So, updated talks on the Kelly visit:
Going into a little more detail about it last night, Rider explained that he "cares about her quite a bit so she's more than FWB, but it has a sort of non-committal feel to it at the moment because she's moving away at some point." It seems like they're doing sort of an in-the-moment thing that is slowly escalating inch by inch. I had previously asked him where he thought it was going, just to know what to expect and to satisfy my own curiosity, and I don't really think that he knows what HE expects or what HE wants. So I left that at that.
But that still left me in a conundrum of how I'm supposed to treat the visit. So we talked about it a while, and we decided that they'll do half the time solo and hang out with me the other half of the time. He'll meet her after work on Friday and they'll do the one-on-one thing until dinnertime or so on Saturday, at which point I'll meet up with them and we'll do dinner, drinks, sex if she's into it, and then we have all planned to go to a yoga class on Sunday morning.
I sensed a
very slight bit of wariness on Rider's part about how I might behave. He was sure to be emphatically clear to me that he wanted to get "QT" with her, and for her not to "feel like she's crowding us, or that she's a third wheel," and that he wanted her to "have a good time no matter what." I was mildly taken aback that he thought that I'd behave in a way opposite to any of that, to the point where it needed to be said. My mother raised me to be always considerate of the guest, and I do not believe that I've given him any reason to ever doubt that I would do exactly that. When someone is visiting, or when we are having a threesome with someone, I try to make sure that the main focus is on that person feeling comfortable and happy. I did not outwardly question his emphasis on that, though, because I am happy that he chose to communicate.
What I did say was this:
"I don't plan to exclude her. You know that my policy, in general, is to focus on the guest and make the guest feel comfortable. Of course I want her to have a good time. I'm operating here with a very complex set of motives:
- wanting her to have a good time
- wanting you to get whatever it is that you want
- wanting to get to know her better
- wanting to get experience in this new kind of poly (more inclusive, more group hangouts) and therefore get to know myself and you better
- wanting myself to be a part of every part of your life as much as possible without being intrusive
"Ideally, I'd like to actually be her friend, and talk to her about all kinds of stuff, including the nature of poly. I feel like I actually have to spend time with her to make that happen, though, you know? I promise that I'm not trying to hang out only to, like, step on your connection to her or something.
"It's weird, because one thought that crossed my mind was the idea that I might be 'taking' time from her, by wanting to hang out and be her friend, but then I realized that's totally a line of thought left over from the previous polyship. One of the WHOLE POINTS of doing things the way that you and I want to do them is that there is no giving and taking like that; instead, there is sharing. And because you and I are very intertwined, for her to come here and see 'your life' means that she is with me too. There will be no more weird long chunks of time where we can't see each other because we have another partner who requires separateness."
Everyone who reads this blog has probably noticed that when things get really confusing in my mind, I just break them down into bullet points to try to find my way through. I'm going to do that here again.
I know that it is impossible to control the way that other people feel, but I can strive to make things happy and comfortable for other people and for myself as much as possible.
The way that I want to help Kelly to feel while she's here:
- Happy
- Welcomed (by Rider and by me)
- Comfortable
- Having fun
- Not left out during my interactions with Rider
- Like she is able to get to know Rider better
- Like she is able to get to know me better
- Like she is able to get a sense of how Rider and I live our lives
The way that I want to help Rider to feel while Kelly is here:
- Happy
- Loved
- Having fun
- Like he is able to get to know Kelly better
- Like he is able to get a better sense of what it's like to be a hinge in an inclusive situation
- Like he is lucky to have a primary partner who is in control of her emotions and welcoming to metamours
- Like he has enough space and freedom to get what he wants out of his connection to Kelly
The way that I want to be able to feel while Kelly is here:
- The excitement of making a new friend with whom I have at least one very important thing in common
- Not feeling left out during Rider's interactions with Kelly
- Like I am able to get to know Kelly better
- Like I am able to get a better sense of what it's like to be an arm of a V in a more inclusive situation than I have been used to
- Compersion at Rider's happiness at hanging out with both of us at once
- Not too lonely as I undergo the increasingly rare experience of time without Rider, especially at night
I feel that in becoming Kelly's friend, there will be less to ever feel jealous of. I think part of what I identified in my previous twinges of jealousy about her as opposed to ALL of the other girls that Rider has pursued over the course of our relationship is that she is the first who came after me who was "only his project"; otherwise, even the straight girls, such as Desiree, have been crushes of his to whom we have schemed together to bring him closer. The times when I have been "in on it" with him regarding Kelly, such as when I positioned myself so that he was between us at the concert, or the next day on his friend's couch, I have felt happiness and compersion at seeing him so content. The times when I have been completely separate from it, miles away or expected to go off with Sam and do my own thing, have been the times when something has scratched at me.
I think that once she and I can get to know each other better, and we can all sort of be "in cahoots" on various things, any weird feelings will probably subside. In general, I *love* sharing Rider with my friends. I think he's the best lover I've ever had, and that any woman who doesn't experience him is kind of missing out. Sharing is caring. And thinking about all of that and considering that over the past couple of weeks has made me feel very positive about everything. Sometimes there is still the feeling that I am standing at the edge of a precipice that I can go over at any time, which is why I'm still processing and digging and working on it, but the important part is that I am not in active free-fall. I have found solid ground and am slowly and purposefully backing away from that edge.
One of my biggest flaws is that I care too much what other people think about me. I am working on it, and I am a lot better than I used to be. Maybe part of that really wanting to be friends with metamours is sort of a "like me so you treat me with respect and make sure not to hurt me" thing. I try to consider metamours' feelings, but I am a little gun-shy about mine not being considered, probably because of the whole Rider+Claire situation. If you don't know someone at all, it's easier to view them as non-human, a non-entity, and therefore to try to take what you want at the expense of others. I don't think that Kelly in particular would do that—she seems genuinely sweet—but I think I have residual wariness of people in that position in my life (involved with Rider), because the last person in that position manipulated Rider to my disadvantage. I don't THINK he'd allow himself to be manipulated in that way again (Claire seemed to have superpowers for that sort of thing), but it will take some time for me to heal and stop being wary.
(As an aside: one thing I found out yesterday that I didn't know but SUSPECTED before...Rider told me that when he told Claire about the Christmas debacle and how hurt I was, she expressed schadenfreude. He was shocked by it, and didn't tell me about her exact reaction, probably because he didn't want to further poison the waters between her and me. So I was right all along in believing that she placed more value on the bits of him she got that took something away from me and hurt me. I was more hurt by that event than by anything else in our relationship, and she was PLEASED by it! Maybe she is a bad person after all. No matter how angry I ever got at her, I would never be pleased to discover she was in pain.)
Back on topic:
I am actually really looking forward to this experiment in
kitchen-table poly. It is what I ultimately want, but like anything else, it requires practice. The only kind of poly I currently have experience with V-arm-wise, is a much more separate kind of thing (against my will), so now is my chance to jump into the deep end of the kind I aspire to. I imagine it will be something like jumping into grad coursework: a bit challenging, but very rewarding and something about which I am passionate.