He's completely open with me about what he does online, and will even show me his Facebook, instant messenger, etc. if I ask. He watches porn on his computer. He doesn't cyber; he says it does nothing for him because he needs physical touch to get aroused and get off. (He doesn't lie; that's another Aspie trait. He'll be brutal before he'll be dishonest. So I know he's telling me the truth about the cyber thing.)
Routine and isolation, check. I'm with him on the craving routine thing to some extent, but I used to teach special education, and also did some substitute teaching. I *prefer* routine, but due to those jobs, I had to learn flexibility, so I'm better able to break routine than Hubby (or Country, for that matter). I don't like breaking routine, but I go along with it when necessary.
I just had a long talk with him, though. I told him that sometimes I like having sex with him in the mornings before he goes to work, but that sometimes I would rather just have physical closeness with him at that time and have sex at another time. His "first thing in the morning", as I said, is a few hours into my day, and my contribution to the problem is that if I go in to wake him or cuddle with him before he gets up, I usually have half a dozen other things on my mind. It isn't a good time for sex for me; I have a hard time keeping my mind on sex at the best of times, and when I have other things clamoring for my mental attention, that's where my brain goes.
I reminded Hubby that we've talked before about varying time of day, positions, and possibly even location. (Last summer, we fucked on one of the work boats in a secluded area of the harbor, and both agreed it was something we wanted to repeat... but it hasn't been repeated.) I also reminded him of the list we used to have of things we were curious about/interested in that both were willing to try.
I looked for that list this morning but couldn't find it, so I asked him if we could make another. He seemed pretty excited about that idea. I also told him very clearly that if we do another list, if he isn't okay with something he needs to say "I'm not okay with that, but it's an okay thing in general" or something along those lines; and if he says he *is* okay with something, he needs to follow through to actually doing it. He promised that he will, and said that either tomorrow or Monday (his days off), he'll sit down with me to make that list. He also promised me another boat ride--double meaning intended--for my birthday at the end of the month. And he said he would try to come home earlier from work when he can so we can have sex then, or to be more available on his days off.
So that's a start, I think. Whether it will last is another question, but I also reminded him that if he wants me to be happy the way he says he does, that means he needs to work *with* me to make sure we're both happy, and sometimes it means he needs to push his comfort zones.
Meanwhile, when I saw S2 last night I talked to him about some of this as well. I mentioned that I'd created this thread and some of the responses I've gotten as a springboard, because it's easier for me to talk about posting about sex than it is to talk about sex, if that makes sense. I also offered to show him the thread so he could see what my issues are, but he refused; he won't come onto this forum at all because he wants it to be a place where I feel free to post whatever I want to post without having to worry about his reactions.
But I did mention a couple of things we've talked about in the past that we haven't done because of lack of time. I also mentioned--I can't remember now who suggested it. The index card thing. I asked him if some other time (we didn't have time last night), we could write things on index cards that we're curious about and would be willing to try, and then from time to time pull out one of the cards and do what's on it. He immediately agreed, partly because he thinks it could be exciting since we're both likely to forget what's on at least some of the cards, and partly because he understands that doing it that way would make it easier on me than talking about things we'd like to try.
I brought up the lack of time for sex with him. Weeknights are still going to be pretty much out of the question as far as new experiences, but he agreed that even 20 minutes is long enough to try a different position, or someplace in his apartment other than his bed, or whatever. And he said that next month, when we're able to see each other on weekends again, he's willing to commit to making extra time for trying new things. He also said he has a few ideas, based on past discussions, for things he'd like to do on the camping trips we've planned for later this summer.
Both guys, during the respective conversations, apologized for not helping to make it easier for me to talk to them about this, and both thanked me for hanging in there and trying to talk to them. And S2 reminded me that the fact that I'm able and willing to keep trying to have these discussions despite all the factors in my past that contribute to the difficulties, is one of the things he finds most awesome about me, which felt pretty good.