Ill and Desperate for Help in Triad!

HopeEternal

New member
I'm new to Poly, I admit I didn't actually ever intend to explore it. But I/we fell in love, and now I must ask for some urgent help.

I've been with my Husband (common law) for 11.5 years, since High School, and he and I have worked through some of the most difficult things we've ever experienced in our lifetimes. He is kind, sweet, caring and VERY generous, and even though we've had our challenges (he previously cheated on me, but we've been through therapy) we recently purchased a house together and moved in with our dogs.

The day after we moved in was our Anniversary, unfortunately he promptly had to return to working insane 60+ hour work weeks again which he did for about two weeks without our being able to see each other much or settle into our new home. Around that time he told me he had been looking into Poly, researching it for years and that he had setup an OK Cupid account. I was terrified because I thought if he had no time for me with his work now, how could this work. But he reassured me that it was for both of us, since I am bi and have never been able to fulfill that side of me. I cautiously agreed that we could explore it carefully, but expressed many reservations. He started talking to a woman who shared a lot of the same interests as we did - she also had a similar personality to him and when I started messaging her I quickly knew I liked her.

My husband stated that he wanted a Triad/Triforce relationship and that it would be wrong to have a "Unicorn". I told him that I was willing to try a Poly relationship, but that no matter what happened I had to know that he wouldn't leave me and we wouldn't loose the house. He reassured me of this.

We started seeing her and quickly clicked. We slept together on the second date (way faster than I expected/planned) and she basically started staying here and has been here every day for the last month and a half. She's smart, fun and sweet, but also very intense and can be very anxious and grumpy. She has been in 17 relationships and has a huge and understandable fear of being abandoned. She was very depressed and not sleeping/eating/living well when we met her, which was a warning sign, but my heart didn't care...

I didn't mean to but... I started to fall in love... She fell first, then my husband and then... me. I was very clear to them that I was willing to try this but that I was really scared and didn't know if I was well enough to make things work.

This is where I admit something very embarrassing... I'm in my late 20's but I'm very ill. I have severe leaky gut that restricts what I can eat daily to a few types of fruit, leafy vegetables/squash and red meat (no chicken). If I make even the smallest mistake (black pepper on a steak, a tiny speck of mustard), I get severe brain fog, insomnia, depression, stomach aches, headaches ect... The worst part of all is that I have a merciless auto-immune disorder that attacks my muscles, tendons and joints when I'm under stress (I eat something I can't digest right, I don't sleep long enough, ect). The auto-immune disorder has lead to me not being able to work or engage in my raison-d'etre (video games) without constant and intense pain. I also have severe adrenal fatigue as a result of being under so much physical stress and previously facing BiPolar/ADHD symptoms most of my life. But, through therapy and hard work, my husband and I were able to find solutions and I found happiness... FINALLY!

When the three of us decided to try being Poly together, I made it clear that I may not be able to sustain a Poly relationship but that I wanted to try. We basically dissolved our previous relationship and started a brand new one. My new love kept a very different schedule from ours, and was so kind in being willing to shift her whole life and schedule to maximize time with us. Husband created an Excel spreadsheet that scheduled out our time so we all got enough time together, and apart.

We faced a lot of challenges over the past two months, and through all of it, she has been SO honest. She is straight forward and generally understanding and my husband has been doing an incredible job spreading his time between us.

The problem is... that I'm getting more ill... The act of being in a Poly relationship is VERY stressful and draining, it's not our new love herself, but the relationship. Each of us often miss work because of the stress and I'm getting to a point where I've missed three days in a row and am feeling the pressure from my boss. I'm the primary source of income for us, and if I can't keep my job, I lose my house, and I lose everything...

So after this last weekend, I started experiencing some weird stress-related issues. I started getting vertigo when trying to roll over in bed, which would wake me and cause severe nausea. My insomnia reached a new level, and worst of all... I started experiencing a new phenomenon, intense anxiety. :( My two loves are so happy with our arrangement, and when I'm feeling healthy I am too! But when I'm unwell, having her around the house and in my life sends me into these panics. It's like I know that the sacrifices I've been making for our new life has been running me into the ground, and it's not sustainable... I've started getting this white hot fear in my stomach - I've never experienced this before - it literally feels hot and fluttery. And I start panicking because I don't think I can live like this, with this level of stress but both my husband and she want to keep trying. The problem is, I simply am too ill to keep going like this... or I'll lose my job, my house, my everything.

Yesterday, I asked her if she could go back to her place for a few nights so I could have some space and breathing room to recover. She was really distraught and thought I'd never call her again, and I explained very clearly that my intention was just to get some breathing room. She proceeded to say she would go but she would be miserable, and that she and I would have to start over, and left to go pack everything up. :/ The issue is that having her basically live with us already has been too much for me, and it is moving so fast. I only knew her for a week by text before she basically came to stay. Every time in the past few months that I suggested she go home for a while she would become distraught and I quickly backed down. The problem is, I have no-where else to go, this is my home. ): It's where I work too, and now I feel I have no sanctuary. On the other hand she still has her old place with her room-mates, and all I'm asking for is a few days to see if I can recover and be able to be healthy in our Poly relationship.

When I finally asked, she was really resistant and my husband was upset seeing her so distraught. He tried to offer solutions, none of which quite worked for me. In seeing how upset she was about the mere mention of going home for a few days, my panic reached a nearly nuclear level. Now I can't be in the same room/house with her without frequently getting panic attacks. It's happening now that they are out too (seeing a movie while I try and gather myself), I'm panicking that I've ruined my life and I can never again have what made me so happy before (being mono with my husband).

I don't want to hurt either of them, but I got to the point where I seriously asked my husband to choose me, and to let things go back to how they were. Otherwise, I am trapped in this cycle of panic and I have no way out since she won't go home for a few days peacefully. I even suggested my husband try going between the two homes if I couldn't handle the triad - despite the idea of being a Metamour terrifying me - but neither of them liked that solution either.

Please help! I'm so scared and I want to do the right thing, but I also can't carry on like this any longer. How can I keep from losing my health and my self, but also ensure my partners aren't totally destroyed by this? I'm so desperate that I'm even considering moving out of my new home to live with my mom, so that at least the two people I love can be happy. But I'm not sure they could truly be happy if it came to that, and neither of them want that. Please, what is the right thing to do, and how can I make this right!?



TLDR: I'm new to poly, and two months into adding a third to me and my husbands relationship, my health issues are making it impossible for me to continue having us all under the same roof constantly. They may be making it impossible for me to be in a healthy poly relationship at aall. How do I save my health and life and my partners feelings?
 
Needing to do everything "all at once" is not a particularly positive indicator, emotionally speaking.

Neither is needing to do everything absolutely RIGHT the first time out.

Speaking from much experience, adding a mere roommate to a healthy household is a trying experience. Toss in sex & NRE & Romance & all that, & the chaos level is high.

You do not thrive on chaos. This creates anxienty that aggravates your various conditions.

I am (apparently) a special case -- while I enjoy order & routine, I thrive on "upwelling chaos." I truly enjoy taking difficult situations & creating new dynamics where individual quirks interleave nicely. Call it "leading from the front"; given that sort of "ain't this COOL" attitude, even people who fear change (from experience up to that time) quickly come up to speed & enjoy the whirl.

Then again, I tend to surround myself with people who enjoy group dynamics BUT are also strongly individualistic: writers, readers, perpetual students, musicians, even gamers & anime fanatics. Our friendships overlapped heavily, but were not at all identical, & we often have had social times not involving the rest of the household. Each of these is not just perfectly okey-dokey being left alone for hours or even days, but actually requires that sort of "recharge" time.

None of the households over that time was intentionally "closed" relationally. We all generally had entanglements elsewhere.

If there is a (forgive the term) problem child in your situation, it looks to be your new third. She has swooped in & made YOU (two) responsible for her fears of abandonment -- present & future.

None of you is chaos-positive.

Your third has an escape route in her own living quarters, while you & your husband are essentially cornered.

IMNSHO, she needs to FIRST deal with HER OWN insecurities. It is not YOUR job to make up for her 17 failures. To me (of Rogerian experience), what you describe sounds more than a bit like neurotic attachment, edging toward outright narcissism or codependency.
a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.

Commonly cited symptoms of codependency are:
  • intense and unstable interpersonal relationships
  • inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone
  • chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness,
  • subordinating one's own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved
  • overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection
  • external referencing
  • dishonesty and denial
  • low self-worth
Is she a bad person? Likely not. However, YOU are not in a psychophysiological position to play such games, much less fix them.

You mention your husband minimally, & much of THAT suggests he's already fallen into the caretaker role.

If you love her, & if she loves you, then you'd all agree that it'd be best for HER to help YOU (as individual) to heal, which would mean firstly that she needs to make clear efforts to have life as an individual. That might mean she needs therapy.

On the other hand, if it's more important to assuage HER fears than to get you healthy -- or even to preserve your marriage -- then you should take that as a strong clue as to how important you actually are in her life.
 
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I'm sorry you are in such a scary position. Your fragile health on edge, your financial security at risk and the two people who claim to love you refusing to moderate their behavior in order to ease the situation. You need to get yourself back into therapy and fast to relieve your stress and get your health issues under control again.

I agree that someone who becomes distraught at the thought of spending some time at THEIR OWN HOME which they apparently happily abandoned when they found someone to glom onto, is not the best person for someone with serious health issues to be involved with. To go from acquaintance to full-time live-in lover, who refuses to go home, in such a short time, is at least odd and at worst a giant red flag. If your husband, who knows the delicate balance of your health, cannot see past his NRE enough to proceed differently, that is another red flag.

The carefully worked out schedule clearly did not take your health requirements into enough consideration. With you being the primary bread winner that is foolish as well as unkind. A new schedule which includes her living in her own home is not at all unreasonable if you are going to attempt to continue this unhealthy experiment.

Frankly, in the situation you describe there seems to me to be a fair bit of at least immature behavior and at worst some level of mental/emotional problems on the part of your new love. All those failed relationships have one thing in common, her. If this one does not work out it will still be her choices and behavior that are at fault, not your or your husband's.

You need to make your health the first priority, not this new relationship. If your husband refuses to accept that then you both have some serious thinking to do about your future. He may be polyamorous but if he wants to be allowed to have you as one of his loves he has to accommodate your health needs.

I hope things start getting better very soon.

Leetah
 
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TLDR: I'm new to poly, and two months into adding a third to me and my husbands relationship, my health issues are making it impossible for me to continue having us all under the same roof constantly. They may be making it impossible for me to be in a healthy poly relationship at all. How do I save my health and life and my partners feelings?

I am sorry you struggle.

Around that time he told me he had been looking into Poly, researching it for years and that he had setup an OK Cupid account. I was terrified because I thought if he had no time for me with his work now, how could this work. But he reassured me that it was for both of us, since I am bi and have never been able to fulfill that side of me.

That sounds like a very cavalier approach. Him making a unilateral decision that you were just supposed to go along with? :confused:

Are you conflict avoidant? Or have trouble saying "No" to people?

She has been in 17 relationships and has a huge and understandable fear of being abandoned. She was very depressed and not sleeping/eating/living well when we met her, which was a warning sign, but my heart didn't care...

Why do you ignore your own self? :confused:

But since you say you are happy being in this polyship, I won't delve there too much other than to say you could speak UP for yourself more when things come up. Say "No. Not at this time." Wait and slow things down. Not just "go along" even to the point of ignoring your inner voice putting up red flags. :(

My two loves are so happy with our arrangement, and when I'm feeling healthy I am too! But when I'm unwell, having her around the house and in my life sends me into these panics

So... could sit down and make the "sick pattern." You were able to do it to establish the "healthy pattern."

If these people love you, they will understand that having you be healthy has to come before the fun stuff. They will see the need for two or more "patterns" to address you in various modes of illness.

I am a chronic patient. All my people know how things go when I am "green - good to go!" and how they go when I am "yellow -- proceed with caution" and when I am "red -- hunker down!" with my chronic patient issues.And having made the plan, I don't even have to say much more than what color plan I am on. (If you are having anxiety/panic attack or whatever, the last thing you want to be doing is long windy conversation trying to explain things to the other person! That ADDS to the load rather than TAKE AWAY from the load.)

It's part of the price of admission to be with me -- accepting that I am a chronic patient. I have to work within my personal limitations. Everyone has to communicate and keep expectations realistic.
  • They show me respect by not asking me to do more than I can.

  • I show me respect by saying NO to things I know are too much for me. I don't overextend myself just to try to please someone.

If they just want the "fun stuff" at the expense of running your health to the ground? You have to reassess if they actually care about you the person or just care about what they can get from you . (Whatever stuff it is you do or provide for them.) Could assess if the relationship dynamic actually healthy.

You also could assess if you are in the habit of doing SELF NEGLECT because you are so focussed on how others are doing or might take it or whatever.

YOU have to care for you no matter what,. If how you have been taking care of you doesn't work for you? Change your behavior! I encourage you to step up and maintain more solid emotional boundaries.

Every time in the past few months that I suggested she go home for a while she would become distraught and I quickly backed down.

Why are you afraid of her having to handle her own feelings? You are not able to say "I see you are upset. I am sorry" and leave it at that? You don't have to fix it for her. Feelings are just feelings -- sunny days or rainy skies -- they all pass.

So she's bummed out you have told her to go home because she has overstayed her visit. Well, she could not abuse hospitality in future. And when you arrange visits you could set clear start/end times. Focus on new behaviors that could happen rather than fearing she feels some things.

So she's bummed you have to cut a visit short because you got sick. Well, that is nobody's fault. Sick happens! It's not the end of the world. She can just go home and both schedule another one later when you are well.

I think you are making it bigger than it has to be. Be more FIRM and don't back off if the other person is sad/upset/bummed or whatever.

If hubby wants to visit her over THERE, he can do that while you are over HERE attending to your health issues.

Let other people handle their emotions. You handle yours. Don't try to be all "people pleaser" at the expense of your health. Being selfless is NOT a virtue.

Go ahead and talk to them. Make that other "pattern" or "patterns" so you can stop stressing/panicking about it.

  • Like when you are green -- you can handle overnights lasting several days, impromptu visits, etc.
  • When you are yellow -- just planned day visits, no more than X hours long, Y days apart.
  • When you are red -- maybe a short call or email, but not more than that.

I hope it works out.

Galagirl
 
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Hi, HopeEternal (nice name!), and welcome to the forum! I hope that we can be of help.

I agree basically with Leetah, but with some modifiers. Apparently, your husband and the new partner didn't "refuse to moderate their behavior", nor did she refuse to return to her own [shared] home... But they did put up resistance to your requests, try to talk you out of it. In her case, she even used (perhaps not fully conscious of the fact) emotional blackmail:
She proceeded to say she would go but she would be miserable, and that she and I would have to start over
Your husband apparently didn't come on as heavily, and tried to suggest solutions:
my husband was upset seeing her so distraught. He tried to offer solutions, none of which quite worked for me.
But the fact remains that he was also [unwillingly?] putting pressure on you.

However, your husband and you have been together for 11.5 years. He must be more used to your special health needs. I cannot imagine that this is the first time in 11.5 years that sudden change has caused your condition to get worse.

He should know that he needs to back off. And he should [help to] make that clear to her. I think that until your health is back on a [relatively] even keel, they shouldn't even be going on dates together. After all, you aren't asking them to give up the whole idea, you're asking them to push the pause button until you're feeling better.

I think that it was a BIG mistake for all 3 of you to have rushed into this so quickly. And you have to share some of the blame for this. Knowing how sudden change (even positive) can affect your health, you should have been more insistent about taking things more slowly.

"Knowing how sudden change (even positive) can affect your health" Well, that's a bit of an assumption on my part. And another possibility needs to be looked at honestly.

Are you sure that it is positive?
Around that time he told me he had been looking into Poly, researching it for years and that he had set up an OK Cupid account. I was terrified because I thought if he had no time for me with his work now, how could this work.
All this came about on your husband's initiative. You were initially "terrified". Your husband's been with you for 11.5 years and knows of your condition, he must have known that this sort of thing could terrify you.To be brutally honest, I have to say that if that's true, it was rather insensitive of him to set up an OK Cupid account BEFORE talking about it with you.

Perhaps your body is trying to tell you that you're NOT happy about this decision. It's a real possibility that you're going along with your husband's wishes because you love him, but your heart really isn't into polyamory... even if you DID fall in love with this woman. It's possible in some rare cases (and sometimes the best all 'round) to fall in love with somebody and not do anything about it.

I'm hesitant about adding the next bit. It stands a fair chance of getting you angry, but you don't have to take it seriously if you don't want to. Please don't get a panic attack because of it. I'm just throwing another crazy idea into the hat:

How long have you been having these health issues? Have they got better or worse since you've been with your husband? I may be way off base here, but he seems a bit of a control freak to me. (Setting up the OK Cupid account and then presenting you with that fait accompli; creating an Excel spreadsheet that scheduled out your time; stating that he wanted a Triad/Triforce relationship and that it would be wrong to have a "Unicorn"...)

It sounds like he likes to call the shots. Could your body be reacting against that? It might be positive (for you and him) for the two of you to sit down and talk about the dynamics in your 2-person relationship, before adding on someone new.

I also think that you need to take more initiative: deciding what YOU want and discussing that with your husband. Let him know YOUR needs and wishes. I get this buzz that the 2 of you are playing a psychological game called "Doctor and Patient", aka "Doctor Knows Best" or "Father Knows Best". In this game, the "Doctor" is completely sincere in believing that his/her treatment will help the "Patient", but in fact it aggravates the problem. The "Patient" honestly believes that "Doctor Knows Best", but the only real way to get better is to take full responsibility for their own health. (WAY off base in this case, perhaps, but you might want to consider it.)

I'm really hoping that everything works out for you (whichever path you take). I wouldn't take part in this forum if I didn't feel that polyamory IS the best solution for many people (myself included). But I realise that it isn't right for everybody.

If you do go ahead with this triad (after a pause and at a healthy speed), I advise you to be aware of this woman's potential for using emotional blackmail (even nice people do it now and then), talk with her about it, and don't let it manipulate you.

Take care. Have a hug.
 
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As often happens, while I'm typing out a reply in a separate "Reply to Thread" window, somebody posts a reply that I can't read until I've posted my own. I said that I agreed with Leetah. GalaGirl (who posted while I was composing) also makes a lot of sense. She wrote some things that I'd thought, but neglected to add to my comment. (It's long enough anyway.)

(For the record: so does Ravenscroft. the reason that I mentioned Leetah was because I felt that one detail of her post needed modifying.)
 
Hi HopeEternal,

I think that you need to put your foot down and demand that this third, this other woman, return to her old place with her roommates, and stay there until further notice. I don't mean this as a way of punishing her, I mean this as a way for you to save your health, job, house, and everything else that goes along with that. It might not be possible to keep those things and keep her too.

At least that's how I see it.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Hi, HopeEternal!

I've just re-read your OP and have found these details to add some colouring to my previous comment.
(he previously cheated on me, but we've been through therapy)
The Deary knows that it's possible to "straighten up and fly right" after cheating. (I, too, have been involved in cheating back in my murky past.) But this detail, combined with his opening the OK Cupid account without first talking with you about it, gives me a hint of "I'm going to get what I want one way or another". There's nothing wrong with trying to get what you want, but - especially after a past occurence of cheating - one should be scrupulously open and honest.
But he reassured me that it was for both of us
If it was for the both of you, but you are (now) really suffering through it, he needs to reassess this statement.
she has been SO honest. She is straight forward and generally understanding
Accent on that word "generally". Still:
Every time in the past few months that I suggested she go home for a while she would become distraught and I quickly backed down.
Yesterday, I asked her if she could go back to her place for a few nights so I could have some space and breathing room to recover. She was really distraught and thought I'd never call her again, and I explained very clearly that my intention was just to get some breathing room. She proceeded to say she would go but she would be miserable, and that she and I would have to start over [...] When I finally asked, she was really resistant and my husband was upset seeing her so distraught.
"really resistant". Hmmm! And does your husband get equally upset seeing you so distraught?
I start panicking because I don't think I can live like this, with this level of stress but both my husband and she want to keep trying.
If to keep trying means these serious health problems for you, maybe they should want it a little less.

It's easy for us to be "straightforward and [...] understanding" when things are going our way. But when she tries to manipulate your feelings when things don't go her way, even though she knows about your health problems [STOP! Does she know about them? Or is "This [] where [you don't] admit [to her] something very embarrassing"? If you haven't, for goodness' sake! stop feeling embarrassed, and share this with her. She needs to know.], then that shows a refusal to be understanding.

I'm going to stop using quote boxes now, but several times in your OP you have demonstrated a willingness to bend over backwards to do the right thing by your husband and this woman. It's time that those who care for you showed you the same generosity.

I hate to be such a downer, but I think that these aspects should be at least considered. I certainly hope that - in your case - "Hope springs eternal in the human breast".
 
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Thanks and explanations

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the kindness and wisdom that you have all shown in your posts. Knowing that there are other people who've been in similar situations/understand my plight really helped me get through the past few days. Yesterday night, Husband set some time aside for me and I brought up this post and asked if he wanted to review the replies with me. He read through my OP and agreed that although emotional, I painted a fair picture of the situation.

Reading through all of the replies together really seemed to open his eyes to a lot of the issues I was trying to express to him, and also made me feel heard. He seems to better understand why I've been feeling distressed, and considered all of your feedback and responses with an open mind.

Having read and reviewed your responses with him actually melted most of my anxiety away. :eek: I've stopped having panic attacks since reading all of your replies, and I feel like my husband is actually in sync with me once more. THANK YOU all for being there for a stranger in such a time of need. I'm forever indebted. :)

That aside:

Ravenscroft: Your insight about the potential codependency of our third really struck a cord. After some discussion even my husband agreed that she appeared to display these traits and recognized that in a way we were enabling her by failing to enforce clear boundaries. I greatly appreciate the knowledge that you took the time to share with me.

Leetah: Hearing you point out some of the same Red Flags I was seeing really validated my feelings. It made it much easier for me to explain them to my husband, and I was relieved to hear that he had noticed them, too. I have been taking steps to build stronger boundaries when it comes to my health, and appreciate your insight.

GalaGirl: I did leave some out of my post in the interest of brevity (>_> which didn't really help in the end). My husband approached the OKCupid piece with a decent amount of caution and tact, and immediately offered to delete it when I first displayed uncertainty. Despite his decision to open an account before asking me, I read over his profile and it was very clear that he was in a relationship me, and that he was respectful of that relationship first and foremost. I should have mentioned those details!

I am an Enneagram "Helper" personality type, a total people pleaser, and therefore I would say that yes, I sometimes have trouble saying "No" to people. I am often conflict avoidant when it comes to people I know and love, slightly less so with strangers.

Your idea of establishing Green, Yellow and Red zones for myself was an idea that stuck with my husband and I. I LOVE this approach, because that way I can quickly and easily communicate my needs without having to spend an hour explaining and justifying them each time. I'm really sorry that you have to live your life with such restrictions, but also feel hopeful that if you can make it work, I may be able to as well. :)

I have been establishing my emotional boundaries more firmly, and have found to my delight that now that my husband is back in sync with me, both partners seem to understand my needs pretty consistently.

MrFarFromRight: The behavior of our third when I asked her for a break really did seem like emotional blackmail, which alarmed me. My husband considered this and also agreed that he thought she may have been trying to manipulate me.

It's interesting that my OP may have painted the husband as a control freak. I'm much more budget/responsibility conscious and more decisive in most cases, so if anything I'm more controlling. He's generally pretty passive (except romantically). I hope to clarify that he is trying to carefully plan everything to avoid as much hurt as possible, which has generally been working, not that he is trying to control me. :)

I'm seriously considering asking that we shift into more of a "V" to eliminate my fears regarding the house if things fail, but I'm concerned that since we already "dissolved" our previous relationship and formed a Triad, that shifting it at this point will be met with resistance. Maybe I need to do some poly research so I can brush up on the different relationship configurations and find one that may work.

I'm going to give us all some air from the overly emotional past week and then revisit the emotional blackmail with the third, thanks to your advice. I hope she will acknowledge and take responsibility for it.

I do believe my husband gets similarly upset seeing me distraught, I think that since I am more outgoing and talkative than our third, that he may have unintentionally started paying closer attention to her needs in an attempt to anticipate them. I also think that because their personalities are much more similar that he may just identify with her more readily and understand where she is coming from more easily. They are both Introverted Thinkers and I'm and Extroverted Feeler. We have discussed with her a need for her to speak up, which I hope will resolve this.

I communicated my illness to the third as soon as it looked like we may become a triad, and even provided her with an in depth article on a few of the conditions I'm facing.

Your posts really cheered and validated me, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your time and support. Much hugs!

kdt26417 : I am very lucky in that I didn't have to demand that the third return home. She actually had to go home because her laptop died and that gave me and the husband all of yesterday evening and night alone in the house. Through our conversation last night, he agreed it would be good for her to go home a few nights a week, so thank goodness, this will hopefully become a non-issue. Thank you!
 
Glad to hear the situation has improved.
 
I'm seriously considering asking that we shift into more of a "V" to eliminate my fears regarding the house if things fail, but I'm concerned that since we already "dissolved" our previous relationship and formed a Triad, that shifting it at this point will be met with resistance.

Just a quick note on the above: you don't have to ask permission of the others, or negotiate transitioning to a V. Your right to remain in a relationship with both of them remains yours exclusively. If being in a romantic relationship with someone who seems a bit manipulatory or emotionally immature doesn't float your boat? It doesn't have to go by the committee. That's not how poly works. Also, it's not an 'either/or' thing. You can also remain in the triad and clearly establish that the whole moving in together thing is not on the cards, now or maybe even ever. Sure, that last one is going to some extent limit the degree to which the triadic relationship will grow and lead to the three of you becoming life entangled together, but it sounds to me like that would only be a good thing right now. You really don't know your new girlfriend anywhere near as well as you both think you do, and the same for her. Did you move in with your other partner and start playing at spouses so soon after meeting him, or did it take you guys time to figure out if you were compatible long-haul runners together? Time to figure out if you were able to share space full-time? Time to figure out if you had similar life goals and values? No? So where's the rush here? Just because you and him have established a certain level of intensity and trust together, it doesn't mean she gets to piggyback off of that and get to expect that she gets the same from both of you. That's not what egalitarian poly is about - it's about leaving the door open for that to evolve and not blockading it from day one. Deepening a relationship and developing trust between people takes time, and that shit must be earned. I get the sense that in trying to not treat her secondary or less-than (which is great) you and he are nevertheless making the mistake of basing your new three way relationship on your old two-way model of relating…and that is far more advanced than the actual stage of your new relationship deserves, hence the feeling of discord and disconnect here. Anyway, I hope untangling it all goes well. You need time and space to recover your energies and refocus. Make sure you get that first, and then move on to attend problems in the relationships.
 
I hope your discussions with your third go well. Are you going to share this thread with her as well? Be sure to hold to your boundaries when you do.

I second the point that if it does not work for you to currently be romantically involved with your third then you can be a V while still remaining friends with her.

Leetah
 
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Hey!

I'm happy to read that things have already started to improve. If some of my ideas were way off base, I'm happy about that as well. I just thought that I should mention the possibilities.

You did just about the very best thing in sharing this thread with your husband. And kudos to him for taking it so well, and giving consideration to everybody's input.

Some of the most important factors in making poly work (aside from love) are openness, trust, and communication.

The one detail about your reply that didn't click with me was
I am very lucky in that I didn't have to demand that the third return home. She actually had to go home because her laptop died and that gave me and the husband all of yesterday evening and night alone in the house. Through our conversation last night, he agreed it would be good for her to go home a few nights a week, so thank goodness, this will hopefully become a non-issue.
This is NOT a non-issue, and shouldn't be allowed to become one. Good communication also means with her, and you have to be firm about her respecting your boundaries (and for that, she has to know where they are). You can't rely on her laptop dying every time that you need some slack. (Unless you're willing to tactically sabotage her laptop... and that would NOT be open and communicative. :D)

As others (most recently tenK) have pointed out, just because you've rushed into this relationship doesn't mean that you have to power full-steam ahead. I'm a pacifist, but I'm going to use a military analogy. If a platoon charges into battle, comes under heavy fire, and suffers [repeat word] heavy losses, the most sensible thing might be to beat a retreat.

I agree with tenK's comments 100%. I especially liked
It doesn't have to go by the committee. That's not how poly works. [...] You really don't know your new girlfriend anywhere near as well as you both think you do, and the same for her. [...] Just because you and him have established a certain level of intensity and trust together, it doesn't mean she gets to piggyback off of that and get to expect that she gets the same from both of you. That's not what egalitarian poly is about - it's about leaving the door open for that to evolve and not blockading it from day one. Deepening a relationship and developing trust between people takes time, and that shit must be earned.
 
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