One thing I did do was tell my sweetheart's secondary that when we all three ride in the car, I ride shotgun. I told her it was irrational and silly of me, but that somehow I needed it, and she was beyond nice about it.
I totally get this. We all have our things that make us feel grounded and secure. For me it's being the driver or at least being the one who decides who drives. It makes me feel secure and grounded. No one in my tribe minds that I make that decision for everyone... in fact at work I require the same boundary.
I see this being the same for Mono and his quirks around touch and sexuality. He is not coming from the same place as Nerdist and I or from Derby and my tersiary and non intmate friends even... he is our diversity. If I am someone who is proud to respect others diversity then I need to keep that in mind.
It took some mourning and conflict within himself and us to be okay with that. I am fine with it. I see it as a part of who he is and I do everything I can to respect that and keep up to date with how he is doing with things. It's just a part of our relationship. To me it is nothing more than the idiosyncrasies I have around who is driving and the fact that bettybaker likes to drive shot gun. It's no biggy and can be worked through.
I know it sounds like a crazy situation to some. I mean why the hell would I want to stay with someone who makes such demands and seemingly asserts ultimatums.... it does seem like an ultimatum I realize... that Mono will become less of a love to me and more of a friend than he is now if I don't follow his rules around things... I get that. But I don't mind them and don't feel I am being trapped. He has expressed who he is and needs to stay true to that in order to feel safe and secure in our relationship. His boundaries seem to be my freedom at the moment. I had an open sex life, I need containment now and he offers it too me. It does wonders for our D/s life in that I get to punish him for his demands.
heh. (does that make me a switch?!
)
On another note: everything that Mono and I talk about on here (and others) is pretty much come from hours of talking. None of what we say is coming out of the blue. That doesn't mean that we have all our shit worked out before voicing it on here.... but we talk about everything constantly. Before and after posting. I'm sure this is not big news as I'm sure others do that too, but I try my hardest not to post stuff without having gotten through some of what is going on for us first...so it isn't raw and out of the blue.
This thread has been helpful in that I thought we had covered everything off with the topic of "touch." Turns out we hadn't. Almost every thread brings new things to the surface or at least reminds us of how we have grown and where we are at....
Sure there is stuff that will never change, but I have noticed huge changes in Mono because of the stuff people write about on this forum... I am so grateful as I never would of been able to convince him that I am not crazy and that people actually think differently than him... just his knowing that I think eases his mind and has helped him understand himself and set his own boundaries about stuff.... fluid boundaries for the most part, but ones that haven't blown us a part.
When we realized that if other people can make boundaries that are their own then we can too, we started doing so. Unique to us and diverse from a typical poly situation. Mono/poly relationships are not typical poly ones. They are a different kettle of fish and are as diverse as poly is to mainstream culture... one has to be willing to sign up for that diversity going in. Just like some people would not consider going out with someone who is too different from them, some poly people would not/should not consider going out with someone who is mono... I hope our being on this forum has brought that to light.
That being said, I firmly think that if it weren't for this forum we would not be together. It has kept us together and kept us working towards a sustainable future. I can't express how grateful I am..
Thanks for looking out for me Magdlyn. You are awesome and brave to challenge Mono and his values. I like that you help keep us real and appreciate it.... don't think that this post indicates we had it all figured out all along... we don't and keep at it.