Into The Deep End

So, I'm not sure if this is a poly/mono issue or if this is a married-eleven-years/dating issue... but either way, I'm having an issue.

You ever get that feeling, deep in your bones, that something is -wrong-? And you need to fix it, or warn someone, but you don't know what it is? I've been having that feeling for about five hours now. I took a long walk; I tried eating; nothing is helping. For all I know, it might just be a headache, but it feels like something bad is going to happen, close by. Maybe to family, I don't know. Last time I got this feeling was four years ago when a bunch of us all got 'laid off' at the same time.

So, slightly worried but trying not to show it, I sent out quick texts to the people I cared about checking up on them. Everyone's good; the STBX has seen me go through this feeling before and just asked I check on the kids at the playground (They were good), and my girlfriend... well, I love her. She offered to drop what she was doing and pick me up so we could talk.

And I know that would work. Just being with her makes me feel better. But this weekend was supposed to be family time for her, and I... I have to learn to take care of myself. I need to remember what it's like to live on my own, deal with my own problems. Because I can't be yanking her away from other relationships just because I'm having a bad day.

I'm beginning to see the attraction to being poly. If you need to talk to someone you care about, and one isn't available, then there's others you can talk to. Part of me finds itself wishing that I had more than one person in my life I could open up to, that I could just cuddle with and talk. And the rest of me is... Angry at me? For having this wonderful woman and thinking it's not enough. For being unable to accept that she can't be in my life whenever I want her to be.

I think I may have stretched my mind too far, and it's beginning to bounce back. Just gotta make sure it doesn't spring back too far here. I like the shape it's getting into, I'd like it to stay that way.
 
Keeping this blog will help, I think.

New romance can be quite a rollercoaster. Great highs and terrible lows (or at least jarring worries). Maybe the worrying is an extension of not having a guarantee that the romance will last (because it's new).
 
I was doing better. Honestly, I was. Feeling better, almost feeling good again. We're planning to meet up tomorrow for a bit.

Maybe that should be panned. I don't know.

Her husband posted on... let's just say, a different site. And I read it. And three things hit my brain.

One... I am negatively impacting their relationship. Maybe it's just a little bit. But it's happening, and it's enough that he feels the need to vent about it. I told myself I wouldn't let that happen. I told her, right from the start, that if I'm messing up whatever other relationships she has, I was out. I don't want to be a homewrecker.

Two... the metaphor he used kinda hit home with me. It... let's just say it was much better formed than my car metaphor from a month ago. Kinda made me see things in a new light. One I don't particularly like.

And three... I'm enjoying the hell out of this... right now. I can wrap my brain around some things, I can put others out of mind until I'm in better shape to think them through, but in the end... NRE is a hell of a drug. What happens when it wears off, and I'm no longer the new favorite toy... will I still be able to accept my place of... of... whatever I am, when I'm not getting that sweet, sweet dopamine just by being in her presence? When this guy that... the more I learn about him, the less I like him... when I'm forced to admit that she married him for a reason, and that reason is that she likes all the things that I don't? After all the shit in my life the last six, twelve months... after finally admitting to myself that I need to be happy, that I need to put myself first... after convincing myself that if there was a chance of happiness I needed to try to be with her... what happens if I realize I'm not happy?

I need sleep. And I need to think. It's easy to say things when you're twitterpated. But I need to figure out if I'm writing checks my emotional well-being can't cash. Because I love this woman. And if I can't do this, then I need to say so now before I turn into the kind of asshole my STBX thinks I am. It's better to hurt us both some now than hurt us an awful lot later.

I picked a hell of a month to stop drinking.
 
When I woke up this morning, my laptop was on. There was a... A long, rambling, unpublished blog post for a different site is written. Don't remember writing it. I guess I sent some text messages too.

I'm either sleep-writing, or I had a nervous breakdown. Either way...

I need to pull this together. Fast.
 
Okay. Bit of a long story to post from my phone, so short version: open, honest communication rocks. I'm just not used to being open and honest with myself. It's a bit scary. And I forgot... I'm not in this alone.
 
Yep, a little honest communication can go a long way.
 
So, I suppose I should elaborate on previous posts since it's been a couple days.

... I mean, I was building drama as a literary device to... ah, right, I said no bullshit here.

It's been a busy couple days.

So, Sunday night I had what was, as bet I can tell, a minor nervous breakdown coupled with a depressive fit. I've been dealing with NRE for a month. I've never been so happy for so long. So when my depression finally kicked back in, it kicked HARD and I started freaking out. Also compounding was the revelations of a) The boy has been having issues at school which I have not been informed of, b) STBX and her boyfriend have been looking at apartments just a day or two after saying they might want to stay in/rent the house instead, and c) finding out my son can't wait to move out. That last one hurt more than the others.

I almost... almost, mind you, but still almost... decided it would be better to end things before I succumbed to mental illness and did anything stupid. Which would have been stupid, I know that now, but at the time, not thinking straight. So, girlfriend and I met for lunch because I needed to talk. This, sadly, triggered her anxiety all morning and I'm never gonna feel like I've made up for that. But we talked for a longer-than-normal lunch, and I... I laid everything out. How I felt how I'm not exactly the definition of 'normal' or 'sane'. Depression. The rare neurotic fit. How I hide it because it's cost me a relationship in the past and I didn't want it to happen, but... her? Her, I had to tell.

And she forgave me for being nutso-cookoo as long as I forget her in her neurotic moments. Which, let's face it... Easy promise to make, and it'll be an easy promise to keep.

So Monday's date went off as planned, cuddling with a movie. We have now made it through our first movie without... interruption. Which is a whole other thing that, or some reason, made me very happy. After the nymphomaniac wife, it's nice to feel like I'm -not- being kept around for my body.

... that may be one of the strangest statements I've ever typed.

Anyway, fate arranged for free time on Tuesday as well, and I got to feel helpful with moving heavy stuff, and then cuddling and talking, and then... okay, I'm trying not to be salacious in this blog, but... incredible sex, and the answer to a question I had been wondering about: Am I okay with this enough to make love to another man's wife in his own bed? Turns out, yeah, I am. I realize it may seem like a rude, crude thought... but honestly, it was one of those things that I was wondering if it would cause me... problems. Anyway. Afterwards, discussion of stand-up comedy and YouTube videos, more cuddling, and finally a reluctant return home.

So... yeah. Full recovery from the meltdown, relationship intact (and possibly a bit stronger due to raw, naked honesty), and I'm back to being happy.

... and one possibly-minor, possibly-major breakthrough. We were texting and she was talking about having her husband die her hair a new color, and various suggestions were tossed back and forth, concluding with her saying "Nah. I don't want to look like a total freak. Maybe just a bit of a freak." And my response was "Our freak."

... took me half an hour to realize I'd said 'our' and not 'my'. I'm... not sure what my thought process was there, since I still haven't hung out with the husband much... but I'm assuming that's a good attitude to have.
 
Also, a random thought I had today that... I don't know if it'll help anyone reading this, who knows.

Trying to move your headspace from 'mono' to 'poly' can be a -huge- undertaking. Huge tasks are harder to accomplish. We make it easier by splitting it into smaller tasks.

For example... I, myself, don't know if I have the ability to love multiple people romanticly at the same time. But, I seem to have gotten to a place where I am comfortable with the fact that the woman I love can, and does. So I was thinking about if that makes me some sort of 'Mono-plus' or 'Not-quite-poly' or what, and then it hit me.

If I can accept the fact that I have a metamour, that I have some sort of relationship with him through her, then technically... I'm just someone who gets poly-saturated with a single relationship. That might change in the future... maybe my relationship cap will increase (I warned people: Huge Nerd), maybe I'll revert back to how I was. But for now, thinking of it that way... I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I could belong here. And for someone who, a month ago, was worried about fitting in... that's a good feeling.
 
I, also, have recently decided that (healthy) monogamy is essentially polyamory with a saturation point of one partner.
 
So, quick opinion poll.

I had a dream this morning which involved me, the girlfriend and her husband. I don't usually remember my dreams, but this was interrupted by my alarm, so it stuck in my mind. It wasn't... -extremely- lurid, and I've already psychoanalyzed it from here and back again, and I've decided it was basicly my subconscious saying "Hey, you know when you told her you'd do anything to make her happy? Here's a test." And the rest of me saying "Well, it'd be awkward as hell, but... I guess if it happened I wouldn't run for the hills screaming?"

So, my question is: Do I tell her about this dream, given that I'm not exactly wanting to make that dream a reality quite yet... if ever? Or do I just chalk it up as 'making emotional progress in acceptance' and keep it as a private thing?
 
I wouldn't advise sharing that dream with her at this point. Many dreams just aren't meant to be told to others.

And unless she's expressed an interest in having a threesome with you and her husband (I'm guessing that's what your dream was about, though I can't see where you've actually said so, so I apologize if I'm assuming incorrectly), she might be completely uncomfortable about it, and/or might believe that it's something *you* want to do.

Sometimes dreams are just random things and don't actually mean anything.
 
I presume your dream was of a threesome between you, your girlfriend, and her husband?

I can't think of a particular need to bring it up, although if it comes up in a conversation I don't suppose it would hurt to mention it.

Like KC43 said, sometimes dreams are just random stuff from the snoozing brain. This dream you had may or may not be a booming voice from the Universe.

It's interesting that you had that dream, but not necessarily anything that calls for a lot of fanfare.
 
That's probably as suitable a course of action as any.
 
Well. Last night started well. But it ended... rather poorly.

While the STBX and boyfriend took our son to a wedding reception, I went on a double-date with my girlfriend, her husband, his girlfriend, and another random friend. I realize I really need to start doing nicknames for these people in this blog. Maybe next time. Anyway, we went to a movie. Movie was good. We split up after the movie into our respective pairs; we went for coffee and snacks. Our plan was to head back to my place before the others got back, spend some time with my son, put him to bed, then have some time to spend to ourselves... or possibly fall asleep since we were both tired.

Mistake: We didn't get back first, they did. So we cut the coffee-and-munchies portion of the date short and went 'home'. Someone had decided one of my nephews could spend the night, and I was expected to watch them both; they weren't getting along; my son was in rare form of not behaving, and after I tried to explain to him that the reason his cousin didn't want to play with him was because he was being a brat... he ran to the other room to wake up the STBX and tell her I was ruining the sleepover.

STBX came out, yelled at me for being a bad parent, yelled at her for making me ignore my son, yelled at me more for having her there because it makes my son uncomfortable, yelled in general, and returned to bed. Girlfriend is now very uncomfortable and decides it's best to go home.

The next 24 hours are... highly unpleasant. I get more than a few earfuls from STBX, everything from how bad a parent I am to how bad of a husband I was to how bad of a person I am. I start getting accused of deceit and lies over things that I thought were settled a decade ago. On the other end, my girlfriend has a depressive attack, and whenever I grab my phone to try to text her and put her in a better mood, I get evil-eyes and scoffs. And on the third end, my son is in severe anti-authority mode, saying things like "I don't have to clean anything, Daddy never does anything" and "I just want to move far away from Daddy."

I am psychologically drained. To go from looking forward to a quiet night sleeping next to her to... to having everything sort of ripped away from me... I haven't felt this beaten down in a long, long time. Bullied-in-high-school bad. And every time I try to leave the house... food run, go for a walk, go pick up a mattress so I don't have to sleep on the floor like the dog... I get told I'm being a bad father. Divorce details are brought up. Social services is brought up. I... I realize I'm being emotionally blackmailed, but what can I do? If I could afford to move out, I'd've done it by now. And now, somehow, the fact I have a girlfriend is being used against me despite her having a boyfriend who spends every-other night here anyway.

And honestly... I don't even know if I care anymore. She wants to be gone. He wants to be gone. I will gladly let them go. As soon as I can get enough money together to get divorce papers filed... and that won't nearly be soon enough.

And through it all... my girl. Even depressed as she is over this (and about a few other things too), she's still trying to make sure I'm all right. And I'm trying to make sure she's alright. I found myself glad she has a husband who's able to keep an eye on her and try to cheer her up. I'm sorry to put her through this... this shitstorm that my life suddenly turned into. But its oddly comforting to know she's got other support there.

I think I can call this the nadir of my life right now. Only way to go is up.
 
So, how long will it take to save up enough for the divorce papers?

And there's no way the S2BX could move out before then?
 
About another month or so, I'm hoping. I'm debating the wisdom of dropping a house payment to do so, and then working out a payment plan to make up for the missed payment. Not my preferred choice, but...

And no, she can't move out beforehand. Technically she could if we had the money for it, but as long as we're legally married she doesn't qualify for a lot of state and county programs since my income gets taken into account.

It has also been revealed that said blow-up was partially that-time-of-the-month and partially the-little-brat-just-woke-me-up-and-i-had-finally-gotten-to-sleep... but still. Yeesh.

Light and I (I've decided to refer to the girlfriend as Light for purposes of this blog, as really, she's the light that brightens my day and warms my soul) were able to get a couple hours to share some coffee tonight; We'd both had rough weekends and very much needed to just be able to sit next to each other and cuddle while drinking warm beverages. We were both a bit sad we couldn't get away to someplace more private, but... well, her car has a small backseat, and the last time we snogged in the woods something started hunting us, so...

Okay, minor digression here. I've always found sex... interesting. Fun, most of the time. But overrated for the most part. It usually wouldn't be my first choice of activity. Before Light, there was exactly one person that I could say I honestly looked forward to sex with, and that... well, ended somewhat badly. We were young and stupid. But with Light... I don't know what's different, if it's the NRE or just some other connection we have or... or what, but... this is now the longest stretch between times we've been able to enjoy some private time. We're both feeling the effects. I have never wanted a physical connection with someone so badly. If polyamory means being able to feel that connection with multiple partners... it's a wonder you people ever get out of bed.
 
About another month or so, I'm hoping. I'm debating the wisdom of dropping a house payment to do so, and then working out a payment plan to make up for the missed payment. Not my preferred choice, but...

Having been forced into this position on occasion, I will only say "DON'T DO IT". Drop a utility payment or something else, not the mortgage payment. I have found our utility companies fairly easy to deal with and will make payment plans with very little effort. However, if it does become necessary make the arrangements ahead of time.
 
Do you trust your STBX enough to file papers without a lawyer or mediator (and can you actually do so in your neck of the woods)? In my state, my ex and I were able to do the paperwork ourselves (led to a few fights, but we slogged through it) and just pay filing fees.

The one warning I have is that filing for divorce at the end of the year can be fraught with peril, tax-wise. Post-divorce, I was allowed to claim one child (out of two) on my taxes. The update in my deductions caused me to have to give back a huge chunk of money to Uncle Sam (when I was counting on a refund to help offset the costs of moving out). Timing is everything.
 
One more month then.

Re: the urgent desire for sex ... is caused by NRE, not by polyamory. I've been living polyamorously since early 2006 -- with no new partners between then and now -- and it's been years since I felt in need of sex. Sex is still very good, but going without doesn't bother me.
 
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