Sageflutterby
Member
First, I'd like to thank the forum for helping me with the last difficulty. I thought the situation was resolving itself, as three weeks ago my metamour and I had a brief conversation where she gave me an unasked for apology and I confessed I had fears she would end the relationship. I thought we were on good terms. She thanked me for the flowers I had brought her.
A week ago, with no communication or interaction between us, I noticed she had both unfriended me and blocked me on social media. I inquired of our shared partner if I had done something to offend. He got back to me after speaking to the metamour and she indicated she did not want to be friends nor want my presence in her life. She has indicated if I come over she will hide in their bedroom.
I can clearly tell that I am not wanted in the household, that is shared, by anyone but my partner.
My metamour protested us taking a trip as well but my partner shut her down by indicating that I had paid the cost financially so I had taken nothing from the household as the day the trip occurred was one of my scheduled days with our shared partner.
My partner, our hinge, indicates that my metamour is no longer resisting the relationship but I feel differently because he has to defend our visitation.
I also feel extreme anxiety at having my visitation at his home (we have one visitation at my home so I can be with my daughters on my day off, and one visitation at his home so he can be around his children). When I visit, however, and the metamour hides away, it leaves all parental responsibility on my partner, which means that we only have night time to bond and I want more than night time and sexual intimacy to be the foundation for our relationship. I have been asking for more waking moments and for more time for us to focus on us and not emotional processing or our children or other partners.
The thing is, while I can afford the occasional hotel room or trip, I cannot ask for the time off very frequently as I work in a call center. If I am out of vacation time, I cannot ask for the time off or my job is out of adherence. The monetary resources aren't there to fund a neutral location very often. So I am continuing to visit at his home but I feel anxious.
I know the answer is to stop caring about the other person, but I don't know how not to care. I don't know how to shut that down, particularly as I've always operated off of a life philosophy that every one deserves respect and consideration, additionallly, my partner's happiness is valuable to me which means supporting the other relationships. I don't have to be friends with the metamour, but knowing that I am in a shared space with her children and that she is in the room confined, makes me nervous. I have taken to hiding in the computer room with the extra bed and to the bathroom as I am fearful of running into the metamour in other rooms and triggering her emotions. I do not want to create strife in the household. I do not want to create any reason to build evidence against me or diminish my presence in our hinge's life.
So, I am currently struggling to respect someone else's boundaries as it is their home and their shared space with their two loves and children but I do not have a place there. I do get one overnight at my place but that was a battle and I do not want to put pressure on my partner to stay a second night at my place when he has a family who deserves consideration, too.
I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out how to manage my anxiety at entering what I perceive as hostile territory. My metamour has recently indicated to our partner that she has changed her mind about polyamory, that she doesn't want to date any longer, and that she wants to live at home with her co-primaries (our shared partner and her other partner) in the house with both partners monogamous to her and she to them. I pointed out to my hinge that she is still practicing polyamory, that polyandry is still polyamory not monogamy.
Our shared partner is resisting the restrictions she is trying to place on the relationships and is continuning to see me. The problem I have is how to relax when visiting him in a home I consider hostile to me. It is impacting my ability to relax and enjoy my partner.
I am struggling to hang onto the joy I feel for my partner because it is a mental battle to prepare my fortitude going into territory I perceive as hostile and in which I fear to push on the metamour's boundaries. My libido has dropped and the last two visitations I have just been tired and cuddled up to him, the excitement and joy are hard to hold onto when I'm battling how to stop caring and relax.
Please can someone tell me how they stopped caring so they could just relax and enjoy their partner?
A week ago, with no communication or interaction between us, I noticed she had both unfriended me and blocked me on social media. I inquired of our shared partner if I had done something to offend. He got back to me after speaking to the metamour and she indicated she did not want to be friends nor want my presence in her life. She has indicated if I come over she will hide in their bedroom.
I can clearly tell that I am not wanted in the household, that is shared, by anyone but my partner.
My metamour protested us taking a trip as well but my partner shut her down by indicating that I had paid the cost financially so I had taken nothing from the household as the day the trip occurred was one of my scheduled days with our shared partner.
My partner, our hinge, indicates that my metamour is no longer resisting the relationship but I feel differently because he has to defend our visitation.
I also feel extreme anxiety at having my visitation at his home (we have one visitation at my home so I can be with my daughters on my day off, and one visitation at his home so he can be around his children). When I visit, however, and the metamour hides away, it leaves all parental responsibility on my partner, which means that we only have night time to bond and I want more than night time and sexual intimacy to be the foundation for our relationship. I have been asking for more waking moments and for more time for us to focus on us and not emotional processing or our children or other partners.
The thing is, while I can afford the occasional hotel room or trip, I cannot ask for the time off very frequently as I work in a call center. If I am out of vacation time, I cannot ask for the time off or my job is out of adherence. The monetary resources aren't there to fund a neutral location very often. So I am continuing to visit at his home but I feel anxious.
I know the answer is to stop caring about the other person, but I don't know how not to care. I don't know how to shut that down, particularly as I've always operated off of a life philosophy that every one deserves respect and consideration, additionallly, my partner's happiness is valuable to me which means supporting the other relationships. I don't have to be friends with the metamour, but knowing that I am in a shared space with her children and that she is in the room confined, makes me nervous. I have taken to hiding in the computer room with the extra bed and to the bathroom as I am fearful of running into the metamour in other rooms and triggering her emotions. I do not want to create strife in the household. I do not want to create any reason to build evidence against me or diminish my presence in our hinge's life.
So, I am currently struggling to respect someone else's boundaries as it is their home and their shared space with their two loves and children but I do not have a place there. I do get one overnight at my place but that was a battle and I do not want to put pressure on my partner to stay a second night at my place when he has a family who deserves consideration, too.
I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out how to manage my anxiety at entering what I perceive as hostile territory. My metamour has recently indicated to our partner that she has changed her mind about polyamory, that she doesn't want to date any longer, and that she wants to live at home with her co-primaries (our shared partner and her other partner) in the house with both partners monogamous to her and she to them. I pointed out to my hinge that she is still practicing polyamory, that polyandry is still polyamory not monogamy.
Our shared partner is resisting the restrictions she is trying to place on the relationships and is continuning to see me. The problem I have is how to relax when visiting him in a home I consider hostile to me. It is impacting my ability to relax and enjoy my partner.
I am struggling to hang onto the joy I feel for my partner because it is a mental battle to prepare my fortitude going into territory I perceive as hostile and in which I fear to push on the metamour's boundaries. My libido has dropped and the last two visitations I have just been tired and cuddled up to him, the excitement and joy are hard to hold onto when I'm battling how to stop caring and relax.
Please can someone tell me how they stopped caring so they could just relax and enjoy their partner?