I saw Blue Eyes last night. I had been working up to bringing up being poly and I still haven't come right out and said it, but I suspect that will happen today.
I asked Dean if he minded if I went out (in general), next Dean said "are you going out with Blue Eyes?" I smiled big and said "can I?!" Dean said yeah so off I went on my first sanctioned date. I had been most afraid of the look on my face when I thought if asking Dean if I could go on a date with Blue Eyes, because I knew I couldn't help but smile. Dean made it all easy for me. I suspect it's because he loves me and wants to see me happy. Just a hunch.
I was very nervous and excited.
The moment of the night I liked best was walking down the street holding hands, it's all I've wanted to do, just to be physically close.
We had a good night, at one point I mentioned having a girlfriend while I was with my husband. I also told him Dean knew I was out with him and that I brought that up because I wanted him to know it was ok if we continued seeing one another. Blue Eyes gets uncomfortable when I talk about Dean. Specifically when I let him know that Dean and I have talked about Blue Eyes. (red flag? probably yes, or maybe he's just acting like most people would in this situation)
I wasn't trying to make the night all business, but there are things I need to communicate that aren't for texting.
The end of the night was weird. He was distant. I left feeling pretty rejected. There's backstory here I don't want to go in to, so just trust that my rejection was valid.
I talked to Blue Eyes, told him I left feeling rejected. I told him I would like to have a relationship with him and that I have no intention of leaving Dean, that Dean knows where I am, who I'm with.
I think I explained that I wanted a relationship concurrent with the one I have with Dean.
His reply was that it doesn't work for him "not in any romantic way" "I'm perfectly happy being intimate and close with you, though." I don't know what that means. I'm gonna find out today.
I told him I couldn't be intimate without being emotional.
I returned home crying my eyes out like a teenager. It felt like I just got dumped.
I respect Blue Eyes' stance, but I really hate it. I'm not mad at him or anything close to that, I'm just heartbroken.
I was afraid of this and here it is.
I'm gonna get some closure with Blue Eyes today, see what kind of relationship I can salvage. I'm gonna have to lick my wounds for a bit though. I felt so vulnerable.
The amazing news is that Dean held me while I cried. He asked me if Blue eyes was "being an ass", I said no of course. No one was being an ass.
I guess I thought Blue Eyes would be more open the idea of continuing to see me. I think he really cares about me, maybe that's why he doesn't like my situation? I'm just left with guesses. That'll make me nuts. I do intend on asking these questions to Blue Eyes. I think I had found a lot of hope in reading/hearing that even mono guys are willing to be with a poly woman for a while. I understand that sounds childish. I just wanted it to be true. I just wanted it to work. Feelings. I has so many.
This morning Dean told me he was sorry that it didn't work out and that he was ok while I was on my date. Part of me thinks he must be relieved in some way, but I don't know that to be true. I believe he genuinely feels for me and doesn't want to see me hurt. Dean is amazing, more now than I even knew a couple months ago.
I've learned so much about myself, Dean, life in general the past couple months. I know this will all be useful when I fall for someone else next time. We all know there will be a next time.
I guess there's still a small chance this thing could work out. Or I'm just being unrealistic.
So, today be sad with me and be happy with me.
I have THE best husband for me, the depth of his love is mind boggling. I need to start believing I deserve him. One of these days I will, I'm working up to it!
Happy/Sad is my norm so I guess all is well. They walk hand in hand.