How did you know you were poly?

PrincssMnM

New member
Hi everyone!

I'm sorry if this gets long or confusing - if I leave any details out, feel free to ask!

My story starts like any other - I've had many monogamous relationships, most didn't work, and I always found myself falling for others while still in them and then thinking what was wrong with me. I'm currently married (will be 9 years this summer) and my husband is very mono. I've always struggled with monogamy, though I never really knew why, and again, continued to think something was wrong with me because that's not how relationships are, right?

As polygamy and polyamory started becoming more known, I found myself getting more and more curious - but still thinking I was wrong and that I need to work on my marriage more, focus on us. My husband and I have had our share of issues, there was a time where we separated and I planned on leaving. We decided to work through that, and still have some trust/insecurity issues (on his part) .

Recently, I've come to him and expressed that I think I may be poly, however I don't know for sure. I've also spoken to a good friend of mine about this. My husband has been mostly supportive, but gets his insecure moments now and then - he and I have both been reading the book More Than Two as a starting point.

My friend, however, seems to think that this is just a random thing that I have suddenly come up with, even after I've explained to her about my past. She has said that it's atypical for humans to feel poly, and that I need to figure out the reason I feel this way since it's not in my culture. So I guess my question is how did you know, without a doubt, that you were poly?
 
I disagree with your friend. I think it's very normal and very common for people in relationships and marriages to find themselves attracted to others. This isn't 'poly,' it's normal human nature.

The difference between 'poly' and monogamous is the choice to act on those feelings and this is not something we 'are,' such that we can know we 'are' poly, but a choice to act on feelings that others choose not to act on.

So you can't know you 'are' poly because poly is not anything inherent. You can only decide if you are going to act on your emotions by pursuing relationships with other people, as poly people do, or decide, as mono people do, that feelings are just feelings and choose not to act on them.

So your question should really be about the drawbacks and benefits to acting on your attraction to someone other than your husband.

Is he all for it? If not, then don't do it.

Do you have young children? Probably not a good time to pursue it.

Are you and your husband both fully aware that the genie can't be put back into the bottle? Are you prepared for the time and expense of dating? Have you discussed what rules you want in place or how you will handle each others' outside relationships with no rules in place?

There are plenty more questions to consider.
 
I agree with WH that having feelings for more than one at once is common. Look at how many affairs there are (and always have been.) Sure, they don't all involve love, but many are a matter of a partnered person developing feelings for another but also not wanting to lose the love of the SO. Almost everyone in a long term relationship will admit that somewhere along the line, feelings for another emerged. So feelings aren't what make someone poly, the choice of all concerned to pursue the relationships and be open with one another are what make people poly.

There do seem to be people who experience multiple romantic loves a lot more than others. I experience it rarely, myself. But poly still is a choice, not anything that is hardwired. Poly is about choosing to be open about romantic feelings, first and foremost, not about having those feelings. I never understand when people say, "I think I've been poly all this time" or people who "come out as poly." Poly is when everyone in the situation is open and on board with having multiple love relationships, it's not just having and struggling with feelings for multiple people. Sorry, that's just garden variety human.
 
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I lean more towards people can be wired for poly. Or maybe it's that some people are not wired for monogamy. I am definitely not wired for monogamy. For me, living monogamously was always an uninformed choice.

Open marriage had some appeal, but wasn't completely satisfying. I felt I wanted more than one committed relationship with a string of non-commited sex partners. Then I found out what poly was and knew it was for me.

When people say they knew they were always poly that means they knew they were always capable of having topolyamorous relationships. It also describes a preference. So I am poly, regardless of my relationship status.

Of course, not everyone is either/or. Some people can move between the two with ease, or prefer a different form of non-monogamy.

And some people, like your friend, may be so wired for monogamy that they'll try to convince you it's not in your nature.
 
Thanks All for the input! I can see where you are all coming from, and I didn't really agree with my friend either, but like to get feedback from others in case I missed something, or maybe read something wrong.

To answer the questions put forth:


Is he all for it? If not, then don't do it.
No, he is reading more than two and trying to get a better understanding of my thoughts and feelings, however he is quite insecure in our relationship and very jealous. Our lines of communication are open, and I'm not rushing into anything, but he has said the more he reads, the more uncomfortable he gets.

Do you have young children? Probably not a good time to pursue it.
No children yet, not sure they are in the cards for us - still hoping.

Are you and your husband both fully aware that the genie can't be put back into the bottle? Are you prepared for the time and expense of dating? Have you discussed what rules you want in place or how you will handle each others' outside relationships with no rules in place?

This is something we haven't quite discussed yet. I'm still trying to process what exactly it is I want, and he's not accepting yet. These are things we will be discussing, if he is comfortable with trying it, we just aren't there yet.
 
Hello PrincssMnM,

I don't know how poly I am. Maybe 75% poly (and 25% mono). That is, I prefer poly, but I can live with mono under the right circumstances. I would not say that I found out I *was* poly; rather, I found out that poly was something I wanted to *do.* How did I know I wanted to do it? Well, first it had to enter the realm of possibilities for me. That happened when I decided that anything is okay if it is done with the consent of all involved parties. Then, a certain married woman and I fell in love with each other. Then, she did some research and discovered the word poly, and what it meant. That was when I knew I wanted to be poly, with her. Of course, that was far from the last step in the process. She had to talk to her husband about it, and he did not give his consent until about a year later.

Your friend is coming from a place of classic monogamy. "Only monogamy can be good, right, normal, and healthy. Polyamory is a dysfunction of the mind." This is the thing that is generally believed about monogamy. Polyamory is not generally accepted in society at this time. So your friend's opinion is typical. But typical doesn't mean correct. I believe that poly will one day be accepted by most people. It will come to be considered as one of the many valid ways to conduct a relationship. This won't happen in my lifetime, but it will happen. In the meantime, you just need to work things out with your husband. You don't need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) to your friend. It's enough that you know that you *are* poly, you don't need to know *why.* It would be like telling a gay person that they needed to figure out why they were gay!

Hopefully this gives you some food for thought.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I knew when I realized there was a name for being in love with multiple people, once I admitted to myself that it applied to me.

Just because something isn't common in a culture doesn't mean you can't explore it and see if it works for you. Vegetarianism comes to mind. The norm in some cultures, uncommon in others. Still happens where it's uncommon, even when raised a different way.
 
I don't remember not knowing. Even as a kid I would like more than one schoolmate at a time. What I did not have was the words. For a long time I used words like "not exclusive" or "ok dating more than one person" -- I didn't have words like "polyamory" until later on.

I guess I'm like Kevin? Inside I'm wired poly. But do I have to be doing poly? No. With the right person I'm ok being Closed. I've been closed for a long time while raising kids. I'm not sad or upset by that like I've missed out on all this poly dating. But it is because I'm not having to pretend to be something I'm not. Any time I want I can talk to my spouse about my poly thoughts and feelings. He doesn't wig out.

He knew when we were dating I was not into exclusive, so it isn't like we were married and THEN I figured myself out. We did the V thing before children. I already knew before marriage. He already knew before marriage. Maybe all that makes a difference? I know it's a lot different than coming to realize it after marriage and kids where it can feel like "Whoa! Who AM I?" to one person and "Whoa! Who IS this?" to the other one.

This is something we haven't quite discussed yet. I'm still trying to process what exactly it is I want, and he's not accepting yet. These are things we will be discussing, if he is comfortable with trying it, we just aren't there yet.

Well, do you eventually want to date and try it? Or can you ok in the middle somewhere?

Like... you want to be able to freely express and talk your polyness so it is "open enough" for you. Not going around bottled up. And you remain in the closed marriage -- so it's still "closed enough" for him?

Is it that you want to be seen and understood as a whole person by your spouse? And not like a partial version of you where he only wants to love the bits that are "acceptable" and ignores the poly bits?

Or is it that you want to be free to poly date? Something else? Do your soul searching.

No, he is reading more than two and trying to get a better understanding of my thoughts and feelings, however he is quite insecure in our relationship and very jealous. Our lines of communication are open, and I'm not rushing into anything, but he has said the more he reads, the more uncomfortable he gets.

Well, sure! The relationship shape he thought he had? It's not here any more. And he doesn't know what the new shape is gonna be. Even if you do not date at all, this changes things. Who he thought he married and what the relationship he thought he was in? All that changed on him. That can feel destabilizing or like he was blindsided or both.

And he's gotta do his own soul searching. Because if the original marriage deal was X, and now it's turning out that that's not happening here? It might mean for him that the deal is done then. No offense or ill wishes to you.... but this new thing? He didn't sign up for this. That til death do us part thing? It might be dead for him -- spiritually dead because the spirit of the original marriage vows is over. Old deal is done.

You are fortunate that he's willing to read, learn, and consider some sort of new deal. But... remember he has a choice to make too. So don't rush it, take your time talking things out, and try to remain open to whatever may come. The goal is hopefully so BOTH people can be ok and get what they need. Like "save the people."

Don't make it be "save the marriage at all costs... even if the people are bending into pretzels and hurting themselves."

I mean all that kindly. :eek:

I will hope for the best outcome possible.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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Just a brief note to second WhatHappened -

I disagree with your friend. I think it's very normal and very common for people in relationships and marriages to find themselves attracted to others. This isn't 'poly,' it's normal human nature.

The difference between 'poly' and monogamous is the choice to act on those feelings and this is not something we 'are,' such that we can know we 'are' poly, but a choice to act on feelings that others choose not to act on.

So you can't know you 'are' poly because poly is not anything inherent. You can only decide if you are going to act on your emotions by pursuing relationships with other people, as poly people do, or decide, as mono people do, that feelings are just feelings and choose not to act on them.

Perfectly said. I would wager that there are very few adults who have not experienced romantic feelings (or at least strong attractions) for more than one person at the same time at some point in their adult life. It first happened to me when I was 18, but it never really occurred to me at that time that I could do anything but choose to pursue a relationship with one or the other.

It wasn't until my wife asked me to open our marriage and transition to poly a couple of years back that I realized that it was a lifestyle choice that could be made - but one that could be difficult, depending on the degree of our cultural indoctrination.

I do believe, however, that while almost everyone (if not everyone) at some point has romantic attractions to more than one (or, at least, has that capacity) - I would agree that some would be more inclined to make the choice for monogamy, whiles others would be more inclined to make the choice for poly - as a matter of personality, and not just indoctrination.

Al
 
Hi everyone!

My story starts like any other - I've had many monogamous relationships, most didn't work, and I always found myself falling for others while still in them and then thinking what was wrong with me. I'm currently married (will be 9 years this summer) and my husband is very mono. I've always struggled with monogamy, though I never really knew why, and again, continued to think something was wrong with me because that's not how relationships are, right?

For me, I was always fine in mono relationships. I'd have crushes on other people, but my husband and I were already good with either of us flirting with other people so long as it didn't lead anywhere; even though we were both always interested in group sex. Because relationships "aren't supposed to"

As polygamy and polyamory started becoming more known, I found myself getting more and more curious - but still thinking I was wrong and that I need to work on my marriage more, focus on us. My husband and I have had our share of issues, there was a time where we separated and I planned on leaving. We decided to work through that, and still have some trust/insecurity issues (on his part) .

Insecurity usually stems from an underlying emotion. Like, lack of trust. Sometimes, the lack of trust is in the other person, sometimes it's in your own emotions and how sometimes, because they are new and unknown are scary.
When we first started, it was due to a 3way. Not romantic at all, but there we go. It then branched out to one on one fooling around (me with B); but with certain parameters I let Z set. He started with no PIV sex when we were alone. Then, soon after, was perfectly fine with it. And when we didn't live together, just being like "oh hey B is over" or "oh hey I'm at B's". The gory details really weren't needed. Even now, we have a "if they don't live here like give a heads up". No one wants to come home to someone having sex with doors open or on the couch! Now, after many 3ways with B and Z, and living together, yeah. No one cares about walking in on anything. We also have the courtesy to not fuck in the kitchen or living room if we know someone is going to for sure walk in on it without being like "heyyyyy soooo". If ya want to have sex in the kitchen, someone popping to cook KD kinda kills it.
But, I didn't really think I was POLY POLY until feelings for B started. When it was just friendship and sex, it can not feel the same, ya know? And honestly, when those feelings started it was hubby who was like "my bae, I can kinda tell you like...love him. Let's talk." and once we talked, he was okay with it. It was a long talk, but honest and we reaffirmed that, like with sex, it didn't diminish my feelings for him and it didn't affect his feelings for me.

It's not always a fast transition that has no bumps along the way.

Recently, I've come to him and expressed that I think I may be poly, however I don't know for sure. I've also spoken to a good friend of mine about this. My husband has been mostly supportive, but gets his insecure moments now and then - he and I have both been reading the book More Than Two as a starting point.

That's a perfect starting point! Both reading the same book and talking. One thing I'd recommend is for you both to make notes about the book in the spots where you have any questions or concerns and especially talk about those.

My friend, however, seems to think that this is just a random thing that I have suddenly come up with, even after I've explained to her about my past. She has said that it's atypical for humans to feel poly, and that I need to figure out the reason I feel this way since it's not in my culture.

I mean, based on humans past and how most animals work...I'd disagree. There are cases now seen where monogamous for life same partner forever birds (some eagles, some penguins, some geese) have a triad thing going on. Humans feel loneliness as a biological function, in the same way we feel hunger when we need to eat. We used to live in family groups of 50-150 people. You can't convince me otherwise that humans, for evolution's sake and to prevent complete inbreeding, stayed 100% monogamous.

I was born into an anglican family, now I'm a polytheist. Not only how I view religion has changed, but my entire relationship outlook. Many things throughout history have been 'tainted' through a very Christian lens. Many cultures viewed have other spouses as both normal but basically expected. It was not immoral at all. Hell, during the Viking age divorce was 100% allowed and women could be the ones to initiate and they got to take all their stuff and go. Christianity kinda lagged behind on that for a long time. For the Romans, they literally hunted a plant that induced abortion until it went extinct.
History is an interesting a very complex thing. To give any of it blanket statements can be difficult.

As we age, we grow. And with growth comes change. This is normal to the human condition.

I'd say your friend is dead wrong; and more stuck in her beliefs as the "correct" thing. That will always be hard to recon with.

So I guess my question is how did you know, without a doubt, that you were poly?

When emotions came into the picture. When I saw that I could love two people at once. And that, while I wasn't sure of the exact future, I could see one with both. I questioned it and researched it basically as soon as we had our first 3way. I was hunting for a hint that this could be normal. And for us, it is.

DM me if you ever want or need to
 
Back in 1999 my ex husband and I tried polyamory. It was a new concept then, only one so-so book about it out. (The Ethical Slut.) Just the same we wanted to try, since I was poly at heart. It had always been a problem for us. He however was jealous and had low self esteem. And he was mono! We tried a 3threeway relationship with another woman, they fell in love, he fell out of love with me. Awkward! Devastating.

We saw one great therapist for a while who was well versed in alternative lifestyle things, kink, homeschooling, open relationships, LGBTQ, etc. She was great and helped me sort things out a lot. Didn't help him much. He was still in love with his new GF. He was still jealous of me dating men (not that I really had time for it, what with our 3 kids being young). He still had terrible low self esteem...

Well, long story short, after me going to this therapist for 3 years individually (after she basically fired my ex h for not making progress), our insurance changed and she had to let me go.

We tried another therapist and she was terrible. She demonized me. She told me "married people should not get crushes on others." My ex didn't go regularly. Here he was, still married to me, using me for sex and housework and raising our kids, we were basically just roommates/friends, he in love with the OW but not dating her or having sex... just cyber love talk.

But somehow I was slut-shamed. Of course, I knew this therapist was way off base. Her statement that married people "shouldn't" be attracted to others--HUH? I dunno if she was some kind of crazy conservative Christian or what. As soon as she said that, I just walked. I gave up on therapists and worked on myself with what I learned from the previous therapist. Eventually I was true to myself and left my husband. I was tired of propping him up, caring for him, and getting little in return.
 
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