New & just need someone to talk to

LKF

New member
So we are pretty new to the polyamory world. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He recently met someone that has become a friend to the both of us. They've hung out plenty of times and nothing physical has ever happened until the other night.

My husband lacks self confidence, I've been telling him its ok for a while now. But he wasn't sure about the effects on myself and him. ETC. He tends to over think things. I know this is what he wants. & I want it for him.

That being said, how do I get over these feelings of feeling rejected? He went over there the other night with the intention of initiating, he rubbed her back & did a lot of other things, but never went to sex. he said he had no intention of crossing that line until he saw how it effected me first. I was fine with it. It was a little strange. We talked it out. He said he wanted to go to the next step. I told him that I knew he was fantasizing about it and he needed to just take care of it. That I didn't want anything to happen between the 2 of us until we got past that point. He kept on saying he was going over there last night. Then started not wanting to go. He started to tell me that he wanted to stay home with me, but then would stop mid sentence to me to talk to her via text. His mind was not here. & after I finally had too much, I flipped my shit. After we talked it out, he offered to give me a back rub (something he never gives me & all of a sudden decides what I want after doing it for her even though I repeatedly beg for it ALL THE TIME). Since my body was really sore I allowed it to happen and then he started making moves on me. I should have stuck to my rule, but it is my husband after all. But after it made me feel like I piggy backed of off her for the second night in a row. I'm mad at myself for that.

Then this morning, he texts me that he is thinking about me. I sent him a bra on selfie and he says "cute". Then goes silent. Guess he wasn't really thinking about me. He said he was, etc. He said he didn't want to do anything with this other woman because it's obviously hurting me. But that's not the problem. I am feeling very rejected. After spending all morning promising me that he was thinking about me, he mad plans with her to finish what he started & what he should have done yesterday.

It's really what I want for him, & I understand this is fun, new & exciting, but I can't help but to feel very rejected right now. I am hoping when we get over this bump it can be worked out.

I would love any advice on how to cope right now.
 
Last edited:
Greetings LKF,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I guess the tricky thing here is to figure out what you want and need from your husband in order to feel wanted. Are you truly okay with him being with her sexually? It's a hard question to answer, but it must be answered before you can move forward.

We'll try to be here for you on Polyamory.com ... perhaps sometimes it helps just to be able to vent a little. We'll supply you with a listening ear. Hang in there. Maybe things will get better with time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome, LFK!

I'm also new as well. Don't worry, you're not alone. Look around you, Internet and in real life. There's plenty of available emotional support for you when you need it the most.

Even though your situation is very difficult and challenging to get through, maybe it's best not to give in to whatever he does is tempting until your feelings are being genuinely heard and acknowledged. In my opinion, what you can do is to let him know how you feel, ask for reassurance or whatever you need at the moment, and at the same time try to work through your feeling-rejected emotion on your own while he works on finding a solution for you and the girl who he is seeing.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. So is everyone on this forum.
 
Thank you for sharing.

I concur with everything KDT commented.

In addition, I can't emphasize, enough, the need for straightforward honesty with yourself, as you do some self-evaluating, then honesty & clear communication with your husband. If you feel some kind of way about the back rub in relationship to his actions with the potential, you should clearly state that and 'talk' through it. You may realize it's driven more by emotion than logic OR you may realize that maybe you and your husband need more time solidifying or revamping the foundation of your own relationship so that all parties can feel secure, cherished, and confident when the two of you venture into this new openness.

We are here for you. Hugs*
 
Welcome!

I'm sorry you are struggling.

I noticed you keep saying you feel rejected. What behavior is he doing that rejects you? :confused:

I'm seeing connecting behaviors:

  • He's telling you about his crush and keeping you informed.
  • He's concerned for your well being and concerned about how moving forward would affect you. Sounds like he wants to go slow.
  • He offers to give you back rubs.
  • He tries to share sex with you.
  • he texts that he is thinking about you

I am seeing disconnecting behaviors from you:
  • You tell him no sex share with you until he shares sex with her.
    • Why is this? What is this supposed to accomplish? If it turns you off that he wants sex share with her, SAY so. Don't be saying you are ok with it if you are not quite there at this point in time. Say you are trying to become ok with it. Be accurate.
  • When you decide to share sex with you husband, you choose to view it as "piggybacking off her" rather than "choosing to share sex with husband." Then you get mad.
    • Why are you mentally competing with her?
  • When he's unable to text more than "cute" after the bra selfie, you take it as rejection rather than figuring he's busy or driving or whatever it is he's doing today.

He started to tell me that he wanted to stay home with me, but then would stop mid sentence to me to talk to her via text. His mind was not here. & after I finally had too much, I flipped my shit.

If he's gushing too much about his new crush and making you crazy with his back and forth, and not fully present? Tell him so. You are willing to listen, but only up to X point. You are willing to talk, but not when he's distracted. You want to talk when he's PRESENT.

I wonder if this is why you arrived at wanting for him to "just get it over with" so you don't have to be listening to back and forth witter and dealing with distraction? If so... isn't asking him to stop wittering at you and BE PRESENT a more direct solution? :confused: Because he could share sex with her and CONTINUE to behave all wittery and distracted.

If you want different behaviors from him in order to feel more connected? I think you could ask him directly for the behaviors you want him to start and the behaviors you want him to stop doing.

If you want different behaviors from yourself in order to feel more connected? You could start/stop some behaviors on your side. I think you could become more willing to be direct and be more emotionally honest even if it feels uncomfortable and vulnerable. I think you could stop "holding yourself apart."

Finish mourning first. Stop pushing him toward sex with her when he seems to want to go slow.

Even if you both want to Open, there's going to be feeling of sadness that the old relationship is over. It is not just (you+him) any more. Things have changed. That has ended so a new thing can begin. So the "old normal" is gone and the "new normal" isn't here yet and the space in between can feel...weird. Be ok with that. It's the price of admission to having decided to Open.

I often see people writing like "add a third" but it really doesn't feel like that emotionally. It's a break up of the previous thing. Then a beginning of a new thing even if some of the cast of players is the same.

Pushing him to sex with her isn't going to help you process your feelings faster. If anything, it seems to be piling more feelings on when you are not done yet with the first batch. So stop pushing and do more reading together. Talk about poly hell and how to cope with those feelings. Give it some time to get used to being new together in a new relationship -- Open and poiy.

Is it really so awful that he wants to proceed at a pace where you are comfortable?

TELL him what you need to be comfortable -- less gushing if he's gushing. Being more PRESENT when it is (you+him) time if he's distracted.

DO what you need to feel more comfortbale. Do "single loads" of "feelings laundry" and not double loads if you can help it. On this one? I think it can be helped. Where the fire? The rush? Take your Opening more slowly.

Do some more reading together.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com

I hope you start to feel better.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I want to take the time to say thank you for your responses. Since I am new to the site, I didn't see any of the replies & couldn't figure out how to access them.

We have since moved forward with what is going on. And even though I have voiced my concerns over and over, I feel that for every 10 steps he takes with her, it's 1 step with me. I know I should appreciate the 1 step & I do. But that 1 step sometimes feels like a step to take those 10 steps with her. Like it's just enough to make me happy.

The first couple times he did end up going, the first night I posted this, after I let everything out online, he came home. We talked & cuddled. It felt great. Not going to lie. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being able to make him happy, letting him get some things out of his system. He suffers from Depression & this has definitely improved his mood. I love that I could do that for him.

But then little by little it's turned into almost disgust because I see the preferential treatment. He is still constantly texting her up to the moment we have sex, then back at it right after or soon after. I made another post regarding this whole situation that has not been approved yet, then I found this thread.

I really want to be able to make it work for him, but IDK how to get through to him.
 
Hi LKF,

Sorry to say, I don't know how to get through to him either. If he is treating you unfairly, and knows it because you've talked to him about it, then all you can do is decide if you want to stay with him and just endure the unfair treatment. If for every one step you get, she gets ten, that means she's getting nine times better treatment than you. That's an awfully big gap.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top