Camping trip without me

truleo790

New member
I am currently in a relationship with a man who also has a girlfriend out of town. They normally visit each other once a month. Since I am monogamous, the struggle has definitely been real. But I am to the point where it's not so bad. I don't get as hurt if he is unable to see me after he sees her.

I have never met the girlfriend. We have exchanged messages, but other than that, she is this mystery to me. I haven't seen her and my boyfriend doesn't want us to meet until he meets this girls other two significant others. It doesn't really bother me, other than the fact that in my head I am thinking of this model, because that is how he describes her.

I see him basically every weekend. I am very thankful for that. But he has this camping trip coming up with her and I guess I am worried that he would forget about me or have second thoughts about me. He said he wouldn't, but I just don't know. He says he loves her. He hasn't told me he loves me, but then we have been going out for almost 5 months now. I am scared that this trip will break us. He will be gone for over a week, two weekends, and I won't have any real means of getting a text message since reception would suck.

I guess I want to ask if these thoughts are normal? Should I stop overthinking this? Will everything be ok?
 
Yes, it does seem to me that you are overthinking things. It also sounds like you don't have enough other things, activities, friends, etc., in your life that bring you fulfillment and fun, so you are making him a huge focus. In reality (and whether it's a poly or mono situation), at just 5 months, it's still too new of a relationship to be so needy and clingy that his being unavailable for just two weekends in a row would have you so off-center and spin you into such upset. Time to breathe and remind yourself of your self-worth, whether you are in a relationship or not.
 
Yes, it does seem to me that you are overthinking things. It also sounds like you don't have enough other things, activities, friends, etc., in your life that bring you fulfillment and fun, so you are making him a huge focus. In reality (and whether it's a poly or mono situation), at just 5 months, it's still too new of a relationship to be so needy and clingy that his being unavailable for just two weekends in a row would have you so off-center and spin you into such upset. Time to breathe and remind yourself of your self-worth, whether you are in a relationship or not.

Thank you for responding. I know it does sound like on the post I have nothing else going on, but I am busy with classes that week and also will most likely be going to a party with friends.

To give myself a little bit of depth, this is actually my first real relationship. Like ever. So I just don't want to do anything wrong. Now that we have officially bypassed honeymoon phase, I have been better in not having him be my focus. It's just that I still had some means of contacting him. We have spent weekends without each other before. But not even hearing from him is just uncomfortable to me.
 
We have spent weekends without each other before. But not even hearing from him is just uncomfortable to me.
Well, it might be a good idea to drill down a little deeper and ask yourself why you find the prospect of not hearing from him for only about 10 days uncomfortable. If insecurity is at the root of your discomfort, what can you do to change that?
 
Hi truleo790,

Alas there are no guarantees in life, nor in love. So I can't promise you that everything will be okay. However, you have to remember that in polyamory, it's not a "one person or the other" type of thing, it's a "both people" type of thing. So, no matter how much he likes (and loves) this girlfriend you speak of, you can still have considerable hope that he likes (and loves) you just as much. Everyone is unique and you have your own unique qualities that you bring to the table. You aren't replaceable.

Maybe this camping trip will be like an emotional workout for you and will actually help you get stronger. More confident. Anyway that's another way to look at it.

I hope you'll let us know how it turns out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This would bother me, too. Is there no way to contact you at all? Phone? Internet? Send postcards?

I have dated my husband 11 years, he thinks being away from me 2 weeks is hard (he is used to about a week apart).

Nobody forgets people they care about just because of a little absence. Can you plan something special when he gets back, just for the two of you?
 
I am definitely clingy and need not just contact, but physical contact more often. So your regular setup sounds torturous to me! Anyway, I think you should plan something exciting for you to do when he returns, so you feel special. I would definitely see if you can get him to call you at some point while he is camping, if you need that contact. Maybe he can plan a hike up a mountain. :)
 
I don't know. I can be something of a cynic. It sounds to me like he's playing power games with you.

He's told you that he told her that he loves her? And yet he hasn't told you that he loves you (yet)?

He wants to meet her other lovers before you get to meet his?

He gives you the impression that she looks like a model? (And I'd guess that you don't?)

Alarm signals are going off all over! He knows that you're insecure in this relationship and he tells you exactly the kind of things that would make you feel even more insecure?

NONE of this is stuff that he NEEDS to tell you. (Unless he needs your feeling insecure.)

You don't deserve this. Tell him to treat you with a LOT more sensitivity. Or - if he won't - walk away. Before he really hurts you.

That camping trip should be the least of your worries. Believe me.
 
Dear truleo790

I used to have a massive inferiority complex. People took advantage of that to make me feel even less lovable. Anybody who does this has serious problems of their own. Strong, healthy people don't need to peck at "weaker" people.

You deserve Love. You deserve to be treated well. You've got to believe that. I believe it, and I don't even know you.

It's true that if you were perfectly balanced, you wouldn't be suffering because of 10 days apart from your BF :eek:. But it really seems to me like it's he that's trying to throw you off balance :mad::mad::mad:.

Love yourself. Enough not to take shit. From ANYBODY. :):):):)

All the best. That's what you deserve.
MFFR

p.s. Please find shy hug attached.
 
More pieces of advice:
Get used to getting less and less... and less.
Get used to his talking about how wonderful she is.
Get used to being compared unfavourably with her.
Get used to his spending more and more time with her, less and less time with you.
Get yourself a jacket with a picture of a doormat on the back. One of those doormats with the message: "Please wipe your feet". (I used to have one. I drew it myself. This was at that stage when I could begin to laugh at my own inferiority complex.)

Of course, all of this is incompatible with my earlier 2 posts.

The choice is yours.
MFFR

p.s. I'm sorry that this had to happen on your first go at finding "true" love.
 
Thank you everyone

I would like to say that I am very happy that I have received responses in mixed views. It makes me feel like I am not some crazy monogamous person. It's hard doing this. He tells me that if I wanted, I could date other men. But I just can't do it. I have thought about it, but the idea doesn't do anything for me. :confused:
 
Wow, you have a lot going on! First real relationship, see him every weekend, he sees some other gf once a month (you didn't say if he's been seeing her for a month or 5 years?)

I think in light of this being your "first real relationship, ever" I wouldn't worry too much. Enjoy it. If you're not enjoying it, consider ending it (no need for all of the self-victimization and paranoia I see in some of the "advice"; it's pretty simple: if you are feeling crappy all the time, change your situation.).

I think for a bf you see 4X a month (and maybe only once or twice on months that he is off on camping trips) perhaps you are investing a lot of thought and therefore, stress. This is totally understandable for both a new relationship and your first relationship but you have an opportunity here to be very balanced and not have your bf be the be-all and end-all focus of your life.

Every weekend is 2/7 or less than 30% of your week. If you are spending your free time thinking about your bf and what he is doing in HIS free time, IMHO you are wasting your free time. Especially if your thought process is some sort of self-torture, which is what it seems to be.

If you like/love this guy, can you enjoy him when you are with him and enjoy the rest of your life when you are not?

PS If you want to meet this other gf and she wants to meet you, I don't think whether HE wants you two to meet really comes into the equation. You don't control him, he doesn't control you, he doesn't control her. (or does he?)
 
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