and space to work on myself and take care of myself, instead of putting all of that aside because other people need me to do other things. I've turned the room formerly known as Alt's into sort of a spiritual retreat room for myself, and I'm trying to spend at least a little time there every day partly for my spiritual studies and partly because it's a soothing space. Sometimes I'm able to gain insight through meditating in there, which is a bonus.
 
I have the time and space to work on myself and take care of myself, instead of putting all of that aside because other people need me to do other things. I've turned the room formerly known as Alt's into sort of a spiritual retreat room for myself, and I'm trying to spend at least a little time there every day partly for my spiritual studies and partly because it's a soothing space. Sometimes I'm able to gain insight through meditating in there, which is a bonus.
That sounds great KC :)
 
Haven't seen Country in a few weeks now... I don't know when or if she's planning to come back here to visit. I chat with her occasionally. Today she got mad at me because I was annoyed that the oil change place she went to tried to convince her that her car needed major repairs. She said I was overreacting, that she knows how to say no and she's an adult and can handle things like that herself.

I never said she wasn't or couldn't... But I'm Mom, and I'm going to be protective. I wasn't worried about her reaction to the pressure from the oil change folks, I was annoyed that they tried to take advantage of a young women who happens to be my daughter. She didn't seem to get that and stopped talking to me. She'll get over it.

Last week, my boyfriend and I visited his long-distance girlfriend, so I got to meet her in person finally. She's a sweetheart, and so is her husband. The trip was very nice, and very relaxing; I'm glad we were able to make it happen. We might try to make it an annual thing.

I'm fighting the "poor body image," "low self-esteem," and "sex negativity" demons hardcore right now. I'm using a workbook that's meant to help women gain a positive body image and positive view of their sexuality. So far, I read the introductions by the author and a couple of other experts in the field yesterday--and had a massive panic attack at just the prospect of beginning this.

Today I read the first chapter, without doing any of the exercises in it. I haven't had a panic attack, but I really, really don't want to keep going with this... but at the same time, I do, because I know it's something I need to work through. It's set up so you read a chapter and then go back to the beginning of that chapter and spend a week doing the exercises in it. I had to stop reading a couple of times today because I read something that hit a button, but I just paused for a minute or two then went back to reading it.

Tomorrow I have to start actually doing the exercises. That is not a happy prospect.

The whole thing is kind of terrifying, to be honest. It's a mega-huge shift in my way of thinking about myself and about sex, and while it's a shift in a positive direction, it's still a big change and I'm partly afraid that I'll be successful and partly afraid that I won't be.

My boyfriend's backing me up on it and says he'll do whatever he can to help me, I just need to ask and be specific. His long-distance girlfriend will help, I think, if nothing else by letting me vent about the book since she's the one who recommended it to me. I don't remember if I've talked to Hubby about it yet, but I'm reasonably sure his reaction will be the same as my boyfriend's... And I talked with my therapist about it at my last appointment and she suggested making it part of our discussions, which I think I'm going to need to do since I'll almost definitely be hitting some of my triggers.
 
I made it through the first chapter of the workbook, and it ended up not being as bad as I was afraid it would be. There are still two exercises I haven't done in it: a guided meditation, which I'm having someone else record for me to listen to because I know I won't be able to get into a meditative state to the sound of my own voice, and having naked or at least semi-naked photos taken.

I hate having photos taken anyway. The book claims that if you have naked or "boudoir" photos taken, you'll find at least one that makes you feel beautiful and good about yourself, but I strongly doubt it. Last time I had pictures taken that I was allowed to see, all of them made me feel ugly and old and gross--and I was fully clothed in those. (The person who took them, and someone else who was there and took a look, insisted that two of them were gorgeous... I didn't see it, though.)

I had pictures taken last month for a charity calendar, but I haven't seen those yet; the photographer who was doing the calendar has a policy of not letting their calendar models see the pictures until the calendar is released, because they've had too many people change their mind about being in the calendar when they saw their pics. The calendar is supposed to be out at the end of the month. I felt confident and positive about the shoot, so hopefully that'll show through in the photos...

Meanwhile, though, I have the feeling that if I have photos taken like that book says I should, it'll backfire spectacularly and I'll end up hating how my body looks instead of just not being happy with it. Obviously I don't *have to* do the photos just because the book says so, but part of me feels like I should anyway. Ugh.
 
Still haven't done the photos, but I'm on chapter 4 of the workbook and it's going better than I'd anticipated. I've noticed some major changes in the way I think about myself, my body, and sex, which is the desired result. I'm still not completely where I'd like to be, but then again, I don't know where I'll be when I finish the book. (7 chapters.)

It's been an odd month. Haven't seen Country since the Friday before Columbus Day, but she has to be in the city to work a convention at the end of the week, so she'll be staying here during that time. She texted me today to ask if it was okay for her to stay... it's like, yeah, this is still your home, you don't need permission...

I've seen Alt a couple of times, along with their stepson. Hoping to get my boyfriend up there at some point to meet Alt's boyfriend and stepson, since in some way or other they're his family too. At least the way I define family, which often includes people who are no relation whatsoever and excludes some people who are related by blood or marriage.

I've seen Site Guy once in the past month and a half or so. That obviously is never going to be anything more than it is: me going to his place on a weeknight after he gets home from his second shift job, for a couple-few hours of movie-watching and sex. With anyone else, I would have written the situation off, but he is a nice guy and I do feel like we're friends of some sort, if only because we've known each other a few years now.

I think I'm going to start dipping my toes back into the OKC and maybe FetLife waters (yes, I know Fet isn't meant as a dating site...) Because Hubby is Hubby, I lean on my boyfriend to what I consider an unfair and unreasonable extent for my social outlets and emotional support. In other words, he's the *only* one I lean on for the social outlets, and I lean on him more than Hubby for the emotional support, though Hubby's actually pretty good about that. I feel like it's causing an imbalance in the relationship; he has a LOT of people to look to for socializing and friendship and such, while I feel like I pretty much only have him.

I'm never going to be as outgoing as he is; that just isn't my personality. But I would like to have friends I actually spend time with once in a while, and another partner-ish sort of person. My ideal for that would be a situation similar to what I have with Site Guy, only more often, like once a week or at least a couple times a month, with more frequent communication between times. Site Guy sometimes texts me, and sometimes I text him, but it usually amounts to maybe 10 minutes of conversation total between seeing each other. At this point I haven't heard anything at all from him in about 2 weeks.

The complicating factors with finding another partner are that a lot of guys aren't going to be willing to date a woman who doesn't have anywhere to bring her partners, and I'm not comfortable going to the home of any guy who has a live-in partner. So that rules out a fairly considerable number of people. I've been really fortunate with the guys I have dated regularly so far; all of them have lived alone or with a roommate or two, and all have been perfectly happy to have me always go to their places once they understand it's out of respect for Hubby's comfort zone. (And mine, to be honest...)
 
Yeah, the online dating thing sucks ass.

I message guys and even the ones who say on their profile that they answer all messages don't answer. I revised my profile and posted a couple of new photos, but all that got me was some assfuck telling me my pictures made him hard and did I want to see. My boyfriend helped me compose messages to a couple of other guys; one answered and we had a great conversation for a couple of days, but I haven't heard from him since Friday; the other sent me a link to what, judging from the text of the link (which I didn't click on) was a porn video.

I blocked dick pic guy and porn link guy. My boyfriend's trying to persuade me to message the other guy, but I'm not inclined to. He stopped chatting in the middle of a conversation Friday, so something I said was the last message in the conversation. He's viewed my profile three times since then but hasn't said anything. To me that says he isn't interested, and I don't have time or inclination to chase some guy I talked to for a couple of days.

In the two months or so between S2 breaking up with me and meeting my boyfriend, I had conversations with several guys on OKC and AFF. Five of those conversations led to meeting. Three of those meetings showed some chemistry; two became very, very brief FWBs. But in the 14 months since meeting my boyfriend, I've messaged a number of guys, or responded to messages...

To the best of my memory, since some of the info would be in the blog posts that aren't here anymore, most of the guys haven't answered my messages. Of the ones who have or the ones who messaged me first, most stopped talking to me after a couple of days. I only remember meeting up with two; one was a Dom-wannabe I met on FetLife, who got pissed off when I wouldn't play with him on the subway after I'd specifically said we were meeting ONLY for coffee, and the other was Tie Guy, with whom there wasn't enough chemistry for me to continue seeing him, though we did have three dates.

So in two months in 2015, counting my boyfriend, I met 6 guys, and three of those meetings turned into something, though two of the "somethings" only lasted a month or two. But in 14 months from 2015 to 2016, I've only met 2 guys and neither have led to anything. (I'm not counting Site Guy because we already knew each other before he messaged me.)

Other than being involved with my boyfriend, who is mentioned (not by name, obviously) on my OKC profiles and is linked on my FetLife profile, I don't know what's different between now and August-October 2015, but it's really, really frigging discouraging. I've been on and off about being active on OKC, so I haven't necessarily been messaging guys the entire time, but the times I have been... it's been the same thing since last fall. No answers to messages, or brief conversations followed by the guy ghosting.

My boyfriend tells me to just spend time viewing profiles and sending out messages, but I don't have that much time to waste when odds seem to be extremely high that I won't get responses, followed by high odds that the ones who do respond will be dick-pic assholes, followed by high odds of guys ghosting. The way I'm seeing it right now, if I were to message 100 guys, one might lead to meeting, and that wouldn't necessarily go anywhere. I don't consider those good enough odds to waste time wading through profiles of guys who aren't compatible with me in any way despite what OKC says and then sending out messages to guys who might be compatible. And on FetLife, even though people have told me they message people on there and sometimes meet people that way, it's not set up for that and so it takes too bloody long to even find profiles of guys in my area, never mind reading them and sending messages. I've deleted my AFF profile, so OKC and Fet are my only current meeting people venues.
 
I posted in one of the "poly and looking" groups on FetLife. Two guys answered. One is considerably older than I would want to be involved with, and it sounds like he's only messaging me for the sake of conversation, not with the intention of actually meeting. Which is fine; I have no objection to talking to someone and becoming their friend if they don't fit my criteria for a partner.

The other guy who answered was Tie Guy...
 
Just an FYI...

In general, I have found that this time of year is not the best to look for potential dates/romantic partners. People are very busy and stressed with travel plans, family obligations, poly partner family obligations, gift-buying, office Christmas parties, money, end of year bonuses, etc., all of which seems to calm down in January. So, don't let yourself get too discouraged if there aren't very many responses around Christmastime.
 
That makes sense... The thing is, every time I've tried trying to meet potential people to date in the past 14 months, it's been the same. People don't answer, or they answer but prove themselves to be dickwads, or they answer and we have a few great conversations then they ghost. So I don't know how much has to do with the holidays and how much is just that I don't appeal to people...

Tie Guy and I've been chatting a bit. I keep thinking about giving him another shot, but there was no chemistry the first time round, and I'm not altogether keen on trying again on the basis that things might be different when they probably aren't. I'm just having a hard time saying so to him; when I told him I wasn't interested in dating him anymore before, I said it was because I'd decided I wasn't in a place where I could handle another relationship, which was true but wasn't the entire truth. I don't like hurting people's feelings, but it's worse to not say what's really going on, I guess.

Site Guy messaged me a few days ago after I hadn't heard from him in nearly a month. He said he'd like to see me again after New Year's. I would like to see him, but I don't know that I want to keep doing the "drive an hour each way to spend two hours naked" bit. If he and I talked more frequently, I would be able to look at this as a FWB thing, which I would be fine with, but given the infrequency of contact and the fact that we see each other once a month if that, I'm feeling more like a booty call, and I don't exactly like that. So I have some thinking to do about him too.

I haven't had any conversations with anyone else. No one's answering messages I send on Fet or OKC; no one's messaging me on OKC; no one's responding to my personal ad on Fet. That might be because of the holidays; I'll see if things change over the next couple-few weeks. But like I said, it's been like that pretty much since I started seeing my boyfriend, and it's seriously discouraging.

On the other hand, my boyfriend seems to be making a point of getting me out to socialize with other people he knows, and there are a number of poly and poly-friendly folk among his circles, so maybe I'll meet someone that way... at this point, given how much of a crapshoot online dating is, meeting someone through in-person socializing might be better. We'll see.
 
So because I'm me and my life works that way, once I decided I wasn't going to bother much with meeting guys online, I've been getting messages on OKC and Fet almost daily. I've answered several of them, and a couple of the guys I'm chatting with might make it to "I'd like to meet you" status. (Two other guys won't, because they refuse to accept "I'm not going to call you when we've only exchanged a couple of messages.")

I don't think I'll be seeing Site Guy again... he told me when we started off that there was only one night a week he could see me (don't know why; part of it's due to his work schedule, but I don't know why weekends were ruled out). Because of a change in my boyfriend's schedule, though, he and I switched our regular date night to the night that Site Guy claims is his only available night. I haven't heard from him since the last message I mentioned anyway; if he gets back in touch, I'll tell him I'm no longer available that night and see if he offers any other night or just writes me off.

I've agreed to another date with Tie Guy, but that won't happen until the end of the month because his schedule is packed.

My boyfriend took me to a small party at the home of a couple of his friends on New Year's Eve. That was really cool; I connected with a few people there, including one who lives near me and would like to hang out (platonically) and one who's working on starting a holistic wellness center sometime this year; they and I talked about me doing my energy healing stuff there.

Next weekend I'll be going to a con, which my boyfriend will also be at; we'll be sharing a room but won't necessarily be together the entire time. Which makes me nervous, because WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE. But at least this year I'll know some of them; last year, I spent a night with my boyfriend at the same con and it was tough because other than him, I only knew three people out of several thousand. But I've met more people since then who will be there, including the people I connected with at the NYE party. So hopefully it won't be as bad, especially since I'll be doing some work for one of the committees and so have to be there for the entire con.
 
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