How isn't this polyamory? (Long Read)

I am always up against this deep seated feeling of never being good enough. I've been working away at it for a long time. It's gotten quieter, but it's still there lurking.

Good enough for who? :confused:

Aren't you good enough for you? Living your life, doing the best you can with the things in Life you have to handle? Nobody is perfect. Whether healthy or sick with the flu... you just do your best in the moment. It's ok if your healthy best is not the same as your flu best.

Steering this ship solo is scary to me.

Hopefully you will become more confident over time in making your own choices.

Up until now I've had this monogamy guide, even though now my husband and I are realizing we don't even know what monogamy guide we were working off of.

Sounds like a conversation long overdue.

You had this idea of how relationships "should go" that were imposed from the outside. From watching family, friends, movies, books, etc.

Now you are realizing you are the captain of your own ship, the author of your own story, you can have your relationships be however it is you want them to be so long as you have the consent of your partner(s). Your ideas about relationships can come from the inside. From YOU, the internal authority.

Perhaps you want to look at the opening up worksheets.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

As well as premarital classes online, books, etc. Not because you are about to be married. But like a refresher to see what things you still want to keep in being married, and what you wish you let go of or change. Though meant to help engaged couples considering marriage, premarital guides can be viewed through the lens of couples engaged in thinking about Opening.

If you Open... how will you handle money? Because dating takes money. How did you handle it Closed? If you Open...How will you handle conflict resolution? Stress? Children? And so on. Here's a free one online but you can find others.

http://lifelineforfamilies.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/LifelineFF_Couples-Workbook.pdf

Perhaps they can help you sort out what it is you value and how to continue in moving the marriage forward. Whether you ultimately Open or not.

It's like you are trying to get to know yourself at core, who you really are, what you really value. Like you are changing your mind, your core beliefs, transforming, etc. Something like that.

However it is.... it is totally ok to take up the space you do. I'm glad remembering that helped you some.

It's also ok to take your time thinking all this stuff out. Some couples take years before Opening. There's no rush.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Oh, my YES... but no "almost" at all. :( IMO, it's not per se monogamy that's at fault. After all, that's a perfectly workable relational structure, & people seem to gravitate to it instinctively. (Dyads are the natural "building block" of larger relational structure, potentially very strong AND allowing maximal flexibility.)

But along comes Monogamism, setting up monogamy as The Only True Way. Worse, it prescribes a dyad that is founded with NO prior experience in sex or relationship (or householding or even basic bookkeeping), & must be maintained at all costs until death breaks the partnership -- there have even been those who advocated against remarriage, period.

There was no "sexual revolution" in the 1960s... except maybe for two things: legal access to birth control (abortion, "the pill," condoms), & the rise of "no fault" divorce.

And there were so FEW. :eek: You likely also remember hearing someone referred to as "a love child" (polite term for bastard; even "out of wedlock" doesn't come up often nowadays.)

But even the widowed were considered somewhat suspect until they paired up & came unarguably back into the Monogamist world-image. Yet, a widowed woman with children going on a date... oh, dear inches away from scandal & angry neighbors with pitchforks & torches...

And that was maybe 40 years ago. :(

It's funny because I almost used the word monogamism but my spellchecker says that's not a word :rolleyes:
 
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