junkoftheheart
New member
Hello, I'm new to the forum. I joined because my partner and I have had a few (well more than a few) spats about my jealousy and insecurity. I want to understand myself better and learn how to grow as a person to the point that I experience true compersion for my partner and/or future partners. I have read a few articles on jealousy in polyamory but still cannot get it through my head the majority of the time. It's causing me and -definitely- my partner a lot of distress so I'm hoping I can shoot out a few scenarios over the next few days and get some advice and/or tough love. Okay here goes!
I'll begin with the most recent one as that is what lead me to join the site. A little over 2 hours ago I spoke on the phone with my partner. He works out of town and is away a lot so this is how we communicate most of the time. His birthday is coming up and I told him I wanted to organize a get together with some of his friends this weekend to celebrate but they are out of town, so I began making some plans to surprise him on his actual birthday (next Wednesday) by driving to pick him up and bring him back to the city for a fancy dinner with his friends. When I called him to see if he could get off work early for a surprise, however, he told me he had already made plans with a girl he's been seeing romantically over the last 6 years. (They have never dated fully and see each other sometimes a one or two times a month. I have met her a couple of times and she seems nice and well meaning and non-threatening.)
Now, my immediate reaction was hurt. As I am his primary partner, I guess I have this sense of a claim on his time which I know is a completely wrong thing to feel, but that's what I felt right away. He then offered to see if she'd like to come along with us on the surprise but I felt an immediate aversion to this solution for reasons I cannot explain fully. What followed was a sad, uncomfortable phone call where he attempted to get me to open up about why I was feeling these things but I had no answers for him and only offered awkward silence until I decided to end the call. Neither of us said the usual I love yous and goodnights and I'm sure we both felt hurt and sad.
Time and time again I try to move through my life intending to feel compersion and excitement for my partner but whenever I am faced with a real situation, my emotions (jealousy and insecurity) take over and I ruin it and upset him and make him question whether or not I actually want to be polyamorous (and by extension be with him). Sometimes I too feel that I may like the idea of polyamory much more than the reality of it and I don't know how to move forward positively. I have found an alternative lifestyle friendly counselor in my city and am planning on calling them tomorrow to arrange to talk to a professional about my ongoing confusion.
In the meantime, though, what can I do to pause before these reactions which I know are not conducive to a positive polyamory relationship? Is hiding my jealous feelings until I can work through them good or bad? What do I do if I cannot stop these feelings from happening?
I don't want to hurt my partner with these feelings anymore and I don't want him to have to continually question my commitment to our lifestyle. Any and all suggestions, comments or advice are welcome. Thank you in advance for the support/tough love.
I'll begin with the most recent one as that is what lead me to join the site. A little over 2 hours ago I spoke on the phone with my partner. He works out of town and is away a lot so this is how we communicate most of the time. His birthday is coming up and I told him I wanted to organize a get together with some of his friends this weekend to celebrate but they are out of town, so I began making some plans to surprise him on his actual birthday (next Wednesday) by driving to pick him up and bring him back to the city for a fancy dinner with his friends. When I called him to see if he could get off work early for a surprise, however, he told me he had already made plans with a girl he's been seeing romantically over the last 6 years. (They have never dated fully and see each other sometimes a one or two times a month. I have met her a couple of times and she seems nice and well meaning and non-threatening.)
Now, my immediate reaction was hurt. As I am his primary partner, I guess I have this sense of a claim on his time which I know is a completely wrong thing to feel, but that's what I felt right away. He then offered to see if she'd like to come along with us on the surprise but I felt an immediate aversion to this solution for reasons I cannot explain fully. What followed was a sad, uncomfortable phone call where he attempted to get me to open up about why I was feeling these things but I had no answers for him and only offered awkward silence until I decided to end the call. Neither of us said the usual I love yous and goodnights and I'm sure we both felt hurt and sad.
Time and time again I try to move through my life intending to feel compersion and excitement for my partner but whenever I am faced with a real situation, my emotions (jealousy and insecurity) take over and I ruin it and upset him and make him question whether or not I actually want to be polyamorous (and by extension be with him). Sometimes I too feel that I may like the idea of polyamory much more than the reality of it and I don't know how to move forward positively. I have found an alternative lifestyle friendly counselor in my city and am planning on calling them tomorrow to arrange to talk to a professional about my ongoing confusion.
In the meantime, though, what can I do to pause before these reactions which I know are not conducive to a positive polyamory relationship? Is hiding my jealous feelings until I can work through them good or bad? What do I do if I cannot stop these feelings from happening?
I don't want to hurt my partner with these feelings anymore and I don't want him to have to continually question my commitment to our lifestyle. Any and all suggestions, comments or advice are welcome. Thank you in advance for the support/tough love.
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