HopeEternal
New member
I'm new to Poly, I admit I didn't actually ever intend to explore it. But I/we fell in love, and now I must ask for some urgent help.
I've been with my Husband (common law) for 11.5 years, since High School, and he and I have worked through some of the most difficult things we've ever experienced in our lifetimes. He is kind, sweet, caring and VERY generous, and even though we've had our challenges (he previously cheated on me, but we've been through therapy) we recently purchased a house together and moved in with our dogs.
The day after we moved in was our Anniversary, unfortunately he promptly had to return to working insane 60+ hour work weeks again which he did for about two weeks without our being able to see each other much or settle into our new home. Around that time he told me he had been looking into Poly, researching it for years and that he had setup an OK Cupid account. I was terrified because I thought if he had no time for me with his work now, how could this work. But he reassured me that it was for both of us, since I am bi and have never been able to fulfill that side of me. I cautiously agreed that we could explore it carefully, but expressed many reservations. He started talking to a woman who shared a lot of the same interests as we did - she also had a similar personality to him and when I started messaging her I quickly knew I liked her.
My husband stated that he wanted a Triad/Triforce relationship and that it would be wrong to have a "Unicorn". I told him that I was willing to try a Poly relationship, but that no matter what happened I had to know that he wouldn't leave me and we wouldn't loose the house. He reassured me of this.
We started seeing her and quickly clicked. We slept together on the second date (way faster than I expected/planned) and she basically started staying here and has been here every day for the last month and a half. She's smart, fun and sweet, but also very intense and can be very anxious and grumpy. She has been in 17 relationships and has a huge and understandable fear of being abandoned. She was very depressed and not sleeping/eating/living well when we met her, which was a warning sign, but my heart didn't care...
I didn't mean to but... I started to fall in love... She fell first, then my husband and then... me. I was very clear to them that I was willing to try this but that I was really scared and didn't know if I was well enough to make things work.
This is where I admit something very embarrassing... I'm in my late 20's but I'm very ill. I have severe leaky gut that restricts what I can eat daily to a few types of fruit, leafy vegetables/squash and red meat (no chicken). If I make even the smallest mistake (black pepper on a steak, a tiny speck of mustard), I get severe brain fog, insomnia, depression, stomach aches, headaches ect... The worst part of all is that I have a merciless auto-immune disorder that attacks my muscles, tendons and joints when I'm under stress (I eat something I can't digest right, I don't sleep long enough, ect). The auto-immune disorder has lead to me not being able to work or engage in my raison-d'etre (video games) without constant and intense pain. I also have severe adrenal fatigue as a result of being under so much physical stress and previously facing BiPolar/ADHD symptoms most of my life. But, through therapy and hard work, my husband and I were able to find solutions and I found happiness... FINALLY!
When the three of us decided to try being Poly together, I made it clear that I may not be able to sustain a Poly relationship but that I wanted to try. We basically dissolved our previous relationship and started a brand new one. My new love kept a very different schedule from ours, and was so kind in being willing to shift her whole life and schedule to maximize time with us. Husband created an Excel spreadsheet that scheduled out our time so we all got enough time together, and apart.
We faced a lot of challenges over the past two months, and through all of it, she has been SO honest. She is straight forward and generally understanding and my husband has been doing an incredible job spreading his time between us.
The problem is... that I'm getting more ill... The act of being in a Poly relationship is VERY stressful and draining, it's not our new love herself, but the relationship. Each of us often miss work because of the stress and I'm getting to a point where I've missed three days in a row and am feeling the pressure from my boss. I'm the primary source of income for us, and if I can't keep my job, I lose my house, and I lose everything...
So after this last weekend, I started experiencing some weird stress-related issues. I started getting vertigo when trying to roll over in bed, which would wake me and cause severe nausea. My insomnia reached a new level, and worst of all... I started experiencing a new phenomenon, intense anxiety. My two loves are so happy with our arrangement, and when I'm feeling healthy I am too! But when I'm unwell, having her around the house and in my life sends me into these panics. It's like I know that the sacrifices I've been making for our new life has been running me into the ground, and it's not sustainable... I've started getting this white hot fear in my stomach - I've never experienced this before - it literally feels hot and fluttery. And I start panicking because I don't think I can live like this, with this level of stress but both my husband and she want to keep trying. The problem is, I simply am too ill to keep going like this... or I'll lose my job, my house, my everything.
Yesterday, I asked her if she could go back to her place for a few nights so I could have some space and breathing room to recover. She was really distraught and thought I'd never call her again, and I explained very clearly that my intention was just to get some breathing room. She proceeded to say she would go but she would be miserable, and that she and I would have to start over, and left to go pack everything up. :/ The issue is that having her basically live with us already has been too much for me, and it is moving so fast. I only knew her for a week by text before she basically came to stay. Every time in the past few months that I suggested she go home for a while she would become distraught and I quickly backed down. The problem is, I have no-where else to go, this is my home. ): It's where I work too, and now I feel I have no sanctuary. On the other hand she still has her old place with her room-mates, and all I'm asking for is a few days to see if I can recover and be able to be healthy in our Poly relationship.
When I finally asked, she was really resistant and my husband was upset seeing her so distraught. He tried to offer solutions, none of which quite worked for me. In seeing how upset she was about the mere mention of going home for a few days, my panic reached a nearly nuclear level. Now I can't be in the same room/house with her without frequently getting panic attacks. It's happening now that they are out too (seeing a movie while I try and gather myself), I'm panicking that I've ruined my life and I can never again have what made me so happy before (being mono with my husband).
I don't want to hurt either of them, but I got to the point where I seriously asked my husband to choose me, and to let things go back to how they were. Otherwise, I am trapped in this cycle of panic and I have no way out since she won't go home for a few days peacefully. I even suggested my husband try going between the two homes if I couldn't handle the triad - despite the idea of being a Metamour terrifying me - but neither of them liked that solution either.
Please help! I'm so scared and I want to do the right thing, but I also can't carry on like this any longer. How can I keep from losing my health and my self, but also ensure my partners aren't totally destroyed by this? I'm so desperate that I'm even considering moving out of my new home to live with my mom, so that at least the two people I love can be happy. But I'm not sure they could truly be happy if it came to that, and neither of them want that. Please, what is the right thing to do, and how can I make this right!?
TLDR: I'm new to poly, and two months into adding a third to me and my husbands relationship, my health issues are making it impossible for me to continue having us all under the same roof constantly. They may be making it impossible for me to be in a healthy poly relationship at aall. How do I save my health and life and my partners feelings?
I've been with my Husband (common law) for 11.5 years, since High School, and he and I have worked through some of the most difficult things we've ever experienced in our lifetimes. He is kind, sweet, caring and VERY generous, and even though we've had our challenges (he previously cheated on me, but we've been through therapy) we recently purchased a house together and moved in with our dogs.
The day after we moved in was our Anniversary, unfortunately he promptly had to return to working insane 60+ hour work weeks again which he did for about two weeks without our being able to see each other much or settle into our new home. Around that time he told me he had been looking into Poly, researching it for years and that he had setup an OK Cupid account. I was terrified because I thought if he had no time for me with his work now, how could this work. But he reassured me that it was for both of us, since I am bi and have never been able to fulfill that side of me. I cautiously agreed that we could explore it carefully, but expressed many reservations. He started talking to a woman who shared a lot of the same interests as we did - she also had a similar personality to him and when I started messaging her I quickly knew I liked her.
My husband stated that he wanted a Triad/Triforce relationship and that it would be wrong to have a "Unicorn". I told him that I was willing to try a Poly relationship, but that no matter what happened I had to know that he wouldn't leave me and we wouldn't loose the house. He reassured me of this.
We started seeing her and quickly clicked. We slept together on the second date (way faster than I expected/planned) and she basically started staying here and has been here every day for the last month and a half. She's smart, fun and sweet, but also very intense and can be very anxious and grumpy. She has been in 17 relationships and has a huge and understandable fear of being abandoned. She was very depressed and not sleeping/eating/living well when we met her, which was a warning sign, but my heart didn't care...
I didn't mean to but... I started to fall in love... She fell first, then my husband and then... me. I was very clear to them that I was willing to try this but that I was really scared and didn't know if I was well enough to make things work.
This is where I admit something very embarrassing... I'm in my late 20's but I'm very ill. I have severe leaky gut that restricts what I can eat daily to a few types of fruit, leafy vegetables/squash and red meat (no chicken). If I make even the smallest mistake (black pepper on a steak, a tiny speck of mustard), I get severe brain fog, insomnia, depression, stomach aches, headaches ect... The worst part of all is that I have a merciless auto-immune disorder that attacks my muscles, tendons and joints when I'm under stress (I eat something I can't digest right, I don't sleep long enough, ect). The auto-immune disorder has lead to me not being able to work or engage in my raison-d'etre (video games) without constant and intense pain. I also have severe adrenal fatigue as a result of being under so much physical stress and previously facing BiPolar/ADHD symptoms most of my life. But, through therapy and hard work, my husband and I were able to find solutions and I found happiness... FINALLY!
When the three of us decided to try being Poly together, I made it clear that I may not be able to sustain a Poly relationship but that I wanted to try. We basically dissolved our previous relationship and started a brand new one. My new love kept a very different schedule from ours, and was so kind in being willing to shift her whole life and schedule to maximize time with us. Husband created an Excel spreadsheet that scheduled out our time so we all got enough time together, and apart.
We faced a lot of challenges over the past two months, and through all of it, she has been SO honest. She is straight forward and generally understanding and my husband has been doing an incredible job spreading his time between us.
The problem is... that I'm getting more ill... The act of being in a Poly relationship is VERY stressful and draining, it's not our new love herself, but the relationship. Each of us often miss work because of the stress and I'm getting to a point where I've missed three days in a row and am feeling the pressure from my boss. I'm the primary source of income for us, and if I can't keep my job, I lose my house, and I lose everything...
So after this last weekend, I started experiencing some weird stress-related issues. I started getting vertigo when trying to roll over in bed, which would wake me and cause severe nausea. My insomnia reached a new level, and worst of all... I started experiencing a new phenomenon, intense anxiety. My two loves are so happy with our arrangement, and when I'm feeling healthy I am too! But when I'm unwell, having her around the house and in my life sends me into these panics. It's like I know that the sacrifices I've been making for our new life has been running me into the ground, and it's not sustainable... I've started getting this white hot fear in my stomach - I've never experienced this before - it literally feels hot and fluttery. And I start panicking because I don't think I can live like this, with this level of stress but both my husband and she want to keep trying. The problem is, I simply am too ill to keep going like this... or I'll lose my job, my house, my everything.
Yesterday, I asked her if she could go back to her place for a few nights so I could have some space and breathing room to recover. She was really distraught and thought I'd never call her again, and I explained very clearly that my intention was just to get some breathing room. She proceeded to say she would go but she would be miserable, and that she and I would have to start over, and left to go pack everything up. :/ The issue is that having her basically live with us already has been too much for me, and it is moving so fast. I only knew her for a week by text before she basically came to stay. Every time in the past few months that I suggested she go home for a while she would become distraught and I quickly backed down. The problem is, I have no-where else to go, this is my home. ): It's where I work too, and now I feel I have no sanctuary. On the other hand she still has her old place with her room-mates, and all I'm asking for is a few days to see if I can recover and be able to be healthy in our Poly relationship.
When I finally asked, she was really resistant and my husband was upset seeing her so distraught. He tried to offer solutions, none of which quite worked for me. In seeing how upset she was about the mere mention of going home for a few days, my panic reached a nearly nuclear level. Now I can't be in the same room/house with her without frequently getting panic attacks. It's happening now that they are out too (seeing a movie while I try and gather myself), I'm panicking that I've ruined my life and I can never again have what made me so happy before (being mono with my husband).
I don't want to hurt either of them, but I got to the point where I seriously asked my husband to choose me, and to let things go back to how they were. Otherwise, I am trapped in this cycle of panic and I have no way out since she won't go home for a few days peacefully. I even suggested my husband try going between the two homes if I couldn't handle the triad - despite the idea of being a Metamour terrifying me - but neither of them liked that solution either.
Please help! I'm so scared and I want to do the right thing, but I also can't carry on like this any longer. How can I keep from losing my health and my self, but also ensure my partners aren't totally destroyed by this? I'm so desperate that I'm even considering moving out of my new home to live with my mom, so that at least the two people I love can be happy. But I'm not sure they could truly be happy if it came to that, and neither of them want that. Please, what is the right thing to do, and how can I make this right!?
TLDR: I'm new to poly, and two months into adding a third to me and my husbands relationship, my health issues are making it impossible for me to continue having us all under the same roof constantly. They may be making it impossible for me to be in a healthy poly relationship at aall. How do I save my health and life and my partners feelings?