I think I need to be poly?

Jaf71

New member
Hello, thanks for reading my post and thanks in advance for any responses.

So, about me...

I'm a 45 yo divorced (2011, 6 years) father of two daughters, 11 and 13.* I have a strong and healthy relationship with their mom and her husband (just friends).* My daughters are and always will be my number one priority even though I do not have custody.

I have always taught them to think critically and use their best judgement on how to live life, how to treat others, and how to be happy...I think I've been hypocritical since I have hurt too many women and myself in these short term relationships.

Since my separation/divorce I've had a few relationships with women. They were all monogamous, and I ended all of them but one; that woman broke my heart.* I did have two friends with benefits that ended well though.

I ended the others because I felt smothered and I know I have commitment issues from my divorce and childhood problems.* I seem to subconsciously think there is someone better out there or that nothing good ever lasts...a topic for another discussion

I did and still do care for these women, maybe even truly loved some of them, but usually after three months my mind wanders to thinking I don't love them enough to continue, I want something more or different, blah, blah... They all wanted me to be the "end all, be all" guy and I never had those feelings.

These may have been the end of New Relationship Energy (NRE) or its just not love? The sex is usually pretty awesome and I've tried a lot of new things with these ladies. So sex has never been an issue and sex is very important and high priority* to me once we get there.

So should I go with Poly?

I know I can love multiple women, I can accept them loving others ( I think), I can eventually explain this to my daughters, I love to have my own time, I'm not homophobic so threesomes are not out (don't know if that's popular in poly relationships?); and I really want a healthy, strong, communicative, and happy relationship or relationships.*

That's me in a nutshell so the question is...

Am I looking for polyamory?*
 
For the moment?

Don't assume "polyamory." You are what you will be -- THAT is something very important.

I truly feel badly that you have run into this at your age -- I'm 59 FWIW.

You have had exprience to which most "poly" guys can only aspire. You are not by ANY means "failed" -- you are experienced & I hope that you will join in the discussions hereabouts.
 
On the surface, I was very similar. the only difference is I didn't have a fear of commitment. My issue was I felt I could commit to more than one person. Or, more importantly, I never felt I could commit to just one. I ended up being a serial monogamist for the most part. For me, poly was the only thing that made sense, once I learned about it.
 
Thank you both for the reply.

I've been reading up on polyamory and thinking how this could fit into my life, or rather how I would fit into it. I do feel like a serial monogamous and I hate hurting the other person when it ends. I had very strong feelings for all of the women I've been with but I've never like they were the "one" . So maybe there isn't just the "one", maybe I'm looking more than just one? So much to figure out and ponder about...
 
I think you can only answer that question -- whether or not you want to try Open or poly models including solo poly. (#3 in this article)

I ended the others because I felt smothered and I know I have commitment issues from my divorce and childhood problems.* I seem to subconsciously think there is someone better out there or that nothing good ever lasts...a topic for another discussion

You will have to address all that separately. But in the meanwhile? For dating? To me it seems easier to just tell them ahead of time "I'm not looking for a long haul thing. I just want to date a while -- like 3-6 months. "

Then they know what to expect when they date you. When it comes time to part, they aren't surprised or anything. They aren't seeing you as "the one." It's their own free choice to date you. They are willing to experience break up feelings when it ends. You don't have to feel bad about it -- everyone is making their own choices here.

There is nothing wrong with short term quality relationships.

I'm not homophobic so threesomes are not out (don't know if that's popular in poly relationships?)

Group sex is not a requirement of polyamory.

I really want a healthy, strong, communicative, and happy relationship or relationships.*

Could stop stressing about how long they last and just communicate more up front. So when you participate in that short term quality relationship, it is strong and communicative and can have a healthy parting when its day is done.

It's just dating, dude. Not every person you date is destined to be a long haul runner. And sometimes one doesn't date looking for that. Sometimes one just dates to get to know people. It's ok to do that.

I do feel like a serial monogamous and I hate hurting the other person when it ends.

Well, how do you end it? Are you a jerk about it? Or polite? If you are polite? It's ok for them to be bummed out a bit and for that not to be your problem. Each person could do their own emotional management.

Break ups are never like "Yay! Let's make cookies!" but it's a part of dating. Are you taking on emotionally responsibility that is not actually yours?

Galagirl
 
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This is just my opinion from having read your brief words. I could be wrong.

To me, so far, you don't sound polyamorous. You sound poly curious... You want to see if you can manage to handle more than one romantic relationship at a time. You'll have to see if you could handle having a partner who is also having sex and emotions for another man, so you aren't being hypocritical.

So far you leave women when the NRE wears off. This must be hurtful to the women. It sounds like you enjoy the pursuit of someone new more than actually enjoying getting to know someone and allowing the relationship to deepen. Your hormones get stirred up by NRE sex, but once she begins to become a little familiar, your desire for her lessens or dies.

But you might be helped in your rather unfortunate behavior, which hurts feelings, by understanding the nature of "commitment" in a poly relationship model.

There is the idea of the relationship escalator. In conventional relationships, when dating, we are looking for "The One," someone to date, have sex with, start going steady, meet each others' friends and families, take vacations together, move in together, mingle finances, have furbabies and care for them, get married, have kids, grow old together.

In poly relationships, you can ride the escalator to any floor you like, and that your partner agrees is also enough for her or him. So, in your case, if you didn't feel tied in to the entire escalator, you could start seeing a woman and go to whatever stage, just dating and fucking, or you could meet each other's friends and families, do overnights or not, even move in together, while still having relationships with others.

Of course, your dating pool will be smaller when you are upfront about not wanting the entire escalator. Most women still want that. You'll need to find poly women who don't depend on you for all their relationship needs. You'll need to be aware of your true needs and desires and share these with your potentials, to see if they are on the same page upfront.

And you'll have to see if this new mindset increases your staying power in relationships. Personally, I am poly and have been for many years, but I don't want to put effort into getting to know a new person, getting attached to them through talking with them, and sexing them, only to be dumped after 3 months! I've got a live in partner, and I like to have one other steady partner that is local, that I can see one to three times a week. It's a lot of effort to find a new partner, so I am choosy about whom I consider dating. I want someone with staying power, so love, or at least a strong dependable friendship, can develop.

You'll need to look at your issues with commitment that stem from childhood and the way your marriage went. Perhaps with therapy you can unpack that baggage and become a more responsible loving partner to future women, and set a better example for your daughters, and be an asset to the poly community in general.
 
The concept "polyamory" has a few variant attempts at a brief definition (as we've been tackling in another thread). But there's one consistency across ALL of them: an emphasis on the loving/emotional side. Even Zell makes it clear, saying that if there's no sex, it's not poly, BUT if it's only sex, it's not poly.

You're not poly. Your heart is simply not in it. Should you someday find change within yourself, the door will be open... but it's not right now.

There's nothing wrong with not being polyamorous. Plenty of people are very, very happy being some flavour of nonmonogamous without all the heavy lifting & niggly details of poly. Jaf71, you don't sound any different from some of the swingers I know, & they're great people, warm & friendly well-rounded human beings.

I'd suggest some therapy just because I've gotten excellent results from surprisingly few sessions. I'd say you're a bit of an "Eeyore" because I'm naturally that way myself -- however, this can mask both extreme emotional vulnerability AND marked depression; I tend toward the former. If you feel you are satisfied with the way you are, a therapist might help you feel happy to be that way; if you find that you cannot be happy with a lack of longterm connection, then you probably want to consider change.

Meantime, continue to be upfront. You are what you are -- should you find women who are okay with not progressing beyond a certain point, you are certainly free to have your own regrets for "what could have been," but there's no reason to feel guilt/shame for them. Pick responsible, sane, mature adults, & be honest with them.
 
Greetings Jaf71,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

For all I know, poly might be right for you. Exploring Polyamory.com will help you figure that out. Check out our various threads and see what calls to you; post whenever you have thoughts, concerns, or questions to share. So far it sounds like you are interested in poly, but I can't tell if it goes further than that. If you'll continue to post, I might get a better idea.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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