GrowingTogether
New member
I'm going to try to use this space to periodically summarize where I think my relationship is at as my wife and I journey toward (contemplate? experiment with?) non-monogamy.
We're in our mid-thirties and we've been married for just about nine years. We dated for about four years before we were married, and we knew each other for probably five or six years before that. It seems strange to think we've known each other for 20 years, but I guess that's the reality.
We have two young children - a toddler and a pre-schooler. We're educated, open-minded and progressive, and while we don't come from excess privilege, we come from privilege nonetheless. We're basically as conventional as it gets, though perhaps a tad more self-aware of our conventionality and our privilege than some in similar situations. Maybe that sets us apart. Let's go with that.
We're conventional enough that when we first started discussing theoretical merits of open relationships, non-monogamy (whatever you want to call it) I was taken aback by how open my wife was to the idea. She has always been open-minded, but has never operated too far outside the mainstream in her approach to relationships. Until recently I would have described her as someone who supports, defends and celebrates the diversity of others, but behaves pretty traditionally. And I'm probably not too far off of that approach either.
Our first conversation in this vein took place probably two months ago now. We were standing in the kitchen preparing dinner with our kids running roughshod around us. I can't remember what I said to prompt this response, but I distinctly remember her stopping what she was doing and saying "You know I was thinking the other day: monogamy is stupid." And that was the beginning of the first of a few conversations that were initially pretty theoretical. What did we think about the merits of monogamy and non-monogamy in general? Could an open marriage work for other people? What were the risks to them, to their children? What might they stand to gain and lose? We went on like this for a few weeks, not obsessively, but there were probably three or four dedicated conversations in this vein over a five or six week period.
Then a couple of weeks ago the NYT Magazine article about open relationships came across my Twitter feed. I read it and passed it on to her "without implying anything, of course" and since then the conversation has been much more geared toward us. Would there be benefits to our relationship? Maybe. Do we think commitment and sexual monogamy are inseparable? No, certainly not. Is it possible to expect each other to fulfill our every sexual desire, especially when we don't expect each other to fulfill us in other, non-sexual ways? Again, certainly not. Are there scenarios in which we think this could work for us? Maybe. Should we keep the conversation open? Yes.
So that's about where we are. Agreed that we should keep the conversation open, philosophically on board with exploring this possibility in our relationship. Reading, researching, talking, but not yet actively pursuing anything. In short, behaving about as conventionally as you'd expect one could be have as we navigate this unconventional approach.
We're in our mid-thirties and we've been married for just about nine years. We dated for about four years before we were married, and we knew each other for probably five or six years before that. It seems strange to think we've known each other for 20 years, but I guess that's the reality.
We have two young children - a toddler and a pre-schooler. We're educated, open-minded and progressive, and while we don't come from excess privilege, we come from privilege nonetheless. We're basically as conventional as it gets, though perhaps a tad more self-aware of our conventionality and our privilege than some in similar situations. Maybe that sets us apart. Let's go with that.
We're conventional enough that when we first started discussing theoretical merits of open relationships, non-monogamy (whatever you want to call it) I was taken aback by how open my wife was to the idea. She has always been open-minded, but has never operated too far outside the mainstream in her approach to relationships. Until recently I would have described her as someone who supports, defends and celebrates the diversity of others, but behaves pretty traditionally. And I'm probably not too far off of that approach either.
Our first conversation in this vein took place probably two months ago now. We were standing in the kitchen preparing dinner with our kids running roughshod around us. I can't remember what I said to prompt this response, but I distinctly remember her stopping what she was doing and saying "You know I was thinking the other day: monogamy is stupid." And that was the beginning of the first of a few conversations that were initially pretty theoretical. What did we think about the merits of monogamy and non-monogamy in general? Could an open marriage work for other people? What were the risks to them, to their children? What might they stand to gain and lose? We went on like this for a few weeks, not obsessively, but there were probably three or four dedicated conversations in this vein over a five or six week period.
Then a couple of weeks ago the NYT Magazine article about open relationships came across my Twitter feed. I read it and passed it on to her "without implying anything, of course" and since then the conversation has been much more geared toward us. Would there be benefits to our relationship? Maybe. Do we think commitment and sexual monogamy are inseparable? No, certainly not. Is it possible to expect each other to fulfill our every sexual desire, especially when we don't expect each other to fulfill us in other, non-sexual ways? Again, certainly not. Are there scenarios in which we think this could work for us? Maybe. Should we keep the conversation open? Yes.
So that's about where we are. Agreed that we should keep the conversation open, philosophically on board with exploring this possibility in our relationship. Reading, researching, talking, but not yet actively pursuing anything. In short, behaving about as conventionally as you'd expect one could be have as we navigate this unconventional approach.