FarAwayLover
New member
Background -
Back in the fall of 2013, my high school boyfriend, Jacques, contacted me after having been out of touch for 38 years. We decided we both still/again cared about each other and had what I guess would be best described as an emotional affair, at least on his part. (My husband Clyde was informed pretty quickly, Jacques' wife Artemis was not.) We were both checking our e-mail _way_ too often! Clyde was OK - we’d heard of polyamory before. Clyde even said that Jacques was the person he could most easily imagine being OK about my having sex with. (badly garbled syntax!)
Jacques mostly wrote me from work, had and still has no personal e-mail account of his own. E-mails from home were from the Artemis' account. Artemis didn’t know the extent of our contact or the history beyond my being an old friend. E-mails to/from her account were more chatty and less emotional. Jacques was pleased when I said I thought I was falling in love with him again, but said that the way to not hurt Artemis was to not tell her. After a bit of prodding, sending him links about polyamory (and even Jacques talking on the phone with Clyde), Jacques broached the subject of polyamory. Threats of divorce, one last phone call for him to tell me himself that he has to cut all ties to save his marriage, they go to marriage counseling.
See "Wasn't looking for poly; LD BF's wife is pissed"
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65281
Fast forward 9 months. Clyde and I are going to visit the city where Jacques spent his childhood, and I break silence to let him know that we are making that trip. It was the place where we had thought we could meet up with each other, and when things had fallen apart early on in the fall of 2013, I had promised that I would be in touch about such a trip when it materialized. Jacques responds that I haven’t given him much notice, but that hell see if they can get plane flights and if his relatives can put them up. But that he might get some pushback form Artemis. WTF! He hadn’t checked with his wife before saying he wants them to go on this trip?!
In a couple of days I get a curt e-mail from Artemis saying they will _not_ be travelling, and I figure, well, I tried, and that’s the end of it. Turns out it’s _not_ the end of it. The next Monday I get a bizarre e-mail on Monday asking for contact information for this woman Jacques has found who is our daughter. She’s 29, and I haven’t seen him in 39 years. Uh huh… So he gets talked out of that one, but on Tuesday he’s found a 41 year-old woman who is our daughter, and this time he knows about her because _Clyde_ told him about her. He has copied his boss on one of these e-mails, and things are definitely weird. He tells both a screening psychologist and a psychiatrist that he is a convicted felon because he assaulted someone at the wedding of “our” daughter. By Friday he’s out on medical leave.
It takes two or three weeks for tests to get run and for a tentative diagnosis of frontotemporal lobe dementia (FTD) to emerge. Symptoms include personality changes and loss of inhibition. Which is probably why he reached out to me in the first place after 38 years, and why he was so weird about how he treated Artemis while we were getting reacquainted. I hear the devastating news from Artemis, then a few days later a considerably watered down version from Jacques, who says there’s been “some” reduction of the frontal lobe of his brain, as opposed to “significant” shrinkage of both the frontal and the temporal lobes. And then I hear nothing. For 6 months.
See http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=71175
"Be careful what you ask for"
I sent e-mails periodically. Chatty things about what’s going on with life. Occasional requests to please be able to come and visit. Silence. Well, I figured that Artemis had a lot on her plate, and if no one was telling me to actually _go away_, I was going to keep writing. But I will admit the the frequency tapered off.
Six months after I last heard from Artemis and Jacques, I get an e-mail response from Artemis. Jacques is out on disability, the state took away his driver’s license due to the dementia diagnosis, he’s following her around like a puppy, he can’t take care of his computer or things around the house the way he used to, but he doesn’t think anything’s wrong with him. That makes things much more painful for Artemis than they are for Jacques. It take me a week, but I get up the nerve to pick up the phone and call. It’s confusing at first because, remember, she has the same first name as me, but goes by her middle name. So when I announce myself, she thinks it’s someone asking for her. We finally get _that_ straightened out!
After we talk for a while, she asks if I want to talk to Jacques. Sure! During the conversation I ask about being able to travel, and he says, Oh I didn’t tell you, I have FTD. So that got confirmed. I hadn’t actually heard, but had assumed…
At least now we're in communication...
More later...
FAL
--------------------------------
M - Me - Mandelbrot - female, 60 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 57 - my husband for over 35 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 59 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture fall of 2013 after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him; diagnosed with frontotemporal lobe dementia
Artemis (previously A) - 67? - Jacques' wife of over 32 years
Back in the fall of 2013, my high school boyfriend, Jacques, contacted me after having been out of touch for 38 years. We decided we both still/again cared about each other and had what I guess would be best described as an emotional affair, at least on his part. (My husband Clyde was informed pretty quickly, Jacques' wife Artemis was not.) We were both checking our e-mail _way_ too often! Clyde was OK - we’d heard of polyamory before. Clyde even said that Jacques was the person he could most easily imagine being OK about my having sex with. (badly garbled syntax!)
Jacques mostly wrote me from work, had and still has no personal e-mail account of his own. E-mails from home were from the Artemis' account. Artemis didn’t know the extent of our contact or the history beyond my being an old friend. E-mails to/from her account were more chatty and less emotional. Jacques was pleased when I said I thought I was falling in love with him again, but said that the way to not hurt Artemis was to not tell her. After a bit of prodding, sending him links about polyamory (and even Jacques talking on the phone with Clyde), Jacques broached the subject of polyamory. Threats of divorce, one last phone call for him to tell me himself that he has to cut all ties to save his marriage, they go to marriage counseling.
See "Wasn't looking for poly; LD BF's wife is pissed"
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65281
Fast forward 9 months. Clyde and I are going to visit the city where Jacques spent his childhood, and I break silence to let him know that we are making that trip. It was the place where we had thought we could meet up with each other, and when things had fallen apart early on in the fall of 2013, I had promised that I would be in touch about such a trip when it materialized. Jacques responds that I haven’t given him much notice, but that hell see if they can get plane flights and if his relatives can put them up. But that he might get some pushback form Artemis. WTF! He hadn’t checked with his wife before saying he wants them to go on this trip?!
In a couple of days I get a curt e-mail from Artemis saying they will _not_ be travelling, and I figure, well, I tried, and that’s the end of it. Turns out it’s _not_ the end of it. The next Monday I get a bizarre e-mail on Monday asking for contact information for this woman Jacques has found who is our daughter. She’s 29, and I haven’t seen him in 39 years. Uh huh… So he gets talked out of that one, but on Tuesday he’s found a 41 year-old woman who is our daughter, and this time he knows about her because _Clyde_ told him about her. He has copied his boss on one of these e-mails, and things are definitely weird. He tells both a screening psychologist and a psychiatrist that he is a convicted felon because he assaulted someone at the wedding of “our” daughter. By Friday he’s out on medical leave.
It takes two or three weeks for tests to get run and for a tentative diagnosis of frontotemporal lobe dementia (FTD) to emerge. Symptoms include personality changes and loss of inhibition. Which is probably why he reached out to me in the first place after 38 years, and why he was so weird about how he treated Artemis while we were getting reacquainted. I hear the devastating news from Artemis, then a few days later a considerably watered down version from Jacques, who says there’s been “some” reduction of the frontal lobe of his brain, as opposed to “significant” shrinkage of both the frontal and the temporal lobes. And then I hear nothing. For 6 months.
See http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=71175
"Be careful what you ask for"
I sent e-mails periodically. Chatty things about what’s going on with life. Occasional requests to please be able to come and visit. Silence. Well, I figured that Artemis had a lot on her plate, and if no one was telling me to actually _go away_, I was going to keep writing. But I will admit the the frequency tapered off.
Six months after I last heard from Artemis and Jacques, I get an e-mail response from Artemis. Jacques is out on disability, the state took away his driver’s license due to the dementia diagnosis, he’s following her around like a puppy, he can’t take care of his computer or things around the house the way he used to, but he doesn’t think anything’s wrong with him. That makes things much more painful for Artemis than they are for Jacques. It take me a week, but I get up the nerve to pick up the phone and call. It’s confusing at first because, remember, she has the same first name as me, but goes by her middle name. So when I announce myself, she thinks it’s someone asking for her. We finally get _that_ straightened out!
After we talk for a while, she asks if I want to talk to Jacques. Sure! During the conversation I ask about being able to travel, and he says, Oh I didn’t tell you, I have FTD. So that got confirmed. I hadn’t actually heard, but had assumed…
At least now we're in communication...
More later...
FAL
--------------------------------
M - Me - Mandelbrot - female, 60 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 57 - my husband for over 35 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 59 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture fall of 2013 after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him; diagnosed with frontotemporal lobe dementia
Artemis (previously A) - 67? - Jacques' wife of over 32 years