The Best Life Yet

OMG I love bunny people (hence my username)! I've had pet (indoor) rabbits for the last 17 years or so, they are awesome pets. My oldest lived to be 16!

Rider's bunny is an 11-year old widower, still cute and spry. My two are 4 and 6, adopted last year. I actually volunteer for a local rabbit rescue sometimes when I am not too busy. Bunny people, for sure! I am also a cat person and an all-around animal lover. :)
 
The weekend was pretty awesome, even though I didn't have as much sex as I would have liked. Friday after my last post, Rider and I met up with Sam for margaritas, then we went back to the house and played music until we could play no longer. Rider and I split off and went to bed pretty late, and I knew I was probably too drunk to have an orgasm, so I just went down on him and went to sleep. We did have some really good sex in the morning, though, while Sam was still sleeping. My period started during sex, but, thankfully, we did not mess up the guest sheets. Then we went back to sleep and slept until 3 p.m.!

Saturday was mostly taken up by errands, cooking, and music. I didn't mind any of that. I love cooking for those guys, and I love the music that we make together. Because we'd slept so late, we ended up staying up until almost dawn. Rider lay down on the pool table at one point while a movie was on the projector, and I cuddled up next to him, and, apparently, I just straight up passed out on him ON THE POOL TABLE, and he had to nudge me to get up and go to bed. I woke up in all my clothes! Sunday, I cooked a delicious breakfast while we watched an old movie that I hadn't seen since I was 12. Just the act of watching it tugged my heartstrings—definitely a bit of menstrual misty-eyes, remembering what it had been like to see the world through the innocent perspective that I'd had at that age. Then the fellas helped me learn how to change the oil in my car. It was fun mucking around under the car in the grease with them. Then Rider and I recorded some of our original tunes in Sam's music space. I love that house so much.

The only thing that I don't like about it, actually, I've probably mentioned on here before: the sex situation in the guest room is not ideal because he has an inflatable mattress on a futon frame, and even when we line it with a sheet between the two, it still makes a really loud friction-squeaking sound. So I feel really weird about making that squeaking (not to mention how freaking LOUD Rider is when he comes) when I know that Sam is right down a really short hall. Add the just-started-bleeding situation to the mix and you get a recipe for Rider and I barely having any sex over a three-day weekend.

I didn't really fool around with Sam much at all, either. Some cuddling, kissing, hair-petting, etc. It feels so good to be close to him, but I didn't want to alienate Rider at all. Rider actually offered to give us some space if we wanted some, but I just felt strange about it. I have a very take-it-as-it-comes approach to my connection with Sam, and he seems to have the same exact approach. If the planets align, and we get time alone together incidentally, then we do. If we don't...there's not really much effort that either of us put into making that happen, and it's all right by us. I imagine we're going to keep knowing each other for a very long time, and I'm sure it'll happen again eventually.

Sam said he will try to come visit us for Memorial Day weekend. He said he likes the idea of having a long music weekend and going to some of the parties we were planning to go to. I hope he can make it—that would surely be a blast. Rider gets a four-day weekend, so there will be lots of time.

Speaking of visits, yesterday, I helped Rider schedule a weekend visit for Kelly coming here to see him. She's going to be coming in about four weeks. She was asking him when she should come, so he asked me which weekend I thought would be best for that. I told him that it depends on what he wants out of the weekend; if he wants all of us to hang out together, it obviously should not be the weekend I'm out of town (6/5); if he wants to have completely undivided time with her without leaving me alone for days while I'm in town, it should be that weekend. He said that he'd like it if we could all hang out, but that it was not imperative, and that the weekend of 6/5 was probably too far away—she'd been hoping for sometime in May.

The only May plans we really have are the ones Memorial Day weekend with Sam. Rider asked me if it would be a good idea to have her come that weekend, since Sam would be here and that way I could get some QT with him, but I told Rider that honestly, the idea of not being able to share his bed for four nights straight (because of the long weekend) while we were both in town really put me off. It doesn't matter if I'd have Sam with me; they are not just interchangeable, and I'd want my Rider time. Plus, I'm looking forward to making music with them, and an additional person might queer our good three-person dynamic for that. Rider said he understood all of that, and he narrowed it down to either 5/1 or 5/8. I told him I liked 5/8 if it were all the same to him, since then we'd have a lazy "connection weekend" on either side of it. He said he liked that idea too. So, poly scheduling FTW!

He thanked me for "being so cool" about her coming to visit. I told him this: "Of course—it would be weird not to be cool about it. You and I get more time together now than ever before, and I know it's some strange trick of the mind that it still somehow always passes in a blink. I know that there is value in getting to spend time with other people too. One thing that poly has been working on teaching me for the entire time now is that it is important to learn how to sleep alone and enjoy my own company, even if it sometimes feels weird and stark and empty at first. Comfort is not all that there is to life."

And it's true. I've always had a certain degree of trouble being alone, but poly is helping me with that. In the early days of my relationship with Rider, when I had to endure through NRE the nights that I couldn't have him, my first instinct was to try to plug that hole with other people to "balance things out." But the minute—literally the very minute—that I decided to stop doing that and to instead focus on doing things for me during the times we couldn't be together, I got SO MUCH HAPPIER.

But I was telling Oona during our phone conversation last night that I have been kind of backsliding with that. Now that Rider and Claire have broken up, Rider and I spend nearly all our free time together. There's one regular night of the week (tonight, actually) when we do things with other friends, but then we still return to each other for sex and sleep. And it's spoiling me! I find myself thinking of our next nights apart with a quailing heart and a sense of trepidation. Obviously, I enjoy our time together, so limiting that time JUST not to "get spoiled" is not the answer; the answer has to be in programming myself in some way.

I was thinking about the concept of vices in this regard. The same thing can be a vice for one person and not be a vice for another. I used to "socially smoke"—have a cigarette or two (or sometimes a bunch more if I were really drunk) when out with friends or when having a phone conversation with Oona. But I was never a "real smoker," and I eventually gave it up very easily when I thought about how I should really stop doing that at my age because of associated health risks. And yet, I know people who started that way who found they couldn't stop. Cigarettes are a vice for those people, but not for me.

I've done lots of various drugs in my lifetime, including dabbling in ones that many people find very addictive. I've even seen Oona be borderline addicted to a particularly bad one back in the day when we were hanging around too much with the wrong kind of people in our misspent youth. And she probably is kind of addicted to pot (which I can't even smoke at all). But no illegal drug has ever held any sway over me.

Alcohol, on the other hand, is definitely a vice for me. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I have an active drinking problem, because I don't exhibit most of the classic warning signs, but I do tend to overindulge once I get started and my inhibitions are down, and I do really, really enjoy drinking. The reason I can classify it as a vice for me is this: the more I have, the more I want. During a drinking session, if I'm having a good time and in a safe environment, I just want to keep savoring that flavor, right up until I get sloppy or tired. There is rarely a "satisfaction" point that I reach.

And love is the same way for me. The more I get, the more I want. You would think I'd get to a healthy stopping point where "OK, I have this amazing thing the vast majority of the time, so taking a break from it is perfectly easy," but no. If I have an amazing thing the vast majority of the time, then the times that I don't have it become harder to handle. It's obviously some bratty inner child, some layer of immaturity that I need to slice through for a more-evolved version of myself to emerge. Probably just thinking in greater detail about it is a start. If I think about the "what," it seems like the "why" eventually dawns on me, and then "why" is closely followed by "how" to fix it. I was thinking that the "gratitude journal" concept in More Than Two might be a useful tool for this, but other suggestions are welcome.

It seems to me that the age of 33 so far has been hyper-focused on internal self improvement. I'm not sure how much of that is due to my age; how much is due to being a year into following a poly path that has delighted and challenged me; how much is due to finally being in a loving, supportive relationship; or even how much is due to the fact that in writing this blog, I have been journaling several times weekly for the first time in many years. It seems like it is probably a mix of those factors, and probably also some other stuff that I haven't even identified yet. Whatever the impetus, ferreting out my weak, damaged places and shoring them up with nurturing and the careful application of logic has definitely proven to be a worthwhile pursuit, and one that I intend to continue.
 
I actually forgot some stuff in there:

We got back so late Sunday night that there was no time for sex that night either. I really wanted it, but I was sooo tired. We didn't get nearly enough sleep that night (especially Rider, since he gets up slightly earlier than I do) even as it was.

Yesterday, Rider brought me flowers for no reason! He surprised me while I was on the phone with Oona, knocking at my door and handing me a bouquet of daisies! He said he was just feeling "extra squishy" because he was tired and missing me while at work. I wonder if part of it wasn't because I handled the Kelly-visit-planning so smoothly. I know he was ecstatic after that, and I was genuinely happy for his happiness. Maybe some of that radiated back and turned into flowers for me. :)

Last night, Rider dressed up all girly for me and let me put makeup on him. It's one of my favorite things. I like it when he's "my girlfriend." We let out that pent-up sexual energy from the weekend with some kinky fun times, and finally got a decent amount of sleep afterwards. Tonight, I'm hoping for more awesome sexytimes. We've been tossing ideas around over IM all day. At some point last week, Rider and I surpassed 100k IMs. That's over about a year and a half of solid friendship/romance. I've known him for closer to two years, but it took us about six months to start really hanging out. But yeah, we communicate A LOT. Much of our conversation today revolved around either sex or plans to try trapping some crabs at our friend's mom's house. We have so many shared interests.
 
Another ending...

I just invited Moss to come stay with me during my work trip in June, since it's in a popular party/tourist town that is driving distance from him, and I have a sweet suite paid for by my company. He turned it down because he's decided to go mono with that ex-girlfriend of his who emailed him the morning I left.

Yes, while I was camping with him, we'd discussed the possibility of his meeting someone to date who wanted monogamy, but I really hadn't expected it to happen while I was literally still in his bed, and for him to lock it down to exclusive two weeks after I left.

I'm really happy for him that he has someone who clicks so well with him and is local, and with whom he has such great sexual chemistry. I am sad, though, that it takes away all of our options to be close to each other past a certain point. I'm actually sadder than I was expecting to be. I shed a few tears and still have a lump in my throat. Rider said he's there for me if I need him.

It's a weird feeling, that second ending. And kinda-sorta being dumped. I dunno. Sad. Happy. Happy-sad. Crying again. My tongue feels too fat and kinda hurts. Just gotta coast it and come out of this wave on the other side.
 
Aw, I'm sorry, Reverie. I hope you'll soon get to a place with Moss where just being friends feels right.

Thanks. I'm sure it won't take too long. We were trending that way anyway. We slip in and out of it, historically, so there's lots of precedence there. It feels like a good chance that this will be The End, though. Not of the friendship—we'll be friends through this and forever—but of the chance for more.

We've only been dating again for about ten months, after four years of being divorced and staying very good friends. There were no problems this time other than the distance, but the distance was a big one. It's not feasible to fly across the country often enough to keep the connection where it ought to be. I know that. I'll never stop loving him, though. I've loved him for nearly ten years now, in various fashions. He's a good guy and will always be important to me.
 
The past few days have been pretty uneventful. Wednesday I did music with Rider and had the sads on and off about the Moss breakup. Yesterday, Rider had to work overtime and when he was done, we decided that we needed to get out of the house, so we ordered a pizza for pickup, took it to the brewery (which allows outside food), and ate it while drinking fancy beer. Then we stopped by the bowling alley on the way home and had one more round. The bowling alley has a surprisingly good selection of craft beers. I'd never been there before, but Rider used to go with Claire sometimes.

Rider and I ended up having a long talk last night over our beers wherein we discussed my breakup with Moss and his breakup with Claire, and other breakups from the long-ago past. We also discussed the idea of "forever" (as in life-long commitment) and the concept of what commitment is and how poly vs. monogamy works and how the self-discovery process seems to be ongoing no matter how old we get so far. We covered a lot of ground. My longest relationship was about four years long, and his was about seven. The idea of committing to him for the long term seems like a good one to me, but at the same time, I don't really have much of an idea of what "the long term" really feels like with someone, so in the end, it will be a leap of faith. I told him that I've read here on the poly boards and also in many other places that in truly long-term relationships, sometimes there are stretches of YEARS where things are tough going, and you have to decide just to stick to it and see it through, and then it's supposedly good again on the other side.

The really funny part is that when we got home, we were watching a show, and a character on the show—a little minor character that appears for only a minute or two—then starts talking about how long he was married to his wife, for over 40 years, and how they haven't always gotten along but on the other side it's worth it. Rider and I just looked at each other like, "Well, damn!" and squeezed each other's hand. I'm not much of a believer in the more mystical side of things, but for the past few months, it has really felt kind of like the universe has been talking to me or something. There are just so many coincidences all the time. It's trippy as hell.

Another interesting, unrelated thing is that yesterday I decided to post an open invite to a select list of my FB friends to see if they wanted to come along on the trip that I'd offered to Moss. One of the "maybes" who replied is my sometime-FWB in Opposite Coast City, Tasha, the one I had dinner with along with Moss a couple of weeks ago. That could be fun if it works out. Also of possible interest is the fact that one of Rider's major crushes (I've mentioned her here before, but a long time ago; her name is Desiree, and she's a hairdresser) started flirting with me on the thread! I had pegged her for straight! I'd put "share a bed platonically" on the original post, and she'd commented, "Platonically? Boo!"

I think she's totally pretty, but I really had not gotten any bi vibes off of her at all in person. This intrigues me. She's in a serious relationship with a guy, and I'd previously told Rider that I'd "take one for the team" if he wanted to swap with them, since he likes her so much and, while I am not AT ALL attracted to her boyfriend, I also don't find him repulsive. But I guess she likes me? Hmm. I decided to flirt back a little and see what happens. Rider told me that if she does end up traveling with me, he will actually be jealous. I think what he means is envious, hehehe. I wish he could go too, but he can't get the time off of work, not to mention being able to afford the plane ticket. Even if Desiree can't go on the trip, I am totally curious about how this flirtation is going to shake out.

I've been thinking a lot more about the weird occasional jealousy I get when it comes to Kelly. I logicked my way through it when it actually happened, but I've been trying to do some inner work to try to make it less likely to happen again. I'm not 100% sure why it happens ONLY in relation to Kelly and not to any other girls, but I suspect that it's a combination of the two factors of her being the first NEW person he's been really interested in since we got together (all the others have been longstanding crushes that preceded me) and also her being removed from me distance-wise, so he gets to be in "vacation mode" when he visits her, and it seems really special.

I know where I WANT to be with it, and that is a place of total compersion for him and of friendship with her. I am totally capable of it, it's just a matter of finding the path. I am really happy that he's connected with someone who seems sweet, smart, and friendly, so I've gotten that far, at least. And I had fun that first weekend hanging out with her, so we do like each other. And I know she's no threat to me—she definitely does not want to "steal Rider away from me." Nor does Rider want to be "stolen." I get closer and closer to that place that I want to be, the more that I think about it. I mean, Rider wrote me a song last month with lyrics saying that no matter where each of us may roam, for him, when he is with me, he is at home. We are each other's home. When I think about that song, it completely destroys any jealousy that I feel in a moment. I apply it to my soul like a salve.

When I think about Kelly's upcoming visit, for MOST of it, I feel happy at a chance to get to know her and happy for Rider that he gets to spend time with someone he cares about. The only part I feel weird about anymore is the idea of parting at the end of the night to go home alone when he gets to remain with her. And maybe a little bit of worry that I will feel neglected if he gives her more affection than me when we are hanging out, which is what happened the second time we all hung out. I know it's actually FAIR that he give her more affection, since he sees her less often, but inner-child-brat does not understand logic and fairness very easily. It's not THAT he likes her or THAT he wants to do things with her that bother me—it's some sort of combination of my inner-child-brat's fear of being alone at the end of the night and fear of not getting attention in a moment...totally a flaw to be worked on within myself. So, yeah, picking these things apart, thread by thread, and coming to understand them and vanquish them, hopefully well in advance of the day arriving. I suppose I'll keep revisiting the topic here as I work through it.

There are definitely things clicking into place, though. I can see that place where I want to be—it's on the horizon rather than over it. I see myself being that super-cool girlfriend who earns my partner's respect and admiration by being secure and unshakeable (which is basically how I feel about Rider: he's some sort of totally jealousy-free compersion-generation machine, and it's impressive). I see myself hugging them both at the end of the night, saying "Go have fun!" and meaning it, and going home to work on my writing or my music or happily watching Netflix solo with a glass of wine. And I actually WAS that person at the beginning of their connection: I pushed them to stand together at the concert, and arranged it so that Rider could sit between the two of us on the couch. Along the way, though, something got queer. I'll right whatever it is, and get back to the sweet spot. If I can imagine it, I can do it!
 
Just got off of videochat with Moss. He apologized for breaking up with me via IM and said he didn't realize that it would bum me out. He said that he realized with hindsight that that was his own "lack of situational awareness." He then went into a very long explanation of how things are going with his girlfriend and how they got there and more backstory, wrapping up by saying that he doesn't know if it's going to be something long-term or if it will implode at any moment, but that he really likes her and he's having fun. I told him that, luckily, he doesn't need to decide that right now—he can just take it day by day. And I really am happy for him. He still wants to keep up our weekly videochats, so that is good, I guess.
 
I've been trying to find time for this blog all week, but it just hasn't happened until now. I have been so very busy, and a few eventful/strange things have happened.

Friday night, Rider and I went out with some friends to watch our friend's wrestling match. Pablo showed up, and a bunch of us ended up going to a bar after the match. Some of our friends got really drunk and started annoying us, so Rider and Pablo and I split and went back to Rider's place. We all made out a bit, and we offered for him to stay, but he had to work in the morning, so he declined. He messaged me a bunch the next day showing regret that he hadn't stayed and just sucked the lack of sleep up. Rider told me that when I was out of the room, Pablo had laid all his cards on the table about how attracted he was to both of us. Rider is really curious about playing with him. He's never done more with a guy than just kiss, and he's said that Pablo is the only guy he's ever been attracted to where the attraction remains after they hang out. Otherwise, he'll have a rare passing attraction that vanishes when they actually talk and he "realizes he's talking to a dude." Rider says he's not sure how far he'd actually go with Pablo, but at the very least, he's interested in all playing together and seeing what happens.

Saturday, we had a baby shower to go to, and I let Rider sleep in while I ran the errands that needed running and picked us up some iced coffees. The baby shower was not really our scene, but it was one of Rider's best and oldest friends, so we went and had a decent time. They did a "elementary instruments jam" with people rocking out on ukeleles, plastic pianos, and kazoos, so I chimed in with a recorder for a while, and it was a lot of fun. While the baby shower was going on, I was messaging back and forth with Desiree. She wanted to hang out later that day. Rider and I were really stoked about it, and we returned to our part of town to meet her.

What happened from that moment on was kind of a clusterfuck. Rider and I went to the bar where Desiree wanted to meet us. We were expecting only her, but she showed up with her boyfriend. Well, OK, that was fine. We chatted for a while, during which it came up in conversation that Desiree was, indeed, straight. Hmm, OK. Odd that she'd been flirting with me online then, but at least my gaydar isn't broken. Still, I was having a good time.

I'd previously talked to Rider about "taking one for the team" if he wanted to hook up with Desiree in a swap, and I figured this was my chance to make good on that offer, so we went back to Rider's place. And for a little while, things went OK. Rider and Desiree were in Rider's room listening to records, while I was chatting in the living room with her guy. He mentioned that they were actually recently broken up, but still living together. OK, now that made things even weirder. But I was still coasting along, trying to give Rider his space to make his move. But then.

The guy said something really offensive that left me feeling like he thought that because I was down to swing, that I was not really worthy of respect. I got pissed off, and in my drunk-logic, I figured I could just walk home (only two blocks) and leave them to have a fun night together, sans me. Of course, that's not how it actually worked. Rider ended up wanting to chase me, and he came after me, saw how pissed I was, let me go home, and then dropped them off at a bar so he could come be with me. He said that he messaged with Desiree, who expressed a lack of surprise that the dude "probably said something awful." Great. That's the last time we're hanging out with HIM. We'll probably wait until Desiree and the dude are no longer living together before we hang out with her again.

Desiree is someone who I totally would not mind Rider dating, as long as I had to hang out with her only in small doses. She's a bit boisterous for me to want to spend extended periods of time with her, but I do really, really like her. I think she's pretty and super sweet, and she has great taste in music. She's just one of those people who's always joking and talks really loud, which taxes my energy more than most people do.

Sunday, Rider and I just had a quiet day together. My roommate had let my cat escape while I was sleeping, so I searched for her and finally was called by a neighbor who returned her. Rider and I got a diner breakfast, then returned to bed, where we stayed, being naked and frisky until well into the afternoon. Then we ran some errands and spent the remainder of the day laid out on the futon, catching up on our TV shows and eating pizza. Desiree had left her phone in Rider's car the previous night, so she stopped by to get it and give us hugs. I was happy that she didn't blame the night's drama on me. Rider and I had some more playtime before bed. I felt so in love and peaceful and recharged after that day. It's always the lazy, one-on-one days that do that for me, though the wild, populated days are fun in their own way.

(continued...)
 
(...continued from previous)

Monday, Rider and I did yoga for the first time in too long. It felt great! Then we played music until I was too tired to keep going, so we just had sex and went to sleep.

Rider's normal "man date" with his wrestling friend was moved from Tuesday to Wednesday, so Rider wanted to use a movie coupon he had that was good only on Tuesdays, but there was nothing at that theater that we wanted to see, so we did Taco Tuesday downtown. The taco place is only a couple of blocks from the park where we had our first kiss, so we walked there and sat in that spot to do our three-minute eye-gazing thing. It was super romantic! Then we returned to his house with movie-type snacks to watch a movie on his couch instead. We watched Django Unchained on Netflix. He'd seen it, but I hadn't, and I liked it.

One really weird thing about that night was our dreams. Rider and I both had a dream that had Kelly in it and ALSO had a rocket shooting through a roof. How random is that? Also, I woke up from the dream thinking that Kelly and one of Rider's exes had the same initials. And they do! In the morning, Rider told me that his ex's middle initial was "L" and I asked Kelly what hers was, and it was also "L"! So weird that I would dream that, and even weirder that it was true when I didn't actually know in either case.

Wednesday, Rider had his man date, I worked late, then talked to Oona on the phone for a bit. After Rider got back, we decided to see if we could catch some of the Lyrid meteor shower. We went down to the water and lay on a blanket, holding hands and staring at the sky. We saw three meteors between the two of us, but we never saw the same one as each other! Then we went back and cuddled and had super slow, super sensuous sex. I'm really loving the fluid-bonded thing with Rider. So many sensations! Another super romantic night.

Last night, Rider and I went to the brewery for a jam session with our music friends. I was brave and sang a couple of Fiona Apple songs, even though they were playing a half step down and I usually scrape the bottom of my range for those songs. Surprisingly, I had no trouble hitting the notes, and people applauded for me! I even got pulled aside at the end of the night by a really musically accomplished friend to tell me how awesome I sounded. I was very tickled. I don't have a lot of confidence in my musical ability, so compliments always make me feel great. Also, I have a little crush on that friend (which I will NEVER mention to anyone other than Rider, because that friend is monogamously partnered and his girlfriend is my friend and the jealous type), so the compliment was doubly welcome. It's funny about that crush; the guy is not someone I'd normally find physically attractive, but he has such a kind heart and is so talented that I find his looks growing on me.

After the brewery (where Rider and I each had only one beer because it was a weeknight, and we are trying to be good on weeknights), we just came back to my house and had some sexytimes and went to bed early (for us). I lay awake for a while, thinking through the poly/jealousy/compersion stuff I've been working on lately. I think I'm making strides, but I suppose I'll only know for sure the next time I am challenged by something.

This weekend is a big weekend: I'm meeting Rider's mom for the first time! She and her boyfriend will be arriving tomorrow morning and staying through Sunday afternoon. Yesterday, Rider and I cleaned his apartment before going out to the brewery. One cute thing that happened was that he ordered us a pizza for pickup so that we could have a quick dinner while cleaning, and when he went to pick it up, they had trouble finding it because they had it under his first name, but my last name, since we order from the same number pretty often. I joked that he was my wife, and he said that he'd love to be my wife. It was super cute.

Tonight, I am having Girls' Night Out, but only for a couple of hours: dinner and a couple glasses of wine. Then Rider is going to pick me up, and we are going to go see Candace dance at a bar about 30 minutes away. She'd fallen off the map completely for a while, but she recently resurfaced. I'm still very interested in her, and I definitely want to catch her go-go act. Then we want to try to go to bed early, so we can rise bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to greet Rider's mom.

We'll be hanging out with his mom all weekend, with the exception of popping in to make an appearance at my roommate Anna's boyfriend's birthday bash tomorrow night. She's worked really hard on the party, so I'm curious to see how all the decorations turned out. She's been doing papier-mâché in our living room for like a month now. But, yeah, most of the weekend will be mom-time.

One weird thing is that Moss messaged me yesterday, asking about the dates on that trip. I told him what they were, and he hasn't said anything else since then. I'm supposed to videochat with him today, so I guess I'll get an explanation then. Is he thinking of coming along after all, platonically, despite our breakup? Have things already gone south with the new girlfriend? I'm a bit nervous to find out, because I am not sure I want to get on the roller-coaster of on and off with him. Last week, I was crying. This week, I've been mostly better. I feel conflicted abut the whole idea. I guess I'll see what he says.
 
I just realized I never updated here on the insect problem. I think we determined that somehow no-see-ums had taken up residence in Rider's apartment, because tiny, barely visible flies kept ending up in his CO2 trap. We set up more traps, and I think we must have gotten them all, because Rider hasn't been getting bitten anymore. With the light trap catching most of the termites, and the CO2 traps catching the no-see-ums, Rider's apartment is a lot less infested these days.
 
So much has happened lately, and I just wrote a really long post that was lost to a computer crash. Sigh. Starting again…

So, Friday I never ended up hearing from Moss regarding why he was asking me about the trip dates. I inquired why I hadn’t heard from him, and he said he’d had a work emergency that lasted all weekend.

Friday night, my Girls’ Night Out ended up just petering out to me and one other girl. Since our boyfriends were giving us both rides, we turned it into a double date instead. It was pretty fun. Then Rider and I went to go see Candace. They put her on a bar shift instead of go-go dancing, so we had a couple of drinks with her at the bar. I confessed to her that I wanted to make out with her. Good times.

Saturday morning, Rider’s mom and her boyfriend came over, and we went and had a diner breakfast, then went to the flea market. Rider and I split off from them to go to the indoor part of the market, because Rider doesn’t like being in the sun (he’s a natural ginger who burns to even think of the sun), and while we were separated, I bought Rider a pretty red dress to wear for me. Then we linked back up and went back to Rider’s place. His mom wanted to hear some of our songs, so we performed for them. I was so nervous! What an intimidating audience! Not really—she’s actually a very nice lady. But it’s nerve-racking performing for my partner’s parent! They really liked our songs, even though I didn’t do a very good job because I felt like my heartbeat was trembling into my voice. Then they went to their hotel to freshen up before dinner. Left alone, Rider and I had some great sex, then off to dinner with them. Dinner was good, and we made plans to meet up again for breakfast the next morning. I think they really like me, and it seemed like they think that Rider and I are good together.

That night was my roommate’s boyfriend's party. Rider and I were dragging our feet about going, having woken up earlier than usual. But once we got there, we had a really good time. The enthusiasm was contagious. And there were a lot of hot girls there. I ended up having a tri-smoochie with two of them! One of them, Laura, is a 29-year-old hippie painter, and I think she might want to play with Rider and me at some point. The other one turned out to be only 23; I’d thought she was about 28 or so. I have a thing about not sleeping with people who were born in the ‘90s, but she makes me want to disregard it. We’ll see what happens.

Sunday morning, we got up and did breakfast with Rider’s mom, then said our goodbyes. It was the first time she’d visited in six years, and Rider doesn’t go up there very often either. Rider was actually raised by his dad. He was telling me after she left that her leaving to move five hours away from him as a child was the saddest moment of his childhood. It’s been such an ongoing theme in his life. He was adopted, so he was first given up in infancy by his birth mother, then left behind with his dad by his adopted mother. Then he has had three different really important girlfriends of his move away from him as well. After thinking long and hard about it, I refuse to be part of that. I won’t go to Opposite Coast unless he comes with me, which is something that he is sounding more positive about now that Claire is no longer a factor to consider. I’m with him for the long haul.

Sunday night, Rider had a sporting party to watch a wrestling event. I cooked, which was fun. Pablo attended, and I was feeling sparks from him for the first time since that first night I met him when he stuck his foot in his mouth a whole bunch and turned me off. Since then, I've been appreciating him aesthetically, but the sparks were not there. He ended up staying after everyone else left, and we had a threesome. Pablo and Rider were both really nervous—Pablo because it was his first threesome and he really likes both of us, and Rider because he’d never been with a guy before. He liked it, though, and he said he’d like to do it again. He said there was something really cool about touching another guy and watching him react. I asked whether it was cool like arousing or like intellectually interesting, and he said a little of both. So I guess Rider has finally found that guy that he is just bi enough for. It was really hot. Rider didn’t use anything but his hands, but he said he’d like to go farther next time.

Last night was mostly a recovery from the events of the weekend. I heated up some leftovers and we watched shows until we were ready to go to bed. Rider put on the red dress I’d bought him and let me make him my girlfriend. That’s always a good time.

Rider and I have also recently discussed how the Kelly-visit weekend is going to go. It’s less than two weeks away now. I’m feeling good about it, but I realized that I wasn’t sure what he was going to expect of me. I know he says she’s a FWB rather than a girlfriend, and I know that with any other FRIEND of his visiting, I’d be hanging out the entire time. So I asked him what he’d had in mind. He said that he does want me to hang out, rather than making myself scarce, but that he wants to make sure he has some time to have sex with her each day. We also tossed around the idea of a threesome, since at this point, I think I am willing to “take one for the team” because I know that Rider is really into her and that being with both of us would be super hot for him. I also think that it might bond her and me closer together, which could improve compersion generation. Rider and I agreed that we will come up with some sort of signal for when it is time for me to leave. I think Pablo is down to hang out with me one of those nights too, which could be fun.

And I guess the biggest piece of news, which is why I have saved it for last, is that I made a decision about something I’ve been thinking about for a long time now. I’d been thinking about it before Rider and I even reached the year point, but then there was much tumult, and it was too soon. Now that things have settled, Rider and I have had many, many good talks about everything. Things get better every day, and each day that we spend together is amazing between us. We both have our freedom, and yet choose to spend almost every day together. We are each other’s home. We’re able to discuss our connections with other people in a logical yet compassionate manner, and we both want to keep our relationship non-monogamous. We’re both committed to personal growth, to poly, and to each other. We have an amazing sex life that keeps improving and expanding. We have a list of things that we want to do together that will take a lifetime to complete. And as he said to me the other day, a lifetime is exactly what we have. So I decided that I really do want to marry him.

I’d been turning the idea over in my head for weeks, trying to think of a smooth way to get his ring size. One idea that I’d had recently was to try on a bunch of jewelry at the flea market “just for kicks” and then take note of which ring had been on that finger. But when happenstance actually brought us to the flea market this weekend, I realized that was a) kind of impossible and b) actually not smooth at all. Haha. So Sunday afternoon, after working all weekend to overcome my shyness, I just asked him if he knew his ring size. And he immediately knew why, because we’d talked a bit about it before. And I knew that he’d know why, which is why I was so shy about it.

He was really super sweet, and he said he’d find it out for me ASAP. He held me and kissed me and did this “tail wagging” thing that he does when he’s really happy. In that moment, I knew it was really going to come true. I told him I could just order a sizer thing from Amazon. I’ve already had a ring in mind, and it’s a custom order that will take 3 to 4 months. And I still need to save for a few more weeks because, even though it’s not very expensive in the scheme of things, I am a very poor person. So it’ll be the end of August before I have the ring in my hand. And August 22 happens to be both a Saturday and the halfway point until our next anniversary. It seems fitting. I’d like a long engagement because we will need to save up for a long time to have even a small wedding. I figure around the three-year mark of our being together is logically reasonable, financially feasible, and with the way that time flies when we are together, it is also right around the corner.

So, yeah, everything is good on the homefront. Rider and I are immensely enjoying each other and enjoying our peripheral connections to other people. We have lots of fun potential connections on the horizon. We’re beginning to lay plans to build a future together. I love him more every day, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. SQUEEE!
 
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Oh my god, Reverie, I was reading your update and realizing I totally ship you and Rider, as the fandoms say. :D I am so happy for you guys, that you've come to the conclusion that you want to be together for the long haul. You're kind of my poly role model, to be honest.
 
Aw, thank you, thirteenth! I'm not sure I'm in much of a position to be anyone's poly role model yet, but I do honestly believe that in being poly, I am on the right path and doing the thing that is most likely to allow me to form lifelong romantic connections.
 
Exciting news Reverie! Congrats :D
 
Hey, make sure he knows your ring size, too!

:confused:

Hehehe! I'm going to do the proposal/engagement gender-bendy style, because that's what we're both into. He leans submissive and loves to be my girlfriend, and he got a real kick out of a mistake the pizza place made when they had him listed with my last name, like he was my wife. So usually, the woman wears a ring and the guy doesn't, but we're going to do the opposite, at least for a while. If he wants to get me something down the line, he can, but it's not important to me. I especially don't go in much for "fancy" jewelry. Eventually, we'll shop for wedding bands together. The ring I've picked out is kind of like a guitar fretboard, but also kind of mimics the "circle in the center" thing of traditional female engagement rings, while still looking masculine enough for everyday wear. He's a guitar player, and music is something that we share and that we initially bonded over back when we were still just friends. I imagine he'll transfer it to the right hand once we have bands. I'll put a pic in my albums for y'all to see. :D

Exciting news Reverie! Congrats :D

Thank you so much! I'm keeping it under wraps IRL until I actually get the ring and give it to him, but I tell my blog (and hence everyone here) everything in real time. :)
 
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So, updated talks on the Kelly visit:

Going into a little more detail about it last night, Rider explained that he "cares about her quite a bit so she's more than FWB, but it has a sort of non-committal feel to it at the moment because she's moving away at some point." It seems like they're doing sort of an in-the-moment thing that is slowly escalating inch by inch. I had previously asked him where he thought it was going, just to know what to expect and to satisfy my own curiosity, and I don't really think that he knows what HE expects or what HE wants. So I left that at that.

But that still left me in a conundrum of how I'm supposed to treat the visit. So we talked about it a while, and we decided that they'll do half the time solo and hang out with me the other half of the time. He'll meet her after work on Friday and they'll do the one-on-one thing until dinnertime or so on Saturday, at which point I'll meet up with them and we'll do dinner, drinks, sex if she's into it, and then we have all planned to go to a yoga class on Sunday morning.

I sensed a very slight bit of wariness on Rider's part about how I might behave. He was sure to be emphatically clear to me that he wanted to get "QT" with her, and for her not to "feel like she's crowding us, or that she's a third wheel," and that he wanted her to "have a good time no matter what." I was mildly taken aback that he thought that I'd behave in a way opposite to any of that, to the point where it needed to be said. My mother raised me to be always considerate of the guest, and I do not believe that I've given him any reason to ever doubt that I would do exactly that. When someone is visiting, or when we are having a threesome with someone, I try to make sure that the main focus is on that person feeling comfortable and happy. I did not outwardly question his emphasis on that, though, because I am happy that he chose to communicate.

What I did say was this:

"I don't plan to exclude her. You know that my policy, in general, is to focus on the guest and make the guest feel comfortable. Of course I want her to have a good time. I'm operating here with a very complex set of motives:

- wanting her to have a good time
- wanting you to get whatever it is that you want
- wanting to get to know her better
- wanting to get experience in this new kind of poly (more inclusive, more group hangouts) and therefore get to know myself and you better
- wanting myself to be a part of every part of your life as much as possible without being intrusive

"Ideally, I'd like to actually be her friend, and talk to her about all kinds of stuff, including the nature of poly. I feel like I actually have to spend time with her to make that happen, though, you know? I promise that I'm not trying to hang out only to, like, step on your connection to her or something.

"It's weird, because one thought that crossed my mind was the idea that I might be 'taking' time from her, by wanting to hang out and be her friend, but then I realized that's totally a line of thought left over from the previous polyship. One of the WHOLE POINTS of doing things the way that you and I want to do them is that there is no giving and taking like that; instead, there is sharing. And because you and I are very intertwined, for her to come here and see 'your life' means that she is with me too. There will be no more weird long chunks of time where we can't see each other because we have another partner who requires separateness."​

Everyone who reads this blog has probably noticed that when things get really confusing in my mind, I just break them down into bullet points to try to find my way through. I'm going to do that here again.

I know that it is impossible to control the way that other people feel, but I can strive to make things happy and comfortable for other people and for myself as much as possible.

The way that I want to help Kelly to feel while she's here:
- Happy
- Welcomed (by Rider and by me)
- Comfortable
- Having fun
- Not left out during my interactions with Rider
- Like she is able to get to know Rider better
- Like she is able to get to know me better
- Like she is able to get a sense of how Rider and I live our lives

The way that I want to help Rider to feel while Kelly is here:
- Happy
- Loved
- Having fun
- Like he is able to get to know Kelly better
- Like he is able to get a better sense of what it's like to be a hinge in an inclusive situation
- Like he is lucky to have a primary partner who is in control of her emotions and welcoming to metamours
- Like he has enough space and freedom to get what he wants out of his connection to Kelly

The way that I want to be able to feel while Kelly is here:
- The excitement of making a new friend with whom I have at least one very important thing in common
- Not feeling left out during Rider's interactions with Kelly
- Like I am able to get to know Kelly better
- Like I am able to get a better sense of what it's like to be an arm of a V in a more inclusive situation than I have been used to
- Compersion at Rider's happiness at hanging out with both of us at once
- Not too lonely as I undergo the increasingly rare experience of time without Rider, especially at night

I feel that in becoming Kelly's friend, there will be less to ever feel jealous of. I think part of what I identified in my previous twinges of jealousy about her as opposed to ALL of the other girls that Rider has pursued over the course of our relationship is that she is the first who came after me who was "only his project"; otherwise, even the straight girls, such as Desiree, have been crushes of his to whom we have schemed together to bring him closer. The times when I have been "in on it" with him regarding Kelly, such as when I positioned myself so that he was between us at the concert, or the next day on his friend's couch, I have felt happiness and compersion at seeing him so content. The times when I have been completely separate from it, miles away or expected to go off with Sam and do my own thing, have been the times when something has scratched at me.

I think that once she and I can get to know each other better, and we can all sort of be "in cahoots" on various things, any weird feelings will probably subside. In general, I *love* sharing Rider with my friends. I think he's the best lover I've ever had, and that any woman who doesn't experience him is kind of missing out. Sharing is caring. And thinking about all of that and considering that over the past couple of weeks has made me feel very positive about everything. Sometimes there is still the feeling that I am standing at the edge of a precipice that I can go over at any time, which is why I'm still processing and digging and working on it, but the important part is that I am not in active free-fall. I have found solid ground and am slowly and purposefully backing away from that edge.

One of my biggest flaws is that I care too much what other people think about me. I am working on it, and I am a lot better than I used to be. Maybe part of that really wanting to be friends with metamours is sort of a "like me so you treat me with respect and make sure not to hurt me" thing. I try to consider metamours' feelings, but I am a little gun-shy about mine not being considered, probably because of the whole Rider+Claire situation. If you don't know someone at all, it's easier to view them as non-human, a non-entity, and therefore to try to take what you want at the expense of others. I don't think that Kelly in particular would do that—she seems genuinely sweet—but I think I have residual wariness of people in that position in my life (involved with Rider), because the last person in that position manipulated Rider to my disadvantage. I don't THINK he'd allow himself to be manipulated in that way again (Claire seemed to have superpowers for that sort of thing), but it will take some time for me to heal and stop being wary.

(As an aside: one thing I found out yesterday that I didn't know but SUSPECTED before...Rider told me that when he told Claire about the Christmas debacle and how hurt I was, she expressed schadenfreude. He was shocked by it, and didn't tell me about her exact reaction, probably because he didn't want to further poison the waters between her and me. So I was right all along in believing that she placed more value on the bits of him she got that took something away from me and hurt me. I was more hurt by that event than by anything else in our relationship, and she was PLEASED by it! Maybe she is a bad person after all. No matter how angry I ever got at her, I would never be pleased to discover she was in pain.)

Back on topic:

I am actually really looking forward to this experiment in kitchen-table poly. It is what I ultimately want, but like anything else, it requires practice. The only kind of poly I currently have experience with V-arm-wise, is a much more separate kind of thing (against my will), so now is my chance to jump into the deep end of the kind I aspire to. I imagine it will be something like jumping into grad coursework: a bit challenging, but very rewarding and something about which I am passionate. :)
 
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Interesting turn of events:

I was thinking about my last post here, and I suddenly got a flash of brilliance. I thought, "I should message Kelly and ask her if she would be into tying Rider up with me!" So I ran it by Rider, double-checking that she might be into that sort of thing (though I was pretty sure I remembered hearing that she was), and also to make sure that's something HE would be into (though I was 99.99% sure that he would be).

So last night, I messaged her, asking if she'd like to be my partner in crime in such an endeavor, and this morning, she messaged me back saying that she thinks that's a great idea and...

...we've been literally chatting all morning ever since. And it is the best thing.

That is all. Thank you internet for letting me pour all of my thoughts all over you, which then organizes them for me into the right thing to do to make everything awesome.
 
I have decided to take this thing and run with it! All week, Rider and I have been talking about how we were going to put him in his chastity device today and make him wear it to work. For those not familiar, it locks a cock up and makes it pleasantly uncomfortable (at least for people who are into it) when the guy gets hard. So basically, I lock him into it and then send him sexy messages all day to torture him. Today, I decided I wanted to enlist help with the torture, so I messaged Kelly and asked her if she wanted in on it. She totally did!

So she and I have been tag-team torturing him all day, conspiring together and messaging him individually, and just generally driving him crazy. It's been insanely hot. She's really good at this stuff and told me that she's "quite practiced in torture." I am not—I'm pretty new to it all—but I'm getting better. I told her she needs to give me some pro-tips, and she has been.

AND THEN...

I decided to get Oona in on the fun, too. Oona writes adult copy, has access to an entire database of dirty pictures, and is really, really good at teasing and torture, having done a short stint as a pro domme. Plus, she was Rider's very first threesome, so he has a special place for her in his...heart...or spank bank...or something.

So the three of us have been just making his life a very pleasant hell all day. Kelly and I devised a to-do list that he must complete before I will set him free, which includes fetching me cocktails in a dress and servicing me sexually. I have promised Kelly photographic evidence of his IRL torture after he gets to my house, and she practically squeed and told me I am fun.

I have discovered that this is one really, really good way to get rid of any metamour tension: set up a situation in which you are teammates working toward the same nefarious goal. Also, I am really discovering my evil side, which is a lot of fun, since I have spent most of my life being a malleable creature of light and goodness.

ALSO...

After all of that fun is over, I'm supposed to contact Candace and we're maybe meeting her for a drink out. Rider is in a veritable poly heaven right now, and I am feeling BOTH turned on AND also a large dose of compersion. I am on the right track with this thing.
 
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