In the past, you've called your situation a V but in this post you call it a triad.
I apologize if I got my terminology wrong. I've seen the word "triad" defined on the web as any form of three-person relationship, i.e. a triangle
or a vee. In any case, you are correct... our relationship is strictly a vee, not a triangle, with my wife as the fulcrum.
Here's the crucial question I have- Why does she [the OSO] want you to stay if she is not poly and not in love with you? What is her motivation?
That's a very good question. The OSO gave the following reasons for wanting the three of us together in a vee, as opposed to just stealing my wife away from me:
- My wife needs both of us. It would break my wife's heart to lose me.
- The OSO would never want to break up a marriage.
- The OSO respects me.
Additionally, my wife added that she [my wife] would not be interested in her [the OSO] if she [the OSO] wanted to steal her [my wife] away from me. (The use of pronouns in poly sentences can get a little tricky, huh?
) Also, the OSO might have some fear that my wife (being bi) could fall for another guy down the road if I left her, maybe even leave the OSO for him... but I don't know how significant that fear really is. I'd be speculating.
Both my wife and her OSO feel guilty about what they've done to our relationship so far, and particularly the
way in which they did it, i.e. cheating on me for 7 months in front of me without telling me, bonding with my kids during that time, etc. (Clarification: By "cheating", I mean that they fell in love with each other, held hands, kissed (<-- that broke my heart), wrote love messages to one another, not sure how much father they went physically, but they
did wait until asking for my permission before becoming completely physically intimate.)
The OSO once told my wife once that "of course" she would want the relationship to be just the two of them (i.e. monogamous), but she's never pushed for that. To the contrary, she's always made conscious steps to keep me in the relationship.
I'm not entirely sure that for myself, many more loves=much more happiness. That seems to be an adage of poly that is only true for very poly people in the equation. For the rest of us it tends to equal incredible, painful, struggle.
For my wife, two loves=more happiness, but only when the planets are aligned and everything is working perfectly. Most of the time, she's dealing with the struggle and angst from me, her OSO, or worst of all... both of us at the same time. Couple that with her own guilt, and it's incredibly stressful for her. Additionally, for my wife, less than two loves=more sadness. She fell in love with another woman over twenty years ago, before we even met, and held onto that love in her heart throughout our entire marriage. Yet she was never able to accept herself as being bisexual until just recently, when she met her OSO and knew she needed to be with both of us (me and her OSO). Only after truly accepting herself as bisexual and having a relationship with both of us, has my wife fully blossomed.
The OSO feels miserable whenever I'm intimate with my wife. She doesn't feel compersion for us, but rather it breaks her heart and she struggles with it terribly. Both my wife and her OSO tell me that 90% of their discussions are about me. (My wife loves to talk about me, in a positive way.) And I know it frustrates my OSO that I'm always in the center of my wife's mind. And ironically, I actually feel bad about that... I'd prefer they enjoy each other more when I'm not around. (And I'm also secretly very flattered that my wife loves to talk about me so much! As I love to talk about her to my friends too. Like I said, we're two peas in a pod.
)
You may feel like [...] you can't do it, that it is too much, that you have no real "good" choice, just a heap of bad ones. I know how that feels and it really sucks. [...] The last piece of advice I'd offer, is don't make any crucial decisions while in meltdown mode. I know that is what meltdown mode says (make it stop, make it stop, make it stop) but get past that voice to a clear head and heart before doing anything life-changing.
You're correct on all accounts. As much as I've tried to be supportive and open minded, I don't know if I can ultimately handle a vee relationship. Furthermore, I've only recently (last night, in fact) finally felt the enormity of emotions about my wife cheating on me. In the past, I was upset at the OSO for her role in the cheating, but I gave my wife a pass because (1) she didn't understand her sexuality (that she was bi) at the time and (2) I love her, and it's easier to hate the mistress than one's spouse. But now I don't see it as any different than a common affair, just some of the genders may be different, and my wife wants her mistress to stay with us forever.
That's how I feel when I'm sad about all this... 'tho I'm feeling that way increasingly often nowadays.
As for me, I just want my wife all to myself, "mono-a-mono" so to speak.
Everything else -- a vee, an N (with me taking on an OSO of my own), divorce and re-marry, cheat on my wife, have a completely open relationship, etc. -- are in the "heap of bad choices", but those are the only choices I've got.
So I have to pick one. But before I'm comfortable doing that, I have to get over my "meltdown mode" and feel emotionally well rooted and stable. Until then, I'm letting it ride without making any big decisions.
If I can make the vee work for me (and for the OSO), then that's what I'd want to do. And I think I've made significant strides towards making it work. As the adage goes, "it feel so close, yet so far away". I think my remaining two hangups are:
- I get jealous when my wife spends time with her OSO during times that I consider to be our time together [my wife+me].
- I am hurt when the OSO is overly private or keeps secrets from me (even though I recognize they may be personal to her).
For example, the other day, the OSO was out of town and left my wife and I together at home. The OSO accidentally left some childhood pictures of herself at our house. I wanted to snuggle up with my wife and watch some TV together, but she kept texting with her OSO, had her on Skype, and was scanning her photos for her onto the computer. I felt hurt and neglected, particularly since I felt it should finally be our time together. But instead of complaining, I decided to try to make the best of it and get involved with the two of them... make scanning the photos more of a family activity. I asked if I could see the photos too. My wife asked her OSO (over Skype) if that's ok, and the OSO responded that she'd prefer I didn't see them. (And they were just simple childhood family photos... nothing that I would consider private.) That was like a dagger in my heart... that I was not only being neglected during our time together, but that I couldn't even share in this simple activity.
At the same time, I realize that the OSO is an incredibly private and shy person. And she's told me more private things about herself than she's told her best friends from childhood, so I'm flattered. But I'm also still hurt whenever I feel excluded, particularly on things that don't seem all that private.
On a separate note, I'm also hurt that my wife has such mono feelings about me finding an OSO of my own. She doesn't know if she could still be with me if I was ever with another woman. It makes me wonder:
- If having an OSO (like my wife has) is ok and wonderful, then why won't she [my wife] let me have an OSO as well?
- Or if having an OSO is wrong, then why does my wife have one?
It's not that I particularly even want an OSO at this time (maybe in the future, who knows?), but I want to have the same options that my wife chose for herself. When pressed, my wife will say it's ok, but there's a tremendous amount of restrictions, fear, and angst that comes along with that, and she always warns that she's still not sure if she'd be able to be intimate with me anymore if I ever had an OSO.
One final question on a more personal note. I vaguely remember the mention of kids. How are they doing with all this? I ask because we have two of our own and I'm curious to know how others handle that. Plus, I know that adds a lot of weight to the "decider" thing.
Yes, we have two children, ages 7 and 10. We have a wonderful, loving household. And they both absolutely adore the OSO. They don't know the relationship we all have, but we'll explain it to them when they're older, and I'm confident they'll be fine with it. Furthermore, they want the OSO to live with us forever and consider her part of our family.
I love this. But occasionally, I get brief flashbacks of the movie
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle.
Again, if we can make the vee work, then it could truly be wonderful. But if we need to divorce (because I can't handle the vee), then I'd be breaking up our family. It really sucks.
First, great job talking to your wife's OSO and getting a clear position from her. [...] I am [...] so glad to hear you are getting counseling. [...] You are all being loving, and honest, and raw with one another. You are communicating despite very difficult circumstances. I, for one, am damn impressed with what you've done. [...] Hang in there. You are amazing and encourage me every time I read your posts.
OMG, I don't know what I'd do if not for all the encouragement and support I've received from this group! You have all been wonderful, and I want to hug you all!