She has fallen in love with someone else.

steelydan

New member
Am in a weird place. Posting here because I'm desperate to talk about my situation without anyone judging my partner. I have traveled and lived in Europe, the UK, and the US. Now I live in India, with an Indian partner. We have been married 15 years, with two beautiful children. In the early years of our marriage, I have been attracted to a few people. One of them was an old girlfriend, with who was polyamorous, though she never wore the label. I was deeply connected to her, and my partner was deeply insecure about that connection. I never cheated, but I didn't think there was anything morally wrong with being with someone as long as you didn't lie. I didn't pursue that relationship because I thought it would hurt my partner. For several years, I secretly bore the pangs of having lost one of the deepest bonds I had ever formed.

Over the years, I have grown to convince myself that I am monogamous, that I should love only my partner - and I do. Deeply. She loves me too.

Now, she has fallen in love with someone else. She doesn't want to leave me, but I can't help but resent her about this, because I still am, in many ways, in love with my old girlfriend, but she is no longer available. The might-have-beens haunt me. I feel lonely, abandoned, and I know it's unfair because I haven't been abandoned. I don't want to resent my partner. I don't want to hold her back because I know how much I was hurting when I held myself back. Basically looking for someone who might have experienced something like this, to share their experience and learn how to deal with this.
 
Hi steelydan,

Part of the problem seems to be that you are struggling to forgive your partner; another part seems to be that you are experiencing what your partner experienced when you were actively in love with the other woman. You are deeply insecure about your partner's new connection. What if she doesn't pursue that relationship because she knows it would hurt you? She'll bear (perhaps in secret) the pangs of having lost one of the deepest bonds she had ever formed.

Can you and your partner sit down and agree to have a polyamorous relationship? This wouldn't bring back the other woman you loved, but it would open the door for you to other women in the future. It's not a perfect solution, but is it something you can live with?

Things to think about.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Greetings steelydan,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Have a look at your other thread; I responded to your dilemma there. Clearly the shoe is on the other foot, and you and your partner are both learning some painful lessons. I hope Polyamory.com can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Hi, steelydan, and welcome!

Am in a weird place. Posting here because I'm desperate to talk about my situation without anyone judging my partner. […] She doesn't want to leave me, but I can't help but resent her about this […] I feel lonely, abandoned, and I know it's unfair because I haven't been abandoned. I don't want to resent my partner.
You don’t want us to judge your partner, but you’re doing so yourself.
Over the years, I have grown to convince myself that I am monogamous, that I should love only my partner - and I do. Deeply. She loves me too.
I was a little confused by this. Do you mean that over the years you tried to believe (against your true feelings) that monogamy was best for you? Or that you have actually come to realise that you are monogamous? (I suspect the former, but I just wanted to clear up this detail.)
One of them was an old girlfriend, with who was polyamorous, though she never wore the label. I was deeply connected to her, and my partner was deeply insecure about that connection. I never cheated, but I didn't think there was anything morally wrong with being with someone as long as you didn't lie. I didn't pursue that relationship because I thought it would hurt my partner.
May I highlight one word?
I didn't pursue that relationship because I thought it would hurt my partner.
Could it possibly be that you were making a “sacrifice” that she wasn’t demanding of you? Is it possible that she might have come to accept an open relationship if you had talked about it more? I’m only asking, but if this is the case, you're resenting her for not allowing you a freedom she might actually have allowed you if you had put some more effort into reaching an understanding.

Life involves Change and Growth. Also: Life isn’t always fair. I think that you would be happier if you could come to accept that your partner has changed and grown in a way that means that she could now consider a polyamorous relationship whereas before she couldn’t. The fact that this change comes when it suits her more than it suits you is an example of the unfairness of Life. You either accept that and look forward to a more open, freer relationship, or you continue to resent her. The choice is yours.
 
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