Into The Deep End

So. Um. Hi again.

Not much has changed. Due to a string of bad luck causing financials issues, still not divorced. Still deeply in love. Not a whole lot of changes there.

...

I have a date tonight. With someone else. I'm not sure if it's a date-date or a just-friendly-date. But... Well, I think I'd be happy with either one. So... Yeah. I guess this is where I learn more about myself. And hopefully do it without causing too many problems for others.
 
So... from the beginning, I guess... apologies for typos, it's late.

A few months back, I set up an OKC profile just to talk to people. Light read through my profile and Saw That It Was Good (tm), and the first three matches for me were her (of course) and two other members of the local 'cule.

For the most part, it was... discouraging. Most conversations ended within a few days, and ended with me saying something and never getting a reply. One was interested in how the whole open relationship thing worked and why we weren't exclusive ("Well, her husband would have issues with that." "Oh.") Some fun small talk. But the conversations were either pointless small talk about weather and whatnot, or decent conversations that were fun... but ended abruptly and without warning.

And then, one that wasn't. Someone new had shown up under the poly filters, and we started talking. Some stuff in common; not everything, but enough to give us conversation topics. She was married and recently poly, having met her first Other Whatever, so I talked some about the locals I knew, meetups, etc. During a group thing, she gets introduced to everyone, as it turns out her Other is a member of the local 'cule. All together now: Iiiiit's a small world aaaafter all......

Anyway. We meet up and chat in a park for a bit. And I'm realizing... I kinda like her. I mean, I don't know if she's someone I would pursue if we were both single... but that's part of poly, right? There's no need for someone to fill all your needs. Nobody's perfect, and you shouldn't have to be perfect. So, we met again, I took her to dinner. There was much talking. I was somewhat awkward. And since I'm terrible at reading body language, I decided that it had been a 'just friends' things.

I find out that Light feels a bit jealous. Which at first, makes no sense to me, but then I realize... We've been together for seven months, and suddenly I've gone from 'not looking for anyone, just talking to people' to 'I may be interested'. It's a big personality change, one I'd be worried about in someone else. So we talk, and things seem good, so I go meet... she needs a nickname... let's go with Tree. So I go meet Tree again, at her place. And perform my first rookie fuckup: Light also wanted to spend time with me. So I tell her that I'll text her when I'm leaving and we can go do soemthing. Should be about midnight. You guessed it... I lost track of time while talking. Minor issue there that leads me to a panic attack that lasts all night and into the next day, until we're able to talk things out.

But anyway, that night was... awkward. Slightly uncomfortable. I still wasn't quite sure what I was doing, what I wanted, if I was doing the right thing. I'm also apparently not very subtle. I didn't make a very good impression. But we keep talking, and I talk about some of my reasons for how I was acting, and we decide... no more filters. Just be us. And talking goes well.

Which leads to today. I'd gotten some dating advice from Light, I went over to Tree's place, ready to discuss... rules and boundaries and whatever else... and then watched movies and kissed and cuddled andmostof the awkwardness was gone. It was just the experience of learning about someone new, and... it was fun. And we're not sure exactly what it is... but we're going to keep going. I've got a small hickey on my neck, she's got... a few more... (One of the things with Light and Cool is that, no leaving big, obvious marks. I'll admit... it felt great to tug skin with my teeth, to hear the gasp... it's a need I hadn't realized I needed filled)... and I guess that technically makes me poly now.

And since it's so damn late, I'm going to try to take a nap before work. Then do a fuckton of processing today. I... knew this was a possibility when I started dating Light all those months ago, but I didn't expect it to happen like this, or this fast. Life just got a little more interesting...
 
Sounds like the awkwardness was mostly an side effect of the newness of the relationship (with Tree).
 
Wow. Hadn't updated since then. Okay. Well, sorry I haven't been writing as much.

We had been talking a lot, mostly via text. And there was processing and whatnot. And about a week after my last post, and after a simply amazing weekend that involved many things on many nights and all kinds or awesomeness... We said it.

I'm in love with two women. Who both love me back. Who are getting along well together (with a possibility for a 'know what I mean?' thrown in there eventually). It's...

I think I wrote about this wen it happened. One night, watching TV with Light and Cool, all of us on the couch, both of us holding one of Light's hands... And her looking so peaceful, happy, and content. I felt a bit jealous, thinking I could never be in the mindset to be like that. And then... Last night, at a party, playing cards... One foot rubbing Light's foot under the table, the other rubbing Tree's, their husbands on the other side's of them, other friends there... I felt that contentment. That happiness.

I get it, now. I understand so much better.

... And then there's someone else, let's call her Ink, an acquaintance that I had recently started talking to more, who heard about it and admitted to a crush one, and I admitted to a small one back, and how we've been talking much more often and I get the squees and... Sometimes I just sit back and think, what the fuck happened????

It's strange, reading blog posts from eight months ago here. So much has changed. I begin to wonder how much of me is still me. But I've decided it doesn't matter who I was. Who I am, right now? That's me.
 
So... been a few weeks, again.

I've been thinking a lot. About love. All my relationships before, they sort of... ramped up to my deciding I was in love, and went straight into couple-mode. Expecting to be together, forming a life together, etc. I never really had a chance to sit back and experience different kinds of love.

Light is my soulmate. We've decided this; if we were both single, we'd probably be married. But we know we're going to be part of each other's lives for a long time. It's... it's like how I used to feel about other people, only... there's no chance of marriage. No grand gesture to confirm things. Just this... this overarching presence of knowing that we're meant to be together, throughout whatever else. I love her so much, and in so many ways... we think the same, we feel the same a lot of the time, we've jokes that we hope we're not secretly related.

Tree is... different. Like I said, I don't know if she's someone I'd've even considered dating before. But I love her. It's not the same... it's more... almost paternal, if there's a way to use that term without it seeming creepy. She's a mother of two, and an amazing mother at that, and I find that very attractive. Her personality is... she's sassy and snarky and yet tender and caring. She's very much my girlfriend.

... and then there's Ink. Yes, somehow I've gone and added a third. I guess I can't do things in small steps. Like I said... we sort of found out each other was possibly interested, and things grew from there. We've had all of two dates, but right from the start she said I was calming, comfortable, safe... and I have to admit, so was she. She's... got hidden depths, she's had to deal with a lot of crap in her life, and she's handling it wonderfully, even if she doesn't think so. She's also extremely poly; she lives with her husband and another boyfriend, has a third staying with them for a while, and has... a half-dozen or so other partners in the area, a few more LDRs. Nobody's really sure how she does it... but nobody's ever complained about her not having time for them. I love her. She's... we're not sure what we are. If this is some sort of FWB situation, if there's something more there... it seems to be. If Light is my soulmate and Tree is my girlfriend, Ink is... something different. My manic pixie girl.

I love all three of them. All in different ways. And I don't think I'd realize the differences if I hadn't gone on this weird, wacky poly journey.

Light has been a bit girl-crazy. She's cuddled up with her husband's girlfriend a few times... including all of them sleeping in the same bed. Just sleeping. But still. And I... find it cute. I'm jealous, not of them, but of her, having the time to explore that side of herself.

Tree has been diving into the poly deep end. She may or may not have another boyfriend, she's not sure... and she's been getting the feels for a woman on the other side of the polycule. Again... I find it cute. I'm jealous, not of her others, but of her, for having the free time to devote to all this.

Ink is... well, Ink. She falls in love easy and seems to attract people to her without trying. The weekend after our first date, an LDR moved into her apartment for a few weeks until he gets his own place. I met him when I came over for our second date. He and the other guys in the apartment had to put on headphones that night. And afterwards, her husband shook my hand and said "Welcome to the club. We'll send you a decoder ring." I... found it cute. I'm not jealous of any of them. I'm jealous of her, being able to be part of so many lives. And happy to be one of them.

Life is weird. But enjoyable.
 
You have a complex polycule. ;)
 
Marshmellows? Mmm, soft and sugary. Wait, what were we talking about?
 
S'mores, Kevin. We were talking about s'mores. Pass the chocolate and graham crackers, would you?

Billy, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more comfortable with your situation. And yeah... you definitely don't go small, do you? LOL. It's awesome that you've found three women who fulfill different sides of you!
 
This isn't going to be a fun update, but I need to process a few things.

First, I feel a bit guilty because I haven't been able to find time for Light. It's been a month since our last real date; we had lunch together once, but things keep conspiring to keep us apart. The days I manage to find free time, she's already scheduled. I worry that she'll think I was just a hit-it-and-quit-it guy, and I desperately want to spend more time with her, it's just life. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't think that way. But I still worry.

Tree has managed to hit the dramatic end of the poly spectrum, most of which I won't go into here. About the time I started seeing Ink, Tree started seeing someone... and then someone else... and we both sort of looked at each other and felt like we were moving on past each other, and things became a bit strained until we were able to get some time to sit down and talk. We had mirrored each other; we had both found someone, things progressed quickly, and we felt the other had decided they found someone better. We patched that up... but it plays a bit into the next thing.

This is the big one... a few hours old, so I'm still processing shit. Light had been talking to this guy she met online who was interested in poly. She said he was okay, but not her type. Then one day, she kissed him. She said nothing was going to happen past that. Then about a week later, she commented that she made out with him. But didn't know why, and that would be that. And then tonight, we met to hang out for a bit, and she made sure to tell me up front, so there was no trying to hide it or anything, that she slept with him yesterday.

I admitted that I was having trouble processing that. That I felt blindsided. Cool had had trouble with it too. They've both been having depressive issues lately. So have I. I tried not to let that affect my reactions. I had been through this with Tree in the last few weeks; I tried to remember how I felt then, and how I handled it then. She was remorseful, worried that it was going to change things. I told her I still loved her, that nothing had changed, it was just... part of the lifestyle, sometimes you make bad decisions, or decisions that hurt people when you don't think they will. She had to deal with me finding Tree and Ink faster than she expected... this was just the same thing. I told her we were still fine, that I wasn't -- we weren't going to change because of it.

And I'm hoping I was telling the truth. Because this hurts. Tree... Tree I hadn't known very long, and I knew was looking. Light... I fell in love with her while I was mono. There's still a strong thing there. When she was worried I was going to go off and be uberpoly and leave her behind... I proposed to her. And I meant it. A commitment ceremony or something someday. But I wanted her to know, that's how strong I felt. And she accepted, she feels the same way. And I know it's hypocritical of me to feel this way about her sleeping with someone when I've slept with two since meeting her, but that doesn't make it go away. I feel like what we have is going to mean less.

And yes, I've talked about this with her. And told her everything was fine. Then went home and decided to write this to keep from collapsing into a weepy mess. That voice in the back of my head, the one everyone has but some of us are better at ignoring than others, is screaming at me. I'm beginning to doubt if I'm cut out for this. The good is great... but the bad hurts.
 
And having had a night to sleep it over (and some time to process off other people) I've come to the conclusion I'm not hurt that it happened, but that she wasn't honest about the chances of it happening. And the reason she wasn't honest about that with me is because she wasn't honest about it with herself. So we need to talk about that and make sure she knows I'm okay if it ever happens again, as log as she's open and honest about the fact that it might be happening. I think.

Still got a damn ulcer over this whole thing tho.
 
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