... or, more accurately, talk about talking about sex.
My intention in starting this thread is mostly to seek reassurance that I'm not alone in having an issue like this. It gets long, because background.
I was brought up in a household where one parent, from the youngest age I can remember, told me my body was a nasty, dirty thing, and sex was a nasty, dirty thing, and if I wanted or enjoyed sex *I* was a nasty, dirty thing. (Parent #2 tried to ignore the subject--and me--while leaving porno mags all over the house.) Things other people said and did to me reinforced what parent #1 said.
My entire life became an attempt to prove everyone wrong. I wasn't a slut like they said. I had tons of self-control. I wasn't bad, nasty, dirty, or whatever. I could barely stand to let anyone touch me. Until 2006, I literally couldn't say the word "sex" without hesitating and cringing. Marriage to my first husband, whom I left in 2006, was a nightmare of having sex because he said I had to, and of completely shutting off my body because he told me I wasn't allowed to enjoy it because that would mean I was a whore and was probably cheating on him, but I had to *pretend* to enjoy it so he could feel like a man.
After I left him, I spent about a year and a half experimenting sexually, becoming comfortable with my wants and fantasies and actions (and body, and actually physically *feeling* things again), and accepting myself as a human being who could actually want and enjoy sex without it being a bad thing. It was good. I wasn't afraid anymore. I made progress.
Then Hubby came along in 2008. He said I could suggest anything I liked to him, and that if I wanted sex with him I should initiate, but when I did, he responded negatively and in doing so, undid the progress I'd made before meeting him. He taught me that initiating sex, and having sex in "unusual" positions (i.e. anything besides missionary or me on top) or anywhere other than the bedroom was unacceptable.
Since we opened our marriage in 2013, Hubby and I have done a lot of work on that. He's apologized many times for the impact his actions and words had on me. He's told me there was never anything "unacceptable" about my desires, curiosities, or *me*; he's admitted he reacted out of his own discomfort and should have just said "I'd rather not do that" instead of being judgmental. Those apologies have been accepted, but haven't undone the damage.
So now, I'm in sexual relationships with two men to whom I can't even bring myself to say, "Hey, I'd like to have sex tonight", let alone suggest trying something different, or somewhere different, or whatever. Both of them have told me they're willing to consider anything I suggest, but that doesn't help me actually speak up. It's safer to accept boring sex than to say "hey, let's try this new thing". Telling them I'm not happy with the situation is easy; I've had discussions about this with both of them. But it always comes back to "Tell me what you want to do and I'll consider it (or do it)", and even just telling them I want to have sex is too much of a risk sometimes. Left to their own volition, each of them tends to "paint by numbers", i.e. do sexual things in almost exactly the same way, same order, etc. every single time, even though I've asked them to try to be a little less predictable, at least sometimes.
At one point when I tried to explain all this to S2, his response was, "If you want to do something and can't say it, just do it"... but that's even more impossible, because to me, doing anything sexual to a partner that hasn't been done previously requires consent. If I don't say it, he can't say it's okay to try it.
Ironically, Guy, whose actions last fall (detailed in my blog, so I'm not going into it here) fed into this whole mess, is the only one I *can* talk to about sex... first, because I'm not having it with him, and second, because he has no filters and no judgment. But his only advice is "Just talk to them about it", because even though he knows my history, he can't quite comprehend not being able to talk about sex at all with partners.
So... long story short. Am I the only one who finds it difficult to talk about sex with sexual partners? How do you bring up sex-related stuff to your partners? How do you make suggestions about things you'd like to try when you aren't sure how your partner will react? Is there any hope here, or should I just resign myself to paint-by-numbers sex with my guys for the duration?
My intention in starting this thread is mostly to seek reassurance that I'm not alone in having an issue like this. It gets long, because background.
I was brought up in a household where one parent, from the youngest age I can remember, told me my body was a nasty, dirty thing, and sex was a nasty, dirty thing, and if I wanted or enjoyed sex *I* was a nasty, dirty thing. (Parent #2 tried to ignore the subject--and me--while leaving porno mags all over the house.) Things other people said and did to me reinforced what parent #1 said.
My entire life became an attempt to prove everyone wrong. I wasn't a slut like they said. I had tons of self-control. I wasn't bad, nasty, dirty, or whatever. I could barely stand to let anyone touch me. Until 2006, I literally couldn't say the word "sex" without hesitating and cringing. Marriage to my first husband, whom I left in 2006, was a nightmare of having sex because he said I had to, and of completely shutting off my body because he told me I wasn't allowed to enjoy it because that would mean I was a whore and was probably cheating on him, but I had to *pretend* to enjoy it so he could feel like a man.
After I left him, I spent about a year and a half experimenting sexually, becoming comfortable with my wants and fantasies and actions (and body, and actually physically *feeling* things again), and accepting myself as a human being who could actually want and enjoy sex without it being a bad thing. It was good. I wasn't afraid anymore. I made progress.
Then Hubby came along in 2008. He said I could suggest anything I liked to him, and that if I wanted sex with him I should initiate, but when I did, he responded negatively and in doing so, undid the progress I'd made before meeting him. He taught me that initiating sex, and having sex in "unusual" positions (i.e. anything besides missionary or me on top) or anywhere other than the bedroom was unacceptable.
Since we opened our marriage in 2013, Hubby and I have done a lot of work on that. He's apologized many times for the impact his actions and words had on me. He's told me there was never anything "unacceptable" about my desires, curiosities, or *me*; he's admitted he reacted out of his own discomfort and should have just said "I'd rather not do that" instead of being judgmental. Those apologies have been accepted, but haven't undone the damage.
So now, I'm in sexual relationships with two men to whom I can't even bring myself to say, "Hey, I'd like to have sex tonight", let alone suggest trying something different, or somewhere different, or whatever. Both of them have told me they're willing to consider anything I suggest, but that doesn't help me actually speak up. It's safer to accept boring sex than to say "hey, let's try this new thing". Telling them I'm not happy with the situation is easy; I've had discussions about this with both of them. But it always comes back to "Tell me what you want to do and I'll consider it (or do it)", and even just telling them I want to have sex is too much of a risk sometimes. Left to their own volition, each of them tends to "paint by numbers", i.e. do sexual things in almost exactly the same way, same order, etc. every single time, even though I've asked them to try to be a little less predictable, at least sometimes.
At one point when I tried to explain all this to S2, his response was, "If you want to do something and can't say it, just do it"... but that's even more impossible, because to me, doing anything sexual to a partner that hasn't been done previously requires consent. If I don't say it, he can't say it's okay to try it.
Ironically, Guy, whose actions last fall (detailed in my blog, so I'm not going into it here) fed into this whole mess, is the only one I *can* talk to about sex... first, because I'm not having it with him, and second, because he has no filters and no judgment. But his only advice is "Just talk to them about it", because even though he knows my history, he can't quite comprehend not being able to talk about sex at all with partners.
So... long story short. Am I the only one who finds it difficult to talk about sex with sexual partners? How do you bring up sex-related stuff to your partners? How do you make suggestions about things you'd like to try when you aren't sure how your partner will react? Is there any hope here, or should I just resign myself to paint-by-numbers sex with my guys for the duration?
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