I really like my partner's cousin. Has anyone ever fallen for someone they shouldn't?

Bug

New member
Hello. I am new to this group so a hello to everyone! And I need advice. I have been with my partner for a little over two years. Its great. He is genuinely a wonderful man. I am currently working on educating him on poly. He is apprehensive. He says it makes him feel really sad. I remember that. I only started learning at 18. I am 23. My partner is 30. Now I am in no real rush to open our relationship. But this isn't the question at hand. I recently met his cousin who is my age. And I really like him. I get the butterflies in my stomach. I just want to hold his hand. And its ridiculous. I have tried to make it go away. :( Has anyone ever had this happen? Did you make the feelings stop? Did you magically get what you wanted? Did everything implode? I am lost.
 
To me? Feelings pass in time. I don't have to do anything about it. Being patient and taking no action fades them away in time. That's how other feelings for me pass -- like grief after a funeral for instance. Did not enjoy those feelings but they passed. Same thing for past crush feelings of mine -- I enjoyed them in the moment but didn't pursue. They also faded in time. Like whether they are fun feelings or not so fun feelings -- both feel strong when it is fresh. Over time both fade away.

I am currently working on educating him on poly. He is apprehensive. He says it makes him feel really sad. I remember that. I only started learning at 18. I am 23. My partner is 30. Now I am in no real rush to open our relationship.

You sound like you want to for it to work out with your partner. You also sound like you want to take it easy since he's feeling sad/apprehensive. So I would probably put his cousin as too close for comfort. Like dating his dad, his boss... people who would be "messy" to poly date.

My suggestion would be to admire silently from afar but do nothing.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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Even if your bf was as open to polyamory as you are, he might have a "messy list" of people he would prefer you not date. His brother, his father, his best friend, his boss. Cousins could certainly be on that list.

I've been poly at heart my whole life. However, I lived mono for 3 decades with my ex husband. I wasn't being true to myself.

I used to get crushes all the time. I pretty much was always crushing on one person or another. On celebrities, friends of my husband, neighbors, other women in my social circle, etc.

It was a way of being poly without being poly. I'd get a crush, and masturbate while fantasising about whoever my current crush was. Often I preferred doing that to actually having sex with my husband.

All the crushes passed in time. It took longer with some than with others.

Of course, billions of ostensibly mono people deal with this. Either crushes, or porn and fantasy augments their supposedly, outwardly, monogamous sex life.

If you really want to create polyamory with your bf, you should try. If he can't deal, you could break up, and start dating people who are also poly, or monogamous but poly friendly. Then you won't have to suffer with these fun but painful unrequited crushes on inappropriate people, such as your bf's cousin. You can date others cleanly, and actually get to have sex with them.

I'm guessing your crush developed just now, at 2 years into your relationship with bf, because the final effects of NRE (new relationship energy) have just passed.

This is what I manifested in my life: My husband and I broke up (for various reasons, one of which was my poly nature). I get fewer crushes on unattainable people now. I just date real people that I like! And I don't avoid sex with my nesting partner (my gf) to go off and masturbate to the thought of someone else. I have plenty of sex with her. I also can have sex with whatever other person I desire. And yeah, sometimes if my gf (or current bf) isn't around, I do pleasure myself with a fantasy of someone else, with no guilt. Generally when I have a bf who comes over twice a week to bang me, I don't have much need to masturbate. Twice weekly sex with a bf, and sex 2 of 3 times a week with my gf is pretty satisfying.

If I were to get a crush on my gf's brother, or her best friend, say, I would keep my distance and not feed into the fantasy more than I could help, and wait for the crush to pass. It's OK to feel feelings, we all have them. It's how we act on them that counts.

I'd recommend you don't tell bf you are crushing on his cousin, especially right now, when bf is feeling sad about the thought of poly. He is in a lifelong r'ship with that cousin, you don't want to taint it.
 
I got feelings for my (ex?)partners best friend. If it wasn't for him not reciprocating it would maybe of worked. My partner said he would rather it be with him then someone else. As far as feelings fading, it hasn't happened yet. I look forward to when they do. I wish you luck.
 
Hi Bug,

Perhaps the thing to do is, wait for your partner to get feeling better about poly (and if he never does, then that's a different problem altogether); then, ask him to compile a list of people he would consider messy (i.e., he would not want you to be involved with those people). If he puts cousin on the list, then you have your answer. If he doesn't, then you could ask him if a cousin would be messy. Just in case he didn't think of that.

It's a prickly situation that you are in. I hope some of the posts here help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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