On Being Happily Sad

JoBlack

New member
My relationship is poly, and also D/S, with my wife of 5 years. Both of us have been D/S and Poly since well before meeting each other, and our crazy plays well with each other; mostly.

I want to unload a little about my relationship, and the challenges that I have had with getting to where I am today, as well as the troubles that I continue to face down each week. Perhaps there is something of insight for me, or it's just cathartic, but I am going forward with it in any case. This is going to be pretty meandering, may not have much of a narrative or point, but is just something I want to share with someone out there who may empathize.

My wife is also my slave, by which I do not mean that gut churning tripe of 50 shades of sad, but rather that we have been in a commited relationship as M/S for 7 years now, and had a collaring ceremony in front of our friends, and some trusted family, to show our commitment. This is one of the peculiarities that our relationship is based on.

We are both also poly, and have had, or do have, relationships beside our own relationship. While once upon a time we engaged in the swinger crowd, years ago, that lost it's polish really fast due to the distinct lack of an emotional or romantic connection. Poly, and D/S, has meant for us a fulfillment of the other's joy outside of our commited relationship. We own our house, have a stable living situation, a young son, enough bedrooms for space that is each our own and our shared space, plus little other luxuries.

In a lot of ways our relationship appears like the rosy cheeked poster child for these kind of non-traditional relationships. Of course the reality is a shade different than that.

Brass tacks: I am not a very sexually active man, in that I do not engage in sexual activity on a consistent basis with any of my partners. I am not asexual, as I have desires for women, and the occasional pretty young man, but I do not feel the stirrings to act on these often. Perhaps once or twice a month I will seek out sexual relations, and even during those delightful NRE periods, I don't desire more than once a week. I mention this because of the stark contrast to my wife.

She has a sex drive akin to a jet engine; burns hot and fast, and requires lots of maintenance. For her, the average amount of sex in a week is two or three times, and she would ideally like it every day.

This is important to know about our relationship, because with consideration to all of the above, I am not her primary sexual partner. In terms of partners even she has had easily 6 times more than I, and I myself have had slightly over average for a man my age. This of course means that I have no illusions about the sexual nature of our relationship. She has sex more frequently in a month than I do in a year, and while the interpersonal aspect does not bother me, the societal implications of this for a man still weigh on me.

The roles we fulfill for each other are that of a protective, responsible and caring head of household, and a playful, spritely companion.

Now when I talk about my relationship I frequently have to respond to the same sorts of disbelief and assumptions, in different forms. Typically people assume that being poly means that I have several girlfriends, and my wife stays at home; quite the opposite is true, as I have had one girlfriend in the last two years, as opposed to her 5 meaningful relationships, and several other flings.

Then follows the assumption that a D/S relationship means that I must beat my wife/slave into submission, and generally am something out of a 90's German bondage porno. Reality of course is much more dull, and entails responsibilities and commitments that fall into the realm of willing power exchange; not whips and chains. It is very much like having obscene amounts of power over a person, while they are devoted to an insane degree because of how responsibly that power is exercised.

To further complicate things though, I have major depressive disorder, and take medication for it to balance myself out. I do not function well without the assistance of medication, and have a history of tending to self medicate; with all the troubles that can bring.

My feelings related to my wife, our relationships, and how I process everything, can swing from one end of the pendulum to the other in the course of a day. Sometimes I am resentful and angry towards her, because I may feel neglected, used, or unnecessary. Other days I just about am bursting with love and compersion for her, and just love to see her smile and be happy. I know it is a dopamine tide that causes it, as my neurochemistry is pretty out of wack, and thankfully after years of counseling I am capable of using my learned coping skills, emotional brakes, and other strategies to keep myself balanced when I'm 'low' or 'high.'

I know however that just being with me is a challenge for her, because she is deeply commited to me. When I am low, I know that it hurts her feelings because she does not like to see my unhappy or depressed. Of course I try my best to conceal it until I either process it, or it passes; but that doesn't always work. There are plenty of times that I break down and turn into a wreck, alternating between angry accusations and sobbing recriminations.

Frequently I wonder how she honestly puts up with the nonsense on a monthly basis, but then I have to remind myself that she loves me as much as I do her, and she has support from her partners. For that I am grateful, when sober and clear minded anyways, because most people do not have the benefit of that other partner to go to when the other is in shambles.

These sorts of self affirmations are something that help me to deal with the times when I come unglued, and begin to become paranoid and upset about her other relationships. By no means am I immune to jealousy, and during those low times it can really sink in it's teeth and lock it's jaws.

Now all of that above, (and boy was that a long winded explanation that is not even half the tale), is actually for a reason.

Currently she is in a relationship with an older man whom she has a lot of spontaneous fun with, who takes her out to her favorite activities and surprise dates, and frankly he has a hell of a lot more income than me to spoil her with, I am just a teacher after all. So they typically spend 2 to 4 nights a week together, depending on the lineup of things in any given week.

Now I have made a decision, due to her past relationships, that I do not become close friends with her boyfriends, and do not go on trio dates, because her relationships can be a little volatile and it takes a lot of energy on my part to make friends; thus I don't like having to lose one when things go belly up. It's pessimistic, I know, but time had taught that lesson. This means that when she is with him, I typically excuse myself and never go out with them to these things.

This has led to the matter that I basically remain at home pretty much every night of the week, while she goes out 2/3rds of the nights that she has free of work. Something which I am at times resentful of, but I recognize that it is my decision to remain at home and my decision to not seek any relationships of my own. Nor do I want to burden her with the idea that her meaningful relationship with him is impacting me; because it is not. Rather the contrast between the relationships is what has the impact.

However this has led to the somewhat curious situation where she feels like she is taking advantage of me remaining at home so she can go out, and has more than encouraged me to go find a girlfriend or boyfriend of my own. Even when I speak with her about not wanting a partner of my own in the foreseeable future, she continues to be unhappy with what she perceives as me being alone and sad.

I am lonely, that much is true, but that's halfway a conscious choice of my own with respect to my depressive states. More than this, I have found past relationships to be draining, not energizing, and often leave me making excuses to both so that I can be alone. I chose a while ago to just be alone with myself until I can learn to love myself without seeking fulfillment from someone else. Besides, dating sites tend to be an absolute nightmare for me.

But this still leaves me in a position where she is unhappy at times because I am unhappy, but the reasons are misattributed. She means well, and really does want to try and help me be happy, but I think is struggling with the idea that what makes her happy is not what makes me happy.

This is a complex mess, I know, but has anyone else had experiences in the same ball park that could give me some insight, or at least reassurances.

Or perhaps just some stories of what it is like being in a relationship with someone who is damaged, and I can get a glimpse of the other side of the fence.

If you got all the way to the end of this, then you deserve a Kewpie doll for your commendable endurance of wading through the baggage I spilled.
 
Hey, vintage Kewpie dolls are worth a pretty penny! I'll take one.

My two guys are on the depressive and PTSD side. I struggle with wanting to help them so my world can be sunny again. I am trying to get it through my head that I cannot just find the gears in their brains that need me to clean them up and reseat them so Hooray! No more depression!. I am also trying to find out how to relax and let my world be sunny when they have grey clouds following them around. Being conscious that these are things I need to do is a new thing for me so I am no expert at it.

Your wife fears she is taking advantage of you and you at times feel taken advantage of. Is there something besides an outside relationship which you would like to do and she could facilitate? Even if it is just going to the library to grade papers without having to do childcare at the same time, it might remove that irritant. If there is something you want to explore in your search for more emotional stability she could give you the time and space to do it.

Here's hoping for a more peaceful life! (With Kewpie dolls)

Leetah
 
....has anyone else had experiences in the same ball park that could give me some insight, or at least reassurances.

Or perhaps just some stories of what it is like being in a relationship with someone who is damaged, and I can get a glimpse of the other side of the fence.

Hi JoBlack,

You might ask the mods to move this to the Poly Relationships section where you'll get more of a thorough discussion, if that's your intention. The Blog section is mostly for you, the writer, to explore your life with occasional response from your readers. Many more people get involved in the PR section who don't read every blog in this section.
 
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my 2 pence

Hi JoBlack

I'm new to this forum, but some of the things you discuss do ring bells with my situation.

I completely agree with your definitions and opinions of Poly as well as those regarding D/S.

My wife has recently decided to seek a D/S relationship with my consent, as it is something that she needs that I am not able to provide, thus she is now in a poly situation as well.

I must admit even my initial perceptions of BDSM and the D/S meanings have changed drastically over the last couple of months, but I must admit, without experience of D/S, people's perceptions are indeed something out of a 90's German bondage porno! and this is certainly not the case.

I sympathise completely with the imbalance of sex-drive. I am a very content person, open-minded and "at-peace" with who I am and what I like. Unfortunately I would be happy with once a week or two, but my wife is more 1 or 2 times a day if possible, and not just with "vanilla" but ideally with other things I am less comfortable with. Hence the new D/S relationship.

Our attempt to stabilise our situation has been to embrace polyamory and D/S all in one go! Time will tell if this has worked for us.

I hope you manage to work through your issues. I'm afraid I don't have any particular advice but just wanted to add my 2pence in case it helps, otherwise please ignore the ranting of a new member!
 
Just wanted to let you know that I read your post (and I want a Kewpie doll!:D)

In my situation it is my husband that has the low sex drive. When we were TTC (trying to conceive) was when I really had issues, realizing how little we have sex took a real toll on my self-esteem - until I decided NOT to believe the narrative. Now that Dude is in our lives, I get plenty of sex, MrS doesn't get pressure from me and I get to enjoy what each brings to the table.

(BDSM is something that I am curious about but have no experience with, so I will leave that to others more knowledgeable than I.)

My MrS has no inclination to put in the effort to go and find another relationship for himself (although he appreciates the freedom to do so if he chooses). That is his choice. He has other hobbies/activities that fill his "not JaneQ" time. It does help, I think, that he and Dude are best friends who get to live together because they share a partner - they do a lot of stuff together when I am at work.
 
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