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I've been struggling with an ethical question:
When should an ethical secondary (ES) check in with a casual partner's (CP) significant other (SO), particularly to confirm that CP and SO are actually poly ?
(i.e. verifying that SO is generally okay with the situation and CP isn't cheating).
Having been poly for 15 years, I've seen
a few patterns for The Poly CheckIn:
No checkin (don't care) - CP's relationship status is irrelevant
No checkin (trust) - ES assumes CP is not lying/cheating, or it's not ES's problem
When suspicious - if something seems amiss, verify
When expected - as required by any agreements ES or CP have
After a time - after a few dates, ES should offer to check in
Periodically - every week/month/year ES should check in with CP
Before any intimacy- assume CP is cheating and off limits until a checkin happens.
Before meeting - talk to SO at or before even a platonic date with CP
For background, I'm operating under these (and probably other ) assumptions :
a) it is not ethical to knowingly date someone who's breaking commitments with their primary to do so. (ie. not actually in an open relationship).
b) if there is no way to confirm someone might be cheating, it's probably best not to get involved. (i.e. an extreme DADT where SO will not talk to, email or meet ES under any circumstances)
One can get very picky about the exact meaning of what it means to be cheating/lying/breaking-commitments, not to mention what it would mean to effectively verify someone's relationship status, but I think general idea is clear...
Your thoughts?
When should an ethical secondary (ES) check in with a casual partner's (CP) significant other (SO), particularly to confirm that CP and SO are actually poly ?
(i.e. verifying that SO is generally okay with the situation and CP isn't cheating).
Having been poly for 15 years, I've seen
a few patterns for The Poly CheckIn:
No checkin (don't care) - CP's relationship status is irrelevant
No checkin (trust) - ES assumes CP is not lying/cheating, or it's not ES's problem
When suspicious - if something seems amiss, verify
When expected - as required by any agreements ES or CP have
After a time - after a few dates, ES should offer to check in
Periodically - every week/month/year ES should check in with CP
Before any intimacy- assume CP is cheating and off limits until a checkin happens.
Before meeting - talk to SO at or before even a platonic date with CP
For background, I'm operating under these (and probably other ) assumptions :
a) it is not ethical to knowingly date someone who's breaking commitments with their primary to do so. (ie. not actually in an open relationship).
b) if there is no way to confirm someone might be cheating, it's probably best not to get involved. (i.e. an extreme DADT where SO will not talk to, email or meet ES under any circumstances)
One can get very picky about the exact meaning of what it means to be cheating/lying/breaking-commitments, not to mention what it would mean to effectively verify someone's relationship status, but I think general idea is clear...
Your thoughts?
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