The Best Life Yet

Thanks, guys. Much appreciated. There aren't many outlets I have for getting this stuff vented.

Pretty much only Rider, Kelly, and one other friend who is mono. Oona and I still haven't really talked yet, and even if we had, I don't feel comfortable bringing relationship stuff to her right now. Mono friend was just like, sucks but I can't blame him—self-preservation. Kelly was like sorry, but you're glad you got some time with him to begin with, right? Only Rider seems to truly understand my pain about this and is being super supportive. It feels weird to be depending on one partner for emotional support when another (albeit more casual) partner ends it. #hingelife, I guess?

I think I am seriously done dating until after the big move. There's no time and it's going to take me a minute to bounce back from this. What an emotional roller coaster.

But he deserves someone who can fulfill all of his needs, someone to give him the "entrenched" relationship he's looking for. And his being mono, and my already having a primary—it couldn't be me. He's brilliant, successful, funny, secretly sweet, great in bed, and literally one of the hottest guys I've ever laid eyes on in real life. He deserves to have it all. He's going to make some mono girl very happy some day. :eek:
 
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I feel like I should be letting this go, but I'm still stewing about it. I guess I should allow myself at least a 24-hour period to be a disappointed nut-job. The thing is that I almost NEVER like anyone that much. Once every few years. And I am just so super-mega-bummed that I will never be able to do more things with him. Specifically him.

I adored the way that he smiled, the way that he smelled, the way that his voice got dorkier sounding when he dropped his guard and got excited about things...the way he'd grab my hand, the way he looked and moved while we had sex, the way he would roll around and tickle his cat...the way I could see him notice something that I'd pick up on in conversation and kind of give me an eyebrow nod as if to say that "good work"...the way he acts when he is sleeping, the kisses (OMG, the kisses), his diverse musical taste...

I could just go on and on. It's a real bitch to combine heavy NRE with mild heartbreak. It's the kind of thing obsessions are made of.

I keep wondering if I'm at all crossing his mind. It's none of my business, and I'm certainly not going to ask him. But it seems like such a damned shame that I lost my access pass to the amazing wonderland that is him. Sigh.

Here in my blog. A place for vents and sighs.
 
I ended up going to the beach alone last night, having a meal and an iced tea at a late night pizza joint, then going to sit in the sand and stare at the moon and listen to the water. Rider was out on his date with Pablo. He had offered to cancel for me if I needed company, but a) I really, really wanted him to have his time with Pablo, and b) I kind of just wanted to be alone.

As I sat there by the water, I thought a lot about Beckett and about poly. I got a message from Brandon, the flaky cheater guy I'd briefly dated last summer. He'd seen my check-in at the pizza place and wanted to know if I wanted company. Hell, no, I didn't. Especially not from him. But that got me to thinking even more.

When Rider and I started this poly journey, I'd felt compelled to balance his thing with Claire, which had pre-existed me, by finding someone else for myself. I went on many dates, ranging from super awkward or boring to super fun. I met many people, ranging from super awkward or boring to super crazy or shady to meh to maybe. I reconnected with Moss in a genuine, if somewhat lukewarm fashion. I explored my longstanding crush with Jake, which was fun but impractical due to distance and sexual incompatibility. I hooked up with Caleb who I had a bizarrely great sexual chemistry with but in the end I could barely stand his personality.

In short, I think I finally kind of got the gamut of "dating experience" that people usually get when they are single, despite never having been single for long in my adult life. And all of it felt to some degree like trying too hard. I was trying to fill a role rather than just let something happen. And so I gave up.

And that was one of the best decisions that I made so far in this poly journey. Ceasing to seek, letting things happen when they happen...taking the pressure off of myself to "balance things" and open myself up to being OK just being with myself on those nights I was alone. And yet still feeling free to explore things with people to the degree that they are possible, as they come up.

And then lightning struck with Beckett, and it suddenly made sense to me why none of that trying too hard stuff ever worked out well for me. I was trying to make people more SOMETHING to me than they actually could be. I don't think I do loose and casual too well. I think it takes a certain level of caring and emotion and real flaming spark for me to be sexually into someone. I know that's clichéd, especially for women, but I think it's true for me. I need to be able to crush on someone, to have that pre-NRE, for me to actually desire them.

I had worried—and I think even expressed it here in my blog—that all of my other connections, for all time, would seem lackluster and devoid of color, since I was so into Rider that there wasn't a lot of room for anything else. But I kept holding out hope and kept saying "maybe lightning will strike." In my heart of hearts, though, I almost feared that being with him had made me accidentally monogamous, despite feeling poly since puberty. Once I'd let go of the idea of balancing, I was pretty happy being functionally monogamous with him, for the foreseeable future. After all, I wondered, what was the point of trying to round all of these "meh" interactions up to meaningful? My time and energy are too valuable to me.

And when two months had to pass between when the lightning strike of meeting Beckett actually happened, and going on that incredible first date, I'd convinced myself that it would be more of the same. He didn't seem that interested. I felt awkward and feared having nothing to say. I was totally sure we'd pass a few strained hours and then I'd be back in Rider's arms, relishing the contrast between the stress of interacting with other people vs. the comforting home that was him.

But that's not what happened at all. Inside of me, that lightning strike had lit a fire. And it still burns.

So the first layer of what this has me thinking about is that maybe I really should just continue to take that strategy when it comes to dating—waiting for the lightning strikes since they are the things that really interest me and get me going. Rather than OKC dates and trying to rekindle old things and succumbing to the tepid advances of friends of friends where I am hoping that maybe eventually turns into yes. I certainly have a busy enough life that I can justify that approach: something will happen when it happens, and until then, I have Rider and my burgeoning career and an openness of mind to whatever may come.

But then the second layer is this:

What if those lightning strike things—the things that burn hot and beautiful and light up the sky—will all end the way that it has with Beckett? With the other person seeing our amazing potential and feeling a sense of loss and chagrin that with Rider in my life they will never be able to be "the big romance" because I already have that?

What if only the forced, tepid connections are the ones that my relationship structure has room for? The tiny FWB things that do not set hearts on fire to then be doused with the firehose of reality...

I guess it is possible that there is someone(s?) out there who are Beckett-level awesome for me, but also poly, and also in another relationship, so that they don't feel left out in the cold that I cannot give them everything? Seems like a needle in a haystack thing though. And I don't know if you can find that needle without looking. Maybe you just have to roll in the hay with people until it stabs you...

Ha, I am mad existential tonight.

I feel like this whole Beckett thing—the first time I've really dug someone this hard since Rider—has shaken up my whole world. It's given me a lot of food for thought and really driven home (though I never would have claimed otherwise) exactly how new at poly I still am, and how many experiences I have yet to encounter.

There were moments, even so soon, lying with Beckett when I felt like it could evolve into the sort of thing where I'd want to move heaven and earth to be with him. When that happens with someone in a situation where it is NOT cut short by the other person fleeing in terror, I am going to have a lot of new skills to learn.

In other news, Rider's date with Pablo went great last night, and they hooked up for real. His first one-on-one sexual experience with a guy. It went so well that Rider now considers himself actually bi. He loved it! I guess I should change his orientation in my signature, haha.

I am about to head over to Rider's now. I was hanging out with him for most of the day, but needed to take some time out to write this. I have been needing more time alone than usual lately, even before the whole Beckett-ending thing. I feel like I am going through some sort of transitional period right now where I am learning a lot about myself and the world, and it's a lot to process. Maybe part of it is having started therapy. Maybe part of it is the engagement being "official" and so it's kind of like with that all wrapped up neatly, I can turn my attention back to myself for a while. Definitely part of it is the sea changes that Beckett caused, rocking my boat.

Everything is always changing. At least it never gets boring.
 
Last night Rider and I decided to take MDMA together. It isn't something that I do very often anymore (though I was much into it in my youth), but I felt like it was the proper circumstances—almost medicinal. I don't know how many people know about it, but the drug has therapeutic purposes that include the treatment of PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and it has historically been used in couples' counseling. We felt like it would be a good way to help lift me out of my funk over Beckett and re-bond more thoroughly with Rider after that disruption.

We were totally right!

We had the best time, starting off with sex while we were waiting for it to come on through just when it started (it tends to cause erectile problems once fully in swing). After sex, we just lay in bed together listening to music and talking for hours and hours. We cuddled and rubbed each other and had a heart to heart for like four hours straight. We talked about everything with open hearts and total love flowing through us. None of the information was new, as we already tell each other pretty much everything, but we were able to listen to it with an empathy and a focus and a clarity that day-to-day conversation is sometimes lacking.

As the hours passed, I felt my preoccupation with the whole Beckett thing slipping away. I lay, contemplative, thinking of how it was actually beautiful that he knew what would be best for him and decided to get out early before either of us could be any more hurt. I felt such compassion and just a basic sense of appreciation that I'd gotten to share anything with him at all.

I felt so very close to Rider, stroking his silky, hairless, pale skin. I felt very lucky that this sweet, soft, giant creature loved me so very much. I felt myself holding in my hands the ability to nurture or destroy him, and I felt only the desire to nurture him, and like my understanding of how to destroy him gave me special insight into how to protect him. I knew that he would keep being my closest companion and stand by me through everything. It made the loss of a transient, bright-burning thing so much more tolerable.

Eventually, I fell asleep, and eventually, he followed.

I woke up feeling much less sad. I still miss interacting with Beckett—looking forward to those little text volleys and sexy selfies each day—but for the most part, I feel like I am restored to how I was before The Date That Broke My Brain. Except wiser, maybe. It's not a bad place to be.
 
Cast of Characters

I've decided to post a cast of characters who have been featured in this blog, so that my signature is no longer a million lines long and still missing people. I'll post a link to this instead, and repost it whenever new people need to be added. This way I can more easily refer to people by name without having to give an explanation of who they are.

Blog cast of characters through 8/2015

Alex: 34m/bi/poly/married. An early Reverie date (6/2014) that quickly turned platonic due to no spark and jealousy on his partner’s part, and then fizzled to nothing. Still FB friends.

Al: 36m/straight/mono/partnered. One of R&R's platonic music buddies. Partnered with Shana.

Allie: 33f/bi/single. R&R’s FWB since 10/2014. The sweetest girl.

Anna: 29f/bi/mono/partnered. Reverie’s roommate (since 10/2014) and Rider’s former fling (3/2013).

Arturo: 30m/straight/polyflexible/partnered. An early Reverie date (7/2014) who was a nice guy but there was no spark. Since then, we have become friends, and he has become the cat-sitter. :)

Aurora: 23f/bi. Reverie's questionably too-young girlcrush.

Beckett: 35m/heteroflexible/mono/single. Reverie's megacrush since 5/2015. Connection recently ended (by him) after a month of dating (7/2015–8/2015) but remain FB friends. Bandmates with Caleb.

Brandon: 33m/straight/cheater. An early Reverie date (7/2014–9/2014) who was charming but turned out to be cheating on his girlfriend. Hooked up a few times but was ultimately too flaky and then discovered to be cheating. Still FB friends.

Caleb: 37m/straight/partnered. Reverie’s former FWB (9/2014 to 11/2014)—good sex, not so great personality, as it turned out. Bandmates with Beckett.

Candace: 29f/bi/single. R&R’s elusive crush-girl who is impossible to pin down for plans.

Claire: 28f/bi/poly. Rider's ex-girlfriend (2007–2009, 2013–2015) and the person who introduced him to poly in 2013. They have not remained friends except for on FB.

Desiree: 38f/straight/single. Rider’s former longtime crush (2011–2015) who he was just on the verge of hooking up with when she viciously bullied Reverie one night while blackout drunk, which changed his mind about her.

Emily: 27f/bi/OPP/partnered. Reverie’s brief girl crush and now platonic friend. The crush part lasted only like a week.

Erica: 35f/bi/single. R&R’s friend who was married but had a falling out with her husband over a threesome-lite she had with us and all hell broke loose.

Evan: 39m/straight/single. Rider's friend from childhood and Kelly's current roommate. Lives in Football Town, about 4.5 hours away.

The Ex: 36m/straight/mono/single. Reverie's last relationship before Rider (2010–2014). Convinced Reverie to give mono/OPP another try after she tried to be poly in 2010. Relationship ended, in part, because Reverie-initiated talks of opening further made him paranoid, controlling, and convinced he was being cheated on. Recently re-friended on FB after a year and a half of no contact. Now lives on Opposite Coast.

Georgia: 35f/straight/married: Reverie’s platonic friend—sister-in-law to The Ex.

Gray: 30m. An early Reverie date that was the most boring date ever. Reverie’s avowed last internet date in this town.

Jake: 34m/heteroflexible/poly. Reverie's high school crush and hometown lover, living about 1,000 miles away. Hooking up on and off since 7/2014, with lots of visits between 10/2014 and 3/2015. This has cooled off considerably due to distance and sexual incompatibility, but the love and friendship is still there.

Kelly: 25f/bi/poly. Rider's FWB+ (LDR) since 10/2014. Reverie’s friend since 1/2015. Lives in Football Town about 4.5 hours away.

Laura: 29f/bi/single. Hippie painter girl that Rider is crushing on and Reverie is "maybe" about.

Molly: 36f/bi/single. R&R had a threesome with her once (7/2014) and hung out platonically a few more times. She’s fun but a little crazy and we tend to keep our options open with her but not get too close. Rider is more into her than Reverie is.

Moss: 40m/straight/mono/single. Reverie's ex-husband (together 2007–2010) and recent ex-boyfriend (2014–2015). Lives on Opposite Coast. Reconnected in a long-distance fashion until he decided he wanted to try to go monogamous with someone else. When that ended, this did not resume.

Oona: 37f/bi/monogamish/partnered. Reverie's BFF. Friends since 1999, on and off FWB since 2002. Has hooked up with R&R in a threesome before. Currently lives in on Opposite Coast, in the city where R&R will be moving come January. Has been dating Toby monogamously since 9/2014 but is currently trying to negotiate openness with women.

Pablo: 35m/bi/single. R&R's FWB, and the guy who was Rider’s first M/M sexual experience.

Ramsey: Reina’s husband, and an old friend of Rider’s.

Reina: 38f/bi/OPP/married. An old friend of Rider’s and a long-distance FWB of Reverie’s since 11/2013. Married to Ramsey. Lives in a far corner of Opposite Coast so we don’t get to see her much.

Reverie: 33f/bi/poly. Me! Currently engaged to Rider and recovering from vague heartbreak over things ending with Beckett. Additional loose connections of varying places on the FWB-to-romance spectrum with Sam, Jake, Allie, Oona, and Pablo.

Rider: 39m/bi/poly. Reverie's fiancé, together since 2/2014, friends since 6/2013. Has a long-distance “FWB+” relationship with Kelly. Also is FWB with Allie and Pablo and has a seemingly infinite constellation of crushes and sparks with people.

Shana: 33f/straight/mono/partnered: One of R&R's platonic music buddies. Partnered with Al.

Shane: An early Reverie date (11/2014) that went nowhere.

Sherry: 44f/mono. A former FWB (very long distance) of Rider’s (5/2013–5/2014), whose expectations that their relationship would eventually turn exclusive ended up breaking her heart.

Sam: 39m/straight/polyflexible/single. Rider's BFF since college in 1994. Reverie's sometime lover since 7/2014—a loose “it happens when it happens” connection that is mostly affectionate with some sex thrown in there every once in a while. He lives in College Town about 3.5 hours away, so it’s all long distance.

Tasha: 33/f/bi/open/engaged. Reverie’s FWB (since 2011) on Opposite Coast.

Toby: 38m/straight/mono/partnered. Oona’s boyfriend since 9/2014.
 
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I have set up a hangout with Aurora for Friday, and Rider has set up one with Pablo. I guess it will be a very gay day for us, haha. I don't know that I would classify mine as a "date"...maybe? I am attracted to Aurora, obviously. But I am hetero-romantic, so it doesn't seem to me to be exactly the same thing that I think of when I think of wanting to stay away from dating to recover from Beckett. I think I want to stay away from romance. So far in my life, all I can ever be with women is FWB. I am open to that changing, but it's unlikely to be right now.

Aurora seems very excited about the hangout, saying things like, "I thought you would never ask!" and "I can't wait!" I am going to be sure to bring it up in conversation that I am recovering from something and not looking for anything heavy. And she can do what she wishes with that information. I was supposed to hang out with her a couple of weeks ago, but she canceled and then scheduling got all cray. And then I gave Beckett priority and, well, now I have a little more space in my life for hanging out with other people.
 
My libido appears to have resurfaced, despite my having worked a lot over the weekend. Maybe all I needed was some solid reconnection to Rider. I desired him all day yesterday, quite fervently, and when we finally came together late at night after I'd finished all my work, it was heavenly.

I've backslid a little bit in my peace over the Beckett thing. I'm still obsessing 75% less than I was a few days ago, though, so there still has been progress. I'm currently in a state of "not holding my breath but secretly hoping that he changes his mind" and still checking his social media for adorable pictures of him or his cat. There is a bit of occasional shaking fist at sky over Unfortunate Incompatibility of Circumstances. Mostly, I wish I could just tell him things, but we were never deep enough into whatever it was that could possibly be a wise idea to attempt post-processing with him, so I sit on my hands, keep my mouth shut, and sigh. Maybe in a couple of months, when everything has died down, if he's still single, I can text him "Booty call?" and at least get some more of that amazing sex. Haha. The cuter they are, the harder it is to let go.

Kelly has developed an obsession on a 45-year-old guy who is an ex of a friend of hers. Apparently, older guys are Kelly's thing. She is quite sad that their 20-year age difference, coupled with his status as ex-of-friend, will probably make him unavailable to her. I reminded her that many men see youth as a perk in a woman, and that exes of friends are not necessarily off limits if you communicate with the friend. As Dan Savage says, straight people need to get over that, because gay people have had to all along due to the small size of the gay community. Coincidentally, the friend Kelly met the guy through is also friends with Beckett and is the last person to post something to his FB wall. Circles colliding from 4.5 hours away.

Rider is feeling a little chemical backlash from the MDMA today (depleted serotonin leading to weird mood), so I told him that if he wants, we can just be lazy tonight and revert to our beer-drinking, comfort-food-gobbling ways for an evening. As long as it's a once-in-a-while thing and not all the time, it shouldn't interfere too much with my weight loss goals. We were talking about getting some frozen pies—pot pies for dinner, and a Sara Lee pie for dessert—and gorging on pie and cuddling.

I know that I am losing weight, even if the tape measure is still maddening. I carry my weight so weirdly—I've lost an inch and a half in my hips and am almost down to my "skinny measurement" there, but only half an inch in my waist. Which, of course, my waist is where I NEEDED to lose it, ideally 3–3.5". It bothers me sometimes that even though I present as a thin person, I am vaguely keg-shaped unless I get to be a REALLY thin person. I am just not of the right body type to carry much weight well. I don't really start to show an "hourglass" until my BMI is all the way down around 19.5, which is decidedly pretty skinny. I so envy the curvy girls who have a bangin' waist-to-hip ratio at bigger circumferences. But I can only aspire to be the best me I can be—not anyone else's best.

Tomorrow morning, I have my third therapy appointment. Tomorrow night, I am finally supposed to talk to Oona again. We have bones to pick with each other, so it'll likely be a long conversation. I am looking forward to getting into a regular state of communication with her again, but not particularly looking forward to hashing things out. I know that I have good points against the things she has said, but I don't know if she will accept them. We can both be very stubborn about what we think is best for me. Unfortunately for her, when it comes to what is best for me, I always win no matter what.
 
Rider is feeling a little chemical backlash from the MDMA today (depleted serotonin leading to weird mood)

5HTP works wonders.
 
I went to my therapy appointment. There, I largely talked about Oona and how she was angry with me about my engagement. How her anger stemmed in large part from my breaking a promise to her a year and a half ago—a promise that I'd try to stay single for a year. My therapist said he thought that was a terrible promise to extract from someone. He said he thought it was very controlling. We meandered through a bunch of other topics. He's still taking my history, in chunks. He asked about my marriage to Moss, and about the dynamics between my mom and dad when I was a kid. I told him, briefly, about Beckett.

I didn't actually speak to Oona tonight. I sent her a letter in response to her message because I wanted to make sure I didn't leave anything out. She read it and then responded to me via IM. We had a long (and somewhat snarky and hostile on her end) conversation. She's still so hopping mad and seeing me as someone who "can't stand by the things that they say" and painting it that waiting to get engaged until Rider and I had been together for three years is just about the only way I could have made that up to her. Honestly, I don't know how in her mind that makes it up.

In the end, she said that she'd get over it, but that it would just take time. I remain rather mystified by the whole thing. I guess I will just keep living my life and putting one foot in front of the other, and time will pass. Five years from now, ten, this will all seem as silly to her as it does to me. I feel so certain of it.

Today, being the first, is the day that Beckett was supposed to be out of his house and into the new one. Dying to know how that turned out, since he talked about it a lot while we were hanging out, I decided to text him:

R: "I hope we are still friends even though we won't make out anymore. :) I was wondering how your move ended up turning out."

B: "Yes, we are still friends. You made me feel wonderful when we were together. The move is a long story, but I am in a different house now."

R: "That's 'cause you ARE wonderful. Glad you made it to a different house. Maybe one day, we can catch up, and you can tell me the story. Hope things are less stressful for you with that out of the way."

B: "The move, and my upcoming travels."

R: "Good luck with it all. My 7-city travelstravaganza begins on the 21st. Maybe catch you on the flipside."

And you know what? I feel a lot better. I feel better knowing that he is remembering me fondly and still wants to be friendly, at least. It may preclude any aforementioned possibility of eventually pulling the booty call card, but I think I have decided that holding onto a friendship is the wiser investment. If I were to establish myself as just a booty call, we would have little reason to continue to talk after I move far away. As friends, we can keep up some kind of connection indefinitely. Of course, I wouldn't turn down sex if he offered it, haha, but I'd rather be friends with a slim chance of benefits than radio silence except for random offers of sex.

Things with Rider are still amazing. Our junk-food buffet last night was decadent and depraved. We almost felt too fat for sex at the end, but we still managed. I have been feeling so close to him and so very in love with him. He's been telling more and more of his friends about the engagement, including telling Sam. I told Moss tonight, and he was very happy for me. I told Jake a couple of days ago, too, and he said it was fantastic. Of the polycule, I think it is only Allie that we have left to tell. We have a few more friends that we'd like to tell directly, and Rider's dad, and then we'll probably let it become more common knowledge. At one point last night, Rider and I were cuddled up watching a show in a food coma, and I cradled his head and said, "You're going to be my husband!" and he started crying tears of happiness. It was adorable.
 
I agree with your therapist. It is controlling (and unreasonable) of Oona to expect you to stay single. Hopefully, she'll figure that out at some point! I'm glad everything else is falling into line for you :)
 
Holy hormone surge, Batman. I woke up feeling kind of crampy this morning—only a week after I know I ovulated, and only two weeks after that weird Period from Hell ended. Seems like it should be too soon for that.

It went away pretty quickly, but I can tell I am hormonal as fuck today because there is NO AMOUNT of healthy eating that is stopping me from being hangry, and some wi-fi problems at Rider's made me literally screech out loud (thankfully no one else but my cat was in the house with me) and petulantly STOMP back over to my place to finish my work.

I still feel so hateful and like I am having the weird kind of heat waves that I get when I am hangry and have (what people have told me is probably) low blood sugar. I just want to eat everything, punch everything, and then crawl under a blanket to die. And it came on so suddenly, just a couple of hours ago. WTF, body? WTactualF? Ugghhh!
 
Rider and I were supposed to hang out tonight and work on music, but he had an offer to go out to the gay bar with Pablo to do karaoke, and I am feeling so out of sorts that I don't think I'd be very good company, so I told him just to go. He invited me along, but there is just no way I can face a bar scene tonight. I'm really happy for him to be spending time with Pablo anyway. I have been feeling more antisocial than social lately, and Rider deserves a boisterous night on the town with someone who feels up to the task.

I had intended to go back by his house and scarf down a quick, healthy microwave dinner (all my food is at his house now) and pick up some things (mostly my fancy facial care products) that I'd left over there, so that I could stay here at home tonight. But I told him I didn't want to run into Pablo because I feel hideous right now. He said I had time because Pablo lives down near Beckett—a while away—but it turned out that he was in the neighborhood, and just as I was heading up Rider's walk, he messaged me that Pablo had already arrived. Feeling super frustrated and like it was par for the course of my frustrating day, I just got in my car and went to the grocery store to buy a duplicate of the meal I planned.

I feel somewhat better now that I have eaten, but I still feel like I could tip back over into enraged at any time, so I am really glad that I am staying in. In a few minutes, now that the boys are safely tucked away in the gay bar, I am gong to swing back by and pick up my things and probably my cat to keep me company. Then I am going to get some work done and chill out by myself. Maybe I'll play with my new makeup. Maybe I'll just pin pretty things on Pinterest until I fall asleep. I hope I feel better tomorrow because tonight the best I can do is oscillate between indifference and hostility toward everything in the world.

ETA: Two other things of note from today...

1) Beckett has been interacting with my Facebook posts more than usual; I guess he was as relieved by my offer of friendship as I was that he accepted it. That makes me happy. And kind of sad. But mostly happy. I also did some calculating and realized that with the new things he's got on his schedule, and my existing schedule, we probably wouldn't have seen each other again until October anyway. Literally, there are four random weekdays between now and then that we are both in town. Somehow that makes me feel a little better about how things went down.

2) Kelly is seriously completely obsessed with that much-older guy she's crushing on, and, from what she tells me, he is sounding interested in her as well. Rider is supposed to go visit her in a week and a half, and I'm a bit curious as to how that's going to shake out, because from what it sounds like right now, she can't go for more than two minutes without thinking about this new guy.
 
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How trustworthy is your birth control? I had implantation cramping about a week after ovulation

I have a copper IUD, which supposedly has 20 times less of a failure rate than the pill. I highly doubt that it's pregnancy. It's almost certainly just my hormones being completely insane for some reason—stress, most likely—similar to how they were last month. Once in a while, it happens this way. Bodies are strange. If it keeps up for too many months in a row, I suppose I'll go get a hormone panel done.
 
I have a copper IUD, which supposedly has 20 times less of a failure rate than the pill. I highly doubt that it's pregnancy. It's almost certainly just my hormones being completely insane for some reason—stress, most likely—similar to how they were last month. Once in a while, it happens this way. Bodies are strange. If it keeps up for too many months in a row, I suppose I'll go get a hormone panel done.


I also concur about copper coil, even with accidental pregnancy I have noticed copper coil aborts it later around the first few weeks, it also used as morning after contraception so I love mine. Five years and only one almost pregnancy.
 
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