Religious Bullies

A few months later, he confirmed me. I spoke the doxology with my fingers crossed, with the fear of hellfire in my heart.
Oh, yes, that fear of hellfire! From my mid-teens through early 20s, I had nightmares about hell and the devil. It was also connected to guilt around my sexuality. Around the time I was 19 to 20, I had been offered two opportunities to make money as a callgirl, and I had dreams that Satan was luring me into his fiery lair and I willingly gave myself to him. I would wake up sweating and panting, wondering if dreaming about it meant I'd actually given myself to Satan. Whatever that means. I turned those opportunities down, but I felt like I was going to hell just for considering them!

I can still remember the red hellfire from my nightmares. Is that a Lutheran thing?
 
Ha ha, Ive typed it all up on here before! :)

Yes, I know, bassman, but this is the perfect thread in which to retell it from a later perspective. The issues of your wife and her church are what caused your divorce. It's been some time now. I wonder what your perspective is on it all now.
 
Oh, yes, that fear of hellfire! From my mid-teens through early 20s, I had nightmares about hell and the devil. It was also connected to guilt around my sexuality. Around the time I was 19 to 20, I had been offered two opportunities to make money as a callgirl, and I had dreams that Satan was luring me into his fiery lair and I willingly gave myself to him. I would wake up sweating and panting, wondering if dreaming about it meant I'd actually given myself to Satan. Whatever that means. I turned those opportunities down, but I felt like I was going to hell just for considering them!

I can still remember the red hellfire from my nightmares. Is that a Lutheran thing?

I don't think so, just the luck of the draw. I've had other ex Lutherans tell me their experience of church had less hell emphasis.

I was also very surprised when I went to my granmother's funeral some 10 years back, at her Lutheran church (which I would often visit on Easter as a child), how "Catholic" it seemed. People were even crossing themselves.

I had to laugh at the pastor, when he singled my Mom out as "spreading the word (of god/jesus)" down in Florida. My mom, the closet atheist to her mom til the end.

BTW, that pastor was a flaming gay man and that funeral service was like a Broadway show. His church was very suspicious and "good" church people used to stalk him to make sure he wasn't entertaining other men in his home late at night.

He soon moved to a Brooklyn Lutheran church that was more liberal, and my aunt tells me, he now lives openly with his partner. Maybe he's even married by now, I dunno.
 
Hmmmm....

I had to memorize a verse if I wanted to eat.

I had to memorize a chapter to not get an ass kicking.

Any behaviour deemed "prideful" would earn a guaranteed beating.

Wearing clothes deemed "of the world" (isnt that where they are all made?) Would be stripped from your body regardless of where you stood.

Being a fag got is the worst sin you could commit, hang the fact you couldn't throw a rock without hitting a pedophile in this lovely group.

Decisions frequently made on your "behalf" for your own "good", when lacking reasons or any sort of logic, we're done because it was gods will. These were always a pleasure to endure.

Growing up knowing everything I did was shit, only what we do in God's name is good, made getting some of that selfesteem a snap when I first heard of it at age 13.


Man, I could honestly go on for way longer than is edifying and use examples far more disturbing than would be needed. I realize years 0 - 12 were horrible and traumatic because of misguided idiots, not acts of god.
 
@ AlwaysGrowing ... really sorry to hear about the hell you went through with that assistant preacher.

I appreciate everyone who has posted on this thread. Each of your stories has moved me. It's easy to feel like you're the only one who's been put through gut-twisting ordeals, but I clearly see now that I am not alone.

I know I'm supposed to be forgiving. But some things seem to be beyond the reach of forgiveness. They're so mean-spirited.
 
It's a wobbly line, forgiveness. In the end, we forgive to save ourselves not to absolve people of their responsibilities. People are broken. It makes you mad, but carying the hate and anger perpetuates the cycle of oppression. I just got tired of it. There is still plenty of sadness for things I wish would have been different, but I can only accept what I have been dealt and be happy for what I have now.
 
Sometimes I have mixed feelings about forgiveness. In any case, I put trust and forgiveness into two different categories. I may forgive, but that doesn't mean trust is restored. That would require effort on the part of the offending party.
 
Sometimes I have mixed feelings about forgiveness. In any case, I put trust and forgiveness into two different categories. I may forgive, but that doesn't mean trust is restored. That would require effort on the part of the offending party.


True.

It depends on so many factors. I don't trust very many people, so when that trust is betrayed, I may forgive but our relationship is forever changed.

MrS has been hurt a number of times, but when I was the one that betrayed a trust, he forgave me and trust was restored - but I had 19 years of "good behavior" accumulated prior, which was taken into consideration...
 
But then, people have forgiven me of sins of which I don't think I deserved forgiveness ...
 
Back
Top