Squibdoodle
New member
Hiya, so background: I am 22 F with a partner of over 4 years (let's call him Doodlebug for the sake of continuity), who is a student in the middle of Honours level physics exams at the moment. We have been interested in polyamory for a long time, with the person introducing the concept being myself. It was a case of 'I have this idea, I really think this is how I want to have relationships', then I looked online and discovered there was already a word for my 'idea.' Like when you think of a plot for a story and realise it already exists! We experimented for a while, but for several years have been essentially monogamous - it's just how things have panned out (though we dream =P).
Against the backdrop of 5 upcoming exams, Doodlebug started dating a girl who had not heard of polyamory but in previous discussions with her she indicated she was positive about the concept. Sadly, she had experienced something very traumatising in her childhood and suffers from depression, high anxiety, panic attacks and abandonment issues. This resulted in some tension within the house as at a moment's notice she would switch from being happy and chatty to hiding and being very emotional. They also felt very strongly for one another almost immediately.
Cue me being helpful. I felt bolstered by his confidence (I am normally a very shy person), so after careful deliberation and highly encouraging signals I decided to make my feelings known to a friend who we've both been close to for a long time, and who we used to live with. We had a great conversation and there was clear physical attraction, but after leaving him to think for a few days he decided our friendship was too important and though he liked me a lot he felt he wasn't emotionally mature enough for anything more than what we had. I thought I was prepared for that response, but it turns out while I wasn't looking my wee heart had gone and fallen hard for him over the years, and I experienced a lot of nausea and real actual chest pain of the squeezing, pressing sort that was alarming enough that I was considering going to the gp if it continued. It took a week for that feeling to pass and I still feel tender, like my chest is bruised. So now I am very worried about how my body (and my mind) will react to seeing him again, which I want to do because he is very important to me, but so far I've been fobbing him off with excuses 'cause I feel like I need some time to heal. He doesn't know how much this has affected me and I don't want to tell him for fear of hurting/pressuring him or causing the rift to grow wider.
Of course, feeling like that made me want to reach out to Doodlebug and be comforted by him, but he was already emotionally stretched and pressed for time. He did his best, but any time he suggested to his new gf that he wanted to spend some time alone with me she would panic and become unstable. Not to give the worng impression though, she is lovely, intelligent and remarkably well-balanced for what I understand was not a good upbringing. She is, however, shying away from the whole idea of polyamory and Doodlebug is not sure how much longer they can last. I'm left feeling somewhat responsible for causing her to experience such anxiety and for budening Doodlebug with my own problems.
So I'm all sad and stressed, he's all stretched and stressed and she's one big pile of stress. I am normally known to be an extremely positive laid-back person so all this is taking a bit of a tole on my idealism. Neither of us are feeling jealous or worried about our connection, and we love the whole 'compersion' feeling, but there does seem to be a lot of misery doing the rounds when all we were seeking was happiness and exciting new kinds of cuddles. Will it just take time to sort ourselves out? What should I do about he-who-shall-not-be-named? Can our friendship be the same if I feel so hurt by his rejection? What do we do about the gf who panics when I ask for even a little of Doodlebug's time for my own comfort? She doesn't want to panic but she does nonetheless. How have people dealt with mental illness and polyamory themselves? Ah, I have so many questions... HALP.
Against the backdrop of 5 upcoming exams, Doodlebug started dating a girl who had not heard of polyamory but in previous discussions with her she indicated she was positive about the concept. Sadly, she had experienced something very traumatising in her childhood and suffers from depression, high anxiety, panic attacks and abandonment issues. This resulted in some tension within the house as at a moment's notice she would switch from being happy and chatty to hiding and being very emotional. They also felt very strongly for one another almost immediately.
Cue me being helpful. I felt bolstered by his confidence (I am normally a very shy person), so after careful deliberation and highly encouraging signals I decided to make my feelings known to a friend who we've both been close to for a long time, and who we used to live with. We had a great conversation and there was clear physical attraction, but after leaving him to think for a few days he decided our friendship was too important and though he liked me a lot he felt he wasn't emotionally mature enough for anything more than what we had. I thought I was prepared for that response, but it turns out while I wasn't looking my wee heart had gone and fallen hard for him over the years, and I experienced a lot of nausea and real actual chest pain of the squeezing, pressing sort that was alarming enough that I was considering going to the gp if it continued. It took a week for that feeling to pass and I still feel tender, like my chest is bruised. So now I am very worried about how my body (and my mind) will react to seeing him again, which I want to do because he is very important to me, but so far I've been fobbing him off with excuses 'cause I feel like I need some time to heal. He doesn't know how much this has affected me and I don't want to tell him for fear of hurting/pressuring him or causing the rift to grow wider.
Of course, feeling like that made me want to reach out to Doodlebug and be comforted by him, but he was already emotionally stretched and pressed for time. He did his best, but any time he suggested to his new gf that he wanted to spend some time alone with me she would panic and become unstable. Not to give the worng impression though, she is lovely, intelligent and remarkably well-balanced for what I understand was not a good upbringing. She is, however, shying away from the whole idea of polyamory and Doodlebug is not sure how much longer they can last. I'm left feeling somewhat responsible for causing her to experience such anxiety and for budening Doodlebug with my own problems.
So I'm all sad and stressed, he's all stretched and stressed and she's one big pile of stress. I am normally known to be an extremely positive laid-back person so all this is taking a bit of a tole on my idealism. Neither of us are feeling jealous or worried about our connection, and we love the whole 'compersion' feeling, but there does seem to be a lot of misery doing the rounds when all we were seeking was happiness and exciting new kinds of cuddles. Will it just take time to sort ourselves out? What should I do about he-who-shall-not-be-named? Can our friendship be the same if I feel so hurt by his rejection? What do we do about the gf who panics when I ask for even a little of Doodlebug's time for my own comfort? She doesn't want to panic but she does nonetheless. How have people dealt with mental illness and polyamory themselves? Ah, I have so many questions... HALP.