Toward an open marriage...

GrowingTogether

New member
I'm going to try to use this space to periodically summarize where I think my relationship is at as my wife and I journey toward (contemplate? experiment with?) non-monogamy.

We're in our mid-thirties and we've been married for just about nine years. We dated for about four years before we were married, and we knew each other for probably five or six years before that. It seems strange to think we've known each other for 20 years, but I guess that's the reality.

We have two young children - a toddler and a pre-schooler. We're educated, open-minded and progressive, and while we don't come from excess privilege, we come from privilege nonetheless. We're basically as conventional as it gets, though perhaps a tad more self-aware of our conventionality and our privilege than some in similar situations. Maybe that sets us apart. Let's go with that.

We're conventional enough that when we first started discussing theoretical merits of open relationships, non-monogamy (whatever you want to call it) I was taken aback by how open my wife was to the idea. She has always been open-minded, but has never operated too far outside the mainstream in her approach to relationships. Until recently I would have described her as someone who supports, defends and celebrates the diversity of others, but behaves pretty traditionally. And I'm probably not too far off of that approach either.

Our first conversation in this vein took place probably two months ago now. We were standing in the kitchen preparing dinner with our kids running roughshod around us. I can't remember what I said to prompt this response, but I distinctly remember her stopping what she was doing and saying "You know I was thinking the other day: monogamy is stupid." And that was the beginning of the first of a few conversations that were initially pretty theoretical. What did we think about the merits of monogamy and non-monogamy in general? Could an open marriage work for other people? What were the risks to them, to their children? What might they stand to gain and lose? We went on like this for a few weeks, not obsessively, but there were probably three or four dedicated conversations in this vein over a five or six week period.

Then a couple of weeks ago the NYT Magazine article about open relationships came across my Twitter feed. I read it and passed it on to her "without implying anything, of course" and since then the conversation has been much more geared toward us. Would there be benefits to our relationship? Maybe. Do we think commitment and sexual monogamy are inseparable? No, certainly not. Is it possible to expect each other to fulfill our every sexual desire, especially when we don't expect each other to fulfill us in other, non-sexual ways? Again, certainly not. Are there scenarios in which we think this could work for us? Maybe. Should we keep the conversation open? Yes.

So that's about where we are. Agreed that we should keep the conversation open, philosophically on board with exploring this possibility in our relationship. Reading, researching, talking, but not yet actively pursuing anything. In short, behaving about as conventionally as you'd expect one could be have as we navigate this unconventional approach.
 
We had a great conversation last Friday over dinner and wine. It was the first time we'd had a full evening alone together in a long time. We spoke very openly about our evolving thoughts on non-monogamy. It was one of the more authentic, open conversations we've ever had - and we usually aren't too bad in that area.

We each shared our ideas on why we thought there might be some benefits. I told her how I felt like this new openness (our communication, first of all, but also the potential new openness of our relationship) had already changed my mindset toward our own sexuality as a couple. I talked about how I somehow feel more free to enjoy her for what she is, rather than pine (from time to time) over what she is not. I can't expect her to display contradictory qualities at the same time, even though I want to experience those qualities in my relationships and my sexuality. Knowing that it might be possible to experience all of them - and have each others consent to do so - brings my wife's own attractive qualities into the forefront. I see her for what she is, instead of as one side of the compromise coin.

We talked a bit about logistics - about how we might actually go about this - and I think that is one area where we have a lot to learn. She shared with me that she would be comfortable with me having "friends" in other cities that I visit periodically for work. She also shared that she feels like she would be more comfortable with me being the first one to try to meet another partner, and that she might try to do so after that.

The logistics probably raised more questions for me than answers as I reflect on our conversations after the fact. I think I need to have another conversation with her just so I can clarify exactly what we agreed to do and not do at the present time. I know we both agreed that it was too early to aggressively pursue new relationships (like with online profiles and the like). But I also feel like we might have contradicted ourselves, as we both expressed a willingness to allow the other to nurture any new relationships that might start up organically. So I think there is some clarity needed here and I'll do my best to pursue that.

This week I am feeling very practical about things, and maybe feeling a little stuck as a result. Even if we were ready to pursue this more actively, how would we do it? How does one meet new people? How do you make your intentions known to potential new partners without discussing sexuality right at the get go? Questions like that abound for me right now.

Oh, and the stubborn reality that when we do take some initial steps, my wife is sure to meet with success a lot easier than I am, things being what they are.
 
We had another conversation, yesterday, related to our...transition? I'm not sure what to call this potential foray into non-monogamy we're considering. Transition seems a bit too certain, as though it's happening for sure. At this point it's more of a mutual contemplation, I suppose. Theoretically and philosophically committed, practically and actively contemplative?

In any case, we discussed it again. This time it was my wife who initiated the conversation. When we spoke about it last, we had been talking about the potential to see different "types" of people - one aspect of non-monogamy that we agree is enticing / attractive - and were musing on the "types" each of us might like to incorporate into our lives. So it was in this context (pretext?) that my wife re-initiated the conversation. She shared with me the (a?) type of man she might be interested in seeing, and I told her I thought that was interesting - "cool" may have been my specific choice of words. This led us back into the broader conversation and we discussed some of the logistical aspects we had been mulling.

We agreed that "how" part presents a lot of challenges. Neither of us wants to be the "other" person in situation where a partner is keeping their extra-marital activity a secret from their spouse, for example. Then we talked a bit about the conflict that exists between wanting to be ethical and communicate openly (in this case, with potential partners) but also stay relatively discrete about our non-monogamy. No breakthroughs where found here, but it's good to have raised the question for further discussion, I think.

I told my wife that I had been struggling a bit with how to continue these conversations without making it seem to her like it's all I think about. I want us to progress in our understanding of where we're at and our understanding of ethical / consensual non-monogamy, but I don't want to be pushy or overbearing about the subject. We have a hard enough time, with busy lives and two little kids, finding time to discuss the "everyday" parts of our relationship, let alone these new unorthodox considerations.

She told me that I had basically abated any of those concerns, in prior conversations, when I've shared with her how much more intrigued by / interested in / attracted to her I am in the context of his open relationship ideal. How the idea of "choosing" each other is more real and free when the relationship is open. How the natural desire, under monogamy, to see your "chosen" partner in terms of their opportunity cost - what you're missing out on - goes away when you also have the option of experiencing what you have otherwise forsaken.

I also raised my reflections on our previous conversations with respect to an apparent contradiction - the notion that we both seemed to be open to the other exploring any new relationships that might arise, while both expressing that we aren't actually ready to delve into this new lifestyle. She agreed that seemed contradictory, and neither of us knew what to make of it on the spot, so we agreed to mull it over and check in about it again when we had another chance to discuss this aspect of our relationship.

And it's about that time when our two and four year old rolled into the kitchen for supper. Nonetheless, I think we're communicating well. I also think we're taking a pretty mature and open approach to this "mutual contemplation". As always, we'll see where it goes next.
 
I've sat down a few different times over the past couple of weeks, intent on updating this blog, but haven't quite figured out which direction to go with a post. So I think rather than delaying it any longer I'll just ramble on some and see if I can figure out what I'm thinking.

Regular old life has been at the forefront this last while as my wife focuses on her job and some other projects and I have been working on various home improvement related projects. We also have our two kids to keep us busy.

Despite these distractions, I've been feeling very drawn to my wife. Esther Perel talks about this idea that people seek closeness and security in relationships and how that closeness and security puts a damper on attraction, excitement and eroticism. I think the discussions my wife and I have had about opening up our marriage have revealed a new sort of side to her that I wasn't fully aware of, and I think that "unknown" has made things interesting again.

She's shared with me the idea that she feels like she needs to "chase" me again, to some degree. And, despite there being an unsettling aspect to that prospect, she sees it as an overall positive not to be able to "take me as given".

We continue to explore this notion of non-monogamy in our own distinct ways. I continue my quest for knowledge - reading, researching, trying to draw on experiences of others, etc. My wife, I think, spends little time appealing to these sorts of outside sources and more time internally processing. I'm the "thinker", she's the "feeler" so it's natural for me to seek content to mull over, while her preferred approach is to reflect on her own feelings about the idea. Still, she alludes to the prospect of non-monogamy enough that I know it's on her mind.

We had a pointed conversation about it last night. I asked her if she feels in any way "coerced" into considering non-monogamy. It's been one of my fears that maybe she's considering it only because she knows I'm intrigued by the idea, and not because it's genuinely intriguing to her also. She assured me that she is also intrigued at the prospect. She talked about her lack of sexual experience (outside of our experiences together) and how that causes her some anxiety, but that she is excited by the idea of learning how to be intimate and sexual with people other than just me.

She shared a couple of fears with me also. First, she talked about how having kids complicates things a bit. If it were just the two of us any potential negative repercussions resulting from societal views toward monogamy would be a lot easier to handle. She is concerned - if others were to find out that we opened our marriage - about whether there would be any backlash that our kids might have to feel as a result.

She also talked about how she has been contemplating what might happen to her emotionally if she were to enter into an intimate relationship with another man. She reiterated just how emotional sex is to her, and how she would likely never have sex with anyone she didn't feel an emotional connection toward. This wasn't new to me, as she's shared this before repeatedly. However, she went further, and talked about how it's possible she could develop pretty deep feelings for another man and wondered what effect that might have on our relationship. Would she still want to be with me, or would she feel compelled to be with him? That sort of thing. We talked it through a bit, and I shared with her how I think it's impossible to control feelings, but that actions are controllable. We also agreed that there are no guarantees with this sort of thing and, we guess, that would be a risk we'd be taking.

She also came to the conclusion that her fears in this regard are probably a result of still being in a monogamous mindset. In other words, she has trouble comprehending a scenario where she could have that depth of feeling for another person and yet not make him her "one and only". She decided that this was "either / or" thinking derived from years of being conditioned into a monogamous mindset and that it was no longer necessary to think that you need to choose between two people.

It gave me a lot to think about. The idea of her developing a deep connection with another man isn't unsettling to me. However, I think it goes without saying that the possibility of her outright replacing me because of that connection is unsettling. More fodder for further conversations, I suppose.

It seems like our relationship status - are we in an open marriage or not - is still very much up in the air. But we're talking and we're communicating and I think that's a good thing.
 
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