Trying polyamory for the first time and finding it hard

Thanks for all the great input guys, it seems the threesome thing is quite contentious! It is something that we've discussed before but I get that it can be quite different to a poly situation, just like 1 night stands are different to long term relationships. I'm still not sure whether I would want to engage with other people but doesn't seem as alien as it once did, can I ask what people's opinions on primary/secondary situations are? Is it possible to work like that or for a healthy situation is equality necessary?

It can work fine if everyone is on the same page. My gf and I each have had "secondaries" where there was or is love between partners, but not as much life entanglement.

You might read this

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
I'm still not sure whether I would want to engage with other people but doesn't seem as alien as it once did, can I ask what people's opinions on primary/secondary situations are? Is it possible to work like that or for a healthy situation is equality necessary?
You're opening another can of worms of a discussion :)
It depends on what you mean by secondary - Magdlyn has pointed you to some good food for thought.

imho, I don't know if you need equality, but you need respect, and you need realistic expectations. There probably are relationships that remain "secondary" in terms of time and commitment or even feelings, which work for all involved for long years. But it's not automatic. Life situations change, feelings change. Basically if you want a "secondary" relationship, you will have to find someone who is looking for something similar and knows why he/she is doing it.
 
Your heart is clearly well-intentioned... but it's NOT solid advice. :(

Group sex (swinging, whatever) is IMO a strong option for fulfilling a sexual need, with reduced expectations that getting one's pipes cleaned REQUIRES longterm Romantic commitment.

But it's NOT the shallow end of the nonmonogamy pool. :rolleyes: If people haven't dealt with their inbuilt monogamist expectations, it's easy to take extramarital sex & try to Frankenstein it into sorta-monogamy.

It strikes me as trying to close "a can of worms" by opening another can. :eek:

I see that, totally!! It is definitely potentially risky. But, I suppose, that poly lifestyle can also be as risky, off the starting block?
But, yes, Raven, I see your point. And dammit, my intentions are good. Thank you for noticing. :)
 
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