Scared I might be Poly

What an awesome way to start!

It's very, very good that you talked with him. Well done!

Perhaps you could suggest he take a look at this forum and other resources? He can get just as much support here as you can :)

He sounds like an awesome guy; congrats :)
 
So I talked to my boyfriend. He didn't storm out, he didn't get mad, he wasn't even really surprised. He said that he wasn't, but he could maybe work on getting used to me being so. And that there were things we had to talk about, and all, but I was actually the one who did all the crying and freaking out. I feel so much...lighter. We still have a lot to work out, figure out, and it's not like, he's amazingly happy with the whole thing, for example, he's not sure he would be okay with me having other serious long term relationships, but that we'd see how things went. He said that he didn't own me and it wasn't like I'd made a decision once that I would be with him from there on in, but that it was a decision that I made every day. I know he'd be happier if this wasn't the case, but that he wants me to be happy and would be way more worried about me repressing things and that in the future, there might be things he really wasn't okay with and maybe couldn't deal with, but that we had to take things as they come, and that he still loved me.

All in all, it went way better then I could have hoped. Thanks for all your help and advice and I'm fairly sure that I'll probably need it again, as I still have no idea what to do with/about all this, but my boyfriend knows, and he doesn't hate me, and thats enough for me for now.

That's all really great, Silia. Kudos to you for being so brave.

About this low libido thing tho. In a perfect world, your current bf would also be poly, or some form of non-monogamous, so he could get the sex you can't provide. How *does* he deal with your lack of drive, anyway?

Do you think getting involved with the new guy is fair, knowing you don't have much, if any sex drive? Or.... do you think the newness of it all would make you horny for him? How would that work, if you desire the new guy, but not your current bf?
 
Fuck if I know. I hadn't really thought much beyond this. I'm kind of hoping that the fact that I'm not feeling guilty all the time will help with the sex drive thing a little. I don't even know if anything will happen with the other guy, like, i haven't decided whether or not I even want to tell him I like him.

I know it's really hard on my bf, my whole lack of sex drive, it also doesn't help that we're often turned on by opposite situations. I am going to be getting my meds reevaluated. I'm also pretty much a firm believer in sex not being the most important part of a relationship. He's been okay with this so far, and given how things have changed we'll need to talk more about it, but thanks for bringing it up.

Thanks.
 
I know it's really hard on my bf, my whole lack of sex drive, it also doesn't help that we're often turned on by opposite situations...

Hmm, I wonder what you mean by "opposite." So, there's more to this lack of sex in your current relationship than just your meds.
 
It's mostly just that I generally need a lot of wind up, a night out, sexy clothes, that kind of stuff to get in the mood, because it can be really hard for me right now. After a night out, however, he generally just likes to crash out. If it weren't for the med related issues it probably wouldn't be that big a deal. Also, I dropped one set of meds recently and this particular issue has been getting a little better.
 
It's mostly just that I generally need a lot of wind up, a night out, sexy clothes, that kind of stuff to get in the mood, because it can be really hard for me right now. After a night out, however, he generally just likes to crash out.

Next time you go out, keep it a short night so that he still has some steam. Tell him you want to get home to show off your sexy lingerie, go fuck him in the car, whatever, but make sure he knows what you want so he doesn't crash.
 
NYCindie: Will try to keep that in mind.

Also, does anyone have any advice on setting basic boundaries to start out with? We're both completely new to this. I know the whole thing isn't something he's entirely happy about, which I completely understand. I mean, its still something that I'm trying to come to grips with. I guess, I read some stuff about boundaries involving little things, like him being the only one allowed to give me roses or having certain kinds of dates that are just for us, or a certain dress that I'll only wear for him or stuff like that in addition to big things like issues of sex or spending the night places or stuff.

He said his biggest problem was the idea of me having long term relationships with other people, about having to share me long term. I understand completely, but at the same time, I can't imagine just being able to say, okay, this has been going on x number of months so has to stop now. I guess, it would be easier to at least at first regulate things by level of commitment.

Any advice? I don't plan/really want to jump into anything right away and want to make sure I really think things through, especially while I'm still figuring out what I want. Before I have that down it seems like it will be hard to figure things out with my bf. Unfortunately, I know I tend to be the kind of person who needs to try things out before I can figure out how I really feel about them.
 
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you might want to check out tagged threads such as "foundations" and "lessons" ... or "boundaries" You can look for tags in the search engine and press tags.
 
He said his biggest problem was the idea of me having long term relationships with other people, about having to share me long term. I understand completely, but at the same time, I can't imagine just being able to say, okay, this has been going on x number of months so has to stop now. I guess, it would be easier to at least at first regulate things by level of commitment.

Of course. He's probably just thinking you'll casually date someone, maybe have sex a few times, then say, "See ya, Charlie," and "come back" to him.

He doesn't get being poly means many loves. Poly doesnt mean having a primary and a then a secondary you just kinda like and can sort of take em and leave em. Poly means being in relationship, committed to more than one. Even if you only see your secondary once a month, there will be ims, texts and phone calls.

And can one really regulate commitment? Feelings are feelings. If your new lover and you feel drawn to each other, you can't just become less interested in them to make your primary comfortable. Things have to follow their natural course. Some people do draw boundaries around texting the secondary a lot when the prmary is right there for couple time tho.

It's important to show lots of love and affection to your primary while experiencing new relationship energy with another.

That said, it sounds like you and your husband have some iffy areas going on in your own relationship right now around sex. Taking you out on a romantic date (foreplay for women, right?), getting you all warmed up and sexy feeling, and then just falling asleep when he gets home... not good.
 
That said, it sounds like you and your husband have some iffy areas going on in your own relationship right now around sex. Taking you out on a romantic date (foreplay for women, right?), getting you all warmed up and sexy feeling, and then just falling asleep when he gets home... not good.
From her other posts, I got the idea that her libido was lacking a lot of the time. Maybe he just thinks it's ok for things not to build up to sex since it doesn't happen when he's expecting it. Just a guess.
 
I guess I'm odd in that I don't really consider that a problem with our relationship. But I guess because I've been on the meds since before I was sexually active I kind of just never put as much emphasis on sex as other people.
 
Hi, Silia! I've been following your story since the beginning. At one point or another most of us have been in your shoes. Let me congratulate you on being willing to explore who you are and seeking some advice. It's a huge step. I'm glad the talk with your boyfriend went well. It make not seem like it, but that is one of the most positive reactions that can realistically be expected. I hope as your love and relationship continue to grow and strengthen that he will be willing to try opening up to the possibilities that non-monogamy provide. *fingers crossed*

We, as people, are taught to fear the unknown, and too often we formulate opinions without adequate knowledge of a subject. Knowledge is a powerful thing. I would suggest having him look at some threads on this site to get a better understanding of polyamory and non-monogamy in general. It may help him understand that it isn't a matter of loving him less, but wanting to love more. Remember that this is a learning and growing experience for him as much as it is for you.

Remember that there is no need to rush things; just take them as they come. I have found that many stresses in a relationship are caused by arbitrary deadlines that we create. You guys are young. You have all the time in the world. In my own relationship has become infinitely happier and stronger since I learned to stop rushing towards the destination I have imagined for us. Life is truly in the journey, and I realized that I was pushing so fast and so hard that I was missing all these beautiful opportunites to live and love and grow together. I was missing what made us a couple, what made me want to be with him for the rest of my life. My advice: don't rush, be true to yourself, and enjoy every moment. And remember that adding more people adds the potential for more drama and more frustration, but also the potential for more love and more opportunities to make memories.

Oh, I almost forgot the reason I originally wanted to post.

It's mostly just that I generally need a lot of wind up, a night out, sexy clothes, that kind of stuff to get in the mood, because it can be really hard for me right now. After a night out, however, he generally just likes to crash out.

Lack of sex has the potential to be a huge issue in your relationship, especially if you are starting to explore polyamory. Honest communication and consideration for your partner(s)'s feelings are two of the most important things for making any relationship work. These get exponentially more important with each person added. With regard to your boyfriend's feelings, you have to try to understand what your desire to possibly explore non-monogamy makes him feel. Feelings of inadequacy are very common. (Ie. "If I was enough then she wouldn't want anyone else, right?") This is going to be doubly important if he feels the amount of sex you have is low. ("She doesn't want to have sex with me, but she wants to do it with other guys. What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?) I could go on forever about every possible thought and worry that might cross his mind.

The key is to listen to your own heart and his. Talk about things. You truly need to work on your relationship with him, dealing with any concerns and issues before adding more people. Remember that this is the man you love. You don't want to lose him just to see how things may play out with another. Strengthen you bonds. Make him feel loved and desired. A relationship is like a building: you need a strong foundation before you add more floors (whether kids or additional partners), otherwise it will be unstable and prone to collapse.

As for trying to deal with the physical aspects of showing that you love and desire him, have you tried any other ideas to get you in the mood more often? It sounds like you aren't opposed to more sex (I know people who are), but simply that your libido isn't cooperating. Most women need hours of mental stimulation to really ramp up, which is probably why a night out all dressed to the nines is what you need. I would suggest doing a few things to kickstart the same feeling earlier in the day. Perhaps wear sexy underwear to work or write down a fantasy on your lunch break. I'm personally a huge fan of sexting, as it plants the idea and has you anticipating the follow through for hours. By the time I get home I'm practically ready to tear my boyfriend's clothes off. I also find that planning a romantic interlude for him turns me on and is something I can do throughout the day. As cheesy as it sounds I get all dolled up, put on some soft music, a little candle light, and a massage. All done to relax him and show how much I love him, with no pressure for sex on either of us. Sometimes he's so relaxed he falls asleep. Sometimes I'm feeling so relaxed and sensual that I naturally roll it into sex. Definitely win-win! I also loved Nycindie's advice on keeping the evening's activities shorter so that he doesn't run out of steam on you when you are trying.

All of these things work really well for us. There are a bunch of websites and articles to give you ideas if you want to try them. Let me know and I'll post some links. I hope this helps and apologize for any repetition of other posts! Best of luck!
 
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