Polyamory as a modality for spiritual growth

I'm curious to know if others here are using their poly lifestyle as modality for self-realization.

Having spent a significant amount of time and effort earlier in life trying to "achieve enlightenment" (through religion, psychedelics, music, yoga, meditation, tantra, regularly inducing near-death-experiences and more) I'm now coming to understand exactly how potent being in a poly relationship is for personal/spiritual growth.

It actually reminds me very much of a process/system called "The Presence Process" by Michael Brown. The process is to use a specific breathing practice and set of mantras to induce a state of being that is prone to emotional reactions, with the intention being to learn NOT to react to emotions instinctually but instead learn to sit with difficult emotions, breath through them, and let them dissipate as they will in their own time (a "this too shall pass" type of thing). What seems to result when an emotion is successfully "sat through" is that the emotion either stops surfacing, doesn't hold nearly as much emotional charge, or the ability to respond instead of react becomes possible.

My wife and I attempted to live a poly formatted marriage about 5 years ago, and we failed miserably... 100% my fault and I've learned many lessons from that attempt. After letting go of trying to steer our relationship in any specific direction we have now found ourselves at a place where we are both 100% wanting to have an open marriage and have jumped head first down the rabbit hole so-to-speak.

Having done this we are both now coming to see just how valuable this experience is to our spiritual growth. Being able to confront our collective conditioning as well as our own individual conditioning (which is stirred up by the emotions that surface as we begin to develop relationships outside of our marriage), while simultaneously being able to lovingly supporting each other, seems to be one of the most effective ways of learning to get over our own shit we have ever experienced.

Just curious to hear if anyone else resonates with this or not.

Love,
Carson


I hear what you are saying: that the ups and downs of multiple intimate relationships (or even the ideology of it) lends itself to interesting insights into one's and another's psyche and the whole realm of human relating.

But it's also playing with fire. Fire can be life-saving and interesting, but one must follow certain rules to have safe fire, and not get burned.

Those relationship rules are necessary to follow or your relationship can crash and burn. :) Even more important are life rules for a fruitful life. If we follow these, we gain the ultimate spiritual enlightenment, beyond anything we can obtain in the relationship realm. Relationships can be a window into the soul because they *can* touch on love which is what It is all about. If one does not follow the *rules* one can get eerily close to the abyss of no return, and end up faltering, even thought the quest started out with noble intent.

In other words, for true enlightenment, seek the Source first, not the manifestation of the Source. Study not the flower in bloom, but the life giver of the flower.
 
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@ AGA ... the Bible says all of that?
 
@ AGA ... the Bible says all of that?


I try to be in line with the Bible in all I do, say, and write. I am not sure what your issues are, but bring real questions to the table if you choose to engage me and not all this senseless drivel, please. It really bores me!
 
@ AphroditeGoneAwry ... okay I'll play nice.
 
Okay, so how do we differentiate between that which is with God and that which is without God?
 
Okay, so how do we differentiate between that which is with God and that which is without God?

Sin is without God. Rejecting Jesus is without God. Denying God's word is living without God. Not loving God is without God. Not respecting the commandments is without God. Living for yourself and your idols is without God.


Accepting Jesus is living with God. Admitting you are a sinner is with God. Loving God is with God. Once you love God, you will begin living a life with God.
 
And how does one accept Jesus?
 
And how does one accept Jesus?

Acknowledge that He is the Son of God, that He died for our sins, that you are a sinner, and that you want Him to come into your heart.

When you are sincere, He begins to fill you with true righteousness.
 
I think sincerity is the most important part of that equation.
 
Hi GracieX,

I am certainly not a saint, I get angry and jealous but polyamory is the way I love people and I like that poly requires an open mind and heart--which is my spiritual practice.

This is a good example of why I find living a poly lifestyle helps with becoming more self aware (aka. "spiritual growth). I didn't get jealous very often when I was living monogamously with my wife... and if I did I would make a big deal out of the circumstances that brought those feelings to the surface, externalize them (meaning I would blame my wife for how I was feeling) and then make rules that would ensure that that circumstance (and hence feelings) didn't happen again. Living in a poly relationship I no longer have that luxury (nor do I want it) and I am forced to start looking at my own conditioning that is the reason difficult emotions like jealousy surface.

Love,
Carson
 
Hi Halcyeus,

When you get angry and jealous, how might you deal with that in a spiritual way?

I really like this question. I don't personally think of things in terms of "spiritual/not-spiritual" but if I answer the question "When you get angry and jealous, how might you deal with that in a positive way?" I would say that I do my best to become aware of why I am feeling the way I am feeling, communicate that with my partner(s) and do everything I can not to blame others for my feelings. I will sometimes sit alone, in silence, at the peak of my emotional discomfort and just allow the feelings (and often tears at this point) to wash over me with no resistance. I don't try to distract myself from the feelings in any way and instead do everything I can to feel them as fully as possible. When I do this, I find that eventually the feelings dissipate and leave me feeling radiantly silent and composed and the difficult feelings rarely arise again in the same way in the future.

I like the way that Louis CK explains the process I'm talking about here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c

Love,
Carson
 
Hi River,

I've become increasingly involved in what is called "mindfulness meditation." Curiously enough, mindfulness meditation is neither about seeking to dwell in "peace of mind" or "silence of mind". Rather, mindfulness meditation is mostly about committing to being with (with awareness) whatever is happening right now in our experience -- which involves a lot of awareness of present-moment sensations in "the body". I put "the body" in quotes because "the body" is not the idea we have about "the body," but is rather, the experiential "soma" -- the lived body.

In any case, meditation is not what we think. :D Nor is it opposed to what we think. ;)

I've been practicing and teaching meditation (not mindfulness but a specific mantra meditation, although I used to practice mindfulness many years ago) for several years now and I would attribute nearly all of the positive change I have experienced in my life to the practice. Becoming aware of the body/mind complex's "movements/fluxuations" in every moment is probably the most useful tool we could put in our toolbelt.

I found that the more I meditated, the fewer and fewer "threads" of thought were present in my mind at any given time, and the more aware I became of what I was actually thinking about. This lead to me realizing that most, if not all, of the suffering I experienced was the result of believing thoughts that didn't align with the reality of what was actually happening (aka, I believed that things should be different than they are). Learning to be okay with things as they are, no matter how difficult, was a direct result of meditation (IMO) and I would probably be a much bigger mess than I am now had it not been for a twice daily meditation practice.

Love,
Carson
 
Hi AGA,

I hear what you are saying: that the ups and downs of multiple intimate relationships (or even the ideology of it) lends itself to interesting insights into one's and another's psyche and the whole realm of human relating.

But it's also playing with fire. Fire can be life-saving and interesting, but one must follow certain rules to have safe fire, and not get burned.

Yeah, I'm going to have to disagree with this. The "rules" that one person requires in order to live a "safe existence" are going to vary from person to person. We are all different and unique expressions of human nature and no one is the same as another... so the rules and guidelines necessary for each are going to vary just like we as humans do. And that's not to bring into question the individual goals and journey's of each of us. Meaning, for example, I choose to burn myself regularly, intentionally, for the sake of learning more about myself. In my 20's I literally got addicted to heroin *on purpose* because I wanted to challenge and learn about myself and that was how I chose to do it. Several years later I cleaned myself up, but not until after a suicide attempt, bankruptcy and a trail of fucked up relationships. Would I recommend taking that path to anyone else? Hell no! But it was absolutely necessary for me to travel that road... I wouldn't be writing this post right now if I hadn't. Some of us need to play with fire and get burned in order to really learn our lessons... to each their own ya?

Those relationship rules are necessary to follow or your relationship can crash and burn. :)

What about those of us who identify as "relationship anarchists" or other alternative relationship "styles?" Every relationship is unique, just like the people in them, and to say "these rules must be applied to all relationships or they will fail" is simply not correct. There are a plethora of examples to prove this if you are willing to look at them.

Even more important are life rules for a fruitful life. If we follow these, we gain the ultimate spiritual enlightenment, beyond anything we can obtain in the relationship realm. Relationships can be a window into the soul because they *can* touch on love which is what It is all about. If one does not follow the *rules* one can get eerily close to the abyss of no return, and end up faltering, even thought the quest started out with noble intent.

First, I'm interested in what you are calling "ultimate spiritual enlightenment." I have been in the "enlightenment community" for about a decade now, teaching for about 7-8 of those years and the consensus in the community I am refering to is that "enlightenment" is when the illusion of the separate self is seen through, "the self" is seen in everyone and everything, and the body begins to transmit large quantities of light (hence why enlightened people are usually depicted with a halo). I have a feeling this is not what you are calling enlightenment so it will be helpful to agree on a definition before continuing the discussion I think.

In other words, for true enlightenment, seek the Source first, not the manifestation of the Source. Study not the flower in bloom, but the life giver of the flower.

This I can agree with. But once you come to know your true self (aka "Source") and that knowing is unfaltering, *then* what!?? For me, it was to begin working on the leftover human conditioning, and what better way than to begin by looking at the often unquestioned conditioning resulting from being raised in a monogamous family/society.

Love,
Carson
 
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Anything without God is destined to fail.

How do you (personally) define "God?"

Love,
Carson

P.S> This is my favorite question to ask the Jehovah's Witness and the Mormon's when they come knocking on my door. :D
 
God in Mormon doctrine is very anthropomorphic.
 
Hi K,
God in Mormon doctrine is very anthropomorphic.
Yes, my in-laws are Mormon so I'm pretty well versed in their beliefs. That said though, my experience is that when we personally define God within our own belief systems/frameworks it tends to illuminate things we are sometimes unconscious to. Lots of people who operate within a religious framework end up believing that God is an "all-seeing man in the sky" by default... meaning they don't really investigate what they actually personally believe and end up towing a party line that if they looked at closer might have some questions arise. I have only had one person I have asked this question to actually come up with a definition they can get fully behind in less than about an hour... and that was only one person. Everyone else has struggled to the point of being unable to find an answer they can still believe in after the inquiry begins.

Love,
Carson
 
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Hmmm, I've always (until I left the church that is) been surrounded by loyal members who were quite comfortable embracing the party line. I guess for many the "great" thing about the (LDS) church is that you don't have to think of your own answers, the church provides you with your answers for you. Those who question ... are soon outcast. At least that was my experience.
 
Hi kdt,

Hmmm, I've always (until I left the church that is) been surrounded by loyal members who were quite comfortable embracing the party line. I guess for many the "great" thing about the (LDS) church is that you don't have to think of your own answers, the church provides you with your answers for you. Those who question ... are soon outcast. At least that was my experience.

I think you misunderstood what I was saying... I wasn't particularly clear, sorry.

I totally agree with you that most loyal LDS members (and others too) are happy to toe the party line of their respective religions. Wasn't meaning to suggest otherwise. My experience is that most people who ascribe to any of the Abrahamic religions (in particular, although there are other religions who embrace a dogmatically monotheistic approach as well) tend to believe that God is an omnipotent being who created and rules the cosmos and is the one and only source of moral authority. But what I have noticed is that when people are directed to question this definition, they have a difficult time with it because when it's looked at close enough it all starts to crumble very quickly.

This is actually the case with almost everything we believe to be true (in my experience). Most people are uncomfortable with engaging in an exercise like this though because it can quickly unravel an entire belief system, which we tend to build our identities around, and it leaves us feeling foundationless and existentially lost or alone. The beauty in doing this however is that once our belief systems are unravelled and we become comfortable in *not knowing,* we begin to experience a level of freedom and liberation that is often felt to be completely impossible to achieve prior to the questioning.

Of course this is only my experience, and your mileage may vary, as the saying goes. ;)

Love,
Carson
 
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