Time will tell.

malsjoh

New member
Well I originally came to this site to complain of my current situation. But in doing so I realized through the advice I found here and elsewhere that I already knew what needed to be done.

I see so many hurting on here in ways I was too, some I have since come to terms with. Much if my distress was manufactured by me and the rest was normal to what is happening.

I had allowed my wife a girlfriend, not knowing that it would become more than friends for them. Over the course of the first month they fell for eachother so deeply I found myself uncomfortable with it, not the relationship but realizing my wife now loved me and her GF. It really screwed me up on numerous fronts and I made some mistakes in judgement. The biggest were expecting her to be psychic and pulling away from her.

I have began to make changes to my actions. I have also gone from wanting to be alienated from the situation with her GF to opening the door to friendship with her. In doing so I saw that both GF and I are very similar in regards to my beautiful wife. There were a couple events the past weekend that started a bond between us that opened the door to not being awkward about the way things are.

I am posting this because I want to say from this experience that the advice I have seen about partners in I guess a V triad(Me-Wife-GF not all together) that there needs to be a togetherness of all parties involved to make it work is good. It doesn't mean all issues will be easy just that we all must make it work. Otherwise my wife will play monkey in the middle and grow weary of most likely both of us.

I am hoping for the best here and that myself and GF will gain understanding of one another and use that to help all of us out.

It is not what I would have chosen to have happen and I am accepting of my part in all of this. That was where I was struggling was finding acceptance that I was OK to be jealous and worried, OK to have doubts. But also that it was not OK to be upset because I was starting to find myself caring about this other person who had smitten my wife. It was very much a relief to decide to work with the situation and not shut down because of it and my perceptions.
 
Hi malsjoh,

Glad to hear things are starting to go more smoothly in your V. It's not required for the legs of the V to be friends, but in some cases it can help.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It has helped. I want friendship with this person otherwise I feel I may grow to resent her the longer her and my wife stay together. The way things are going it seems that the relationship will continue to grow.

It is really the best option for me I believe. She is actually pretty cool and we are very similar types of people and it has been good getting to know her.

If they eventually break up I think but it will be time to just put other people to bed for a while. If they don't I will do my best to continue doing my part in making it all work for as long as I can.
 
Sounds like you have a good frame of mind about it.
 
It's handy to have access to a good attitude. But, as in any "basic" two-person dyadic relationship, some days are better than others.

Early in our relationship, my SO & I had an explicit agreement: we don't have to be buddy-buddy with the others (e.g., sex partners, lovers, cuddle-buddies, whatever) but, for the sake of the one stuck in the middle, we'd work to at least be civil.

However, malsjoh, it might not be so easy to "put the 'other people' thing to rest". The door's been opened, & now it's a feasible option (for both of you, of course). Let's say your wife's relationship matures, but she realizes it's not quite a perfect fit, they part amicably, & now that your SO has a better idea of what she's looking for, she winds up transitioning to a new girlfriend.

For here-&-now, let's consider some of your word-choices. What is it about your SO's vee that you feel YOU are doing "to make it all work"? Do you feel that she's not doing a proper share of the heavy lifting?
 
malsjoh,
For here-&-now, let's consider some of your word-choices. What is it about your SO's vee that you feel YOU are doing "to make it all work"? Do you feel that she's not doing a proper share of the heavy lifting?[/QUOTE]

To make it all work I am having to be part of something I am not okay with. Was basically told that not being OK is pushing my wife away from me. So basically I'm on it get better about it or we might be over in the end if I don't. Makes me even less excited to be a part of what's going on.

I thought I could be okay with it when I okayed my wife to find a girlfriend under the assumption and agreement it would not be what it is. When I became uncomfortable with how it is my wife's response was anger and accusations that I didn't want her to explore. So now I am in a place where I have to shove stuff down inside which is doing no good for me or potentially lose my wife.
 
That doesn't sound so good. Sounds like your wife is saying, "My way or the highway." :mad:
 
I think your wife as a healthy partner is already lost to you because she isn't behaving like a loving, kind, or considerate partner. It's basically do stuff her way or leave.

So you might be better off with leaving rather than staying and going along with something you do not want just to remain in her (unloving, unkind, and inconsiderate) orbit.

It's painful to experience, but it seems pretty straightforward. She's just not treating you in loving ways and its not looking to change any. :(

Galagirl
 
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If you asked her she would say that I am being nit picky about the whole thing.

I am sorry I get upset when simple things I have asked for like communication and some minor things also are being forgotten or still need more time to make changes. I guess 2 months now for almost everything except sending secret text messages to each other when they need privacy go somewhere private instead. Those 2 are the only ones being followed, with the exception of yesterday on having the private time outside of the garage.

I mean I only asked a few things, the 2 above.

Also for her to make sure we communicate her plans for seeing GF, like when, where, how long she planned on being away. We have 3 kids and I need to know what to do around what she is doing, made sense to me.

I asked for her to please pay attention to me when GF is around. My anxiety makes me struggle to reach out to her when GF is here. I only get this if I initiate most of it.

Another is if I seem upset she can ask if I am OK but if I am not willing to talk at the moment then she needs to let me have time so I don't say something stupid out of poor processing.

And the last was that on nights GF is here that she leave by 10:30-10:45. 6:30am is wake-up time at our house and GF aside I like my time with my wife. GF is here 3 nights a week and wife goes to her 1 night and stays most of the next day.

So I decided that I would just let all of the agreements go. Our talk yielded her being more upset and again saying that I am being nit picky. I told her that she needs to decide what where and when if she wants any agreement.
I told her as gently as I could that I hate feeling the way I do when she goes off to GF and I don't want to keep being upset over in her eyes minor incursions on the agreements we have made. I told her that since the get go my boundaries I have drawn keep getting pushed back because I am afraid that I am going to lose her through either her growing tired of me being terribly upset over this at least once a week. Never mind that I feel like dying on those days when my whole life seems to be falling apart.

I basically put the ball in her court that she needs to figure exactly what she wants and we will go from there. I am done expecting that my boundaries are worth something because it makes me question how much truth there is to her saying I am most important. I want her to decide what is important to her in regard to all 3 of us. We are all losing right now.
 
I don't think you are being nitpicky. These sound like reasonable requests to me. Especially when there's childcare to be dealing with.

Wife admits she makes "incursions." So she's basically admitting she is not keeping the agreements she has made with you. So why's she getting upset at you when SHE falls down on the job? You are supposed to just turn a blind eye?

I basically put the ball in her court that she needs to figure exactly what she wants and we will go from there. I am done expecting that my boundaries are worth something because it makes me question how much truth there is to her saying I am most important. I want her to decide what is important to her in regard to all 3 of us. We are all losing right now.

I wonder why YOU are not deciding what is important for YOU? :confused:

Boundaries are something you set for yourself. This is how you want to be treated. When someone does not respect it? You have consequences for YOU to do. Not them. You also don't just give up having any boundaries at all.

If I borrow your car and agree to treat it well and return it with a full tank of gas? And instead I crash it and leave it wherever? The consequence that YOU can do is stop lending me your car in future. I am not trustworthy with your car. Maybe you also stop hanging around with me. The consequence isn't you stop having any boundaries about your car at all.

Your boundaries are important to YOU. If she's not respecting your boundaries (actions) while saying that you are the most important (talk)? When the talk and actions do not match? Could believe the actions. Talk with no actions to back it up is just hot air.

It seems (her getting to do whatever she wants whenever she wants without you saying anything) is most important to her in this relationship. It's a one way street.

Is that what is most important to YOU? Or would you like some accountability? Be able to believe her at her Word? Have some follow through? Do you want a two way street relationship?

I am afraid that I am going to lose her through either her growing tired of me being terribly upset over this at least once a week.

I wonder if you find it weird this is "backwards."

She makes agreements. She breaks them at least once a week. You tell her this habit irritates you.

  • She's not worried about YOU getting fed up with this behavior and leaving?
  • She's not worried about losing YOU because of HER poor behavior?

Galagirl
 
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I wonder why YOU are not deciding what is important for YOU? :confused:

Me:
I don't know why other than I am done with having what I have asked for bent or ignored.


I wonder if you find it weird this is "backwards."

She makes agreements. She breaks them at least once a week. You tell her this habit irritates you.

  • She's not worried about YOU getting fed up with this behavior and leaving?
    Me:
    I think she is, but I think her love for GF is preventing her from saying so.
  • She's not worried about losing YOU because of HER poor behavior?
    Me:
    No she says that my being nit picky is the problem. And that she is miserable because I am. She doesn't want to hurt anyone and I believe this. The problem with that is I will let her walk all over me because I don't know anything but her and would do anything for her. Even if it means I keep getting hurt.

Galagirl

I guess I am my own enemy here.
 
If she doesn't want to hurt anyone? You could ask her if she plans to step it up on her agreement keeping so there's nothing to "nitpick."

I don't think you holding her accountable to her agreements is "nitpicking." You are right to expect agreements to be kept. If she doesn't want to be held accountable she could not make the agreement in the first place.

The problem with that is I will let her walk all over me because I don't know anything but her and would do anything for her. Even if it means I keep getting hurt.

Then you choose to get hurt because you prefer familiar hurt over unfamiliar change. Even if change might be better for your well being in the long run.

You are much too selfless.

I'm sorry you do not put your well being first. Not like being selfish, but like in an airplane crash where you put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help other people. That's being self-full.

  • Selfless = themthemthem! Make it all about them! Ignore my own needs.
  • Selfish = memememe! Make it all about me! Ignore other people's needs.
  • Self full = I meet my own needs first so I don't spread myself too thin or burn out. Then I can gift my help to others. I can gladly help others in meeting their rational and reasonable needs from a full tank of gas.

You are not doing well there. :(

You seem to recognize that. So I hope in time you become less willing to subsume yourself to the relationship. And you become more willing to make positive changes for your well-being so you can feel better.

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl I wish I could disagree with you but it is the truth. I am overly selfess more often than not. I'd give a stranger the shirt off my back.

I don't like change at least not quick and drastic change.

I know I need to learn to love myself but I don't know how, I have struggled with that since I was 16-17 years old. I'm nearing 20 years on trying to figure that out.
 
Hi malsjoh,

Can you tell us why you want to stay in your marriage? I don't mean to give you a bad time, I am just wondering if there are some positives here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
To me feelings ensue after behavior. Behavior comes first. If you want to end up at "I love myself" as a feeling outcome? Then you have to start doing behaviors that support that outcome. Then wait for the feelings to catch up and match/reflect the new behaviors.

I know I need to learn to love myself but I don't know how, I have struggled with that since I was 16-17 years old. I'm nearing 20 years on trying to figure that out.

You could frame that in terms of behavior. Like....

"I need to treat myself in loving, self-respecting ways."​

That's the mission.

The first step is identifying behaviors you currently do.

The second is evaluating them to see if they support the mission. You can evaluate the behavior you are doing or thinking about doing. Like....

  • "When I do _____, is that treating myself in loving, self-respecting ways? Or is that treating me in unloving, self-neglecting/self-abusing ways?"

  • "When I thinking about doing ______, is that treating myself in loving, self-respecting ways? Or is that treating me in unloving, self-neglecting/self-abusing ways?"

The third step is to keep doing the ones that support the mission and stop/change the behavior if it does NOT support the mission.

Feelings come after that, and hopefully they end up with you feeling better.

Again, I hope in time you become less willing to subsume yourself to the relationship. And you become more willing to make positive changes for your well-being so you can feel better.

If you were going to make some small changes you might be willing to take on at this time or in the near future, what might those be?

Galagirl
 
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