I'm not even sure where to start. My relationship is on the verge of falling apart because of poly issues, and I'm unable to find support in my local community because we're a small community, and both of us know everyone.
Maybe here I can get some perspective? (Sorry that this post is longggg)
About me: For the past 15-16 years I have not been in committed relationships for the most part, so poly/mono wasn't a real issue. I did what I want with who I want, and moved on. At some point I realized that I really like women and that opened up a whole new world, and now I am in a committed relationship with a woman.
She told me that sexual exclusivity is not something she can do. I was familiar with poly people, and in terms of ideology I agree with it - I don't believe sex gives us "rights" to anyone else's bodies, or that one person should be able to fulfill all our sexual, emotional, and social needs. etc. etc. So fine.
But because this was new territory for me, and caused me some anxiety, this is what I asked for in terms of our poly (which *she* defined as sexual only, not having meaningful emotional relationships in tandem): That if she wants to be with someone, she run it by me to make sure I'm okay with it, while taking the time and effort to make sure I feel safe/secure in how things are happening. The idea being that I would alleviate my fears and anxiety, and things could progress to a more open practice, or alternatively - that I would realize soon enough that 40+ years of patriarchal conditioning is not something I can just toss aside, much as I would like to.
In practice - she went behind my back, and then told me about it afterwards. I felt incredibly betrayed. She insisted that what she did was fine and I'm trying to "own her pussy" while I actually didn't feel overtly threatened by the sex itself (which was a relief) but rather that she violated our contract. We made up, but that was a blow.
The next time, she told me in advance, I said okay. Only this was in the middle of a crisis between us in terms of OUR sexual relationship, and things were a bit wonky. We went to bed, and had a very deep conversation about things, including some of our trust issues, and I told her about some really abusive things that had happened to me in a previous relationship that was with someone ostensibly poly. At which point she shut me down and said some really hurtful things - because her assumption was that I was trying to prevent her from doing what she wants. We basically almost broke up that night, but made up, and discussed how we really need to work on trust. The next day she went ahead and slept with the guy. Now, I didn't feel that was in line with the crisis we had just had - I'm trying to get to a point where I trust her, and I felt my trust being chipped (or bludgeoned) away.
To make things worse, this guy she hooked up with was violent with her, and she went into crisis mode. She didn't tell me what happened - just took all her anger out on me for the next 3-4 weeks, which we barely survived. She was so abusive towards me during this time, throwing every accusation in the book, and I had no answers for her. I just wanted out. But when I realized she was in post trauma, I softened. But now I'm feeling a pattern - that my issues don't deserve attention, only hers do.
Her traumatic experience slowed her down for a while, and for nearly a year poly didn't come up as an issue in our relationship, which still remained rocky on the sexual front, while we were OTOH stronger and stronger in other areas.
A few days ago, after things were probably better than ever - she just blew up at me, and accused me of inhibiting her and forcing monogamy on her. So I understood that she met someone she wanted to have sex with, but instead of being straightforward, she started a fight. Then said that she had no choice because she can't just talk to me. This was the last straw to me, and I told her that I truly apologize if I'm the one inhibiting her in life, I didn't feel like that is what I'm doing, but I can't deny her feelings about it. And if she and I cannot handle something that is so important to her - I need to release her.
She doesnt' want to break up with me. I reached my last nerve here, because to me it's a matter of trust, not sex. She (in my view) is centering her own experience over anything I feel or think- and also over our supposed shared values and ideology. The guy she wants to be with is a mutual friend, and someone who has taken a leadership position in our feminist community. He is in a committed mono relationship, and this situation - where he is betraying his wife with whom he has never even discussed poly - is really difficult for me to swallow. I feel like I am being made complicit in hurting a woman from a man's infidelity, just because my GF decided that I should. Also, she is suddenly talking about him in terms of a relationship of sorts, while "assuring" me that I am her primary... but what about that part where I said I'm not really okay with parallel relationships?
We sort of made up, again - with the understanding that we really really need to do a "reset" and start working on trust. She came over the next day high as a kite (she smokes medical marijuana for Krohn's disease) which didn't promote our cause, and now I won't be seeing her all week, because she has prioritized getting together with this guy.
So - am I crazy? Is she untrustworthy? Am I fooling myself that I can do poly but in reality am actually throwing a wrench into her wheels? I honestly don't feel sexually possessive over the previous two experiences, but I don't feel okay with them in the context of the trust I feel necessary to do poly. I should probably add that at this point I have no desire to be with anyone else - after a long time of somewhat hyperactive sexuality, for the past couple of years I've been nearly asexual, or perhaps demi - I'm not lacking sexual interest entirely, I am attracted to my GF... but it's pretty low on my list of priorities, and the potential complexity of adding more partners is not something I care to deal with.
Anyway, thanks for sticking with me if you read this far. I'm kind of desperate for people to talk to. This is the only significant relationship I've had in the past 20 years. Calling quits on it would be a life-changing event. OTOH, staying out of fear isn't smart or helpful for either of us.
Maybe here I can get some perspective? (Sorry that this post is longggg)
About me: For the past 15-16 years I have not been in committed relationships for the most part, so poly/mono wasn't a real issue. I did what I want with who I want, and moved on. At some point I realized that I really like women and that opened up a whole new world, and now I am in a committed relationship with a woman.
She told me that sexual exclusivity is not something she can do. I was familiar with poly people, and in terms of ideology I agree with it - I don't believe sex gives us "rights" to anyone else's bodies, or that one person should be able to fulfill all our sexual, emotional, and social needs. etc. etc. So fine.
But because this was new territory for me, and caused me some anxiety, this is what I asked for in terms of our poly (which *she* defined as sexual only, not having meaningful emotional relationships in tandem): That if she wants to be with someone, she run it by me to make sure I'm okay with it, while taking the time and effort to make sure I feel safe/secure in how things are happening. The idea being that I would alleviate my fears and anxiety, and things could progress to a more open practice, or alternatively - that I would realize soon enough that 40+ years of patriarchal conditioning is not something I can just toss aside, much as I would like to.
In practice - she went behind my back, and then told me about it afterwards. I felt incredibly betrayed. She insisted that what she did was fine and I'm trying to "own her pussy" while I actually didn't feel overtly threatened by the sex itself (which was a relief) but rather that she violated our contract. We made up, but that was a blow.
The next time, she told me in advance, I said okay. Only this was in the middle of a crisis between us in terms of OUR sexual relationship, and things were a bit wonky. We went to bed, and had a very deep conversation about things, including some of our trust issues, and I told her about some really abusive things that had happened to me in a previous relationship that was with someone ostensibly poly. At which point she shut me down and said some really hurtful things - because her assumption was that I was trying to prevent her from doing what she wants. We basically almost broke up that night, but made up, and discussed how we really need to work on trust. The next day she went ahead and slept with the guy. Now, I didn't feel that was in line with the crisis we had just had - I'm trying to get to a point where I trust her, and I felt my trust being chipped (or bludgeoned) away.
To make things worse, this guy she hooked up with was violent with her, and she went into crisis mode. She didn't tell me what happened - just took all her anger out on me for the next 3-4 weeks, which we barely survived. She was so abusive towards me during this time, throwing every accusation in the book, and I had no answers for her. I just wanted out. But when I realized she was in post trauma, I softened. But now I'm feeling a pattern - that my issues don't deserve attention, only hers do.
Her traumatic experience slowed her down for a while, and for nearly a year poly didn't come up as an issue in our relationship, which still remained rocky on the sexual front, while we were OTOH stronger and stronger in other areas.
A few days ago, after things were probably better than ever - she just blew up at me, and accused me of inhibiting her and forcing monogamy on her. So I understood that she met someone she wanted to have sex with, but instead of being straightforward, she started a fight. Then said that she had no choice because she can't just talk to me. This was the last straw to me, and I told her that I truly apologize if I'm the one inhibiting her in life, I didn't feel like that is what I'm doing, but I can't deny her feelings about it. And if she and I cannot handle something that is so important to her - I need to release her.
She doesnt' want to break up with me. I reached my last nerve here, because to me it's a matter of trust, not sex. She (in my view) is centering her own experience over anything I feel or think- and also over our supposed shared values and ideology. The guy she wants to be with is a mutual friend, and someone who has taken a leadership position in our feminist community. He is in a committed mono relationship, and this situation - where he is betraying his wife with whom he has never even discussed poly - is really difficult for me to swallow. I feel like I am being made complicit in hurting a woman from a man's infidelity, just because my GF decided that I should. Also, she is suddenly talking about him in terms of a relationship of sorts, while "assuring" me that I am her primary... but what about that part where I said I'm not really okay with parallel relationships?
We sort of made up, again - with the understanding that we really really need to do a "reset" and start working on trust. She came over the next day high as a kite (she smokes medical marijuana for Krohn's disease) which didn't promote our cause, and now I won't be seeing her all week, because she has prioritized getting together with this guy.
So - am I crazy? Is she untrustworthy? Am I fooling myself that I can do poly but in reality am actually throwing a wrench into her wheels? I honestly don't feel sexually possessive over the previous two experiences, but I don't feel okay with them in the context of the trust I feel necessary to do poly. I should probably add that at this point I have no desire to be with anyone else - after a long time of somewhat hyperactive sexuality, for the past couple of years I've been nearly asexual, or perhaps demi - I'm not lacking sexual interest entirely, I am attracted to my GF... but it's pretty low on my list of priorities, and the potential complexity of adding more partners is not something I care to deal with.
Anyway, thanks for sticking with me if you read this far. I'm kind of desperate for people to talk to. This is the only significant relationship I've had in the past 20 years. Calling quits on it would be a life-changing event. OTOH, staying out of fear isn't smart or helpful for either of us.