NRE feels different this time

metandwessy

New member
I've read so many articles about how to handle NRE. How to wait for it to pass and to keep maintaining your current partnerships. I've seen it come and go in the past but this time feels different. I think I've been doing a pretty good job of it but I'm still struggling and I don't know if I'm thinking rationally or if I'm still just colored by NRE.

Quick summary of all involved. I've been with my nesting partner T for 4 years. We live together, have talked about having kids together and are best friends. Our relationship has finally come to a place in the last year that feels so effortless and cool. We communicate beautifully, support each other's interests and growth, rarely have jealousy arise and if we do, we have learned to help each other through it at lightning speed. I really don't want to lose him because I have no complaints and I do feel truly happy and supported and loved. But I've fallen hard for someone new and I'm having all sorts of crazy thoughts.

My newest partner A has been dating R for about the same amount of time and they live together and have talked about marriage and kids and all that too. The four of us have been friends for nearly the length of our relationships (3.5 yrs). A and I have always had a friendship but unexpectedly, about 6 months ago, it turned romantic. And it was like textbook NRE, super passionate, super comfortable, we communicate effortlessly and have an intuitive understanding of each other. He's similar to T in all the good ways and he is different than T in so many good ways too. I could truly see a long term partnership with A and we've even talked about this. So that's all great except..

I feel like I'm having impure thoughts of running away with A and either him leaving R and me leaving T or at least both of us transitioning those relationships to be more secondary (just in living arrangements or time spent etc). More and more, it just seems that A and I are better matched than both me and T and A and R. My concern is, is this just NRE making me have thoughts like this or is it real? I feel guilty because i feel like i'm hiding something from all involved and even betraying both T and R -who is one of my best girl friends. A and I haven't explicitly talked about this but as crazy as it sounds, i feel like we are both intuiting this in each other and we've hinted at scenarios like that but we are both wanting to be careful and ethical and respectful and all that. Also i feel like both of us are scared to say it.

Is this just common and will pass? Should i bring it up to A or T or R? And if so, who first? I'm worried that talking about it will hurt/scare T and R. and I'm scared that maybe talking about it will make it true which sounds dramatic and like a lot of work to uproot our lives. Part of me is hoping it's just irrational NRE-type thoughts or old remnants of monogamous conditioning or something but part of me wants it to be real because I'm so in love and feel like so much of this is based on a real rational assessment of our compatibility and future together. What are your thoughts? Is NRE always something that passes or is it a catalyst to changes that can and should happen? How to know which is which?!?
 
It's NRE! I get twinges from time to time with all 3 of my partners - that all of a sudden one of them will just feel like THE ONE and why am I messing with poly when it is clear we are soulmates? It then passes quickly - usually because I then have a super awesome amazeballs encounter with someone else and they are most definitely super cool and some kind of wonderful. So, yeah, don't do anything crazy. :) Each of your partners is great, as you've said, but it's just that this new relationship is firing chemicals off in your brain right now.
 
I think that it is generally a mistake to make big life decisions while under the influence of strong emotions. (Positive or negative ones!)

That said, I definitely have struggled a bit with the whole...suddenly I feel big things and I feel like I should...DO SOMETHING...shuffle the order of things, change stuff up to align with what I'm feeling in some way...

But I've come to realize that it is not necessary, prudent, or even healthy to do any such thing. And because I am poly (thank goodness) I am not required to. The pressure I feel, it's a remnant of social conditioning. But it feels sometimes like if some part of my brain is utterly convinced that there is a crisis, like "You've left the stove on." and I get moments of anxiety and then have to consciously say, "No, no I didn't...everything is fine...relax." Only it's more like "OMG big feels, you should DO something!" followed by "No, stop it, everything is fine, quit freaking out over nothing. There's nothing to freak out about."

This can manifest as anxiety over whether I'm...polying properly?...to anxiety over what I can give the subject of my emotions in the future to keep him wanting to be in my life...to just fear and longing and vulnerability. I just keep having to remind myself that nothing has REALLY changed, and everything is REALLY fine.
 
Should i bring it up to A or T or R?
NRE is a drug experience. Would you ask us about whether you should drive a car after six cocktails in one hour? or whether tripping on mescaline meant you shouldn't max out your credit cards & fly to Ibiza for two weeks with a guy you met at the bar because he has a perfact aura?

If you start telling anyone about your hallucinations, they may understand that you're wacky but still feel hurt, & subsequently less certain of their place in your life. Or they may believe you to be entirely unimpaired, & working toward a rational decision to dump them, & subsequently less certain etc.

Dealing with the post-hallucination relationship -- Polly Young-Eisendrath, You're Not What I Expected: Love After the Romance Has Ended

Perhaps you feel the need for a learning experience. In that case, you could immediately break up with T & move out, then meet with A & tell him why he should dump R, leading off with how you'd already got T out of the picture & you expect reciprocity.

:eek:
 
Hi metandwessy,

Maybe the thing to do is to move in baby steps, rather than one gigantic leap. You could talk a little about your feelings for A, maybe even date A a little, without running off with him. And what about the idea of working towards equal relationships, rather than having T and R become secondaries? All of this should develop slowly of course, so that you have a chance to back off if you find that's the thing to do.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
And yet.....

Sometimes you really do meet someone who changes your world forever. You immediately feel the presence and the potential of this great love and your soul responds to the call of the ages. Doesn't mean necessarily that you will give everything and everyone up to run away together, but sometimes a person comes into your life who will profoundly and irrevocably change everything for the better. Sometimes it takes a while to sense, but sometimes you can feel the shift right away.





....I'm having impure thoughts of running away with A and either him leaving R and me leaving T or at least both of us transitioning those relationships to be more secondary (just in living arrangements or time spent etc). More and more, it just seems that A and I are better matched than both me and T and A and R. My concern is, is this just NRE making me have thoughts like this or is it real? I feel guilty because i feel like i'm hiding something from all involved and even betraying both T and R -who is one of my best girl friends.
I encourage you to take a look at what you (albeit jokingly) call impure thoughts. This isn't about figuring out whether this is "just NRE" or whether this is "real." It can be either one, depending on what you make of the relationship. Your feelings of impurity, (again, said in jest but with a hint of how you truly feel,) guilt and shame all point to a pretty active story you've got going on about what this relationships means to you and that it's "wrong" of you to have the thoughts that you do. You can change that story and if you do, the way things play out will change as well. But right now, you're telling yourself that your strong feelings of preference for A are wrong. Any time that we see our feelings about someone as "wrong" means that we've got a good bit of internal work to do before things with the person can fall into place peacefully. You have a lot of influence over how all of this progresses and your first step (if you want things to progress in a beneficial way for everyone) is to find ways to make peace in yourself regarding the feelings and thoughts that you're having about A. You can't look to others to give you this peace. You must find it within yourself and only then will you see it reflected in the people and the relationships around you. This is how you create a harmonious personal life, no matter how many people are involved.
 
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I love what FallenAngelina wrote. Also wanted to say that it's natural to have fantasies like this, but I don't recommend telling your partner and metamour about those thoughts. It will only cause hurt and create drama. You're simply experiencing the heady elixir of hormones and brain chemistry. Keep your feet on the ground and don't let yourself get lost in your fantasies.
 
metandwessy, here's another way to consider your situation --

Are you willing to wait a year?

Mark the date at which you first were overwhelmed by the desire to run off with A. Make plans to do so at the one-year anniversary.

My feeling is that it won't seem like a great idea anymore. And (humans being as we are) I figure that if you had right this moment "locked in" those plans, by the time the anniversary rolled around you'd maybe be outright resenting A & questioning your sanity.

I've helped people make actual plans (budget, retirement, investment). It's often thankless because we live in a culture of immediacy where we are truly spoiled on having our every little desire satisfied Right Damn NOW, & the very thought of waiting three whole days for ANYTHING is actually painful (hence Amazon's delivery drones).

Again: you're high. There's nothing wrong with that. It can last weeks, maybe months, & in extreme cases be nursed along for a few years. But be very wary of believing that things you see/hear/feel will persist once you build up a tolerance to that particular buzz. If you're okay with burned bridges -- some of us are, in the right circumstances -- then do as thou wilt.
 
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