Do Any of You 'Screen' Potential Partners for Poly/Poly Acceptance?

PurpleSun

New member
So, I detailed my recent breakup in this thread. This was a monogamous woman who kept asking for patience as she got used to the idea of polyamory, and did all she could to draw out the whole "just the two of us" scenario. She basically flat out lied about her ability to accept the two major points I look for in relationships: Whether or not someone is polyamorous (or at least poly accepting), and whether or not they are childfree.

That got me to thinking. Over on a childfree subreddit I belong to on Reddit, there is an extensive thread on how to probe as to whether or not someone is childfree (obviously, I did not use it with this woman, and should have).

That got me to thinking - should, for poly people like me for whom polyamory is an absolute must - there be some kind of hard screening?

This is something I tell people upfront. Like, seriously upfront. So is the CF stuff, and religion and politics. Those are major MUSTS. But people tend to lie about kids and poly. So, thoughts? Should we try to screen for poly status, and, if so, what would that look like?
 
The advantage of already being visibly multiply partnered is that there has to be SOME level of acceptance of me being poly before a first date. Doesn't help with regards to new partners I might as _after_ a new partner, though, or them acquiring feels and then suddenly having an issue. (luckily I haven't run into this, although one of my partners has).

This also touches on things.
 
The advantage of already being visibly multiply partnered is that there has to be SOME level of acceptance of me being poly before a first date. Doesn't help with regards to new partners I might as _after_ a new partner, though, or them acquiring feels and then suddenly having an issue. (luckily I haven't run into this, although one of my partners has).

This also touches on things.

Yeah, being visibly partnered with multiple people definitely helps. I am not at the moment, but this last relationship really drove home the fact that yes, this is something people will lie about. I am used to it on the issue of kids, because people genuinely believe they can change minds on that. But it never occurred to me that people would lie about being accepting of poly, because most monogamous people would be scared shitless at the prospect of sharing a partner, and I figured they'd run if they had a problem right upfront, which is why I say it right away. Nothing doing though, apparently.

Thanks for the reply, I will check the link out. :)
 
I do not consider myself polyamorous by nature (I've only had one proper poly relationship) and am generally not keen on non-monogamy (for myself - I recognise it's a legitimate orientation/choice and understand that others have different wants and needs).

If anything, I screen for cheating behaviours and dishonesty, though there is really no foolproof way to accomplish this other than asking the relevant questions, checking their social media info adds up etc.

I broke up with my first love due to his cheating on me. When I met my husband, Red, he was engaged to someone else. Nevertheless we fell in love. He wanted to end his relationship but was only weeks away from the wedding and felt it'd be all too difficult, so he insinuated he'd be down to continue with me in an affair type situation. I refused, and told him he could either marry her or be with me. He chose me and we were happily married for more than two decades.

I met my next partner, Jester, while Red and I were still married, but were separated. He knew my situation and accepted it. Despite this, and my having asked him outright if HE were involved with anyone else, Jester didn't tell me the truth straight away but chose to lie by omission. This almost broke us when I discovered he had a FWB who was a mutual friend, as I consider honesty the cornerstone of any serious, or potentially serious, relationship. Thankfully, that whole mess was sorted out fairly promptly, but it did leave a sour taste in my mouth and lingering doubts that continued to trouble our relationship in other ways.

Why the hell is it so hard for people to just be honest, I wonder?
 
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Hi PurpleSun,

I do not know of any ways of screening someone to find out if they are poly/poly-accepting. If someone says they are poly-accepting, but then later on it turns out they are not, then, that means they were lying. Reason enough all by itself to break up with them. But I don't know how to detect a liar beforehand. That would be great if you could do that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I do not consider myself polyamorous by nature (I've only had one proper poly relationship) and am generally not keen on non-monogamy (for myself - I recognise it's a legitimate orientation/choice and understand that others have different wants and needs).

If anything, I screen for cheating behaviours and dishonesty, though there is really no foolproof way to accomplish this other than asking the relevant questions, checking their social media info adds up etc.

I broke up with my first love due to his cheating on me. When I met my husband, Red, he was engaged to someone else. Nevertheless we fell in love. He wanted to end his relationship but was only weeks away from the wedding and felt it'd be all too difficult, so he insinuated he'd be down to continue with me in an affair type situation. I refused, and told him he could either marry her or be with me. He chose me and we were happily married for more than two decades.

I met my next partner, Jester, while Red and I were still married, but were separated. He knew my situation and accepted it. Despite this, and my having asked him outright if HE were involved with anyone else, Jester didn't tell me the truth straight away but chose to lie by omission. This almost broke us when I discovered he had a FWB who was a mutual friend, as I consider honesty the cornerstone of any serious, or potentially serious, relationship. Thankfully, that whole mess was sorted out fairly promptly, but it did leave a sour taste in my mouth and lingering doubts that continued to trouble our relationship in other ways.

Why the hell is it so hard for people to just be honest, I wonder?

Thank you for sharing this, lunabunny. It sounds to me like you're maybe monogamous, but ABLE to do poly? Does that sound right?

For me, I literally feel stifled, like, everything is just all wrong when I try to engage in monogamy. That's why I tell folks upfront. Same with other big stuff.

I've no idea why people can't just tell you what the deal is upfront. I get not wanting to derail a potential relationship, but it's never going to work anyway! Just Ugh. The CF screening one, when I use it, works pretty well for me. Hoping to come up with a poly one as well. Sick of wasting time on people like this.
 
From what I gather from your story you were told up front she had a problem with poly but would try. How much more screening do you need?

I've found most people feel strongly about the issue one way or the other. If someone says they are not sure? I won't expect much.
 
From what I gather from your story you were told up front she had a problem with poly but would try. How much more screening do you need?

I've found most people feel strongly about the issue one way or the other. If someone says they are not sure? I won't expect much.

No, no. She said she needed time to adjust, because she was, honestly, completely ignorant of the concept. I patiently educated her. And I repeatedly told her that I understood if she had an issue and we couple part ways. She continuously lied and strung me along.

It's kind of like the kid thing - a simple "yes" or "no" is not enough. People lie to keep their hooks into you.
 
Hi PurpleSun,

I do not know of any ways of screening someone to find out if they are poly/poly-accepting. If someone says they are poly-accepting, but then later on it turns out they are not, then, that means they were lying. Reason enough all by itself to break up with them. But I don't know how to detect a liar beforehand. That would be great if you could do that.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Hey Kevin T.,

Yeah, you cannot detect a liar, but what you CAN do is drill down. Like the aforementioned childfree screening that I linked, the key is sniffing out the lies through drilling further than just an initial question.
 
Thank you for sharing this, lunabunny. It sounds to me like you're maybe monogamous, but ABLE to do poly? Does that sound right?

Yes, that's about the size of it... under the right circumstances.


I get not wanting to derail a potential relationship, but it's never going to work anyway! Just Ugh. The CF screening one, when I use it, works pretty well for me. Hoping to come up with a poly one as well. Sick of wasting time on people like this.

Yeah, many people are fearful of not getting what they want, or losing what they think they "have". It's a self-centred position, really, and unrealistic because - as you say - if a relationship is based on a lie of such magnitude or there are fundamental differences, it's never going to work out in the long term.

Hey Kevin T.,

Yeah, you cannot detect a liar, but what you CAN do is drill down. Like the aforementioned childfree screening that I linked, the key is sniffing out the lies through drilling further than just an initial question.

I've learnt it pays to do some (ethical) sleuthing before things get too heavy.

The problem is... even if a partner did not originally lie, their views may change after a time. People change, it's a fact of life. So that even if they didn't think they'd ever want a child at age 25, by 33 they may be feeling differently. There is only so much "screening" one can do.

I'm not sure there is really any foolproof way to gauge if someone may be open to polyamory - unless they KNOW they're poly or have previously tried it and things worked out. A mono-transitioning-to-poly is always an unknown quantity. It's not a thing one can say with any certainty until one is actually IN that situation. (There are many poly-friendly folk who accept the notion intellectually but find they have great trouble adjusting when it comes to reality.)
 
Yes, that's about the size of it... under the right circumstances.




Yeah, many people are fearful of not getting what they want, or losing what they think they "have". It's a self-centred position, really, and unrealistic because - as you say - if a relationship is based on a lie of such magnitude or there are fundamental differences, it's never going to work out in the long term.



I've learnt it pays to do some (ethical) sleuthing before things get too heavy.

The problem is... even if a partner did not originally lie, their views may change after a time. People change, it's a fact of life. So that even if they didn't think they'd ever want a child at age 25, by 33 they may be feeling differently. There is only so much "screening" one can do.

I'm not sure there is really any foolproof way to gauge if someone may be open to polyamory - unless they KNOW they're poly or have previously tried it and things worked out. A mono-transitioning-to-poly is always an unknown quantity. It's not a thing one can say with any certainty until one is actually IN that situation. (There are many poly-friendly folk who accept the notion intellectually but find they have great trouble adjusting when it comes to reality.)

Luckily, I'm 37, and the youngest person I'll EVER date again after the last debacle is 32. If they don't know by then, then they likely aren't for me. We're just at different places in life if such basic life needs aren't in place. That's just me, but...it's how I'm rolling right now.
 
I personally have a few of my own boundaries to help me screen out those that can't handle poly.

I won't date anyone who is part of a recently openening up couple. Basically, if they already had a monogamous relationship and now they're just figuring out poly, hell no. Ask me out after you've already eached experienced falling in love with another person and both parties handled it well.

If a single person is new to poly and interested, then for me, it's important to know that they want to be poly as their OWN decision, not because they just like me enough that they're willing to let me convince them. So that means that if meeting me was the first time they ever even heard of it, I wouldn't consider dating them until they'd actually done some reading and research into poly and did some serious homework to figure out if this was ultimately the lifestyle for them, and even then, I'd be only very cautiously moving into that relationship (I'd likely limit my own personal emotional investment until I felt like they weren't going to abandon ship the moment they had to process some emotions). And I would also try to get a sense of how they have handled other emotional issues where in poly, it would require introspection and self-work rather than just expecting everyone else to change in order to manage their feelings.

Basically.... I'm not interested in being someone's test case or experiement. And yes, everyone has to start somewhere, I did too. But I knew damn well when I started dating poly people that I wasn't bothered by them having other partners (because the first poly people I dated were already married and had live-in partners so I obviously had to be able to accept that).

So, if you wanna date newbies, I suggest giving them homework of learning and having meaningful discussions about poly BEFORE you actually start dating them rather than after. Probably the best way to save yourself some drama and heartache.
 
Hi PurpleSun,

I do not know of any ways of screening someone to find out if they are poly/poly-accepting. If someone says they are poly-accepting, but then later on it turns out they are not, then, that means they were lying. Reason enough all by itself to break up with them. But I don't know how to detect a liar beforehand. That would be great if you could do that.

Regards,
Kevin T.

I wouldn't automatically say that someone who says they're poly-accepting but then turn out not to be is *lying*. That's one possibility, but it's also possible that when they said they were poly-accepting, they genuinely believed that to be the case, and then realized later on that they couldn't actually accept it. That isn't lying; they told the truth when they said they could accept poly, but they told that truth based on beliefs and assumptions. When they had the *experience*, it changed their mind. Or they might still be poly-accepting, but realize they aren't able to *participate* in a situation where their partner is poly. That doesn't mean they lied about being poly-accepting; it means they accept it in general, so they told the truth about being poly-accepting, but have learned through experience that they're unable to accept it as a direct part of *their* life.

One of my ex-boyfriends was a case in point. When we got together, not only did he say he had no problem with me being poly, but he believed he might be poly as well. After we agreed we were in a relationship, the first time he went on a date with someone else, he felt like he was cheating on me, even though he'd told me beforehand that he had the date, and I'd encouraged him to go. He hadn't lied about believing he was poly; he had based that on beliefs and assumptions, but experience proved otherwise.

As time went on, he became more and more uncomfortable with my being married. He went to great lengths to insure that his family, his employer and coworkers, and the band he was a member of didn't find out that he was dating a married woman. He literally had nightmares that the "wrong" person or people would find out and he would face consequences for it. He didn't lie about being poly-accepting, and never did have a problem with poly in general, but he realized through experience that he couldn't handle being *part* of a poly situation.

There is, in my opinion, no real way to screen anyone for poly or poly acceptance, because people don't know what they don't know. If they have never been in a poly relationship, or have never been in a relationship with a poly person, it's virtually impossible for them to know for certain that they're okay with it. They might genuinely *believe* they are, based on reading, conversations, etc., but they can't actually *know* until they experience it. And experiencing it might show that they were wrong about what they believed. It isn't dishonesty. It's the difference between believing something without enough actual experience or proof, vs. learning enough to realize they were wrong.
 
If someone says they are poly-accepting, but then later on it turns out they are not, then, that means they were lying.

Seems pretty black and white.

What if it makes logical sense, but emotionally your conflicted?

Cognitive dissonance is very common in humanity; I feel of two minds on the topic.
 
The problem is... even if a partner did not originally lie, their views may change after a time. People change, it's a fact of life. .

I'm not sure there is really any foolproof way to gauge if someone may be open to polyamory - unless they KNOW they're poly or have previously tried it and things worked out. A mono-transitioning-to-poly is always an unknown quantity. It's not a thing one can say with any certainty until one is actually IN that situation. (There are many poly-friendly folk who accept the notion intellectually but find they have great trouble adjusting when it comes to reality.)

Seems pretty black and white.

What if it makes logical sense, but emotionally your conflicted?

Cognitive dissonance is very common in humanity; I feel of two minds on the topic
.

This was my experience during the time my poly "V" was seriously contemplating transitioning to a full triad. In that situation, I was the hinge.

I could see the logic in it, and part of me felt I was being unfair or hypocritical for not immediately and joyously accepting the idea... however, I really did give it a shot and ultimately decided it was not going to work out.

In my defence, I never did promise I could or would do it. I (we all) agreed to "try" and see whether there was enough group chemistry and if we all felt comfortable, but the plan was quickly shelved when reality hit.

Certain things in life are an "all in, or all out" proposition and poly is one of them. Even if one partner elects to remain monogamous, they must give their informed consent to their other partner/s to live polyamorously... willingly and without undue pressure or coercion, or it won't work long term. Granted, sometimes that "willingness" will require a certain processing time and amount of self-work before it can be given unencumbered by reservations. This is normal.
 
I read that child free reddit thread... and it's so harsh. It's coming from the angle that everyone is trying to trick you into having kids. I guess being a woman and in control of my brith control it never occurred to me to be that heavy on the screening. I have first and last say over pregnancy and birth in my body. I've always stuck to telling my partners that they won't be having children with me. If an accident happen (which is unlikely because of the form of birth control I use) I would have an abortion. And that's it. I don't drill people to see if they are ever going to change their mind... because their mind doesn't really matter. If they want to have kids they can have them with someone else. I don't know, the tone of that piece really made me sad. Why are you dating someone if you have so little trust in them? If you think they are lying to you about something as major as having children with you? It just seems like a sad and dark way of approaching new people. But I'm lucky in that I'm in control of my reproductive system. And I tend to date people I trust and who have proven themselves to be honest with me and know themselves well enough to be honest with themselves. But I also tend to date people who have been my friends for awhile.

As for being open? Mostly I look for people who already have a proven track record. I see that they already know what a functioning polyamours relationship looks and feels like and they know what it's like to have a partner be deeply involved with someone else. That's what I would recommend although I have one partner who opened up his marriage so we could get together (this was now seven years ago)which was more work and completely worth it. But I knew him and his wife for years and loved and adored their relationship. We trusted each other going in...

hmm... so yeah... I guess my pattern is only date your friends? People you know and trust because you have some since of who they are? People you don't have to grill about subjects because you know they wouldn't be lying to you. People who know you. People you know. That seems so much more pleasant then walking into every new date assuming that this person is going to lie to you about their wants and needs.
 
I screen in that I'm open about wanting poly relationships. That weeds out a lot of people who want to be monogamous.

I have not had the experience of people outright lying to me about poly or children. I have had the experience of people being uncertain, exploring. I know I won't date a woman who is uncertain if she is into women sexually or romantically. People need to figure things out, for sure, but they won't done it with me. People sorting out their sexuality are not compatible with me. I'm not taking that risk again, like I did with Willow. Maybe people sorting out their relationship style are also not compatible with me? I'm less certain if I would date someone new to open and/or poly or not. I might take that risk, I may not.

But other than that, I don't think it's possible to deeply screen people, especially if they are lying to themselves.
 
There is indeed a great deal of similarity between attitudes toward or about nonmonogamy and childfree. It manifests primarily in the "you just haven't found the right person yet" mindset. From there, it can play out in various ways.
 
I personally have a few of my own boundaries to help me screen out those that can't handle poly.

I won't date anyone who is part of a recently openening up couple. Basically, if they already had a monogamous relationship and now they're just figuring out poly, hell no. Ask me out after you've already eached experienced falling in love with another person and both parties handled it well.

If a single person is new to poly and interested, then for me, it's important to know that they want to be poly as their OWN decision, not because they just like me enough that they're willing to let me convince them. So that means that if meeting me was the first time they ever even heard of it, I wouldn't consider dating them until they'd actually done some reading and research into poly and did some serious homework to figure out if this was ultimately the lifestyle for them, and even then, I'd be only very cautiously moving into that relationship (I'd likely limit my own personal emotional investment until I felt like they weren't going to abandon ship the moment they had to process some emotions). And I would also try to get a sense of how they have handled other emotional issues where in poly, it would require introspection and self-work rather than just expecting everyone else to change in order to manage their feelings.

Basically.... I'm not interested in being someone's test case or experiement. And yes, everyone has to start somewhere, I did too. But I knew damn well when I started dating poly people that I wasn't bothered by them having other partners (because the first poly people I dated were already married and had live-in partners so I obviously had to be able to accept that).

So, if you wanna date newbies, I suggest giving them homework of learning and having meaningful discussions about poly BEFORE you actually start dating them rather than after. Probably the best way to save yourself some drama and heartache.

This is exactly what I was hoping to find in this thread. Thank you. For one thing, after this last, most recent disaster, I am TOTALLY done with dating anyone who just wants to try it because she likes me enough, or with people who are terribly inexperienced, period. Prior to this last relationship, I swore off monogamous people two years ago. I kind of fell into that relationship, in a way. I should have just pushed back against her initial flirtations, but I didn't because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Then I got in way too deep and...well, all I can say is thank goodness it's over now.

I'm definitely going to save this post, if that is okay. After my last disaster, I definitely need to work through how not to get involved with people who cannot handle poly.
 
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