Dealing with New Relationship Energy

WitchDragon

New member
Okay, so I feel very insecure, stressed and confused at the moment.

My partner and I are polyamorous - we are new to exploring it in physicality, but we are both intuitively sure of it.

Recently my partner developed a strong crush on a female mutual friend, he made moves on her and flirted with her and she reciprocated (she is aware of our poly status) and they kissed a few times at a party we held then she also kissed me and that evolved into a very sexy threesome with a situation that stretched on all week. At first I felt a lot of excitement and compersion - watching him be so horny for her was exciting. However of course I couldn't help notice how much he was drawn to her, because she is new and exciting and incredibly hot (I mean seriously haha) - and I fought off insecurity fairly well at first. I had a couple of moments of feeling a bit left out but I managed it well at the time - he only had sex with me VERY briefly (like literally a few seconds then back to her) and barely touched mel. They also spent a bit of time alone together when I had work which made me feel sensitive but I also felt like it was good for them. Then we all stayed at a friends house (a very poly accepting space) for a couple nights. The first night we just cuddled and kissed and I felt close to them both. I did feel a bit left out that they cuddled more then me but I accept it is hard to be equal with three in bed. Then the next day we communicated and shared thoughts and feelings and I felt very close to her as she said she feels really excited about being with me (I'm the first female she has ever slept with!) and when we had sex later on she focused on me a lot and made me feel really wanted and included. We also both went down on him and it was really obvious he was enjoying it more when she was in control, I found this pretty painful but I got over it. The next day me and him left to go home together and it kind of all crashed in on me, I just felt like all week he was cuddling her and kissing her and not really seeing me or desiring me, on the drive home I voiced my insecurities and cried and felt very sensitive and scared of losing him or being seen as less beautiful or special, and how after two years of being together someone else can give him better pleasure then me, and he said her mouth was physically nicer because it's softer and she has full lips which just really broke me. I felt so gutted. It was has always been a really important part of our sex life and I felt like connected to giving him oral pleasure that hearing that just really fucking crushed me. I began to feel wound up and found it difficult not to criticise the situation. I really felt like his commitment to me was already waning and that he was prizing someone he barely knows over myself and I have shown him so much loyalty and patience in our relationship. The worst thing is I know I've been really absorbed in someone too before and probably did the same thing without even being aware... In fact I definitely had a phase of being really sexually attracted to another person and when around them would always focus on them a lot. Now I feel really shit about it. I also feel really really sexually attracted to my partner again at the moment, so it's even more painful feeling his disconnection. We did make love alone the other night and it did feel beautiful but I can't shake off the fear.

Last night he went out with her and some friends (I couldn't come because of work) and that made me feel really fragile. He was really good though, he texted me a lot and even called me twice, but I ended up having a bit of a crazed mental break down anyway in the bath... Partly because a guy that I live with who is my ex-partner and best friend said "Oh yeah she is hottest girl I know" and when I said "oi!?" his reply was "your the second!" which just made me burst into tears and run away and hide. He isn't a dick he's just really autistic sometimes. I ended up calling the girl I have feelings for and she came over to cuddle and kiss me and soothe me better (and feed my ego by saying "whaaat I find you way hotter then her") - and yeah. I know it sounds pathetic because my partner is doing his best and the new woman is being really gentle and loving but I feel really fragile about the NRE I am seeing between them both. It's ridiculous because I know in my heart what I really want for him is his freedom, happiness and sexual liberty. But we're so close, so alike, we share all our dreams and hopes, it felt like we were building something incredible... Which I always wanted to be poly too, but now I feel terrified it's all going to slip away.
 
Ugh, and this is why I usually hate FMF threesomes. I've had that happen with 2 male partners of mine during a threesome. The other woman, who was new to the guy, was given more attention than I, the longer termed partner. I am sure this is very common. Men are not known for being emotionally sensitive!

In one case, the guy, who was a FWB, stopped seeing me after that threesome. He had life changes. Some time later we talked about it, and he apologised profusely, saying it was completely assholic of him, and told me how much I meant to him.

The other guy was more of a bf, and we had a few more threesomes, but only after a serious talk about him giving both women equal time. And one time we had a threesome on my birthday, and both my partners focused on ME and barely touched each other. Another time, my gf and I sort of took turns with him rather than trying to get him to make sure he gave us both equal time at once. I remember, on our first threesome, the guy was playing with me, had me at the edge of orgasm, and suddenly switched to my gf! It was incredibly frustrating.

So, there are different ways things can go! The only thing to do is talk about it, without casting blame. But you can refuse to participate in threesomes if your guy is just bad at it. Comparing your lips to hers was a terribly insensitive faux pas.

Many couples new to poly think "sharing" a gf is the way to go, imagining "we are doing this together" is a healthy and successful way to go, but in my experience it can go horribly wrong and just increase jealousy, not prevent it.

It takes experience, skill, and finesse to work a threesome. It's a social event. Some people *cough* men *cough* have poor social skills.

I've given up on trying to do threesomes with my long term gf and a new guy. OTOH I did have a MFM on my bucket list and I made that happen this summer, the guy I'd been seeing for 7 months was a former swinger and used to different configurations, an exhibitionist and a voyeur, and on board with the idea. One guy was straight, the other guy I found (on OK Cupid) was bi. Naturally they didn't touch each other sexually, but just focused on me, teamwork. It was really great.
 
Yeah I do understand what you're saying, my partner and the new girl are both really inexperienced with group sex and I have some experience. I'm hoping with good communication we can turn the situation into something really beautiful, I just find it hard watching my partner seem really sucked into another person in front of my eyes - it's really sexy when I feel more included, but it hurts me when I feel excluded.
 
Sorry you're having such a hard time WitchDragon :(
I am in a triad myself and can understand some of the emotions you are feeling for sure. My long term bf and I both really care for our new gf and while it is beautiful I can understand that it can sometimes trigger fear or jealousy. I know that NRE is a very real thing and, the fact is, the shiny new partner is always going to attract that kind of attention. Just remember, LTE is amazing too. And while not always exciting, I think it's amazing.
I have gone through nights where I would feel jealousy when the two of them were having sex while I was stuck working in my home office (and could hear them) but when I really broke it down, a lot of the things I thought I was jealous about were actually just triggers that made me feel that way because of things inside of me. When you really think about it, if your partner and you have a fantastic and loving relationship, he's not with you for the sex or the great BJ. He's with you for who you are and sex with someone else will never change that. The fact is, our new gf is better at some things than I am. But when you stop looking at it as a threat or competition you can be happy that someone can provide that for your partner and remember that you also have so much to offer of your own.
It's not always easy, but the more you are honest with yourself and your partners, the easier it gets. I find already that my jealousy is becoming triggered less and less as time goes on.
My long term bf just told our gf that he loves her the other day. I thought it would freak me out but it didn't. His love for her does not diminish his love for me and I care for her a lot and am happy to see him fall more in love with her. I'm not ready to tell her I love her yet. I care for her greatly but I'm just not there yet. And you know what? That's ok! Relationships can't all develop at the same speed and that doesn't make one 'better' or 'more important' than another.
I'm just going on and on. Just a little of my personal experience since I think you're in a similar situation.
Hope it gets a little easier for you :)
 
It's been ages since I was in a triad. When we had threesomes they were more into each other than me. It was super new to my live in gf. Ironically, she became insanely jealous at the thought of our mutual gf and I having sex alone, even though she was fine with the two of them alone. Needless to say it didn't last.

Was I jealous? No. Did I feel left out? A little. Most importantly it revealed a flaw in my partner that, sadly, could not be worked out.
 
Hi WitchDragon,

One of the most helpful ways to deal with NRE is just to realize that it is NRE, and that it is very powerful but also temporary. So, it's no surprise that your partner is more excited about your mutual friend than he is about you, that's how NRE works, and it won't last forever. Perhaps the thing to do is come out and tell him when you need more of his attention. Due to NRE he may need reminders that, "Hey, I am still here too."

Hang in there, things should get better over time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Totally agree! When I see how my long term bf would instantly get aroused just kissing a new partner I would feel a little put off in the beginning. After I reminded myself that we were the same way almost 7 years ago I was able to relax. It's only natural to get extra excited about a new partner, I know I do it too! I often find that that NRE actually can translate into the 'older' relationship and add some fresh energy sometimes :)
I am now able to just embrace the NRE between my partners and be happy that they are enjoying it (and enjoy it myself). I know that it will cool off eventually too and just hope that we all develop amazing LTE like my bf and I have already.
I am also very vocal about my personal desires. If I feel like I have not been getting enough of something that I need, I will come out and express that. Never in an accusatory way, just for example "Lately I've been feeling like I need some alone time with bf to just be intimate and cuddle on our own and reconnect that way. When is a time that would work for everyone" If your partners respect you they will make the time to ensure you are getting what you need as well.
 
Are you aware of the fact that neither threesomes nor triads are required for polyamory? If group sex is not comfortable for you, there's no reason to force yourself to try and get into it. And most polyfolk have better success dating separately. Just so you know.
 
... I feel really fragile about the NRE I am seeing between them both. It's ridiculous because I know in my heart what I really want for him is his freedom, happiness and sexual liberty.

You need not force yourself to witness this, though. You're banging yourself into what you think poly should look like and as nycindie said, most poly couples do not "add a third" for the very reasons you so painfully explain. It's excruciating. Also, relationships are one on one even if three people are in the mix. There is no such thing as a three way relationship and part of your anxiety is that you feel this to be true. Each of you has a separate relationship with each other and there is no reason that you all have to be in on the intimate details of the other two. Allow yourselves some separation and privacy: (This is the key to all successful and happy long term relationships, BTW.) Sure, you want freedom and sexual liberty for yourself and your BF, but you don't have to witness each other's sexual experiences or even hear about the details of them if it doesn't bring you pleasure. Who on earth wants to hear that "her mouth is better than yours?" Good grief! This is Poly Folly 101. If you really want a long term polyamorous life, separate lovers is the most stable way to start out.
 
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FWIW? Here's some thoughts.

Maybe rather than taking things so personally and so all piled up... you could take them one issue at a time?

Recently my partner developed a strong crush on a female mutual friend, he made moves on her and flirted with her and she reciprocated (she is aware of our poly status) and they kissed a few times at a party we held then she also kissed me and that evolved into a very sexy threesome with a situation that stretched on all week

The next day me and him left to go home together and it kind of all crashed in on me, I just felt like all week he was cuddling her and kissing her and not really seeing me or desiring me,

So you have learned you probably should not have sex marathons like that because they come with a hangover. A lot of stimulus, little time to rest, then feeling tired physically, mentally, and emotionally and needing time alone with him.

In kink, that's subdrop. Maybe you are having "polydrop." Maybe this old thread helps you on that. Maybe you can figure out what you need for "aftercare."

Maybe you discovered week long threesomes is too much. Keep it shorter if you are going to do group sex so you aren't so EXHAUSTED. Or maybe you discovered you are not up for any group sex right now so you are not witnessing sex acts being performed which later fuel your "comparison thing."

If you are both going to date her at the same time, maybe keep sex share separate.
  • you + him
  • you + her
  • him + her

Leave (you + him + her) group sex for later down the road if all want group sex and you are past your "comparison thing." Or don't have group sex at all.

It's like overeating or something -- why do all the things at the front end of the relationship? Spread the experiences out some with time in between to rest. There's no rush.

on the drive home I voiced my insecurities and cried and felt very sensitive and scared of losing him or being seen as less beautiful or special, and how after two years of being together someone else can give him better pleasure then me

You are not stating what you NEED. Be a lot faster if you just said "I feel wonky. Like sensitive and scared. I need some comforting words. I need to hear that you care about me and love me. That I am beautiful and special to you. Could you be willing to say things like that?"

and he said her mouth was physically nicer because it's softer and she has full lips which just really broke me. I felt so gutted.

Sounds like he thought the conversation was about (sex details). When you wanted the conversation to be about (comforting words for you).

If he's distracted with NRE lala cloud possibly having his OWN hangover? All the more reason to be VERY CLEAR about what you need and what the purpose of the conversation is so you are sure you penetrated the cloud.

Or wait to have this conversation when both are more clear headed.

Had you said "I need some comforting words like...." maybe that would clue him in to what ballpark this is and you would have gotten the comforting words you were hoping for.

It was has always been a really important part of our sex life and I felt like connected to giving him oral pleasure that hearing that just really fucking crushed me.

When did it stop being a part of the (you + him) sex life?

Why are you making oral sex the measure of your value?

I really felt like his commitment to me was already waning and that he was prizing someone he barely knows over myself and I have shown him so much loyalty and patience in our relationship.The worst thing is I know I've been really absorbed in someone too before and probably did the same thing without even being aware...

I think you could cut both you and him some slack. Make it more like....

"In the past, I've been really absorbed in someone without even being aware of how that affects my other partner. Now here he is doing the same thing.

Rather than jump to conclusions about him not being interested in me any more, I could remind myself this is part of NRE and he needs his time to figure it out too.

On my end? We may need to talk about a strategy to manage poly hell feelings so both of us get through this phase ok enough. And we need to talk about aftercare if intense group sex is going to become a thing. That needs better pacing to reduce hangovers."


In fact I definitely had a phase of being really sexually attracted to another person and when around them would always focus on them a lot. Now I feel really shit about it.

So the solution to you having a hangover and feeling bad is to beat your own self up for needing some time and space to learn things in the past? You expect yourself to be omnipotent and know all the things already?

Why do this? :confused:

Call it a new thing learned and be ok with that. WITHOUT beating you up. Don't be your own self bully. Be kinder to yourself and give yourself comforting words. You want him to do it. You could help and do some too. Not be tearing yourself down.

I also feel really really sexually attracted to my partner again at the moment, so it's even more painful feeling his disconnection. We did make love alone the other night and it did feel beautiful but I can't shake off the fear.

You keep calling it disconnect, but to me it mostly sounds like hangover.

He's with you, he's talking, he's sharing sex... He's a bit distracted with NRE but you've BTDT too.

What are you afraid of that will happen? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Ahh I've been so busy, just got round to replying!

@Adiktd

Yeah I know that really it's not seeing their love or happiness or sexual fufillment that makes me feel uncomfortable or unhappy, it just triggers my insecurities! I hope I can learn to deal with it and that overtime it makes more sense. We've both already told her that we love her (I have never been uncomfortable with saying that, I always tell people the moment I feel it) but it just freaks me out seeing him always be drawn to her sexually. She is actually pretty concious of sharing her energy with both of us, but we've talked about how it's not always realistic for it to be 'equal' and that developing seperate connections is important. Also their connection has definitely added extra energy into our relationship :D So it's not all bad.

@vinsanity0

Ouch. Yeah I would never cope with that haha. My partner has already had sex with her alone. That doesn't bother me as long as he also has sex with me alone still, it would really bother me if he wasn't having regular sex with me alone still.

@kdt26417

Yeah it's painful to navigate but I'm trying hard to accept that NRE is an unavoidable fact of polyamory and beautiful in it's own way. I'm learning so much about myself and relationships. Also me and my partner have been having lovely sex too without her and he has been making a big effort since I post here to make me feel really loved and included and supported.

@nycindie

It would be virtually impossible as we are live-in partners and we live rurally and work at the same place... Well, not impossible, but I would be far more threatened and uncomfortable if he was spending a decent amont of time with another person. The only way it would work is if we were talking about casual lovers and we just spent the odd night or two apart, but we both want to form more committed/long-term relationships and we've always discussed desiring a shared extra partner. Also I've had lots of group sex before, this is far from my first experience. It's just my first time where my partner has been super focused on someone else.

@FallenAngelina

I don't agree that relationships can't be three way, they are always one on one but can include other people too, even outside of poly - e.g my boyfriend and his daughter and me definitely had a special triad energy relationship as well as our own individual ones. I would also never feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone and not knowing about their sex life. Even my housemates and me talk about our sex lives. I am not a closed book and have no desire to be. I'd rather live in agony and truth then be blissfully ignorant. I'm sure seperate lovers is easier but I'd rather learn the hard way and try to navigate this situation then do it differently right now.

@GalaGirl

Yeah we totally should have thought about aftercare. Things have been a lot better since I posted, my partner has been much more concious and apologized a lot and cried a lot about the mistakes he made. We're so new to this and we have so much to learn. Also I can see the value in not trying to have group sex all the time as it's kind of stressful to keep up. Thanks so much for your links and commentary, really helpful and comforting.Thank-you so much!
 
Glad to hear things are going better.
 
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