Should I stay or should I go?

minxx

New member
Hello everyone. I’ve come here in need of some support and advice as I have found myself in this world of polyamory suddenly and without a life vest. I’ve done a fair bit of research, including reading countless posts on here to help me understand what I’m experiencing, but of course every situation is different so I thought I’d reach out on my own for help. Excuse the long post.

So…I am a mono girl who just started dating a poly guy. From the very first meeting he was upfront about having a girlfriend (bisexual poly chick he’s been dating for 3 months) and I didn’t get up and run away (although now I’m kind of wishing I had.) Beyond talking about his poly situation, our first date consisted of us talking and getting along really well, which led to us continuing to hang out at his, which inevitably led us to being intimate. As the natural progression of things go, we continued seeing each other for about a month with us having a great time being together and never having any sort of dissonance unless certain poly things came into the conversation.

From the beginning, as I mentioned before, I knew he had a girlfriend and I was seemingly fine with it and understood/understand that he would spend time with her and be intimate with her and everything that comes with dating someone. I started to feel really uncomfortable with the situation when he started bringing up the fact that I would have to meet her. The topic would get brought up every date we would have and every time I found myself terribly uncomfortable with the idea of having to meet her and couldn’t understand why me not knowing and accepting of the fact that he has a girlfriend wasn’t good enough. (Knowing and accepting him having a girlfriend is a bit of a mind fuck for a mono as it is. I also have had a lot of bad experiences with guys cheating on their gfs with me.) He explained to me that this is a rule that him and his gf have established so as to make sure other people involved in the situation are fully aware of the ENTIRE situation and so that people like me can’t ignorantly pretend that they are in a mono relationship.

His girlfriend also apparently wants to meet me because she is having her own hard time with jealousy and intimidation, where I never felt any of that. I also came to the realization that part of why the idea of meeting her makes me feel bad is that I think that making her a more tangent part of my life will only make me feel jealous and intimidated……and I was right.

I need to backtrack a bit to make this understandable:

Last week, he had invited me to this party where his girlfriend would also be, so we could meet. I couldn’t make it because of other plans, so he then changed our upcoming planned 1 on 1 date to a 3 person date including his girlfriend. (He was more so asking if she could join.) I was annoyed because it felt like he was trying any way possible to fit her into our time together, just so we could meet.

Fast forward to the day of our supposed date and instead I asked to meet up with him so we could talk some things through because I was feeling very conflicted with everything. After talking for a bit, we somehow found ourselves breaking up which was really upsetting for both of us. Not 10 minutes later we decided to not break up because we genuinely enjoy being together and have no issues other than this one poly issue of meeting his gf. I ended of working my plans around being able to stop by this party even if for a half hour just so I could meet her so everything could keep moving forward. The next day (day of the party) he texted me saying that he didn’t think I should come because he didn’t have enough time to give his gf notice and was generally feeling bad about everything and thought it would be better for us to meet once everyone wasn’t so stressed. I was a little annoyed seeing as I had built myself up to meet her, but understood the situation and let it go.

Here’s where I connect the bit about me thinking that actually getting to know more about her would make me feel jealous and intimidated. The night of the party, I saw pictures he had posted on Facebook of her at the party being chummy with his brother (who I have come to know and like) and it really triggered something in me. I stupidly continued on to check out her facebook page to get a better feel for her and it made me feel absolutely awful. The bad feelings continued on into the next day, where I felt about 10 times worse and could only think about breaking it off with him. (I should mention that I have self diagnosed myself with Borderline Personality Disorder which means that I suffer from fear of abandonment and unstable emotions and ironically enough she is actually diagnosed with BPD.)

What hurt the most was seeing just how much in common they have and how comfortable she is with being poly and such and it made me feel very insecure with my relationship with him and started making me think thoughts such as “why would he choose to be with me when he could be with other great chicks who are more comfortable with polyamory?” etc.

Bring this to present day and I still feel very unsure about everything and it doesn’t help that I haven’t seen him in almost a week and we have no current plans to meet up anytime soon. I feel a bit neglected especially after seeing him post more photos/videos of his time with her and also knowing that he’s been with her at least twice within the last few days, where he hasn’t seen me at all and has made no plans to.

I’m very aware that I might be overthinking/overreacting to this (a result of BPD) but I can’t shake these bad feelings and am currently trying to decide if I should continue on with this relationship or just give up. I don’t want to stop dating him but I don’t know if it will be beneficial or damaging to my emotional health to keep diving deeper. I should note that I see a lot of the beneficial aspects to polyamory and have already come to love the open honesty and communication...just not sure if I can handle all of it.

This is where you come in. Do you think I should keep moving forward and make plans to meet her or just remove myself from the situation and more potential heartbreak?

Thanks for your support,

Confused and conflicted mono girl
 
Hi Minxx!

I am mono also, so I can relate to a bit of what you are going through. My suggestion is that you seriously consider whether or not this guy is worth the inevitable heartache and breakdown of ingrained mono boundaries that make you feel comfortable in relationships. I've been through it, and I'm not going to lie, it's a bitch! It is also very rewarding, and in my opinion opens your heart up to experience love on a deeper level. I wouldn't recommend continuing the relationship unless you consider this guy very special and worth the amount of personal change and uneasiness you will need to go through to get to the point of being happy.

If you decide he's one in a million, then here are a few pieces of advice:
1. It takes time, so don't be hard on yourself when you do experience jealousy. I've been with a poly for 10 years and I still get jealous. With experience, you'll learn to deal with it more effectively though.
2. Stop comparing. If you focus on keeping score on who he spends more time with, who he phones/texts more often you'll only drove yourself crazy. Ask for and schedule the time you need to be fulfilled in the relationship.
3. Treat the meeting with your metamour as a business meeting. Even though you wouldn't normally choose to spend an hour of your personal time together, the investment will help you achieve the results you're wanting. Keep an open mind to the type of relationship that can develop.
4. If, at any point, you feel like it's getting too hard, reassess whether or not he is worth the effort. Fact is there are more mono fish in the sea than there are poly. As many members of these boards have said, just because you love someone doesn't make you compatible.

Good luck to you!
 
I think unless you are curious to become poly yourself, the preferences and boundaries he and his gf chose don't have to be yours. If you can handle that he has someone else but don't wish to know them or meet, stick to your guns about it. They may have reasons for why they want meetings but it doesn't mean you're going to become whatever it is they're trying to avoid.
The point is, you're dating him not her. If she trusts him, she need not worry about you.
 
Hi LovelyLady! Thank you for your helpful words. Coming from a fellow mono, it felt like a virtual hug haha

I totally understand the whole "deciding if he's one in a million" bit but I should also mention that this relationship would be short term. I've been living in his home country for a year now and am going back home in 3 months. In my mind I have rationalized that this could be a good alternative because it will be like 'renting a boyfriend' and then once I go he won't have to feel as upset because he'll have his gf (he's well aware that I'm leaving in 3 months.)

Of course, in theory it seemed a lot less strenuous than reality has proved. So I guess I'm wondering if this being so short term is worth all this effort or on the flip side, is there being a time limit to this relationship a good reason for me to try to experience poly and if by the end of it I feel strongly against it, I have my out?

------------------------------------------------

Hi vinccenzo,

I feel the same way about me dating him and not her but he views it as me basically also dating her because all of our actions and decisions affect each other. Also, not meeting her is a deal breaker for him so either I choose to do it or end the relationship.
 
Just for your own self awareness....

This standard you have to conform to and relationship style you're not sure is for you means much compromise out of you and only you. It can lend to a feeling like he is a prize to win. YOU are a prize too, okay? Don't forget it.
 
Hi minxx,

I'll vote to keep seeing him, but on the condition that you assert yourself and let him know of your wants and needs. If you feel neglected and need him to see you more often, tell him so in no uncertain terms.

If I may add another bit of advice, it would be to not decide how you feel about poly based on three months' experience with one particular poly couple. Everyone is different and that goes for poly people as well. You could have a terrible poly experience with this guy, then have a great poly experience with some other guy later. You never know.

I would just meet with his girlfriend as soon as possible and get that over with. Don't make it anything big. Meet for tea or coffee or something, and no need to make it more than a 20 or 30-minute visit unless you and she hit it off amazingly well.

If you have jealousy, figure out if it is because you have a need that's not being met, or if you're worried about being dumped, or what. There's all kinds of reasons why you can feel jealous and often it is your emotional self's way of giving you due notice of a legitimate problem. Other times it's just something you have to work through. Emotional weather. You have to decide which it is whenever the jealousy hits.

If it gets too aggravating for you, you can still call it quits with this guy ahead of time. You don't have to ride out the whole three months.

Good luck and I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello there!

I just wanted to chime in because I remember those feelings, oh so well, and I feel your pain girl. Really, I do. I think that people have given you awesome advise on how to deal with the awkward situation of meeting his gf, if you truly don't want to. Keep it short and sweet, be cordial, and then get out. It's important to remember that you can also negotiate rules and agreements with him. In this particular situation, and for me, that may look like, "I will meet with her for 30 minutes over coffee, because I hear you saying that it is important to you and this is the reason that I'm agreeing to do it. I would prefer that this happens without you present (I just really wouldn't want to get into awkward territory of watching them touch, if just seeing her is an issue), and then after that I do not want contact with her, unless that contact/interaction has been discussed and agreed upon beforehand."

That's just a starting point, and you two would probably end up somewhere closer to the middle, but that what it means (at least to me) when people tell you to communicate your needs. If it feels more comfortable for you to not be in contact with her without a heads up first, say that. If it feels good to not be in contact at all after that initial meeting, say that. He won't know unless you tell him, love.

Bring this to present day and I still feel very unsure about everything and it doesn’t help that I haven’t seen him in almost a week and we have no current plans to meet up anytime soon. I feel a bit neglected especially after seeing him post more photos/videos of his time with her and also knowing that he’s been with her at least twice within the last few days, where he hasn't seen me at all and has made no plans to.

Tell him this--immediately. Copy and paste it into an email if you need to. Feeling neglected is the absolute woooorst (at least to me). I hate it, I hate it in all of my relationships (parents, friends, lovers--don't fucking ignore me). If it feels better for you to make plans with him so that you have something to look forward to (my ace in the hole) then do it. Or, if you just need a check-in once a day to know that he hasn't forgotten about you (*shrug* it happens) then communicate that. Figure out your needs and then let. him. know. I go crazy when I'm inside my own head for too long without an appropriate outlet and that sounds like what's happening to you.

Here’s where I connect the bit about me thinking that actually getting to know more about her would make me feel jealous and intimidated. The night of the party, I saw pictures he had posted on Facebook of her at the party being chummy with his brother (who I have come to know and like) and it really triggered something in me. I stupidly continued on to check out her facebook page to get a better feel for her and it made me feel absolutely awful. The bad feelings continued on into the next day, where I felt about 10 times worse and could only think about breaking it off with him. (I should mention that I have self diagnosed myself with Borderline Personality Disorder which means that I suffer from fear of abandonment and unstable emotions and ironically enough she is actually diagnosed with BPD.)

What hurt the most was seeing just how much in common they have and how comfortable she is with being poly and such and it made me feel very insecure with my relationship with him and started making me think thoughts such as “why would he choose to be with me when he could be with other great chicks who are more comfortable with polyamory?” etc.

This made me smile--I went through the exact same thing the second time that I met my metamour (my partner's wife). We'd all gone to dinner before he and I went on a solo date to a club. I sent her an email about very potent feelings of jealousy that I experience at dinner and this is what she sent back:

In The Ethical Slut Dossie and Janet talk about the difference between jealousy and envy. That's something that has really helped me out in these situations. As you were sitting there in the restaurant, was it the fact that he was sharing intimacy with me that felt hard for you, it was it that you were feeling upset because you wanted to be the one he was giving that attention to? If it's the latter, we are all good! Of course you want him to pay that kind of attention to you. I get that. I've been there. It might help you to remember that in situations like our dinner out that some of the touch and intimacy he was sharing with me was very specifically to help me feel comfortable and secure - both because we want that for each other and because if I felt happy and secure at dinner I'm way more likely to also feel happy and secure about the two of you heading off to a kinky date at the club.

That helped me tons. It still helps me. Not everything is about the way that I feel--sometimes things happen (your bf shifts plans that he had with you b/c something has come up for her and she *needs* (the only time that's acceptable is when it's a need) and he needs to step in. If I feel like I can handle that then it's totally cool with me, because I'd expect the same from her in reverse. Sometimes it really helps to get to the root of the agreements and rule that you encounter, as they come up. For me at least, when I can understand the context, or the reason that an agreement exists or why something felt difficult for my metamour to process, I find that it's much easier for me to be emphatic and supportive of both of them.

...well that was a lot lol. I hope that some of that helps.
 
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I'm mono and I have loved everyone's advice so far. The only thing I would add is about the "leaving in three months". I personally would not want to get too close to someone and vice versa if I knew I was leaving and the relationship was going to have to become long distance. Having another person in his life is great but he still going to miss YOU! So I am thinking that won't lessen the pain of separation much, if at all for him....I am assuming he knows you are leaving?
 
You seem to want to keep dating him. They have this agreement. He can request you help him meet his previous agreements.

You can say no. Nobody can make you. Then deal with whatever comes next.

Or you can negotiate it to a size you can handle. Because there could be bennies for you too.

You get same validation he is not a cheater. You had problems with that in the past so maybe you would like that affirmation for yourself?

You get to grow your confidence in dealing with others and your emotions.

I do not understand why the first meet was planned to be at a party with so many other eyes. Sounds awkward! Ditto making a three people date that lasts two or three hours. Where is your voice or preference in that?

It cannot be a five min Skype call to validate you are aware of her? Does that not meet the agreement?

"Hi. It is me. Yes. Our shared bf has told me and I am fully aware this is a V style polyship. He is the hinge shared sweetie person. You and I are the arms if the V. I just wanted to validate that. Have a nice day!"

Way shorter time that it took to write the original post. If you are thinking about helping him meet this agreement, negotiate for size you can deal in.

That would be my suggestion. If there is more to discuss later, do it later. Fifteen min coffee date. Baby steps.

If looking at his social media triggers you, unhook from it. Reduce your stress.

You have your out. 3 mos is very short if you want to try on this style of relating for a short while with these people.

But only you can determine if that is indeed what you want.

Galagirl
 
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Ahhh thank you all so so so much! I feel so overwhelmed by support from everyone (in a great way) and have read and taken in everyone's advice. All points were valid and helpful and meant a lot to me.

As an update to the situation, boy and I hung out 1 on 1 last night/today and discussed all of these issues/insecurities and he apologized for the way he had been going about having her and I meet. He realized that he had been pressuring me too much when I might've not been ready and totally understands why I felt so stressed about it and essentially powerless in the situation because everything about these proposed meetings were on his/their terms and that's obviously not fair to me. He also realized that being accepting of the poly situation and meeting her are not one in the same and made it known that I get to choose when I want to meet her when I'm feeling more up to it.

It's been a great turn out and we're both really happy to have cleared the air and to continue forward with our relationship :)

I still feel a twinge of jealousy, especially today when I knew that he was hanging out with her right after I was leaving, but I worked through those feelings and feel totally fine now. I think these moments will just be a work in progress and I'm looking forward to becoming better at coping with and expressing my emotions.

As far as the 3 month time limit goes, we both just see it as a blessing and a curse and honestly, who knows what the future holds for either of us, so why not give it our best shot and see where it goes?

I've also made the decision to keep dating other guys, just to have my attention needs met and also so that I don't consume my crazy mind with him all the time. I think if we continue on this way, all will be well, for the most part, and I know with constant communication and open honesty, this could be a great relationship.

Thank you all again for your kind words and thoughtful advice! I am beyond grateful <3
 
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