I understand it, but I don't want to be in the line of fire.
People who open up a marriage because they want to practice Open? They aren't "saving the marriage" from anything? They probably have a greater chance of success. People who open a marriage to save the mariage/avoid breaking up? That's not really a good reason to Open. It's staving off.
"Relationship broken/breaking up. Add more people" isn't something I want to mess with. I value the (health of the people) over the (relationship shape continuing). I rather see the relationship shape CHANGE than people bend themselves into pretzels trying to preserve it or keep it going. They talk about it in terms of "saving the relationship" but what are they saving it FROM really?
Needed change?
Whatever their problems? I value my OWN mental health so I don't want to get involved with drama. I rather wait for them to sort themselves out and then eventually date the partner I want to date when they are HEALTHY again. Messing with grieving people isn't my cup of tea. Whether grief from impending divorce or grief from being widowed... they just are not healthy yet. I don't see them as healthy dating partners.
Not bad people. Just not fully
healthy right now.
I tend to think of it as the people being in the "denial" stage or the "bargaining" stage
in the stages of grief. They are not quite at final acceptance that they need to part ways in order to be healthy individuals. They clutch to "saving the marriage" to cling to the familiar, even if it isn't so hot because the unknown is scary.
Case in point: Some friends of mine dragged out their divorce for several years. Going poly helped them extend the marriage for a while longer. But I don't see what FOR because in that time the quality of the relationship was quite poor. A lot of sniping, hurt feelings, fights, and eventually ramping up to verbal/emotional abuse and just
mess.
I guess they just needed it to get
horrible before they became more willing to part ways. Because then it was CLEAR that they needed to part ways. Because things at home were HORRIBLE.
When it was at the place of "I'm falling out of love with you" neither was willing to break up then. Because nothing was "that bad" or "that horrible" at home. They got along ok, just that one was no longer in love with or sexually interested in the other.
To me that is spiritual death of the union. They lasted til "death do us part." Just that it wasn't a physical death. When it isn't a temporary disconnect from work or illness or similar? It's a longer, deeper disconnect? When one of them just doesn't have the heart to keep going any more? Why keep it going like "going through the motions?" What's there to save?
It's done. Break up and be friends and get on with being good exes and good coparents.
But there's the rub. In the stages of grief... the people are not yet at final acceptance that it IS done. They have to go through the grieving process to arrive there.
And people who want to fight going through the grief process? Aren't going to arrive there fast. It's going to be slow. I've watched these friends erode over almost 5 years because neither wanted to face the writing on the wall. They ended up doing damage to themselves, each other, and people they dated.
Me? When it is ALL hard and I have to pick which hard I have to do? I rather pick breaking up and facing "shorter hard" so I can get to the healing place faster. Rather than deal with "dragging it out hard" and
then deal with "breaking up hard." Why do double load? Why postpone my own healing?
I think it is because grief does weird things to people. When they are IN grief, some don't
realize that they are postponing their own healing. Especially people who might not have experienced grief before. They may not know themselves well in grief or know how to handle it well. Like... cannot see the forest for the trees. They might not even recognize that they are entering the grieving process.
So I get why they do things in grief like try "relationship broken/breaking up. Add more people" to help stave things off some. They are dealing with complex emotions that they may not be equipped to process well or untangle. A person in the stages of grief? They are not mentally or emotionally well. Deep grief can impair judgement and thinking clearly.
I get that. And I sympathize/empathize. But that doesn't mean I want to jump into the middle of it!
I suppose there might be some. But I cannot think of any that would make me change my mind about getting involved with a grieving person. I rather avoid getting involved with them. I can be there as their friend, but I don't want to date them like that.
It's easier on me to wait for people to sort themselves out and date them later on when they are actually healthy people again.
Galagirl