BathedInSalt
New member
Something I started picking apart yesterday is about my relationship with SoulSister (formerly K)I have so far used it as a positive, like a "Hey, look we've been "doing" polyamory all long". I'd like to pick it apart, find out why it WASN’T polyamory.
Here's the story of me (f,bi,married with kids) and SoulSister (f, bi, married with kids).
I met SoulSister when I was pregnant with my first daughter, in the Summer 9 years ago.
I was married to my eldest daughter's father, Mike. We were introduced by a mutual friend. I was invited to her bachelorette party because she didn't have many friends, having just moved from Boston with her daughter and fiance. I didn't go, I was in my 6th month of my first pregnancy and feeling very home-bound. A month or more later that SoulSister gave me a ride to an OB appointment. I didn't have a car at the time. We connected first about music. Not much later our mutual friend started helping SoulSister remove herself from her abusive relationship with her husband. We started out as friends who provided mutual support through some pretty intense situations. The timing of these parts are blurry to me, but she left her husband, it was ugly and scary. Mike and I let SoulSister stay with us for a bit, we helped her get her stuff from her own home. All very intense. During that time I had my baby, 5 weeks later my husband accidentally overdosed. (I realize that this story is glossing over details of events that deserve novels written about them, bare with me. You are free to ask questions about anything also. I don't mind talking about any of this.)
I remember the first time I felt the urgency to kiss her. I was at her house visiting. I wasn't even fully accepting of my attraction to women at the time, mostly because my husband disapproved and poked fun at me for it. I had had experiences/experiments with 2 different women by then though. Enough to know. I didn't kiss her and much later on I realized she felt that same urgency that night too. Crazy.
After Mike passed I moved into a duplex next to my grandparents for about 8 months in a city I didn't want to live in. SoulSister stayed in the other city. We were both struggling in our grief. We supported the hell out of each other in a loving way, but not a partnered one. We'd become solidly best friends though. Over the course of the year we'd kissed and fooled around, never talked about what it was, what it meant, etc. We ended up living together for a year. I watched her 2 kids when she was working, and she watched my 1 kid when I worked. We split the bills and the responsibilities. We took care of each other and each other's kids. Our girls still think they are sisters because of that time. During that time SoulSister and I only hooked up twice, made out a lot, but it always seemed so casual. During that time we dated men, sometimes we shared them. We had fun. One drunken night she asked me why "can't it just be us". At the time I hadn't considered a relationship like that with her. I wasn't in the same place. I wasn't in any place to do the work needed to in order to give a lesbian relationship a shot, especially when we already lived together and had three kids under 3 yrs old. Mostly though I was grieving, or not grieving because of my baby. I wasn't fully accepting of who I was. We helped each other build a foundation so we could go our separate ways financially.
Not long after we met our husbands (2010). She married first, we still carried on our relationship. We spent a lot of time together, took care of each other, we hooked up often ( I realize that word is so vague, but it's everything you think of - the whole gamut from holding hands to sex). It wasn't 100% sanctioned by her new husband. He was aware, but mostly after the fact. My husband however knew from the very beginning that SoulSister and I had an intimate relationship, both emotional and physical. When I met my husband SoulSister and I had already been something for 2 years. She and I tried to cool down the physical stuff. It didn't always work, mostly because we would get so drunk and lose all impulse control. At a party in July of 2011 I was pregnant with my son, SoulSister's husband (Jim) basically outed me as bisexual at a party at his house. He was "kidding" and just kept asking me "you like women right? until I just said very loudly, "yes, Jim, I like women, is that a problem for you?" I said it right next to my husband, I said it so the party could hear. I was pushed out of the closet and you know what? It was great.
In September 2011 our (my husband and my) son was born stillborn. Again SoulSister was there for me, every day.
A year later something changed in my heart about the way I felt for SoulSister I really fell in love with her, I really let myself sink into those deep feelings. Then next time we were intimate it was more bonding and less purely physical (for me). She could tell something had changed too. At that point we both confronted these feelings and had the familiar conversation that happens when you are practicing monogamy (even if we weren’t practicing it well or good for everyone involved.) “I’m in love with you, you’re in love with me, we both love our families.” My husband was ok with me loving SoulSister her husband was NOT ok with it. Neither of us wanted to break up our families, she had 3 kids total by then, I had 2 and one was an infant still. I never entertained the idea of poly then, I never thought I would leave my husband and be with SoulSister now. That was my choice. So, we backed off again.
Around 2014 word got round to our whole friend group about how serious SoulSister I had gotten. It fractured the group. There were about 3 events: Oct., NYE, and in March. I’ll tell you about March. I hadn’t seen SoulSister since a NYE party at my house. We had, had a huge fight then. I was nervous about seeing her, she was nervous about seeing me too. It didn’t take long before we were up to our old antics though. We were at a local music festival. We, everyone started drinking early. By the end of the day I found myself having a sobbing conversation with SoulSister I had abandoned my husband and what was worse was that I didn’t care. I didn’t care about him, I didn’t care about my kids, my friends. I had one care, her. Maybe two if I include myself. That night opened my eyes as to how selfish I could truly be, how awful I could act, how unhealthy SoulSister and I had become. It changed my world. I could clearly see how much dysfunction SoulSister and I were capable of. Jim left her at the festival. My husband, well he handled it well, but this event is going to be rehashed real soon because I don’t actually know the ways in which the event affected him.
Out of self-preservation (among other things) I pulled back from everyone. I ended two friendships, one never recovered. The other was SoulSister,but I ended it because I needed to figure out my heart and couldn’t do it talking to her all the time. I could no longer tell what was manipulated, what was alcohol fueled and yeah (if you couldn’t see it), aspects of our relationship were co-dependent.
The following almost 2 years I learned how to support myself. It was great for me to be my own best friend. It did wonders for me. I combatted self esteem issues, jealousy, learned to make new friends and invested in old friendships that I didn’t “have time” for in the past. When SoulSister and I started talking again we were both different and better versions of ourselves. She had recognized she was an alcoholic and was seeking treatment. So, for the last 2 years we’ve had our best friendship back. We’ve consciously not picked up again with a sexual relationship. Her sobriety certainly helps, but I’ve also changed. I didn’t like any of the negative ramifications of our physically intimate moments. That catches you up to today. We are still best friends, still love each other to the moon and back. Still supporting one another. Still caring for each other’s kids. Still sharing life. Consciously keeping and nourishing our friendship.
9 years later, SoulSister and I are still one another’s “person”. For the sake of my primary goal (figuring out why it wasn’t polyamory) I’ve left out all of the good moments, the romance, the tenderness and tried to keep it to the facts. We fucked up a lot. I didn’t act ethically always. We were bad for each other at times, we were great for eachother. I wouldn’t be the same me right now if it weren’t for her.
I’m asking you now, how was this polyamory and how wasn’t it. I feel like I’m consulting the experts on this one, it’s ok to be brutal because I know how shitty parts of this are, how shameful.
You’ll just have to trust that there were a million other moments of good stuff. Moments where everyone in this story bonded, shared wonderful experiences, acted out of love. Even Jim and I have recovered our friendship. We’re all at a pretty good place now. We’ve all grown. So much.
Here's the story of me (f,bi,married with kids) and SoulSister (f, bi, married with kids).
I met SoulSister when I was pregnant with my first daughter, in the Summer 9 years ago.
I was married to my eldest daughter's father, Mike. We were introduced by a mutual friend. I was invited to her bachelorette party because she didn't have many friends, having just moved from Boston with her daughter and fiance. I didn't go, I was in my 6th month of my first pregnancy and feeling very home-bound. A month or more later that SoulSister gave me a ride to an OB appointment. I didn't have a car at the time. We connected first about music. Not much later our mutual friend started helping SoulSister remove herself from her abusive relationship with her husband. We started out as friends who provided mutual support through some pretty intense situations. The timing of these parts are blurry to me, but she left her husband, it was ugly and scary. Mike and I let SoulSister stay with us for a bit, we helped her get her stuff from her own home. All very intense. During that time I had my baby, 5 weeks later my husband accidentally overdosed. (I realize that this story is glossing over details of events that deserve novels written about them, bare with me. You are free to ask questions about anything also. I don't mind talking about any of this.)
I remember the first time I felt the urgency to kiss her. I was at her house visiting. I wasn't even fully accepting of my attraction to women at the time, mostly because my husband disapproved and poked fun at me for it. I had had experiences/experiments with 2 different women by then though. Enough to know. I didn't kiss her and much later on I realized she felt that same urgency that night too. Crazy.
After Mike passed I moved into a duplex next to my grandparents for about 8 months in a city I didn't want to live in. SoulSister stayed in the other city. We were both struggling in our grief. We supported the hell out of each other in a loving way, but not a partnered one. We'd become solidly best friends though. Over the course of the year we'd kissed and fooled around, never talked about what it was, what it meant, etc. We ended up living together for a year. I watched her 2 kids when she was working, and she watched my 1 kid when I worked. We split the bills and the responsibilities. We took care of each other and each other's kids. Our girls still think they are sisters because of that time. During that time SoulSister and I only hooked up twice, made out a lot, but it always seemed so casual. During that time we dated men, sometimes we shared them. We had fun. One drunken night she asked me why "can't it just be us". At the time I hadn't considered a relationship like that with her. I wasn't in the same place. I wasn't in any place to do the work needed to in order to give a lesbian relationship a shot, especially when we already lived together and had three kids under 3 yrs old. Mostly though I was grieving, or not grieving because of my baby. I wasn't fully accepting of who I was. We helped each other build a foundation so we could go our separate ways financially.
Not long after we met our husbands (2010). She married first, we still carried on our relationship. We spent a lot of time together, took care of each other, we hooked up often ( I realize that word is so vague, but it's everything you think of - the whole gamut from holding hands to sex). It wasn't 100% sanctioned by her new husband. He was aware, but mostly after the fact. My husband however knew from the very beginning that SoulSister and I had an intimate relationship, both emotional and physical. When I met my husband SoulSister and I had already been something for 2 years. She and I tried to cool down the physical stuff. It didn't always work, mostly because we would get so drunk and lose all impulse control. At a party in July of 2011 I was pregnant with my son, SoulSister's husband (Jim) basically outed me as bisexual at a party at his house. He was "kidding" and just kept asking me "you like women right? until I just said very loudly, "yes, Jim, I like women, is that a problem for you?" I said it right next to my husband, I said it so the party could hear. I was pushed out of the closet and you know what? It was great.
In September 2011 our (my husband and my) son was born stillborn. Again SoulSister was there for me, every day.
A year later something changed in my heart about the way I felt for SoulSister I really fell in love with her, I really let myself sink into those deep feelings. Then next time we were intimate it was more bonding and less purely physical (for me). She could tell something had changed too. At that point we both confronted these feelings and had the familiar conversation that happens when you are practicing monogamy (even if we weren’t practicing it well or good for everyone involved.) “I’m in love with you, you’re in love with me, we both love our families.” My husband was ok with me loving SoulSister her husband was NOT ok with it. Neither of us wanted to break up our families, she had 3 kids total by then, I had 2 and one was an infant still. I never entertained the idea of poly then, I never thought I would leave my husband and be with SoulSister now. That was my choice. So, we backed off again.
Around 2014 word got round to our whole friend group about how serious SoulSister I had gotten. It fractured the group. There were about 3 events: Oct., NYE, and in March. I’ll tell you about March. I hadn’t seen SoulSister since a NYE party at my house. We had, had a huge fight then. I was nervous about seeing her, she was nervous about seeing me too. It didn’t take long before we were up to our old antics though. We were at a local music festival. We, everyone started drinking early. By the end of the day I found myself having a sobbing conversation with SoulSister I had abandoned my husband and what was worse was that I didn’t care. I didn’t care about him, I didn’t care about my kids, my friends. I had one care, her. Maybe two if I include myself. That night opened my eyes as to how selfish I could truly be, how awful I could act, how unhealthy SoulSister and I had become. It changed my world. I could clearly see how much dysfunction SoulSister and I were capable of. Jim left her at the festival. My husband, well he handled it well, but this event is going to be rehashed real soon because I don’t actually know the ways in which the event affected him.
Out of self-preservation (among other things) I pulled back from everyone. I ended two friendships, one never recovered. The other was SoulSister,but I ended it because I needed to figure out my heart and couldn’t do it talking to her all the time. I could no longer tell what was manipulated, what was alcohol fueled and yeah (if you couldn’t see it), aspects of our relationship were co-dependent.
The following almost 2 years I learned how to support myself. It was great for me to be my own best friend. It did wonders for me. I combatted self esteem issues, jealousy, learned to make new friends and invested in old friendships that I didn’t “have time” for in the past. When SoulSister and I started talking again we were both different and better versions of ourselves. She had recognized she was an alcoholic and was seeking treatment. So, for the last 2 years we’ve had our best friendship back. We’ve consciously not picked up again with a sexual relationship. Her sobriety certainly helps, but I’ve also changed. I didn’t like any of the negative ramifications of our physically intimate moments. That catches you up to today. We are still best friends, still love each other to the moon and back. Still supporting one another. Still caring for each other’s kids. Still sharing life. Consciously keeping and nourishing our friendship.
9 years later, SoulSister and I are still one another’s “person”. For the sake of my primary goal (figuring out why it wasn’t polyamory) I’ve left out all of the good moments, the romance, the tenderness and tried to keep it to the facts. We fucked up a lot. I didn’t act ethically always. We were bad for each other at times, we were great for eachother. I wouldn’t be the same me right now if it weren’t for her.
I’m asking you now, how was this polyamory and how wasn’t it. I feel like I’m consulting the experts on this one, it’s ok to be brutal because I know how shitty parts of this are, how shameful.
You’ll just have to trust that there were a million other moments of good stuff. Moments where everyone in this story bonded, shared wonderful experiences, acted out of love. Even Jim and I have recovered our friendship. We’re all at a pretty good place now. We’ve all grown. So much.
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